Good to hear fool. You can't let others ruin your life.
In my case my genetics are ruining mine.
But what you've had to deal with is just plain insane.
I guess my vent for the moment is fuck withdrawals.
So sick of being sick. Maybe tomorrow the counseling place I am going to;
as I was told to get a psych appt. will write me benzo's again.
As I've been tapering them as well as my opiates.
It makes it hard to tell which is causing what symptoms.
On the bright side got some phenibut on the way, so that should help if;
I don't end up getting script.
If I don't get scripts I want just gonna go to a diff psych place & try again.
Trying to decide if I wanna stay on Remeron that hospital put me on.
My GP who is tapering me off everything that wasn't cut, is also tapering the Remeron.
As I asked him to, as at 30mg per day was causing nasty side effects.
But at 15mg per day it just makes me sleep a bit longer & lets me eat a fuck ton.
Well kinda forces me to eat a fuck ton. But seeing as I was 90 pounds 3 weeks ago;
I guess it's a good thing. Up to close to 110 now, 125 is ideal when muscular.
But since I'm not muscular at all ATM as way to sick to even do my Physical Therapy.
To much pain to consider trying to turn the lbs I put on into muscle.
Besides with my fucked up back & GI issues not really an option.
But if I get my PM back & can do Physical Therapy again, perhaps
I can turn some into muscle.
It's not really noticeable as I'm not at all fat by any means, but I;
have no intention of letting myself get that way.
So kinda worried that the Remeron will end up getting me that way.
But at the same time it's nice being able to eat & actually enjoy it;
that & actually having the urge to rather than dreading it.
So it's a really hard call. I guess I'll rant about that to.
Such a hard call. If anyone has any input feel free to chime in.
As I'm sure they'd write me script for Remeron 15mg, if not I have;
5 refills on the 30mg's from the hospital that put me on it in first place.
Could just refill those & break in half if I wanted to stay on it.
It doesn't seem to be doing anything anti-depressant wise though.
Just seems to be a sleep aid/appetite stimulant.
Also considering I can no longer smoke cannabis (Pneumonia Complications);
& the bronchoscopy that I needed kinda left my lungs shot.
As well as the feeding tube they put in that I ripped out.
As I have major problems with tubes. Stems from a older experience.
I figure I have PTSD from it actually.
Had a colonoscopy & endoscopy combo & I told all doctors involved;
that I had recently quit opiates & didn't want any in my sedation.
So they would have to increase the dose of Versed by a lot or use;
alternate methods of sedation to put me under.
Especially since I was also on Klonopin prescribed by that hospital at the time;
so they were aware of my tolerance level.
So they go & give me a dose of Versed = or less than my daily Klonopin dose.
Obviously I was wide awake for the procedure.
Nothing like choking on a tube while watching someone cut a piece out of your;
colon on a screen & watching/feeling the blood run down your insides.
Like I said I still have nightmares.
So this last hospital visit, I & also my mother told them no feeding tube.
They put one in anyway, even though I told them bout experience;
& that the second I fell asleep & woke up I'd flip & pull it out.
Well needless to say that's exactly what happened.
So I ended up with more damage for no reason, fucked up my voice box;
as well as my nasal passageways & nose in general.
So lets throw in Fuck stupid doctors to the rant.
I apologize for the length but I'm on a roll, wish I could just flip;
the fuck out & break shit.
This dual withdrawal is a fucking roller coaster that I don't need.
I need to be doing physical therapy, getting rest & getting ready;
to deal with my upcoming specialist appointments.
As I'm likely to need at least 1 surgery if not multiple.
I'm just hoping urology appointment in 2 days doesn't try the;
catheter protocol & goes straight to offering me surgery.
As I have a urethral stricture I found out while in hospital.
But seeing as they catheterized me every 6 hours & I wish;
it would have been more often as god I had to pee.
But no they insisted on 6 hours rather than using a Foley.
For those not in the know, a Foley stays in & just lets you go.
They said it was to big a risk of infection... Yet the nurses as;
I was under a suicide watch so had 24/7 aide watching me;
told me that they had people they took care of outside the hospital;
that had Foley's in for 2 weeks at a time for years without infection.
So doctors where full of shit, just wanted to torture me I think...
I honestly do as I can't figure 3/4's of there logic. I mean fuck;
they drug tested me via blood test almost every day even though;
as I stated I had a 24/7 watch, they couldn't even go to the bathroom.
So how exactly was I going to be doing drugs? Especially since only;
visitor in my whole 3-4 week stay was my mom for fucks sake.
But yet every day at 6am had to wake me up for blood tests &;
looking back on the paperwork or on the net, most included a drug test.
Fucking ridiculous, that was if I even slept due to medication schedules;
& the idiots not knowing how to work the bed controls so the air mattress:
was 150 degrees. Not to conductive to sleeping.
Course I was withdrawing so bad from them cutting off most of my meds;
not like I could sleep regardless. But I digress.
I'm repeating things I've already posted in this thread or others.
Guess it just really impacted me. That & the fact that I might;
not get my Disability because I had cannabis in my system.
As such they labeled me a recreational drug abuser.
That's all the judge kept going on about at my hearing.
