Too Much Nitrous?

[TwitchE]

When I was younger I used to huff cans and cans of air duster.. Not really knowing any better. I believe that was when I was 15? Fuck, I can't remember. Well.. It really fucked me up in the long run.. I used to be a happy kid.. I became depressed and did all sorts of drugs. Anyways.. 10 years later.. I'm 25.. I hear Nitrous Oxide is relatively safe. I try it, and the feeling is exactly the same as when I was younger huffing air duster, even though both are different substances. I decided to put 4 chargers in one balloon, inhaled half the balloon... tripped for a moment.. breathed.. breathed.. then finished the rest of the balloon. Next thing that happened was I was stuck in a loop. A very.. very very... familiar loop. This was what death felt like. Simply going through the motions with no control over anything. No "me". I had these loops when I was younger, I can remember them and they're all too familiar. There's just nothing there. Nothing. No thing. Just a reverberation of everything that is nothing. Frozen in time. Forever. Hey me, what's up? Nothing. I'm dead.

I feel numb.. lately I've just felt really fucking numb. So numb.. it's painful. I only went through one box of 24, and I played it as safe as I could. Maybe 4 in such a quick succession deprived my brain of oxygen and in a sense.. I was dead? I'm so disappointed. Literally.. nothing there. This place was like inhalant hell.. watching life just come together piece by piece. Moving, just because you don't want to be frozen. I have such a strong urge to go back and never have done it. I just feel dead and like I'm restarting but I don't have a future like I did when I was a kid.. I just.. have a future of nothing. This is fucking depressing. To be fair I was depressed before I did it, taking a lot of MDMA and LSD, but it wasn't anything like this. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I feel stupid. I can't even think about killing myself anymore because I'll just go back to nothing. Before, "nothing" actually seemed kind of nice.. and suicide was actually somewhat of a comforting thought.. but now it's just... fucked. I am dead. I feel dead.

There's no point to any of this. Before I thought that everyone was kind of like their own god.. and that I actually had some control over my life.. but now it's like.. I was just materialized from nothing.. so I am nothing. Fuckkkk.. I wish someone could help me.. but there is no help. I just have to deal with it. Life is a cold bitch sometimes. The weird thing is there is no such thing as nothing.. but N20 seemed to bring me closer to that nothingness as if it makes sense. This is all just happening. There's no reason for it. I just want to feel again. I feel like I'm insane, and everything makes too much sense. I could bite a chunk of flesh off of my finger and it wouldn't be that bad. I almost want to. It's just.. it would be kind of messy.. and pointless.. other than that I'll feel something. No pleasure without pain, right? Now I'm just imagining all kinds of ways to die. It's a little unnerving.. but I'm not scared of it like I should be. I'm just horribly depressed that I can't feel any emotions except sadness. There's no pleasure anymore, no hope for a future. This was all going to happen anyways, I guess. My life feels over. Now I get to live the rest of my days as a fucking drone. Maybe I'm overreacting.. maybe I'll feel better with some time. I'm sorry, for this depressing ass post. I really am. I'm really sorry for being such a burnt out, worthless human being with nothing to offer this world. I'm sorry to everyone. I don't know if I'll ever be okay.

 

[Theroux]

First of all mate just try and calm down. I suffer from depression too and recently went through a period of doing way too much nitrous. I did find myself feeling exactly like you are now, like I was seriously losing it mentally. I would struggle to keep my balance and my none of my thinking made sense, was really paranoid. I found that taking a break is exactly what you need.

 

[CrypticArc]

Listen to me, this is not your fault. You went into this with the intention of having fun, and the expectation that it was completely safe. To me, it sounds like you have experienced "zen" or absolute nothing. Some men meditate for decades to get to that spot, but it seems you were shown the absolute climax without walking the path to get there, which can be very traumatizing and is not easily handled. You're not the first one. My advice is, give your brain a rest. Sleep as much as you can, eat as well as you can and try to exercise daily. Also, it may be worth your time to consider meditation so that you can better understand this "nothing" without having to fully submerge yourself in it. Try to focus on this concept of nothing during meditation, and you will get a better explanation. Realize that you don't have to fear it, just the same way you don't have to fear getting out of a car when you reach your destination. It's just a change of scenery. You have not done any permanent damage to yourself, you're just shaken up. I think anyone would be. Just give it time and you WILL recover.

You only saw up to a certain point, and then it started looping, right? Eventually you're going to hit a "stopper" and just loop around again, because going on to the next natural step is impossible while you occupy a physical body. I think you're overthinking it. Try to take away from this experience that death is not the end. You have only seen a very small portion of what happens after death. Dying is completely safe, if a bit terrifying.

 

[TwitchE]

Thanks guys. It's comforting knowing I didn't fuck myself up too bad and that I'm not the only person who has been to this place. I kind of let myself go into this place to find something I was missing years ago, and when I found it I wanted out. Yeah, last night I got extremely paranoid. I freaked out, hyperventilated and started texting my ex, and then became really scared, almost convinced that her boyfriend would come and murder me.. and then that familiar, numb tingly feeling washed over me like I was still tripping or going through another loop. I was on a little bit of acid last night. Not much at all, just like 40ug. It might have been exacerbating the symptoms. After crying and freaking out for like 3 hours, I decided to write and draw. I hardly ever draw anymore so I'm not that good. I just kind of try and put my feeling on paper, or something that will make me feel something.

Also I had a dream last night. Maybe more than one, I can't remember. But this particular dream was quite amazing. It felt like a slice of heaven. I was with a cute girl I knew from when I was younger, she liked me... and I felt an innocent kind of attraction to her. I was tripping on ketamine for my first time. I've never taken ketamine before in my life, but in the dream it was kind of amazing. I can't even remember what was all going on, but I just remember certain images and the feeling of it. I do remember in a certain part thinking, "This is what destroys dreams". Kind of like when you're on ecstasy and you realize you have to come down eventually. I want to go back to that place and feeling. It almost felt just as real as this, if not more. I almost feel like this is a nightmare. This has to just be a dream.. just a phase.. and I'll wake up somewhere else. I'm okay now, but.. I'm consistently conscious of this numb feeling of nothingness. It's okay, though. I feel better than I did last night. Maybe it will continue to get better. I'm taking your guys' word for it. And you're right, I've only seen a small portion. I still have this feeling like I can just flip out at any moment.. and have this throbbing feeling in my head, with a sort of numbness consuming my body.. but it's okay, I guess.

Here's the pictures and what I drew and wrote down last night.