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This has to stop…

B

Beiny

Greenlighter
Joined
Aug 15, 2022
Messages
9
Well, here it is. Just (literally) but the bow on a week that featured 31.5g and $1750 going up my f-cking nose. Looking back, I’m probably $50-60k all in over the years. And no one (other than my dog and former therapist) really knows. My wife thinks I have severe manic / depression, which, to me, is better than the truth. I’m 100% she would leave me - and I wouldn’t blame her. But I would be very afraid of that tailspin - as rudderless as I am at times, probably the only reason I haven’t gone completely off the edge is her.

I got a new job I love a month ago. I called in fake sick all last week cause I was gacked out. I blew an interview for another job I really would have loved because I couldn’t stop doing blow the night before and didn’t sleep. Like Jesus f-ing Christ - why is wrong with me? I don’t do it all the time, but when I do - holy fuck. Always by myself - average an 8-ball in 12-18 hours and after 2-3 lines I’m paranoid as shit hiding under the covers to take a hit etc.

How bad is it? After ceremoniously finishing up and saying to my dog maybe that it, I texted my wife to tell her I missed her - then is started wearing off a bit and I texted my dealer.

Jesus.
 
Beiny said:
Well, here it is. Just (literally) but the bow on a week that featured 31.5g and $1750 going up my f-cking nose. Looking back, I’m probably $50-60k all in over the years. And no one (other than my dog and former therapist) really knows. My wife thinks I have severe manic / depression, which, to me, is better than the truth. I’m 100% she would leave me - and I wouldn’t blame her. But I would be very afraid of that tailspin - as rudderless as I am at times, probably the only reason I haven’t gone completely off the edge is her.

I got a new job I love a month ago. I called in fake sick all last week cause I was gacked out. I blew an interview for another job I really would have loved because I couldn’t stop doing blow the night before and didn’t sleep. Like Jesus f-ing Christ - why is wrong with me? I don’t do it all the time, but when I do - holy fuck. Always by myself - average an 8-ball in 12-18 hours and after 2-3 lines I’m paranoid as shit hiding under the covers to take a hit etc.

How bad is it? After ceremoniously finishing up and saying to my dog maybe that it, I texted my wife to tell her I missed her - then is started wearing off a bit and I texted my dealer.

Jesus.
Click to expand...

Welcome to bluelight

Damn, I wish I could just make you feel the way I do about sobriety.

Not to get all armchair therapist on you, but it's interesting that you don't mention wanting to stop, or anything like that, after the title.

I always would say, alright let me just finish this bag, THEN I'm done.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

For what reasons do you want to quit? Say your dog and wife didn't give two shits that you used. Why do you want to stop?
 
mtu mwendawazimu said:
Why do you want to stop?
Click to expand...
In no particular order…

1. It’s not even fun anymore
2. It’s had a HUGE impact on me financially
3. I feel like a piece of shit lying and sneaking around (afterwards)
4. It’s ruining my relationship with my wife
5. It’s made me a less dependable employee

There’s too much traffic for my dealer to make the drive. I could go up to him, but I won’t. Silver linings.

There’s definitely a large correlation with drinking - a couple drinks and the next thing you know I’m lining it up. So that’s gotta stop too.
 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaethylene

If you can, don't drink and do coke, man. "Some studies suggest that consuming alcohol in combination with cocaine may be more cardiotoxic than cocaine and it also carries an 18 to 25 fold increase over cocaine alone in risk of immediate death" One of my friend's brother passed this way at the age of 19, shortly before when he would've turned 20.
 
Beiny said:
In no particular order…

1. It’s not even fun anymore
2. It’s had a HUGE impact on me financially
3. I feel like a piece of shit lying and sneaking around (afterwards)
4. It’s ruining my relationship with my wife
5. It’s made me a less dependable employee

There’s too much traffic for my dealer to make the drive. I could go up to him, but I won’t. Silver linings.

