- Joined
- Jul 8, 2017
- Messages
- 1,428
I relapsed in December last year due to a personal issue which caused me a lot of hurt. Long story.
Through December and January I was using 4-5 times a week, but then in February I decided to really cut back for my wellbeing and to make sure it didn't escalate back to what my life was like in 2016-2017 at the height of my use before I did outpatient intensive rehab.
Right now I've got it to once a week/fortnight. But I'm moving into a new, much larger apartment (studio to 2 bedroom) and as such my rent is increasing from $220 per week to $385 per week. It's affordable - minus my $250 a week/fortnight drug habit.
When I quit in 2017 I just stopped meth cold turkey. I didn't really experience many withdrawal symptoms except the feeling of boredom and like nothing was exciting or fun. I don't get comedowns or crashes from using though, which is apparently pretty unusual. I function fairly well.
The issue I'm worried about is less quitting. I don't doubt I can do that as I always pay my bills and part of why this relapse lasted so long was my financial position. I simply cannot afford to continue to use.
However, drug use to me is a mechanism of self harm, as is any substance use such as alcohol. It doesn't matter which one it is, the actual driving force behind it is a desire for self punishment. I learnt this when I relapsed. And the worrisome thing is, that is the exact same reason I engage in some forms of self harm (burning) and deliberate restriction of my eating.
I'm pretty concerned that once the drugs have been eliminated, that one of these other behaviours will slide in to place as that is precisely what happened when I went to rehab. In 2017. My friends were all (understandably) more concerned about my IV meth and occasional heroin use than anything else. The weed, the codeine, the cough syrup, the alcohol, that all got a free pass and a slap on the wrist.
The self harm was actually somewhat permitted as it was partly a form of communication by me. I am pathologically unable to initiate conversations with people about my mental state as well as I find it hard to name my emotions, so I often cut myself to prompt them to open up a discourse around how I was. They didn't encourage it, but it wasn't exactly discouraged at all. So it became somewhat engrained and I'm having to work really hard on undoing that now and trying my best to be vulnerable and open.
The restricted eating mainly resulted in friends feeding me because they'd ask if I'd eaten and if the answer was no (which it often was) then they would force me to choose something. My issues with food are complex and also influenced by my period of homelessness and poverty as well as Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder so I have a limited number of 'safe foods' I'm willing to try and I essentially refuse to deviate from them out of fear of dislike or wasting money. I'm genuinely attempting to work on that now by branching out with new types of foods, but it's a concern that I'll lose all my gains.
The issue that occured with my friends is because of the two tier system they created with 'accepted behaviour' and 'unaccepted behaviour' that I did generally avoid meth, for the most part over 5 years minus some single nights here and there. I used heroin once between 2017-2021. I did, however, frequently self harm, restrict my food, drink heavily, smoke weed, and abuse cough syrup. Because in my brain I knew I could 'get away with it.'
I've told all my friends they need to stay out of this issue. They had good intentions, but it actually caused the problem to remain unresolved due to how they viewed the behaviours. They didn't realise that the reason I use meth intravenously was the same reason I smoked a bong, or cut myself. As a result, 5 years post rehab I'm no closer to resolving this issue sans knowing where to start, thankfully. They've been informed that I'll still be honest with them about any aspect of my drug use they wish to be informed about, and they've told me they trust me to reach out for help if it comes to that. Besides that, they take little issue with my current level of use.
I just have zero clue how to address the main issue. How do I work through wanting to punish myself? It's not a drug addiction. I have a problem, of that there is no doubt in my mind. I also have no belief that I can ever use substances healthily, given I've never had that relationship with them. A behavioral addiction? I don't know. I can't go to a meeting for self punishment and working through that. And every time I go to therapy I seem to hit a brick wall, it's infuriating. A friend raised the possibility that the self punishment results from the abuse I experienced for being gender non-conforming as a child and that truly resonated with me. And it's an aspect of my history I've never fully addressed or looked into.
Would SMART meetings be able to help with other self destructive behaviours aside from drug use? Like, could I use them as a proxy to deal with cravings or triggers for self harm and restricting my eating? I just don't know where to go and I don't want to start this cycle all over again.
