Addiction Time to get Sober - Life Beyond Abstinence

[SunriseChampion]

I'll ask him but I'm pretty sure it involves refrigeration.

 

[tired of crap]

So my mental health has been fluctuating...
With the weather being shit Ive been reluctant to venture out.. or at least thats my excuse lol... its still much nicer than -10 but Ive been recluse, staying inside playing video games. Ive been exercising regularly though and it helps. But the rest of my healthful routine has seemingly fallen to pieces as I spend hours just dicking around on the Switch.

A few days ago after doing some core exercises I was putting the weights away and I awkwardly twisted and I noticed a slight pain/awkward feeling in my groin/thigh. So I laid down to inspect, fearing a hernia, and noticed a small hard lump. I begrudgingly emailed the Dr the next day. She felt I should set up an appointment and Im going in next week. However, this morning I noticed more lumps (either they werent there a couple days ago or I missed them) as well as another on the other side. So Im guessing its not a hernia if its on the other side which I didnt aggravate... but now my imagination (thanks to a google search) is running wild... fml lol

 

[SunriseChampion]

How'd you like the weather today?

 

[tired of crap]

Well weathers been nicer and Ive been staying active, though admittedly goign kinda stir crazy.

Had my Drs apt and follow up blood work and ultra sound.
Blood work came back normal but it turns out Ive got a hernia. Dr has refered me to a general surgeon to discuss surgery
Guess I should be thankful that the lump isnt anything sinister but

Feeling sorry for myself I decided to get drunk last night.
First time in over 18 months...

Started smoking cigarettes too

Cause who cares
Fuck it lol... might as well enjoy the ride

 

[tired of crap]

I know this is an over reaction.
But I got drunk again today.

Still smoking too

Doing some research though and apparently alcoholism and regular smoking decreases collagen production(?) and increases the likelihood of hernia and reoccurrence.

I know this road is a dead end but self destructive behaviour seems to be THE pattern when times get going.

Maybe it’s time to “try something different”

 

[tired of crap]

Well, drunk again every day since last posting. Still smoking the drum too.

Managed to knock a few important things off my list today though. Even started eating and hydrating properly these last few days. As I had really noticed the toll drinking, a lack of mg supplementation and proper nutrition we’re having - I was shaking decent yesterday after a few hours

Told myself I’d be finished with this behaviour come the weekend.

Planning a decent trip with something more forgiving tomorrow. Likely a solid 4 ho mipt trip, while we clean out the garage.

Gonna pack up the drum and stop buying booze.

Here’s hoping I’m not too deep

 

[tired of crap]

So I continued to drink for a few days... not a lot but enough.

Started work last week so I stopped drinking. And started doing some healthful activities again. Some exercises to strengthen my core and posture. And I started walking in the morning.

But then Wednesday came and my business partner told me she’s done. Just gonna find a part time job. And Thursday would be her last day.

Wtf we just finally registered a business name and opened a business bank account (we were just operating under our own namesake previously).

Now we have to dissolve the partnership and close all the accounts...

And I don’t know wtf to do for work. Plan is to try and continue but we haven’t heard from most clients, since all this Covid shit began.

So come Friday I was drinking again. All weekend. Nothing Monday though.

Smoking a tonne though. Idk how it happened but I’m back to using it to cope with stress..... and it’s not fuckin working lol yet I keep buying em

I can’t keep this up tho.
I feel like shit compared to who I was feeling before.

Finally got to some important tasks tho. Set up an apt with the surgeon. And In an attempt to mitigate some risks regarding employment I applied to graduate in the fall (lol only 3 years after finishing my courses). Though the thought of finding a real job, especially in a business related field, does not appeal to me at all

 

[tired of crap]

Well I’m keeping drinking to my off days anyways. And despite a few days free from smoking I bought another pack yesterday,despite not drinking.

Been trying to get out daily for a walk, at least. Even managed some yoga followed by a run on Saturday. Too hungover more recently but w/o drinking Monday or Tuesday I did the same today..

