When I was younger I used to huff cans and cans of air duster.. Not really knowing any better. I believe that was when I was 15? Fuck, I can't remember. Well.. It really fucked me up in the long run.. I used to be a happy kid.. I became depressed and did all sorts of drugs. Anyways.. 10 years later.. I'm 25.. I hear Nitrous Oxide is relatively safe. I try it, and the feeling is exactly the same as when I was younger huffing air duster, even though both are different substances. I decided to put 4 chargers in one balloon, inhaled half the balloon... tripped for a moment.. breathed.. breathed.. then finished the rest of the balloon. Next thing that happened was I was stuck in a loop. A very.. very very... familiar loop. This was what death felt like. Simply going through the motions with no control over anything. No "me". I had these loops when I was younger, I can remember them and they're all too familiar. There's just nothing there. Nothing. No thing. Just a reverberation of everything that is nothing. Frozen in time. Forever. Hey me, what's up? Nothing. I'm dead.
I feel numb.. lately I've just felt really fucking numb. So numb.. it's painful. I only went through one box of 24, and I played it as safe as I could. Maybe 4 in such a quick succession deprived my brain of oxygen and in a sense.. I was dead? I'm so disappointed. Literally.. nothing there. This place was like inhalant hell.. watching life just come together piece by piece. Moving, just because you don't want to be frozen. I have such a strong urge to go back and never have done it. I just feel dead and like I'm restarting but I don't have a future like I did when I was a kid.. I just.. have a future of nothing. This is fucking depressing. To be fair I was depressed before I did it, taking a lot of MDMA and LSD, but it wasn't anything like this. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I feel stupid. I can't even think about killing myself anymore because I'll just go back to nothing. Before, "nothing" actually seemed kind of nice.. and suicide was actually somewhat of a comforting thought.. but now it's just... fucked. I am dead. I feel dead.
There's no point to any of this. Before I thought that everyone was kind of like their own god.. and that I actually had some control over my life.. but now it's like.. I was just materialized from nothing.. so I am nothing. Fuckkkk.. I wish someone could help me.. but there is no help. I just have to deal with it. Life is a cold bitch sometimes. The weird thing is there is no such thing as nothing.. but N20 seemed to bring me closer to that nothingness as if it makes sense. This is all just happening. There's no reason for it. I just want to feel again. I feel like I'm insane, and everything makes too much sense. I could bite a chunk of flesh off of my finger and it wouldn't be that bad. I almost want to. It's just.. it would be kind of messy.. and pointless.. other than that I'll feel something. No pleasure without pain, right? Now I'm just imagining all kinds of ways to die. It's a little unnerving.. but I'm not scared of it like I should be. I'm just horribly depressed that I can't feel any emotions except sadness. There's no pleasure anymore, no hope for a future. This was all going to happen anyways, I guess. My life feels over. Now I get to live the rest of my days as a fucking drone. Maybe I'm overreacting.. maybe I'll feel better with some time. I'm sorry, for this depressing ass post. I really am. I'm really sorry for being such a burnt out, worthless human being with nothing to offer this world. I'm sorry to everyone. I don't know if I'll ever be okay.
I feel numb.. lately I've just felt really fucking numb. So numb.. it's painful. I only went through one box of 24, and I played it as safe as I could. Maybe 4 in such a quick succession deprived my brain of oxygen and in a sense.. I was dead? I'm so disappointed. Literally.. nothing there. This place was like inhalant hell.. watching life just come together piece by piece. Moving, just because you don't want to be frozen. I have such a strong urge to go back and never have done it. I just feel dead and like I'm restarting but I don't have a future like I did when I was a kid.. I just.. have a future of nothing. This is fucking depressing. To be fair I was depressed before I did it, taking a lot of MDMA and LSD, but it wasn't anything like this. This is stupid. I'm stupid. I feel stupid. I can't even think about killing myself anymore because I'll just go back to nothing. Before, "nothing" actually seemed kind of nice.. and suicide was actually somewhat of a comforting thought.. but now it's just... fucked. I am dead. I feel dead.
There's no point to any of this. Before I thought that everyone was kind of like their own god.. and that I actually had some control over my life.. but now it's like.. I was just materialized from nothing.. so I am nothing. Fuckkkk.. I wish someone could help me.. but there is no help. I just have to deal with it. Life is a cold bitch sometimes. The weird thing is there is no such thing as nothing.. but N20 seemed to bring me closer to that nothingness as if it makes sense. This is all just happening. There's no reason for it. I just want to feel again. I feel like I'm insane, and everything makes too much sense. I could bite a chunk of flesh off of my finger and it wouldn't be that bad. I almost want to. It's just.. it would be kind of messy.. and pointless.. other than that I'll feel something. No pleasure without pain, right? Now I'm just imagining all kinds of ways to die. It's a little unnerving.. but I'm not scared of it like I should be. I'm just horribly depressed that I can't feel any emotions except sadness. There's no pleasure anymore, no hope for a future. This was all going to happen anyways, I guess. My life feels over. Now I get to live the rest of my days as a fucking drone. Maybe I'm overreacting.. maybe I'll feel better with some time. I'm sorry, for this depressing ass post. I really am. I'm really sorry for being such a burnt out, worthless human being with nothing to offer this world. I'm sorry to everyone. I don't know if I'll ever be okay.