Venting Third day fighting to get clean from coke... And I'm angry.

[Puff]

So, I'm determined to get sober from coke. However, my sleep schedule is fucked up, even now, after stopping with the drug: I go to bed 10 PM, but my sleep starts at 1:30 AM and I'm waking up between 4PM-5PM even using a clock to wake me up (I just don't listen or ignore). I'm not using benzos to sleep because I already sleep too much and I have tasks to do and a thesis to finish. My sleep schedule was already bad with the coke, but the other time I tried to get clean, this problem of sleeping to much lasted one day.
Now is 3AM, gave up sleeping. Today I got drunk because my feeling of anger for waking up 5AM and blow 1g (which is a small amount for me). My dinner was vommited (at least my weaknesses is diminishing after getting back to eat) and I feel like shit for not giving enough support to my husband,who is also trying to get clean from opioids, because the mess going on inside me... I feel ugly, hopeless, stupid, empty, sad, lonely.
Looks like my efforts of years were nothing.I'm also so angry with the hard time I always had to do tasks (neurodivergent here, but looking for strategies)
The worst part is that I'm not interested on call a plug to deal with the pain ... Because things will not get better snorting. Nothing will replace the empty or cure the pain inside me... Just inner work (however, I have a thesis to write until may and an important exam next month, so there is no time for this and to keep sleeping 15 hours per day).
Sorry for venting. God, all memories that I wanted to forget are coming since last month, and this gets me angry... I should had punched so many people in the past.
Well, gave up sleeping. Today coffee and matte will be my best friends.
Edit: Also hungry after vomiting my dinner.

 

[Soso78]

Those feelings will pass. U just have to be strong and 100% determined to reach ur goal.
It’s ok to be angry too. Use it.
Be angry with urself
Be angry with ur dealer
Be angry with the whole situation ur in and refuse to continue to do it.
U will get through this if it what u truly want.

 

[Puff]

Those feelings will pass. U just have to be strong and 100% determined to reach ur goal.
It’s ok to be angry too. Use it.
Be angry with urself
Be angry with ur dealer
Be angry with the whole situation ur in and refuse to continue to do it.
U will get through this if it what u truly want.

Thank you! Sorry for the delay. Feeling a little bit better and I could finish my week tasks without blow. It was faster than expected lol

 

[salamandala]

Hmm I wonder how long this battle will last kicking some serious stim action here...well the only choice is to stop or else life will get torn apart even further that won't be pretty but succumbing to a habit is worse than a quick remorseless death I for one get the feeling the consciousness doesn't leave the body so quick without reviewing life before the mind's eye then passing on

Anger is a tiger for me that if not trained and enclosed will turn on me destroying my life from the inside out and it is the number one offender which leads to relapse... resentment is a dubious luxury they say I cannot afford to see the light of a better day however many trudges through this tunnel that pinhole sized beacon may be...haha went to an outpatient called Beacon Center didn't beckon me to any greater light how ironic

 

[domatasu]

Sorry, I had to lol at thread title about being angry from coke withdrawals