Mental Health Thinking about blowing my brains out

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Waffle Sock

Bluelighter
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Feb 20, 2014
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I think about suicide everyday in every moment that I am awake. I do not understand why I don't just do it because I have no fear of anything and I can't think of much that I give a fuck about. The first reason that deterred me is that I don't want my mother to be called by police to identify my mangled corpse with the brains splattered. But then I have devised plans to wrap up my head with some type of covering before I shoot myself so that I wont be an asshole about it. I will do it by the crick so nature would handle the cleanup. I dont know if there is a particular object or idea for my disdain of living, neither do I feel sadness. I simply want everything to stop: eating, shitting, pissing, thinking, hearing, seeing, sleeping -- the cycle. It's quite simple; I just want everything to stop. Closest I came to actually blowing my head off was in 2012. I played Russian roulette ONCE with a snub nosed 357 revolver in my window sill. It was pretty intense. I sometimes think back on that day and think maybe I did kill myself or I should have killed myself. But I had never done the Russian roulette again. Now, I think I'm gonna go ahead and do it soon. I honestly do not see myself surviving to 2016.
 
Don't do it. I've wanted to before... thank GOD (and I am not even religious) I didn't.

It will pass. Be easy on yourself and please get rid of your gun.
 
What's a reason to live?

you might think nobody cares in ur darkest times. but there is always at least one that does. you might not even know who they are. someone will always care about you.
killing yourself may end your pain, but for those that cared? their pain will just begin.

Waffles noone should have to see their son die like that

it might not pass but fuck it that's life. it makes you the person you are and don't try to change it.

i


NSFW:
Tom did a lil song about his m8 killing himself and i dno about posting song lyrics lol but this hits home hard

what's up bro been a long time how you been
I see you round the bend in my memory
now and then and wonder where the hell you went
I miss you brother and wish that we could all hang out again
and just for old times we could maybe crack a couple 12%
and stuff we never got to talk about as men plus a bunch of shit
I should've told you but I held it in and now I feel like if you knew what
I heard you would've never had to do what you did, I should've told you
but I was told a man stands on his own two and never talks about the
hardships that he goes through, so I kept it all inside of my self
and now I think about you every time I tighten my belt
help I'm 'bout to blow, drowning in alcohol
I wish these words will probably show you how
we felt about you bro cause I hate to see your mum cry
no one should have to see their son die
so for this one time I'll be drinking

bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
looking back on your life with some words that I wrote, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
just watching a lifetime burn into smoke, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
I be high in the sky on the surface I'm hoping, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
'cause the good die, young gifted and broke

drinking Woodstock wishing I could stop time
and rewind to find a way to zap you back alive
but why try revive a life that doesn't want to be?
all that I can do is try to understand your honesty
and realise that I never know what you were going through
try appreciate how blessed I was to knowing you
and still I tend to think about the man you
might have grown into if only
you could've broke the chains that were holding you
whats more only twenty minutes before when you were round at Joe's place
knocking on his front door had've waited one more and this'd been undone
and no I never would've had to call 111, wouldn't have been up at the
park like an old drunk bum holding tears talking where we
were when your mum rung sitting on that same park bench where we once hung
trying to chop down that fucking tree that you hung from, drinking

bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
looking back on your life with these words that I wrote, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
just watching a lifetime burn into smoke, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
I be high in the sky on the surface I'm hoping, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
live fast, die, young gifted and broke
drinking bourbon and coke

and we'll be drinking bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
so this one time bro, we drinking bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
it's like the old days you know, drinking
bourbon and coke, bourbon and coke
'cause the good die, young gifted and broke."
 
I agree with zzz101 here, think of the despair you will put the people who love you through. You talk of not wanting your mother to see your mangled corpse, so that shows on some level you are thinking of her feelings. Try to focus on that, by realising how much your death will affect other people it'll show you that your life is worth more than you think. The one time I was suicidal during a psychotic episode, the thing that brought me back from the brink was a phone call out the blue from my Mum. It made me realise I was letting the negative thoughts take over & that there was reason to live. It doesn't matter how small the reason is, just try to find one & hold on to that. In time, things can get better & you will find more reasons to continue.

What is your support network like? Do you have a therapist or psychiatrist? If not, now is the time to seek help. If you feel that you are that close to taking your life, please ring a suicide hotline or better yet, check yourself into a hospital. I assume over the years you have received some form of treatment, but perhaps it's time for a new approach if that is not working. Be assured, there is always hope that things will improve... it might not happen overnight but it really can happen however bleak things may seem.

In the meantime, we are all here for you if you need us. Please hang in there.

PS - as CM25 says, please get rid of your gun, that'll go a long way to removing the temptation to end your life.
 
