a few that I remember in images and stories from when ii was addicted to benzos and any GABAergic anything's, even IV pure gaba citrate on one dumb night, just burned even though it wasn't a miss , then after a to short to notice rush lit made me sleepy. glad my supportive ones kept me from trying to slam a gram of chloral hydrate to end a 72 hour nigh psychotic purely anxiety educed insomnia trip.
embarrassed myself countless times gin drunk and with a belly full of cubic white little helpers and trying to get off a bench 20 times in a row and failing each time my knees got upright, accidentally smashed a micky of gin right next to the bottle can because my vision was doubled, ended up sleeping on the broken glass and woke up hungover behind a trash can bleeding and smoking 2colts at once limping away from the poor families ho had to pass me on their way to a stadium. bromaz made me drive like a stroke victim on my forklift and nearly lose he job i live for because i never felt like i was fucked up when i was on it, but i didn't know until i got clean that everyone could tell i was intoxicated more often than not. I once fucked up a date with the dearest love of my life when i took so much phenazepam i became so emotional my crush and my boss saw me crying, thank god i was never caught with my preloaded needles and spiked gatorade, I'm lucky like i dont deserve. No I'm sober and in a committed relationship with my on truest love who had to put up with years of my bitter angry junkie cig puffin alcoholic self hating yet ego driven punk ass bitch and support me and fix my a barely survivable benzo+speed IV addiction in senior high. good ol days. (nostalgia to the days of slamming a naively prepared thick yellow shot of speed into my zombie looking under arm in the locker-room so secluded i fucked a dude there like 3 times one year. and feeling like i had been deuced in flaming alcohol for seconds before feeling even out and capable) and never gave up, not even 3 near death ODs and an opioid binge that ended so bad i cant use CBD or THC without getting trauma panic but i dont miss it, I'm now afraid of intoxication but obsessed with stimulants and the control i can achieve and i only use gabaergics time to time with guaranteed humiliation always there to punish me when I start using them for the wrong reasons, but i haven't touched alcohol since i turned 20 and I'm pretty sure if I kept it p id have died by 21.
in my darkest depressive hole in the loneliest coldest northern winter I've experienced, on an iv etizolam bender I remember after three nights of waking up in gravel patches of strange fields and adorned with insulin needles stuck in my arms and not a soul in my life who I felt didn't secretly carry me as a burden junkie drunk who needed to be supervised in public the most memorable is after my first seemingly real relationship ended in apocalyptically bad terms after six years of trust then he cheated on me and admitted he was a fuckin pedo, six year's wasted made me feel so hopeless, relapsed on tianeptine and at some point I took an unmeasured amount of DXM freebase xtals that looked like good meth, and filled up a shotglass of as much bromazepam, ketamine, premazepam, and phenprobamate, i could get dissolved or paste-ified and downed it withought even leaving a note or anything, selfish and regrettable. all i remember is waking up in the snow and calling every crisis line i could, i was heavily addicted to escapism and have since used only usefull or helpful drugs since july lastt year. I'm so happy ichoselife. iregret ever entertaining the thought of an "acidental" OD at 19, but now my life is turning out better than i could hve hoped for and its a miracle i survived that benzo disinhibition enduced suicial behaviour, luckily im a peripheral closest junkie in bumfuck nowhere and only talked to a cop once in my life because i biked into town and he said i needed hi vis gear fornight biking and was polite, i had a ball of dope and 3 points of crank with needles and a pipe and was prety fuckin lucky i just got away with a chat.
