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Torn between my feelings..

J

Jayman

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2010
Messages
134
I have been in a monogamous relationship for 4 and 1/2 years and in that time we have had alot of ups and downs , opioid addiction (me), and produced a lil one. Its been difficult but it has been good more than bad emotionaly. We are close but have been getting distant.

I have difficulties in obtaining steady and gainful employment as I have a bad rap sheet. We lived together for 2yrs and have been separate for the rest and remained in the relationship. Sex is amazing and has never been bad at all. All in all it feels like steady struggle to try to find housing together as my charge prevents most options from being available.

Recently whilst up all night on a lil m-amp I came across a girl that I seen on a social website. We have been talking for a few days and I havent used any m-amp since then. She is very pretty and I am attracted to her physical and mentaly she is really cool and funny.

I dont know if its just the struggles of my current relationship or that new relationship-esque glow that happens that wears off after a perioid. Ya know the feeling where its all new and no fuck ups have happened?

I am unsure what I should do, really throw away 4+ years and create a broken home or find out after another 3yrs that we just grew apart and the new girl will be in my what-if catagory...

Either way I feel like a fucking biggot dirt bag scummy fucker because I have never cheated... ever. I dont want anyone hurt or lead on. The new girl is just so how the fuck are you single..your amazing ,so far,.!? The one I am with now is like I love you and dont want anything to happen to you at all.

My current girl is very shy and she credits most of her flourishment to me helping her get outta her depression and timidity.

I feel many different ways. Mostly excited about what could be and angry that I can do this to a person that has been there and I claimed love for so long.

So how shitty of a piece of shit am I?
 
Jayman said:
I have been in a monogamous relationship for 4 and 1/2 years and in that time we have had alot of ups and downs , opioid addiction (me), and produced a lil one. Its been difficult but it has been good more than bad emotionaly. We are close but have been getting distant.

I have difficulties in obtaining steady and gainful employment as I have a bad rap sheet. We lived together for 2yrs and have been separate for the rest and remained in the relationship. Sex is amazing and has never been bad at all. All in all it feels like steady struggle to try to find housing together as my charge prevents most options from being available.

Recently whilst up all night on a lil m-amp I came across a girl that I seen on a social website. We have been talking for a few days and I havent used any m-amp since then. She is very pretty and I am attracted to her physical and mentaly she is really cool and funny.

I dont know if its just the struggles of my current relationship or that new relationship-esque glow that happens that wears off after a perioid. Ya know the feeling where its all new and no fuck ups have happened?

I am unsure what I should do, really throw away 4+ years and create a broken home or find out after another 3yrs that we just grew apart and the new girl will be in my what-if catagory...

Either way I feel like a fucking biggot dirt bag scummy fucker because I have never cheated... ever. I dont want anyone hurt or lead on. The new girl is just so how the fuck are you single..your amazing ,so far,.!? The one I am with now is like I love you and dont want anything to happen to you at all.

My current girl is very shy and she credits most of her flourishment to me helping her get outta her depression and timidity.

I feel many different ways. Mostly excited about what could be and angry that I can do this to a person that has been there and I claimed love for so long.

So how shitty of a piece of shit am I?
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Well, you gotta weigh the pros and cons here. If the current relationship you're in is good, what are the chances that one with this new girls will really be better than that? You're aware that the grass is always greener at first, but no relationship lasts forever in the everything is perfect stage. So is the chance that things will be better with that girl great enough to take the risk of leaving a perfectly good relationship with your current gf? That's the bottom line.
 
sounds like you want both your current girl and the new one.

hence why cheating is a thing that happens.


maybe your fed up of all the housing problems with your current girl.

will these exist with the new girl? if yes, will anything really change?
 
though it may seem like you like her now, you guys barely know each other.

did the same thing, was unhappy in my 11yr relationship, took a break, dated online guy i was swooning over, had fun, realized i missed my old boyfriend who i have an important and long history with.
i'm back with the original guy now. the online guy was cool but he wasn't better than what i had, though the situation i was in made the online guy seem amazing and perfect.... nope.

long story short, it was a good break ... no cheating happened. but the situation made me realize that the guy who has been by my side for ten plus years is who i'm meant to be with.

shit gets hard. don't run away from it.
 
plus you were on speed when you met her, of course you liked her.'

think about your wife doing this to you.

she put up with your addiction, a lot of spouses don't, you were lucky to have someone who did.

relationship counseling?

and plus, on the internet, while first meeting someone and becoming interested, it's easy cause you guys are showing nothing but the best and bright sides of yourselves.