There’s definitely a large correlation with drinking - a couple drinks and the next thing you know I’m lining it up. So that’s gotta stop too.
Click to expand...

1). Using against your own will is a shitty feeling, understood completely. I personally try to find what I'm grateful for. Sounds like you have a lot to live for. I try to remember even the small things. And hobbies or people I neglected along the way.

2). Yeah. But you'll always find a way to justify it. It won't stop until you literally can't afford it.

3). Guilt can perpetuate this. Your feelings are valid, but please be easy on yourself.

4). It's really just a matter of time. This can easily fall apart.

5). It's a good feeling to be present and clear headed for others when they need you. Personally, my clear head is valued very much.. and I've always made such smart moves and decisions in sobriety.

yd420 said:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocaethylene

If you can, don't drink and do coke, man. "Some studies suggest that consuming alcohol in combination with cocaine may be more cardiotoxic than cocaine and it also carries an 18 to 25 fold increase over cocaine alone in risk of immediate death" One of my friend's brother passed this way at the age of 19, shortly before when he would've turned 20.
Click to expand...

Yeah I mean, it's toxic as fuck.

Moreover, it made me relapse countless times.

@Beiny - I wish I could help more. Sort of struggling to convey my feelings to you, but, you're a smart guy and deserve the pleasures of sobriety. And believe me they exist
 
Beiny said:
In no particular order…

1. It’s not even fun anymore
2. It’s had a HUGE impact on me financially
3. I feel like a piece of shit lying and sneaking around (afterwards)
4. It’s ruining my relationship with my wife
5. It’s made me a less dependable employee

There’s too much traffic for my dealer to make the drive. I could go up to him, but I won’t. Silver linings.

There’s definitely a large correlation with drinking - a couple drinks and the next thing you know I’m lining it up. So that’s gotta stop too.
Click to expand...

Hello, welcome here 😊

That does seem like an awful lot of money. Also, you know about the nose thing? I fainted on a train once reading about that happening to someone associated with The Doors. How your nostrils can turn into one big nostril 😕

And.. Be good to your wife!!

Good luck,
Abbey xx
 
Stop the selfish me behavior and focus your energies on the wife and dog.
Instead of copping a bag get some dog food and take the wife out to dinner or something.
Once is a start. It may get to be a habit of passing the dope man....
Worked for me a few years ago. ymmv
<3
Not beating on ya but can ya see where this is going? It is not about you its about who/what you hold dear.
We all gonna fuck up at some point use it as a stepping stone.
peace
 
Well, I did it again.Convinced my dealer to meet me halfway and got 7. Not quite finished, but finished enough to sob in the 3rd shower of the day. Completely blew off work (again)

So tomorrow it begins (again).
 
Beiny said:
Well, I did it again.Convinced my dealer to meet me halfway and got 7. Not quite finished, but finished enough to sob in the 3rd shower of the day. Completely blew off work (again)

So tomorrow it begins (again).
Click to expand...
I think @6am-64-14m has a very good point in the post above this one ^.

You are correct that this has to stop. The question is, when do you want it to stop? When you're wifeless, jobless, and homeless? Sounds like an awful way to learn your lesson.

As someone who has experienced homelessness, it isn't as glamorous and adventurous as the movies make it out to be. Believe it or not, we don't have to hit rock bottom to turn our lives around. C'mon man, please quit fucking around and get some professional help. Be honest with those you care about most and with yourself. Ditch your dealer's number and change yours. It's probably the only way you can keep from destroying everything you have worked for. Do you honestly think your dealer gives two shits about you above and beyond all the money you put into his pocket? I think you know the answer to that question.
 
Appreciate all the advice etc. Finally got decent sleep last night, but need about a week more. Made it into work & was productive, though I was fidgety as fuck (desk job) and had to concentrate hard not to look like a junkie coming off a 10-day binge. But I made it through the day and am looking forward to bed.