It was the stupidest shit I'd ever heard. As the vocational;
(job) expert said I could do 0 jobs & had a 0% chance of working.
Yet my lawyer called today & told me not to get my hopes up;
as the cannabis thing might end up costing me the case.
Even though it was verbally doctor recommended as obviously;
there not gonna put it in writing. I mean hell my GP who was;
writing all my meds, he lied & told me he was PM doc which;
is cool as he stuck his neck out, but now it's biting both of us;
in the ass badly. As he's stuck tapering me & I'm stuck tapering.
But he knew as well as I told him from the start & even though;
I signed a PM contract that said I had to be drug tested;
I was never tested as he was aware I'd fail for cannabis.
When you have undiagnosable GI problems WTF to they expect?
They put it down as IBS as they can't figure out if it's Crohn's;
or IBD or WTF it is, Neurologists at hospital who just talked to me;
& checked test results from other stuff, never tested me directly;
said I probably have major nerve damage & some genetic issues.
But since cannabis is not yet legalized in my state even though;
there's 2 bills currently being voted on, I might lose my only;
chance at having a life. As I need the money to try to get my;
health together & try to deal with my physical problems.
I guess as a side thing I could deal with the mental issues;
that have developed as a result of physical problems & the;
resulting issues such as PTSD.
From that being awake for colonoscopy/endoscopy, from being;
abused as a child, from other fucked up shit as a child;
hell the list goes on. Probably have like 10 things that gave me;
some form of PTSD, not to mention my anxiety issues & I guess;
you could also say major depression since my health has fucked;
up my life & my relationship to where I can't even see my girl;
well basically wife without papers till I get some of these health;
&/or financial, IE. get Disability issues resolved, I'm stuck.
Just sick of being powerless to do anything but suffer & wait.
It's all I've done for 5+ years now & it's just gotten worse.
Ugh I'm rambling way to much, just so fucking pissed today.
But as fool said I guess that's the point of this thread.
To let it all out. I just wanna know if I got my disability.
As even if I can't get my PM/Benzo's back right off;
I can always hustle & the like to get what I need.
As I've done that often enough in the past, but at this;
point I need Disability to be able to do so.
If not I'm just plain stuck & if that's the case I'm out.
Kinda wish people wouldn't have interfered & I coulda;
just called it quits last time as it's been hell instead of help.
But if I don't get my Disability I'm gonna be forced to make;
damn sure no one interferes this time & just go the fuck out.
Again sorry to vent such a long post just getting to my breaking;
point & ready to just call it quits now rather than wait.
As I'm a bit of a realist/pessimist & I kinda expect to not get;
the Disability that I deserve. I mean hell I see people with almost;
no problems with it & I'm fucking housebound & I was denied the first;
time, at least let me get my fucking appeal so I can at least try again.
I mean how much abuse can a person take? I can barely even get a hold;
of my girl/wife on the phone, let alone see her. I get to call again later &;
fucking hope she answers, then attempt to sleep as best I can while in;
withdrawals so no to likely, just to go to a psych appt. that I really don't;
wanna deal with, but I'll do it to try & get my benzo's back.
As I don't mind cutting them back, though I'd prefer to taper at my pace;
as I think my dose was a bit high TBH 2mg Klonopin x3 daily, as well as;
Valium 5mg x3 Daily, & Soma x3 Daily, which might have been a bit much.
But going to 1mg Klonopin x4 daily for a week, then x3 for a week & so on.
That is kinda bullshit as I've been on em for 10+ years.
Ashton Manual recommends 14-28 weeks for 3mg's so I should have 28-56,
to do it safely without risking damage. Doctors don't know shit bout meds.
Anyways I'm done ranting as I've had to re-log like 3 times just this post;
alone so I'm overdoing it even if it is let it all out.
So I guess I'll call that everything though sadly there's so much more.
Thanks for listening to those that do.
I appreciate any feedback that anyone has to offer even if it's just;
a word or 2 of encouragement. As I've said before BL is basically at;
this point my support system. As outside of BL threads, since I don't;
really ever get PM's, I only talk to my girl every few days if that.
Was every day but she's been having mental problems, as she's on;
disability for mental issues herself. So I can understand that;
but other than that all my friends have abandoned me, haven't spoken;
to anyone besides thread posts in 5 days & that was my girl.
Other than her, haven't talked to another human being besides my crazy;
ass mom who drives me nuts that I'm stuck living with ATM in maybe;
hmm 2 1/2 to 3 weeks? I dunno somewhere around there.
Shows you how much people really care when shit gets real you know?
So thanks to those on here that at least give a fuck enough to say a word;
or 2 in the threads I post in. I really appreciate it keeps me going for a little;
longer anyways, trying to make it till I find out if I get that Disability or not.
Again sorry for rambling but I had to get some of that out before I;
just plain lost it & fell apart. And thanks again to those who toss me;
even a word or 2 of encouragement.
It really means a lot. I'll digress & leave it at that.
Rant complete & thanks to those that care enough to reply.
Just occurred to me that might be longest post for someone;
completely sober not on stimulants; just withdrawing.
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
, stuff's aweful is an understatement....