You don't know what this new girl is like when it comes down to the nitty gritty type things. Maybe she has a bizarre OCD or some obsession or disorder, something, there's so much you don't know about her that she's not gonna tell you upon the first stages of getting into each other. Maybe she has awful debt and a criminal background that makes it hard for her to get housing? Maybe she talks to guys like this all the time online and you're just one of them? Maybe she doesn't pick up after herself and leaves her clothes on the floor and goes out perusing relationships with married men behind your back? This is all stuff that could be possible, but you wouldn't know, because we don't put these things out there when we're trying to be all sexy and new with someone. Maybe she is really good at putting forth an online persona though doesn't have the same qualities as her persona in real life.



All of this could be insignificant and maybe there's nothing like this to worry about. But you most likely don't know.



You met her while high. online.



Get your priorities figured out and don't think that some internet chick is gonna be the answer to your problems esp when you're just now dealing with your real life relationship.



Like does she know you and what your situation is and that you're a father?



I hope this wasn't too condescending, but I only wanna be honest because I've been through this the last two years and it was okay but it was not worth it. The guy was fake and egotistical and he put on a show for sure, I'm glad I had that experience but it hurt my guy a lot, my long term guy...



Keep us posted.

i'm on adderall tonight, this really got me going
 
You need to think about pleasure vs happiness.

I'm going to be blunt, please don't take it personally, but you're a fool if you're actually considering going through with this escapade. You'll only be a piece of shit if you actually go through with it. Don't. If you didn't have a child then maybe you could consider it, but the child comes first now, not thinking with your dick.
 
Your all right, in fact she doesnt know about my addictions or criminal background or im a father.

I fucked up even looking else where,
How do i tell this new girl that I fucked up even starting to talk to her because she said she was excited to start talking to me.
 
Just cut it off, or be honest with her. She won't be very hurt at all, you haven't even met her yet. Also, as you said, she doesn't know anything about you at all, how will she act once she finds out?

Try to make it work with your current girl, man. It sounds like she's worth it and would be willing to work on improving your relationship. It sounds like you both are very complacent and need some new spark. Find that spark!

And no, you're not a piece of shit. You're human, and a male at that. Being in a monogamous relationship is already against your instincts, and you've remained faithful even through the trying times. You are facing a very understandable temptation and dilemma, and it sounds like you're making an honest effort to come to the right decision, and it also sounds like you're leaning towards what seems to be the right decision too.. You're doing just fine man, just be easy on the drugs. Remember you have a child, you've gotten in a lot of trouble in the past already, and obviously, drugs make critical decision making a little less clear. If you get high one night, get all bored and horny and decide in the moment that you're going to "just test the waters" and go meet up with this online chick for a quickie.....think about the regret once you come around. What if your girl finds out and cuts it off with you, then what? Not worth it, man.
 
I told her.... i told her that i was being a lousy person and I hope it doesnt hurt her and if it does to forgive me.

Im dumb as fuck. I am going to find that spark that has been lost in my current relay.
 
Some good input in this thread. nice job!

Jayman, your last sentence in ypur last post rocked
 
Jayman said:
I told her.... i told her that i was being a lousy person and I hope it doesnt hurt her and if it does to forgive me.

Im dumb as fuck. I am going to find that spark that has been lost in my current relay.
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Men up dude!! With that attitude you will get nothing..
Women normally hates victims, don´t put yourself down like this.
You must be good in many things. It´s part of our nature. Good and bad. It applies to everyone..
 
Breakups peak during the holidays, but others seek newopportunities

To those of you who have significant others, watch out. According to a"Peak Break-Up Times" chart created by David McCandless and LeeByron, we are entering the year's second highest break-up time, secondonly to spring break. Their data shows what appears to be the firstactual representation of the trend. Using information collected fromFacebook, the duocharted the mostfrequent times of year that relationships end. There are twoastonishing peaks, one in March and one during the Christmasholidays. There’s even a name for the phenomenon: the “turkey drop”which implies a break up in that period starting just beforeThanksgiving.