I’ve been trying to accomplish somethings, despite the relapse... I managed to tend the lawn and the gardens over the weekend. Even managed to vacuum and clean out the car.... even some self care before work this am

Despite feeling like shit first thing some mornings I’ve been eating ok and taking magnesium 2x/day ( which makes a world of difference tbh)... but I’ve noticed significant muscle loss from ~ a month ago (thanks no exercise/ lack of proper nutrition)

Yet things aren’t terrible, despite trying times

Plan is to reduce consumption of both substances before the weekend and to trip while everyone is out.... with an intent to address said issues. I know psychedelics aren’t a panacea but I just need some reprieve

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey man. So I guess alcohol is your DOC?? What was your drinking like that made you want to quit? I'm guessing it wasn't manageable drinking on your days off that still let you go for runs, do yoga, tend to your lawn etc?? In my experience trying to quit 2 drugs - tobacco & alcohol - at once is really difficult, since if you give in you're likely to relapse on both at once. It's easier to pick one to stop - I'd suggest alcohol if smoking and alcohol go hand in hand - then once you're off that, then try quit the other one?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Hey man. So I guess alcohol is your DOC?? What was your drinking like that made you want to quit? I'm guessing it wasn't manageable drinking on your days off that still let you go for runs, do yoga, tend to your lawn etc?? In my experience trying to quit 2 drugs - tobacco & alcohol - at once is really difficult, since if you give in you're likely to relapse on both at once. It's easier to pick one to stop - I'd suggest alcohol if smoking and alcohol go hand in hand - then once you're off that, then try quit the other one?

Hey Rio how are you doing man?

It's been a rough 2020 for me, I'm sick for the 4th time in 8 months (physical, contagious illness type disease, not "sick" as in withdrawal)... I have been abstaining from everything but alcohol and weed/weed extract (which is amazing because I wouldn't have to try very hard or expend a lot of energy to find stuff) and am hoping I can keep that up.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Hey Rio how are you doing man?

It's been a rough 2020 for me, I'm sick for the 4th time in 8 months (physical, contagious illness type disease, not "sick" as in withdrawal)... I have been abstaining from everything but alcohol and weed/weed extract (which is amazing because I wouldn't have to try very hard or expend a lot of energy to find stuff) and am hoping I can keep that up.

I'm 4 days in off my last bender. Trying to piece together some real clean time and claw my way out this week on/week off cycle that I've been stuck in since lockdown started. Taking some suggestions on board like calling people when I have cravings and just getting out my flat as often as possible is helping! 4 times in 8 months is crazy! Have you been checked out? (by a doctor! )

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm 4 days in off my last bender. Trying to piece together some real clean time and claw my way out this week on/week off cycle that I've been stuck in since lockdown started. Taking some suggestions on board like calling people when I have cravings and just getting out my flat as often as possible is helping! 4 times in 8 months is crazy! Have you been checked out? (by a doctor! )

None of the times. I had influenza B, influenza A, what I presume was covid...and now something else (which I'm sure I know what it is ) so yeah that's fun.

I actually do need to see a doctor but covid is peaking (testing is essentially not happening; 10 day waiting period for test results is terrible/too late; no antibody testing) and I don't want to subject myself to more sickness

I'm trying to stay positive, and I am maybe like 2 weeks-ish into this, this shouldn't last forever and I'm not going to lose it over this. I'll be OK.

Right now I'm seeing 1 or zero people per day (and it's always the same person)... my social life shrank down to almost nothing (and it's the right thing to do... I want this plague to go away) and I can live with that. I still get nightmares every time I sleep (and last night was very distinct using dreams, really gross I would rather have normal nightmares honestly) and it's been this way for 1 month. I'm thinking it'll go away in a few more months.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

None of the times. I had influenza B, influenza A, what I presume was covid...and now something else (which I'm sure I know what it is ) so yeah that's fun.

I actually do need to see a doctor but covid is peaking (testing is essentially not happening; 10 day waiting period for test results is terrible/too late; no antibody testing) and I don't want to subject myself to more sickness

I'm trying to stay positive, and I am maybe like 2 weeks-ish into this, this shouldn't last forever and I'm not going to lose it over this. I'll be OK.

