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This is hard to write, but I've just found out my wife's had an affair

D

Destroyedbill

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 23, 2016
Messages
2
Firstly, hi. I appreciate you taking the time to mull my problems over.

my wife and I have been married since 2000. In 2004 I moved away for a few months with work. Our relationship had got stressful, and I had started taking meds to deal with it. They made me go a lot loopy, and I had a bad 18 months sleeping (protected) around. I confessed all about a year later. My wife worked me over, really stuck it into me as to what a sex mad bastard I was. A few months later she admitted that she had had a one night stand with my best friend. Obviously I forgave her, as she had forgiven me. In the mean time, we went on to have 3 children, and she would remind me when I got a bit perky how I was a useless sex mad jerk.

Anyway 8 years pass, and then she drops a bomb shell on me that her one night stand with my best friend had actually been a 5 year affair, overlapping the conception of our first child (he's mine). The troubles I had had in 2004 that drove me to medicate myself were not in my head as she kept telling me at the time, but rather, they were the manifestations of her sneaking around, and me subliminally knowing.

So as I said she has been faithful to me for 8 years, we have 3 children together, but this is starting to drive me a lot loopy, I'm running on about 3-4 hours sleep and have developed a twitch. I've piled weight on, and have huge suicidal thoughts. Sex is a chore for her, she is an unhappy house wife, and daydreams of better things all day.
I don't know that I'm asking for help, or not. Writing this down in itself may make me more able to cope, leaving is not an option. I will not allow her to bring up 3 dysfunctional children on her own, I'm the only sanity my boys seem to have. Barely an hour goes by when I don't want to kill my ex best friend. I won't obviously, but it's the thought that counts.

Anyway, I've said enough, I think you get the picture. You probably think I have brought this all on myself, maybe I have. Some people just deserve unmitigated unhappiness. Maybe I'm destined to be one of them
 
wow, so you think staying with someone you want to kill figuratively speaking is healthy?

what do you want us to say...?
 
You are unhappy and your wife is unhappy - do you honestly think that is a good environment for your children to be be brought up in ? Getting divorced and leaving does not automatically mean that your children will suffer and staying with your wife and lying to your children may cause more harm.
 
pofacedhoe said:
wow, so you think staying with someone you want to kill figuratively speaking is healthy?

what do you want us to say...?
Click to expand...


I want to kill him not her, I actually really love her, and i think she loves me. She just fails to manifest that feeling with physical actions
 
I think that I is a realm tough situation in general. One thing is that it happened a really long time ago. So in my opinion its like ahh there is no point in worrying about something ended so long ago. Hard none the less but thinking about it and not taking any action (I.e. Divorce, separation, therapy, ect) seems pointless. I know its easy for me to say and impossible for you to fathom but really the best option for your psyche.

But really, I don't know your home life or anything, but the most important part of it all is your children. It's easy to get lost in adult/personal issues but the most important thing in all of it is to make sure your kids are completely oblivious to your situation. Bottom line the best thing for you and the best thing for your children may not correlate but the children are more important.

And you can love someone to your core and not be happy in a relationship with them. Deciphering the difference and choosing the best option to shelter your kids from any negative influences from your marriage is what will be the best decision.

I'm sure you do that already. But the kids are most important.
 
Destroyedbill said:
I want to kill him not her, I actually really love her, and i think she loves me. She just fails to manifest that feeling with physical actions
Click to expand...

She may 'love' you but its clear that she is not happy with you. Do you want her to be unhappy ?
 
It sounds like she has turned and will be against you for the rest of her life. If so, it's time to move on.
 
You are holding on to an illusion, and you are allowing yourself to be walked all over. She cheated on you with your best friend for 5 years, you are only mad at your "friend"? She made those choices, she doesn't find sexual fulfillment with you and that is important to know. If the attraction is not mutual and if you have no trust then you are living a lie. You shouldn't be mad at either of them any more, you should end the relationship and find a healthy one where you are respected and loved. It is important for children to grow up observing healthy relationships as the relationship that they witness between their parents is what they will emulate in the future and you don't want your sons to grow up and gravitate toward woman who don't respect them and walk all over them because that is what they learned that love is supposed to be. People accept the love that they think they deserve and perhaps that says a lot about you and the way you feel about yourself, no one deserves to endure such a betrayal and just take it. Everyone deserves to be respected and loved and to be loved fully and completely.

You have every right to say that I am wrong and continue with this relationship, different strokes for different folks. Perhaps that is what you are truly into, being cuckolded but you need to have a serious internal dialog about this and be able to admit what you really want or if you are just desperately holding onto an illusion because that's what it sounds like.
 
Why did she choose now to tell you this? Why did she want to hurt you this week?
I'm sorry things are so shit. That really is harsh, even if this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened in the world.
I'm not sure if you can make her happy, I'm just as not sure if she can make herself happy. Maybe the marriage can be saved, but just holding on while you suffer forever is not noble or romantic after a point.

You two can be better than this, but you sure ain't yet.
 
You need to man up and make her desire you again. Start hitting the gym and do things that will better YOU. Then you can start bettering the relationship.


Also I'm a firm believer in counseling, see if she's up for it.
 
If she's such a useless bitch, have her get a job. Then the kids will be around her less and there will be more money to afford marriage counseling.

I'd also start to squirrel money away for myself, as well as depositions of her infidelity, so when the kids are 18 you can GTFO without giving her alimony.
 
Good luck man. I'm trying counseling right now. Went to it 3 times so far. Not sure if it's going to work. I pray to God that it does.
 
I'm a young guy, but I know enough to say if this happened once, it's going to happen again. Play for the long game, put your children first, you love them more than your wife. She is going to do more harm then good if you keep trying to fix things. You will always love her, but keep your distance to protect your kids. They love you and you love them, don't ever let them forget.
 
I understand feeling that leaving is not an option since you don't want your children growing up with a "dysfunctional family", but the reality is, they already are. I mean, a 5 year long affair? Countless cheating acts, lies, etc. There is so much sadness, anger, resentment between you and your wife and that is not healthy for your children at all. I mean, you'd rather continue this cycle of you being severely unhappy and you wife messing with your best friend. What will you tell your children? What happens when your children find out this is going on?
 
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