The weeks beforeChristmas are a bad time forrelationships. To those single ladies and gents out there, the marketis about to get a lot meatier. The chart was first posted on DavidMcCandless' Informationis Beautiful website, and has since been reposted on several othernews sites. McCandless and Byron searched for the frequency of"break up" and "broken up" inFacebook statuses, and also set up a program that logged the dates ofchanges in relationship status onto a calendar. Does the study relytoo heavily on Facebook?


"I think it relates to real life, probably, really closely,"said Byron. "Just based on anecdotal evidence, it seems to match up.Anyone who has looked at the chart tends to have a positive reaction.I've also had an expert in relationships look at the graph and tell methat it maps very close to reality

McCandless seconded that opinion. "I wouldn't call it astudy," he said. "The intention was not to claim anything istrue, it's just an interesting pattern that happens. There are all kindsof biases, Facebook was very much primarily used by young people, I'mjust simply saying 'cool.'"

The chart is one piece ofa larger project on breakups. The series of information graphics onending relationships includes topics like breakup methods and "Webroke up because," as well as a flow chart on how relationships cometogether and fall apart.

But Why Do Couples Break Up Right Before Christmas?

When asked whytwo weeks before Christmas is a peak breakup time, Byron said,"I think it has something to do with end-of-the-year reflections orthoughts of everyone heading home for the holidays." Perhaps somepeople realize their significant other is not someone they would want tointroduce to their families.


"I can only reflect on my own experience -- would you want stay in arelationship that you felt was over through Christmas and New Year's? Youdon't want to be dogged by worries or pressure, you don't want to beworrying about the potential ups and downs in your relationship, you justwant to clear the space," said McCandless.


"This is the season," said Dr. Dorree Lynn, a psychologist andauthor of "Sex for Grownups," "to be needy and greedy asopposed to the message that we try to put out. It evokes incredibly highstress and depression, culminating statistically in New Years being thehighest suicide date. The reason this happens is that we have the mediamyth that this is supposed to be a happy, wonderful and joyoustime."

"Couples or people who are dating are in a bind," Lynn said."It's kind of a flight or another step to commitment time. The samething holds true for Valentine's Day. These are symbolic times whereyou're making a statement, and if you're not sure, particularly if youhaven't been dating for several years, a lot of people have issues aboutgift giving and how intimate the gift giving is and they get frightenedbecause they don't want to put pressure on the other person, but on theother hand they don't want to feel like a fool giving something and notgetting anything back."

"I think the expectation of an expensive gift from a significantother can be the straw that breaks up the camel's relationship,"said Brian Moylan of Gawker. "If you're already unhappy and thinkingabout pulling the trigger on a relationship, why not do it before youhave to spend hundreds of dollars on a fancy watch or cufflinks orlingerie you don't even want to see your girlfriend wearing anyway? Thatway you get freedom and $100 you can blow at a strip club (or on somereasonably priced shoes)."

Moylan added, "People are thinking about New Year's resolutions andhow to improve their lives, and sometimes the best improvement you canmake is setting free the good-for-nothing mate."

On the other end of the spectrum, new relationships are on the boombefore and during the holidays. Kenneth Agee of A ForeignAffair says, “We see our largest increase in clients during theholidays. People do not want to be alone on the holidays, and withNew Year coming, they make resolutions to do whatever it takes to findtheir soul mate. Even if it means traveling halfway around theworld."

A Foreign Affair operates a web site that introduces men to womenin Asia, Russia and Latin America. Each week they take groupsof men to foreign countries where in just a few shorts days they can meethundreds of beautiful foreign women looking for marriage. KennethAgee further states, “And if you are worried about a breakup, theserelationships have half the divorce rate of domestic marriages.”
 
Seattle_Stranger said:
Dude please stop calling yourself dumb.
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This.
Temptation happens.
Honeymoon phases pass. Infatuations happen. It's part of the trade-off of a stable monogamous relationship. You're not free to go after every woman that catches your eye, but you do have someone looking out for you, that cares for you; that (seems safe to say loves you.
I'm stating the obvious here, but these 'mundane' things are actually pretty important for a lot of people (myself included).
I don't want to sound manipulative here, but some people search their whole lives for love. I'm lucky to have a beautiful relationship, and feel blessed (in a non religious sense) to have her in my life.