I was so proud of myself for my 5 years of working at recovery despite my occasional setbacks. But now I look back on it like nothing changed at all.
Through December and January I was using 4-5 times a week, but then in February I decided to really cut back for my wellbeing and to make sure it didn't escalate back to what my life was like in 2016-2017 at the height of my use before I did outpatient intensive rehab.
Right now I've got it to once a week/fortnight. But I'm moving into a new, much larger apartment (studio to 2 bedroom) and as such my rent is increasing from $220 per week to $385 per week. It's affordable - minus my $250 a week/fortnight drug habit.
When I quit in 2017 I just stopped meth cold turkey. I didn't really experience many withdrawal symptoms except the feeling of boredom and like nothing was exciting or fun. I don't get comedowns or crashes from using though, which is apparently pretty unusual. I function fairly well.
The issue I'm worried about is less quitting. I don't doubt I can do that as I always pay my bills and part of why this relapse lasted so long was my financial position. I simply cannot afford to continue to use.
However, drug use to me is a mechanism of self harm, as is any substance use such as alcohol. It doesn't matter which one it is, the actual driving force behind it is a desire for self punishment. I learnt this when I relapsed. And the worrisome thing is, that is the exact same reason I engage in some forms of self harm (burning) and deliberate restriction of my eating.
I'm pretty concerned that once the drugs have been eliminated, that one of these other behaviours will slide in to place as that is precisely what happened when I went to rehab. In 2017. My friends were all (understandably) more concerned about my IV meth and occasional heroin use than anything else. The weed, the codeine, the cough syrup, the alcohol, that all got a free pass and a slap on the wrist.
The self harm was actually somewhat permitted as it was partly a form of communication by me. I am pathologically unable to initiate conversations with people about my mental state as well as I find it hard to name my emotions, so I often cut myself to prompt them to open up a discourse around how I was. They didn't encourage it, but it wasn't exactly discouraged at all. So it became somewhat engrained and I'm having to work really hard on undoing that now and trying my best to be vulnerable and open.
The restricted eating mainly resulted in friends feeding me because they'd ask if I'd eaten and if the answer was no (which it often was) then they would force me to choose something. My issues with food are complex and also influenced by my period of homelessness and poverty as well as Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder so I have a limited number of 'safe foods' I'm willing to try and I essentially refuse to deviate from them out of fear of dislike or wasting money. I'm genuinely attempting to work on that now by branching out with new types of foods, but it's a concern that I'll lose all my gains.
The issue that occured with my friends is because of the two tier system they created with 'accepted behaviour' and 'unaccepted behaviour' that I did generally avoid meth, for the most part over 5 years minus some single nights here and there. I used heroin once between 2017-2021. I did, however, frequently self harm, restrict my food, drink heavily, smoke weed, and abuse cough syrup. Because in my brain I knew I could 'get away with it.'
I've told all my friends they need to stay out of this issue. They had good intentions, but it actually caused the problem to remain unresolved due to how they viewed the behaviours. They didn't realise that the reason I use meth intravenously was the same reason I smoked a bong, or cut myself. As a result, 5 years post rehab I'm no closer to resolving this issue sans knowing where to start, thankfully. They've been informed that I'll still be honest with them about any aspect of my drug use they wish to be informed about, and they've told me they trust me to reach out for help if it comes to that. Besides that, they take little issue with my current level of use.
I just have zero clue how to address the main issue. How do I work through wanting to punish myself? It's not a drug addiction. I have a problem, of that there is no doubt in my mind. I also have no belief that I can ever use substances healthily, given I've never had that relationship with them. A behavioral addiction? I don't know. I can't go to a meeting for self punishment and working through that. And every time I go to therapy I seem to hit a brick wall, it's infuriating. A friend raised the possibility that the self punishment results from the abuse I experienced for being gender non-conforming as a child and that truly resonated with me. And it's an aspect of my history I've never fully addressed or looked into.
Would SMART meetings be able to help with other self destructive behaviours aside from drug use? Like, could I use them as a proxy to deal with cravings or triggers for self harm and restricting my eating? I just don't know where to go and I don't want to start this cycle all over again.
I was so proud of myself for my 5 years of working at recovery despite my occasional setbacks. But now I look back on it like nothing changed at all.