Right now I'm seeing 1 or zero people per day (and it's always the same person)... my social life shrank down to almost nothing (and it's the right thing to do... I want this plague to go away) and I can live with that. I still get nightmares every time I sleep (and last night was very distinct using dreams, really gross I would rather have normal nightmares honestly) and it's been this way for 1 month. I'm thinking it'll go away in a few more months.

damn CH! It's a testament to your strength tho just the way you're thinking now. Being able to say to yourself "This will go away in a few months" and be accepting of that is insane and incredible to me. I can barely stand to go through half an hour of craving/depression/anhedonia but here you are ready to solider through a few more months of nightmares and shit and you're fine with it. its really inspiring dude.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

damn CH! It's a testament to your strength tho just the way you're thinking now. Being able to say to yourself "This will go away in a few months" and be accepting of that is insane and incredible to me. I can barely stand to go through half an hour of craving/depression/anhedonia but here you are ready to solider through a few more months of nightmares and shit and you're fine with it. its really inspiring dude.

Thanks, well it might go away, it might not - I should probably just see a psychiatrist again and get back on meds but I'm scared to do that, though I'm sure that sounds insane.

I know you've done it too man you've got really good lengths of clean time before, I know you can do it again. Shit's rough for everyone right now where I live - in UK they are opening back up again? How has the lock down been for you?

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Thanks, well it might go away, it might not - I should probably just see a psychiatrist again and get back on meds but I'm scared to do that, though I'm sure that sounds insane.

I know you've done it too man you've got really good lengths of clean time before, I know you can do it again. Shit's rough for everyone right now where I live - in UK they are opening back up again? How has the lock down been for you?

I used the lockdown as a time for self-improvement and recovery for April, then relapsed at the end of April and haven't managed more than a week since, but I'm really really fucking trying now!! The UK is easing all its lockdown restrictions now yeah, since the cases are on decline in most of the country. I hear the case is worse in the USA???

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I used the lockdown as a time for self-improvement and recovery for April, then relapsed at the end of April and haven't managed more than a week since, but I'm really really fucking trying now!! The UK is easing all its lockdown restrictions now yeah, since the cases are on decline in most of the country. I hear the case is worse in the USA???

Americans have a mask phobia. I think it stems from a deep seated (perhaps often in most cases subconscious; people may be in denial) Islamophobia, because they think they can't trust people if they don't see their face, or whatever. It's weird. I think that's the psychology of it.

That and people want to feel they have freedom/independence/control in a situation in which they do not (i.e. a pandemic where they are vulnerable to a virus).

I also like to have personal space, others get very close to me and I am not a fan (i.e. random people who do not know me). I do everything I can to keep 6 feet of personal space from people and often people act like they don't care or think the mask is MAGICAL and 100% (it's not as effective as condoms are... I think that has been shown) and also, I see a lot of people not putting the mask over their nose (sneeze droplets can travel 20+ feet; much further than coughing droplets can).

This led me to believe the mask rules would make people feel too zealous/safe in what they are doing, not distance correctly, and it would lead to more infections. And perhaps I was right. But many people still aren't using them in public spaces, and I don't know why.

Prior to CA "locking down again" I also saw many people congregating without distancing and without masks *waiting to get seated into a restaurant* - I understand taking the mask off to eat DUH, but, come on! You know?

It's like how we know smoking tobacco KILLS but you still see so many people doing it. You can't trust people to care about the welfare of others (this is a recurring theme in many of Rand's books), I'm seeing it play out visibly (whereas you can't see the # of people not using condoms in their private bedrooms, this is a very public/visible indicator of someone's callousness toward public health goals/objectives)... and it's quite disheartening.

I think in other countries, even other western world nations, you see people "care more" about others, general welfare. I can't say that is the case or whatever but that's the perception I've been getting.

I'm imagining Donald J. Trump being a screw job has a lot to do with this.

 

[Iceman1216]

Well, drunk again every day since last posting. Still smoking the drum too.

Managed to knock a few important things off my list today though. Even started eating and hydrating properly these last few days. As I had really noticed the toll drinking, a lack of mg supplementation and proper nutrition we’re having - I was shaking decent yesterday after a few hours

Told myself I’d be finished with this behaviour come the weekend.

Planning a decent trip with something more forgiving tomorrow. Likely a solid 4 ho mipt trip, while we clean out the garage.

Gonna pack up the drum and stop buying booze.