Yeah, you could chase this exciting new girl - or you could remain true to the person that has supported you in tough times (as you have done for her, also).

Thing is, it is natural to feel this way. Infatuation feels so great, but it is not reality - it is not love. Love is a process of growing, learning, developing.
Humans are attracted to one another. But as you say - she's single.
Why? Who knows?! Maybe not the "commitment" type....maybe some other reason. But is what you've got worth throwing away just to find out whether it would be worth it? (Hypothetical question - I'm in no way telling you what to do, one way or another...even thought I know it seems that way!).

Having said that - you're a father.
I don't want to judge you, because it is human to have self doubt about the choices you've made in life.
But this one ain't going away. Please don't take that as a guilt trip, because that's not how I intend it.
For the sake of your own wellbeing (and that if your kid) don't just think about your wife. Think about your family.
When the 'little one' reaches adulthood...would things be different in your relationship to how they're panning out now?

It's one thing to leave your wife and kid because the relationship isn't working, creating a toxic home environment, but is that the case here?

Regardless thought - stop beating yourself up about it!
We all have emotions, and it is unhealthy to deny them; uncomfortable as they may be.
If we didnt meet people of the opposite sex we wanted to fuck, there'd be no children! There'd be nobody to fuck at all!

Just be mindful of why you feel so guilty about all of your feelings, and - if possible - try to get to the core of why you feel so dirty having these thoughts.

If it is because you're entertaining the notion of doing something you may deeply regret later in life, just consider that emotions are often deeply rooted in logic; the two things are anything but mutually exclusive - it just may take the 'logic' side of things a little longer to come to the forefront of the overwhelmingly knot of emotions.

Don't beat yourself up; just try and find as much perspective on the situation as you possibly can. All I can really offer beyond what I've already said is that you seem wracked with guilt regarding the temptation you are being presented with.

Could you cope with the emotional aftermath if you did happen to act on this desire?
You sound like a good person with the best intentions. Maybe you're being tested - maybe you need a change in life and this is how it is being presented to you.
Either way, don't get eaten up by guilt - just take from it what you can.
A reaffirmation of the choices you've made - or perhaps a sign that it's time for a change of some kind.

I hope this rambling response helps somewhat...
 
I know, so un-alpha of me... I realize how that sounds pathetic the reiteration of degrading comments of ones self.

I am allowed another perspective, for which Im grateful. I guess I was feeling guilty. I more so was feeling the guilt as she would the hurt if I had cheated. Maybe the comedown of meth and apvp had me feeling mildly depressed, following negative thoughts. Im glad this all happened though, because it will happen again and I know i have to be aware of that and how I will handle it.

Truthfully I could have sex with another girl and not think twice, It might not seem that way but its true. Just like if she cheated on me.... Im not gunna be hurt. Ill go find some new pussy. After being hurt before i will never emotionaly invest into a female. Never have again never will.
 
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Don't break up with a long-term partner for someone new, that is a mistake. However, a much bigger mistake is staying with someone when you should no longer be together - my first "long term" relationship lasted nearly 4 years, it should have been over in two years, however - we both still loved each other and stayed together so we wouldn't hurt each other. Plus, we lived together and had become co-dependant and it was difficult to break up. So, we stayed together - thinking we were doing the right thing.

What a waste of two years of both of our lives.


The absolute worst thing you can do in a relationship, beyond the specifically harmful things like abuse, cheating, etc. But in a loving, caring relationship, the worst thing to do is to drag it out just because you love the other person. It takes a lot of guts to do, to break up with someone you love and who loves you. But if the relationship is over, then end it.
 
It isnt over by far. We are beast together in bed, going for hours a time... most often I have to leave for work before I can finish. All night sex-capades ftw!

I know what your saying though, Its hard for me to actually care about anyone emotionally. I care for them as a person that goes for anyone until they piss me off.

I love my girl now, about as close as I will ever allow myself to get to feeling love.

Of most tho we are best friends and love each other. We argue sometimes but we see the same alot more. Idk I was sex overfueled and greedy.
 
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As a man you need to be #1. The king. The God. A girl is an addition to your life. Not the focus.
 
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