Joey
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2015
- Messages
- 6,801
A Solemn Time I Built What Was Then
I’m not sure how to tell someone when something has gone seriously wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who can actually see me. Who I am. What’s going on. I try so hard to keep a line out to be pulled back at me, at once. But a grotesque mirror flashes back to me before I can even take a breath for you to think. I feel so out of control. I can’t control my body. I can’t control my tone. My mind is full of contradictions, as unimaginable as the snakes I hear above me, talking down. They talk down in the most foolish ways.
But. Since I am actually on my own (…..maybe.. why won’t anyone tell me) for the floaters set as above. I’m always down. Every time I’m in such a state I fall farther down to places. To places like where I’m the last bit of some dark matter, but I’ve been holding onto all humanities shame. Sexual shame even. I’m hearing about a man’s deep seated sexual shame and I’ve got to clean an imaginary spot I can’t find while the entire network of vocal opponents surrounding me are all for my end. But. I don’t want to die.
I’ve always been so afraid of those people. I keep running into them, and into this. It’s mixing up my mind, moods, and memories even - to a place which is hard to keep track of.
I found the spot gone. I already knew I’m not the monster I claim to be at times.
After that I can finally rejoin life. But we, as life? After a full look into every section of my mind, we found that it is actually I who needs to take charge of my life, brainwashing, guilt, impoverishment, instability, meth or no death without meth.. I landed just where I always have. Then I was able to cut the odd ones down to size a bit.
But that was a short reprieve. What to do next from here is ubiquitously in stead - just ahead of what I need. All the time. All the time.
Why oh why does my fight to find that someone I need keep going by and past my mind? All the time.
Lonely.
So Polished To The End
I’m not sure how to tell someone when something has gone seriously wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone who can actually see me. Who I am. What’s going on. I try so hard to keep a line out to be pulled back at me, at once. But a grotesque mirror flashes back to me before I can even take a breath for you to think. I feel so out of control. I can’t control my body. I can’t control my tone. My mind is full of contradictions, as unimaginable as the snakes I hear above me, talking down. They talk down in the most foolish ways.
But. Since I am actually on my own (…..maybe.. why won’t anyone tell me) for the floaters set as above. I’m always down. Every time I’m in such a state I fall farther down to places. To places like where I’m the last bit of some dark matter, but I’ve been holding onto all humanities shame. Sexual shame even. I’m hearing about a man’s deep seated sexual shame and I’ve got to clean an imaginary spot I can’t find while the entire network of vocal opponents surrounding me are all for my end. But. I don’t want to die.
I’ve always been so afraid of those people. I keep running into them, and into this. It’s mixing up my mind, moods, and memories even - to a place which is hard to keep track of.
I found the spot gone. I already knew I’m not the monster I claim to be at times.
After that I can finally rejoin life. But we, as life? After a full look into every section of my mind, we found that it is actually I who needs to take charge of my life, brainwashing, guilt, impoverishment, instability, meth or no death without meth.. I landed just where I always have. Then I was able to cut the odd ones down to size a bit.
But that was a short reprieve. What to do next from here is ubiquitously in stead - just ahead of what I need. All the time. All the time.
Why oh why does my fight to find that someone I need keep going by and past my mind? All the time.
Lonely.