That good to hear that you know you will not use them. I believe you when you explain the difference between fantasy and reality.
Now, I understand that people worry when you tell about your kill kit, even if it is just for use in the fantasy. We all here just know fragments about you. It's not that common to have a kill kit, and we don't know all those things about you that make you simmilar to most people/us.
Humans with Paranoid Schizophrenia are very rarely dangerous, and if they take to violence it's usually at home, having being pushed over the edge anxiety or anger. You, and everybody elde here, should know that.
As someone else here mentioned, these fantasies are often caused by anger and/or anxiety. As my psychiatrist told me during evaluation ;
These are thoughts are normal for humans who have experienced extraordinary events (traumas).
Btw, sometimes complex and high degree PTSD is mistaken for Paranoid Schizophrenia. It is possible to heal completely from both diagnosis. By memory; a surprisingly 1/3 of PS patients heal completely, and another 1/3 improves symptoms/makes it manageable. Onset in early age improves the chance to heal partly or completely.
Some wonders in PS being connected with PTSD, but it is yet speculation. It is probably because if you maximize many PTSD symptoms, particularly high degree dissociation, it overlaps a lot with PS.
OP;
I don't worry about you actually hurting someone. I believe you hurt, and it's probably connected to your diagnosis. Being diagnosed with PS doesn't mske you more dangerous than any if us, and even if you get psycotic or cannot trust your senses, it doesn't remove your empathy and sympathy for others.
But it's worrying that you don't feel good. If symptoms gets worse, and more difficult to manage/impairing, it could be time to talk with a doctor about symptom management. And it is also important to work on how to process emotions. Learning this will often reduce anxiety and give a better quality of life. (and can heal completely over time if effective therapy is found)
Have anything changed in your life, before or during the occurrence of your fantasy? Is it a daily fantasy, or is it connected to uncomfortable events?
Like, before a meeting you worry about, or after something which made you hurt/sad/angry/scared? When you learn how to process emotions in a different way, the fantasy is likely to be less intrusive in your mind.
When I had similar fantasies it was when my life was in free fall, lots of things had happened, unrelated but in every part of my life/arenas. I felt zero control, future was without visible hope, and my anxiety levels was through the roof.
It's better without such fantasies. Even if it is a way to vent emotions when one are not yet able to process them in a different way, it is scary too. I kept asking if they had evaluated me for psychosis, they insisted I was normal, but dealing with ptsd. (I remember my 'rational self' noticing the absurdity as my 'emotional self' did the talking. The more I questioned my own sanity, the more freedom I got. )
Can you feel better by activities or things you like? Also, be careful with drugs that can worsen symptome. Being a member in here you probably have a little experience. Stimulants can increase anxiety, as a general rule. Or high THC cannabis, or alcohol. Chose your preferred drug wisely if you use, and use it in a self medicating way, not only to pause emotions.
I sympathise with you, and I'm sorry for all your hurt. And I do understand that you are afraid of not getting help that helps. If they believe you when you tell about your fantasy, and disbelieve you only about it being a fantasy, you risk repeating what you have experienced before. Stored away with little personal freedom, sometimes treated like a child or cognitive impaired person, instead of a person with personality, knowledge and dignity, who happens to have a diagnosis related mostly to emotional regulation. I'm perfectly convinced you make sound conclusions and decisions in situations where you feel calm and safe.
It is also such an environment you need to be able to heal, with a skilled therapist whom you learn to trust. I do believe you need therapy, I don't think you need to be committed against your will when you are sure it is only a fantasy.
But most people can be scared. I think perhaps it is the same way as I used toys ad a child. Playing house I used dolls and tea pots, playing war we had toy guns. Believe me; we would have used real guns if that haf been an option! Not firing at each other, just playing the same way but with way cooler props. Being an adult, it would be pretty silly to use a plastic pirate sword from a toy shop to support your fantasy daydream.
Your post clearly shows it is not reality for you. You also feel horrible for having these fantasies, and you don't feel compulsory to act it out. It's an emotional outlet, which can be replaced with a more healing (and social accepted) process.
And I urge everyone who answers the OP to use compassion and friendliness. It is very brave to share thoughts like this, when OP simultaneously also knows they are not normal or accepted. If we all freak out (due to little knowledge about psychology and the OP) we will fuel the anxiety for any reaction he/she gets from health professionals.
Btw, I'm pretty sure msny a gun owner fantasise about shooting burglars in self defence. Or perhaps their neighbour. Doesn't mean it's going to happen. It's just that dark and despaird shit we don't post about on Facebook.
Getting stucked with a fantasy is not healthy in a long term perspective. Naming and having a 'kill kit' is perhaps a way to express hurt or anger, but it can be misconstrued and get you into trouble. At the same time, emotionally resisting the fantasy as it plays out in your mind is likely to make it stuck with you for a longer time. And ultimately, having the 'kill kit', reinforcing the fantasy without emotional surrendering and processing, may give you a routine that sticks with you even longer. I'm not sure about this, but perhaps playing with your kill kit distracts you from dealing with the difficult stuff in a more healing way. Some draw, some roleplay. Not having a sufficient emotional language can be replaved with a more visual fantasy.
I just reach "not stoned" again. Think I've been writing on this post for two hours? I spent my mind high writing this post. Must read it tomorrow, haha.
Tl, dr: relax, you're not crazy and dangerous. You need a friendly hug. And help too, but not because you are dangerous, because it can improve your life quality and allow you to feel better.
Well I've created a kill kit, consisting of a balaclava, rigid uk handcuffs, large hunting knives and some chloroform which I got when I was using it to extract some drug years ago. I know that I won't use it but it's just part of the fantasy I guess.
I actually have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia but my issues revolve around the authorities rather than individual members of the public so I'm not so sure it's related.
I'm sorry to hear you were raped, that really sucks. I was assaulted years ago where my nose was broken and I've not gotten over that incident. I still feel anger about my attacker to this day even though it just resulted in a badly broken nose.
Oh, Jeez...Please seek some professional help NOW. Do you have a professional that you trust (i.e. medical or psych)?