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I feel ur pain bro, I have similar thoughts and the same thing makes me not do it, my mother. So I just stay toasty and say fuck it, u know? Fuck society, fuck the police, fuck the "humans", fuck the world! But u know what dude, when I really do some critical thinking on committing suicide I come to the conclusion that extremely selfish of me to leave the very few people that have actually helped me and care about me to pick up the pieces. It would be really unfair to leave them to wonder if there was something they could've done to help. I know people who have done it and I felt awful and to this day I still wonder what I could've done differently. I've come to the conclusion that life is what we make it, sure I'm miserable everyday but so are a shitload of other people. Are they stronger than me? I doubt it, but still I wonder. Life is pain so I struggle through, I find some peace with the little things, my kitty helps me a great deal, after all it's my responsibility to take care of him and make his life as awesome as possible. I don't get on well with the "humans" but my mr. Kitty has always been there with me/for me. It would be unfair and quite shitty of me to abandon such a great friend after all the peace and love he has given me. So I do my drugs and chill with my mr kitty and visit my mom at the home and help her when I can, that's my reason to keep going, look deep within and find your reason, I promise if u look deep enough you'll find that reason. Maybe get a pet, cat, dog, parrot, chinchilla or whatever. A companion helps a great deal so give it a shot. After all, what do u got to lose? I'm around if u wanna talk dude, no sugar coating and no bullshit man. We all need some help sometimes and that's what we try to do for one another here at bluelight. I was extremely isolated with my maddening mind and intrusive thoughts before I found bluelight but now I realize that there's millions of people going through the same shit so I know I'm not alone and neither are u. If it's drugs that help u to not wanna end it then fuck it dude just do ur thing, fuck what people think, they don't pay ur bills or deal with ur pain. Find solace in whatever u can bro and roll with that. If u ever wanna chat or whatever dude I'm usually around so just hit me up brother, ur not alone on the sinking ship bro, there's other passengers and maybe if we all work together we can help pull each other outta of the water man. I hope today finds u in better spirits bro, take care and be safe...
 
Grab up all ammo for that gun and chuck it or just give the gun to a friend or hell since it's a cheap revolver chuck it if ya need to. Just chuck it somewhere kids won't find it and don't toss the ammo in the same place.

I've been there man. I have spent a few nights with a loaded 12 Gauge Winchester pump with 0.0 buckshot in it just to get the job done right lying on the table while i sat in front of it thinking of reasons not to kill myself. Thankfully the thought of what i would do to loved ones was enough to make me put the damn gun away. After loosing a close friend recently to a OD it only reaffirms the fact that i made the right choice because loosing a loved one because of anything is a awful experience. Fuck i'm still not over it and i don't expect i will ever be fully over it per se. You just learn to live with it as you haven't got a whole lotta choice in the matter.

Do you have anyone you can just talk about this shit with? I know over the years having a few friends who i could talk to about all this bullshit made more difference then any shrink did. Although i would also strongly recommend seeking professional help as well because if your at the point where you wanna blow your brains out you haven't got alot to loose by actually trying something. Please don't off yourself though. I know it might look like a way out of the shit but the shit eventually passes but blowing your head off is kinda permanent
 
I sometimes think back on that day and think maybe I did kill myself or I should have killed myself. But I had never done the Russian roulette again. Now, I think I'm gonna go ahead and do it soon. I honestly do not see myself surviving to 2016.

I was going to kill myself when I was about 18.. with a kitchen knife to the throat because why not and our guns only shoot potato in England.

If you feel ready to spud yourself, always remember there is at least 1 decision you could make right now that would shuffle the cards and give you something else to do with life. I don't think you can really begin to start living until you've gone to the point of death anyway.. only once we've lost everything are we free to gain everything, or something like that. You're stuck in a deep mood.. go out and get away for a bit, shift the scenery and you'll start to entertain other thoughts.
 
I really hope you find the strength to get through the darkness that you are going through right now.

I've been through some serious depressive episodes myself and it really does feel that there is no hope and that things will not get better.

But honestly, things DO get better... You won't feel like how you're feeling forever even if that's hard to believe right now.

Reach out to whoever you can, cause you are worth it. I'm sure there are people who love you and who will be devastated.

If you're still feeling suicidal please get some help... tell somebody you trust, or go to the ER.

Life can be really crap sometimes but it can also be beautiful, and it is those moments that are worth living for.
 
I really hope you are doing well, I thought about killing myself a while back and then I finally met God. I was never the religious type but it was the best decision I ever made! Please be okay.
 
Whoops I didnt know I responded kuz the other guy did and it moved it to the active thread stream lol. Its very old...
 
Don't kill ya self we love u buddy
Remember how they always say Suicide is a temporary solution to permanent problem! So dont do it dude one day u will deffo be a star.
 
friend, I'm feeling the same way.

feel free to pm me and I'll check my account.

peace out, brother and don't do it. don't do it.
 
^Hope you feel better, thedawn.:(<3

I'm closing this thread as it is very old and each new poster brings it to the forefront again.
 
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