My dealer is a nice guy - but I have no delusions he gives two shits about me (though, to be fair, HE has actually cut me off from time to time!). I tried the delete number thing, but there are past phone bills etc. There’s always a way. I gotta be “ready”and able to overcome the desire. My brain chemistry is undoubtedly fucked up right now, but if I can get back to the other healthy things that make me tick I might have a fighting chance. I just can’t believe how bad it’s gotten and the retrospective is crazy. Sometimes I think I should write a book - not because my story is unique, but because it’s probably not.

[Chapter 1 - Tropical Beginnings

Luquillo was in the midst of a month-long celebration of its 300-year anniversary as a town when we arrived. I was one of 10 college students who came to the island from a small mountain college in NH for a 3-week Tropical Biology course and was immediately enamored with the place, the culture.

Our second night in town, taking in the festivities after a hard day in the field, my friend CK looked to line up some weed. “Freddie” had us covered. But what he brought back for our $20 was not weed - it was a thumb-sized plastic bag containing a white powder substance. The stuff of my dreams. The stuff of my nightmares…]
 
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Or
Beiny said:
In no particular order…

1. It’s not even fun anymore
2. It’s had a HUGE impact on me financially
3. I feel like a piece of shit lying and sneaking around (afterwards)
4. It’s ruining my relationship with my wife
5. It’s made me a less dependable employee

There’s too much traffic for my dealer to make the drive. I could go up to him, but I won’t. Silver linings.

There’s definitely a large correlation with drinking - a couple drinks and the next thing you know I’m lining it up. So that’s gotta stop too.
Click to expand...
Not to be contrite but you could just go to work, chain yourself to your desk if you need to, I don't think there's any risk your head is literally going to explode or you'll spontaneously combust. You may get depressed and literally hate everyone you work with from the moment you walk in the door until you hit the parking but the worst that will happen is they either fire you or give you a promotion. To echo posters above, have you ever seriously considered medical treatment and 12 step groups? It does sound like you have a chemical imbalance and the damage you could be doing to you're body could take years and years to get a handle on.
 
Can you afford inpatient or local mental health ward? I’m guessing one would need to risk being honest with your wife and to build enough goodwill from your job to take a leave of absence.
If in your heart you want to stop, but it’s taken ahold of your entire being then getting help would be reasonable.
 
I'm sure employer and wife are on board but you may want to use a good healthy dose of discretion here, rigorous honesty doesn't mean you can't tell little white lies.
 
The Axe said:
use a good healthy dose of discretion here, rigorous honesty doesn't mean you can't tell little white lies.
Click to expand...
i think they call this "embellishing" and is expected to a certain degree in business its what its about, right?
just know the answers to your answers and remember to breath... it helps a lot ime.
:)
 
I feel ya man if i had the cash to do that much cke i would. Most i ever did was 7 grams in a night i shot the lot of it. Thought my heart would explode. Coke is some bad shit.
 
What happens if you only had a little bit of alcohol with the coke? Is it not too bad or still kinda bad
 
Welp - I failed myself again. So it’s Day 1. Again…

I see the dates on the calendar when my wife will be away and know it’s gonna be a challenge. This weekend has actually been a focus the past couple of weeks - but GODDAMN are those nonsensical urges strong. Like WTF. Started with 7g Friday (thinking that’ll be good for the weekend), got another ball on Sunday morning and ANOTHER on Monday morning (“worked” from home). Today is the typical day of self loathing, regret, disbelief, etc.

I’ve been going to therapy, but the strategy of assessing +|-consequences isn’t effective since the coca-associated decision process is driven by a massively dis-functional part of my brain.

I feel like I need some knowledge or good strategies to get over the hump of those times when the little coke devil on my shoulder sees opportunity.
 
Tell your wife you've got what feels like the beginning of a gambling problem and hand your finances over to her, cards/accounts etc and get her to give you an allowance for food etc so you can't buy 7gs of coke when she's gone, you're just fighting your brains reward system here.. not severe withdrawal
 
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