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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

Venting The Vent/Rant Thread Vs. You Silly KnuckleHeads Can Go Fly a Kite!!

Tired of going through the motions day in and day out. Tired of pretending to do my schoolwork, tired of pretending that I think it's even worthwhile. Tired of trying to hide my contempt for so many people I see on a regular basis (none of whom are my friends...closest thing I have to "friends" here are a couple people I do drugs with).

I wish I had more normal friends...but then again a "straight life" of sobriety holds no luster for me. Been there, done that. Lately though I feel like drugs have permanently impacted my ability to think about concepts. I used to excel academically but now I find even doing very basic things, like writing papers, to be very difficult. :( My intelligence was always one thing I thought I had going for me and I feel like it's been taken from me.
 
@BurntO,
Don't put yourself down like this. You can do whatever you want.
Be strong. Start over!
 
I am SO donee with this addiction.... but I know I'm gonna just go end up using today.... and tomorrow.... and probably the next day.

Someone lock me up.
I can't do this. I need to be secluded in the forest away from all my "friends" and away from money. Away from life itself.

I think I just need a real friend.. One that doesnt use drugs. It makes me really sad that all I have in common with the people I talk to is drug use. I'm such a lonely person, but I hate admitting it. I really feel like a bloody reject and drugs are the only way I can make people talk to me without hating me. Not wanting to sound like a 14 year old emo kid from 2008, but I feel so alone. No one I like likes the things I like, and the people that DO like the things I like are people I find boring or too "happy".
I hate cheerful people, they make me sick. Why can't i find someone to make dark art with me and not do drugs together... everyone is so boring. Drugs arent even fun, its just something to do cause theres nothing else to do in this shit town. then you get all caught up in it and it destroys your life. When the helll am i gonna get out of this mess I created myself...
I made the mess I gotta clean it. I fucking hate cleaning.
I need to release all this hate, it's really fueling the fire that is my self-consciousness and addiction...

I need to let go of hate... but I hate to love. Love is shit. everything should just be neutral, but everyons obsessed with this love bullshit, I think its tacky ans stupid.. and that is why I have no friends.. because everyone is all focused on being in love and romantic and im sitting here like "fuck your happiness, that stuff will never make me happy". So how am i supposed to be happy if I dont like to love?
my god this is so complex I just want to crumple it up and burn it.
I wish i wasnt asexual and could just do life the way everyone else does it. Im tired of feeling uncomfortable when people talk to mee the wrong way then get offended when I tell them im not interested. ugh. too much shit to say all at once it probably seemed confusing, but whatever, this post is for me anyway. I really need to let it all out and no doctor or professional, or "friend" or family member is going to be able to help me. I have to do this on my own. I need help but its not going to help, and dont say it wont if i wont let it, cause I know you are right already. Im just stubborn and want to be independent. If i get help, then i feel weak. but im gonna feel weak no matter what i do, and this addiciton is only gonna make me weaker, until i die, and im not ready to die. I dont wanna let people down any more than i already have in this lifetime of 23 years on Earth. 23 is not a good age to die... its a good age to start living. Truly living. I wanna travel the world and make money doing it, and i cant if im shooting pills. Oh lord of music please help me get through these hard times.... I know I could have it way worse but the stress lever is still just as bad as it could be.
It is what it is,
I cant change the past, I can only change the present to affect how the future will turn out, so I really hope and pray that i can make a better decision today and say no.... for the first time in a long time... i just. wanna say "no".. please help me say "no".... please...
 
^You are right that you "have to do it on your own" but that doesn't mean that an intelligent and skilled therapist (the adjectives are important!;)) can't be a world of help. The world uses romantic love like a drug but you don't have to participate in all that marketing. I've been everything from asexual to hypersexual in my life and I believe in listening to your own heart and your own body all the way. Too many ridiculous messages coming in all the time about how to be, how to act, how to live. It's an art to ignore them and carry on honing your skills of listening to your own authentic self. Like any art, it involves constant practice. I know you will get there--and by 'there' I mean where you want to be--so just keep the compass pointed in the right direction and don't hate yourself when you stumble off to the side.<3
 
That's quite an inspiring message, indeed.
Being authentic takes time, experience and sometimes it hurts to be mature.
But that's the only way out.
Unfortunately the years lost to addiction make some of us be a little behind in life,
and growing is not something you do in a hurry.
You can't force it. I wish I get there in time not to be so out of place in my 'mid-late' forty's.:\
 
My arms and legs feel like they are falling off.. I need to wriggle and kick my limbs around just to seek a little bit of comfort.
Gahhhh.
Opiates are no fun to walk away from.. Im 3 days into finding freedom from these shackles and it just seems like it will take forever for me to recover.
Then again.. it is only day 3..
YIKES.
 