Here’s hoping I’m not too deep

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Americans have a mask phobia. I think it stems from a deep seated (perhaps often in most cases subconscious; people may be in denial) Islamophobia, because they think they can't trust people if they don't see their face, or whatever. It's weird. I think that's the psychology of it.

That and people want to feel they have freedom/independence/control in a situation in which they do not (i.e. a pandemic where they are vulnerable to a virus).

I also like to have personal space, others get very close to me and I am not a fan (i.e. random people who do not know me). I do everything I can to keep 6 feet of personal space from people and often people act like they don't care or think the mask is MAGICAL and 100% (it's not as effective as condoms are... I think that has been shown) and also, I see a lot of people not putting the mask over their nose (sneeze droplets can travel 20+ feet; much further than coughing droplets can).

This led me to believe the mask rules would make people feel too zealous/safe in what they are doing, not distance correctly, and it would lead to more infections. And perhaps I was right. But many people still aren't using them in public spaces, and I don't know why.

Prior to CA "locking down again" I also saw many people congregating without distancing and without masks *waiting to get seated into a restaurant* - I understand taking the mask off to eat DUH, but, come on! You know?

It's like how we know smoking tobacco KILLS but you still see so many people doing it. You can't trust people to care about the welfare of others (this is a recurring theme in many of Rand's books), I'm seeing it play out visibly (whereas you can't see the # of people not using condoms in their private bedrooms, this is a very public/visible indicator of someone's callousness toward public health goals/objectives)... and it's quite disheartening.

I think in other countries, even other western world nations, you see people "care more" about others, general welfare. I can't say that is the case or whatever but that's the perception I've been getting.

I'm imagining Donald J. Trump being a screw job has a lot to do with this.

Weird you mention Ayn Rand, since in the libertarian society her & other right-libertarian types propose the society would have zero mechanism for dealing with a pandemic like this and it would be even more disastrous than it already is. If people can't be trusted to care about the welfare of others than abolishing the state and allowing private corporations to do whatever they want and hoping that consumer choice would substitute for the government's structures that are in place to protect the disenfranchised & oppressed sounds like a horrible decision, which it certainly would be.

I agree with you about the unique US psychology regarding masks. People seem to see it as a serious infringement of their liberty and it's become a political statement. There is a similar undercurrent to the UK response amongst some people, but nowhere near as bad or as reactionary as the US. That's why a lot of East Asian countries have actually recovered from coronavirus far quicker than many of us in the west, since mask-wearing compliance is >95%.

I don't know if I'd draw a parallel between smoking & mask-wearing. Maybe between smoking indoors or in a car with non-smokers and mask-wearing, but if you take care to not inflict secondhand smoke on others than you're only really hurting yourself, whereas not wearing a mask isn't just exposing yourself but others as well, you know??

Still though CH, your continued abstinence from hard drugs continues to awe me. How's the depression been recently?? Has it been supplanted by physical sickness?? I find that if ever I get a cold/flu (not withdrawal) than any mental health issues I may have been suffering before that kind of fade away and is replaced by just the general lethargy and malaise of the sickness, which actually is sometimes preferable to the mood swings/depression I was going through immediately prior to getting sick - especially when it happens when I'm very early into "sobriety".

 

[tired of crap]

@Rio Fantastic
Ya, alcohol is my doc...
Tbh I prefer weed, psyches and dissos but when I get stressed and need an escape alcohol is where I turn.

I too used (the first bit of) lockdown for self improvement. I was doing all sorts of positive. When I hurt myself near the start of June and after a visit to the Dr revealed I’d need surgery to repair a hernia I started drinking for the first time in >18 months.

It’s not crazy out of control but I don’t feel good about it. It’s causing some issues (I don’t eat or take care of myself properly). Yet I keep on going lol and that’s where my concern lies.

 

[tired of crap]

Well I’m not drinking anymore
But I’m not drinking any less either lol

Just got an email yesterday from my landlord tho and she’s selling the house. Says she wants to sell to someone interested in renting to us... but who knows as she said it needs to be sold ASAP and if she can’t find someone to rent it to us she’ll take whoever. So we’re looking for new places.

So now I’ve got to quit so I can start saving for first and lasts, just in case we have to move/find a suitable place.

As to be honest I don’t wanna sit back and wait to be potentially forced out if the new owner doesn’t wanna rent