I am right behind you trip, day 2, feel like jello.I am not sure if I am posting right yet but I been following threads and stories and feel like I am in right spot. Two days OMFG! I feel like Pav said lock me up oh yeah I kinda am decided to bring my 90y mom home from nursing home after stroke , I live for her now I can't even run to store without someone to sit with her, I hate sunny people I never understand how people can be happy smiley most time I'm struggling
 
I want a God Damn pack of cigarettes. FUcking adderall script with no cigaretes is fucking bullshit.

I need a fucking job but fuck working. Ima crash this bitch into the rocks. Again and again.
 
bonomoopiojo55 said:
I am right behind you trip, day 2, feel like jello.I am not sure if I am posting right yet but I been following threads and stories and feel like I am in right spot. Two days OMFG! I feel like Pav said lock me up oh yeah I kinda am decided to bring my 90y mom home from nursing home after stroke , I live for her now I can't even run to store without someone to sit with her, I hate sunny people I never understand how people can be happy smiley most time I'm struggling
Click to expand...

Great decision! Good to have you mom with you for this, specially at her age.
Good luck!!
 
Well thanks Erik my mom isnt too bad for her age she has this fear of being alone mostly and her speech isn't great so I figured I'll bring her to my place cook her meals and better myself in the mean time. I started reading alot and now I am just working towards staying clean
 
Sure. Keep up with the good work. Sometimes AA or NA meetings tend to help. It does for me.
And stay around. Blue Light makes us stronger :).
 
I'm hoping this time I can make BMT/buprenorphine maintenance work for my honest benefit this time around. When I was on BMT yrs ago, I was younger and more apathetic... nor did I realize what a fucking toll opioids take on one after a half-decade of abuse alongside other drugs. I'm truly just worn out this time, I've worn out many of my resources, I've been kicked out of my parent's place, and I could ramble on and on.
 
Ordering a real pizza online is impossible... its bloody crap.. all that's possible without severe effort is chain BS.. wtf with multiple engines.. total crap.
 
hangyourhead said:
I'm hoping this time I can make BMT/buprenorphine maintenance work for my honest benefit this time around. When I was on BMT yrs ago, I was younger and more apathetic... nor did I realize what a fucking toll opioids take on one after a half-decade of abuse alongside other drugs. I'm truly just worn out this time, I've worn out many of my resources, I've been kicked out of my parent's place, and I could ramble on and on.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry to hear that. I have been through very similar situations in the past. It gets better as we realize what all of this does to us.
 
The more guilt I feel, the more I feel I need to mask the guilt.
The only way I will stop feeling guilty is if I stop masking the feeling of guilt.
It's a vicious cycle.
It's very hard for me to think of positive things to do or say, and when I finally do, they get stepped on and ripped apart by some kind of realist comment that I dwell on until I can escape its echo in my brain.
I understand that not everything in this world is rainbows, glitter and lolipops, especially with the lifestyle I have created for myself, but it is really upsetting when I already have a hard enough time finding a way to the light the darkness, and then my flame gets blown out as soon as I finally manage spark it.
Please, I just want to be happy, and I'm never going to be if I'm always feeling guilty and ashamed with myself. I just want a chance to be able to find my way out of this cave, and it's extremely difficult when my source of light gets extinguished every time I gather the courage and confidence to ignite it.


Basically... I wish my stepdad would at least encourage me when I have a healthy idea, but he always has something negative to say about my thoughts... Im so tired of feeling like im being put down when i trruely, honestly want to quit. He doesnt understand that.. he thinks i put on this act and that i just want to use my family. I dont know what else to say to him anymore so i just let him talk and i try not to have any ideas around him or i will end up feeling ashamed for even having the idea in the first place.
 
^ Don't let your stepdad influence you if he's breaking the chain of your good and healthy ideas.
Nobody should have that power on us. Sometimes people see us based on how they would see themselves.
However, in most cases they haven't gone through our own experiences. So they don't really know what's going to work or not. You should know better.
Don't let those comments put you down.

I can relate to this guilty feeling, it's toxic and it makes us feel bad. But don't give up. Break this vicious cycle. I know it's easier to day but give it a try. Try not to let yourself down because you may be vulnerable. Discard what's not good for you.

Why don't you draft a plan for yourself. The clinic idea was really a good path to start with and I'm sorry it didn't work as you expected. But don't stop trying. You'll figure out what's best for you. Trust on your instincts and don't be afraid to fail.
After all, it's part of the process!!
Wish you good luck and success!! :) <3
 
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