?? ? THE SOCIAL CLUB v. Come Say Hi! ? ??
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Jekyl Anhydride
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As ToothPasteDog mentioned a while back, everyone wants to be a card carrying member of Club Scrofula, and maybe the "Kings Evil" version could be like the American Express Black card that is at the highest echelon of monetary plastic. Down in Long Beach to pick up a key of uncut anything? "Put it on my Kings Evil card"; "did you say a K.E. card? right away sir, would you like the cartel to deliver that for you at no extra charge? Here's your Bentley loaner car right over here sir"
Oh and CFC was the reining champ before you had the BL mafia whacked..
Oh and CFC was the reining champ before you had the BL mafia whacked..
ShroomySatori
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First off thanks to everyone who gave me advice about the panic disorder and a better way of dealing with it than benzo abuse.
I am 17 days clean today and yeah Jekyl cancelling my script was tough because there is no going back now. I also live with chronic pain but I think it will improve over time since I am being highly physically active. Sitting on my meditation cushion with perfect posture while playing guitar for 4 one hour sessions a day is probably going to help strengthen me alone. And yeah... it's not just the supplements, I am eating really healthy too. I honestly feel completely normal, like I did before I started using opiates. I don't have any cravings to use them at all, and my back pain is the same (or improved because I can deal with it after 7 fucking years of this). I am going to try to make it as a guitarist I have been going crazy with the practice, working up a sweat each hour which will definitely help me recover, plus all the music theory and learning.
It is over with that lady friend from before. She sort of bailed on me and moved home 12 hours in time away. I had to deal with that at the same time I went through H withdrawals and it was hell emotionally. We have pretty much stopped talking now. I met someone else while I was on my recent coke binge and she likely would have been a better match, but I fucked that one up too. I am upset with myself as she works in health care and is very attractive and we had like, all the same interests. I was having trouble controlling my emotions because I guess I wasn't over the summer relationship. I am now for sure though. Presenty I am a pissed off jobless dopeless fuck with a little bit of hope, and seeing if I can make it as a guitarist because my skill with that is actually ridiculous. 4 hours a day is like hardcore exercise with the style I play and I have to eat way more food to accomplish that and I'm really pushing myself hard because I know I could be in or start myself a hardcore type band if I actually would dedicate myself to something other than drugs. I've been looking for part time work as well but it's so fucking stupid how hard it is to find when I am willing to work hard.
I'm hanging in there, the coke binge lasted a few days and I rarely do coke and shrugged it off. If I hadn't used coke so much I would have had a date this week though since we were really hitting it off. I'm a real dumbass sometimes and I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. The guitar is really good for that and I almost find it necessary to play that much. My body better adjust quick... my knees are protesting from the daily 4 hours on the meditation cushion but the discomfort fuels my hatred and anger and therefore music. My wrists are kind of messed up too, and my fingers are all blistered as I lost my callouses (I don't play guitar when I am actively using) and I am really not used to focussing that intensely on something for so long that requires initiative, mental acuity, physical endurance and flexibility.
I guess I'm doing okay for 17 days off dope. I don't really care about the number of days. I'm never going back and I doubt things are going to get much better than they are now in terms of who I am. I already feel completely recovered, it's weird. I just have all the same problems I used to have but numbed for a long time. I do believe that I still have an increased pain sensitivity that will diminish over time. I guess messing up relationships isn't that bad because I can learn from that but I'm pretty pissed that things haven't been working out. At least I had that.
I am 17 days clean today and yeah Jekyl cancelling my script was tough because there is no going back now. I also live with chronic pain but I think it will improve over time since I am being highly physically active. Sitting on my meditation cushion with perfect posture while playing guitar for 4 one hour sessions a day is probably going to help strengthen me alone. And yeah... it's not just the supplements, I am eating really healthy too. I honestly feel completely normal, like I did before I started using opiates. I don't have any cravings to use them at all, and my back pain is the same (or improved because I can deal with it after 7 fucking years of this). I am going to try to make it as a guitarist I have been going crazy with the practice, working up a sweat each hour which will definitely help me recover, plus all the music theory and learning.
It is over with that lady friend from before. She sort of bailed on me and moved home 12 hours in time away. I had to deal with that at the same time I went through H withdrawals and it was hell emotionally. We have pretty much stopped talking now. I met someone else while I was on my recent coke binge and she likely would have been a better match, but I fucked that one up too. I am upset with myself as she works in health care and is very attractive and we had like, all the same interests. I was having trouble controlling my emotions because I guess I wasn't over the summer relationship. I am now for sure though. Presenty I am a pissed off jobless dopeless fuck with a little bit of hope, and seeing if I can make it as a guitarist because my skill with that is actually ridiculous. 4 hours a day is like hardcore exercise with the style I play and I have to eat way more food to accomplish that and I'm really pushing myself hard because I know I could be in or start myself a hardcore type band if I actually would dedicate myself to something other than drugs. I've been looking for part time work as well but it's so fucking stupid how hard it is to find when I am willing to work hard.
I'm hanging in there, the coke binge lasted a few days and I rarely do coke and shrugged it off. If I hadn't used coke so much I would have had a date this week though since we were really hitting it off. I'm a real dumbass sometimes and I'm having trouble controlling my emotions. The guitar is really good for that and I almost find it necessary to play that much. My body better adjust quick... my knees are protesting from the daily 4 hours on the meditation cushion but the discomfort fuels my hatred and anger and therefore music. My wrists are kind of messed up too, and my fingers are all blistered as I lost my callouses (I don't play guitar when I am actively using) and I am really not used to focussing that intensely on something for so long that requires initiative, mental acuity, physical endurance and flexibility.
I guess I'm doing okay for 17 days off dope. I don't really care about the number of days. I'm never going back and I doubt things are going to get much better than they are now in terms of who I am. I already feel completely recovered, it's weird. I just have all the same problems I used to have but numbed for a long time. I do believe that I still have an increased pain sensitivity that will diminish over time. I guess messing up relationships isn't that bad because I can learn from that but I'm pretty pissed that things haven't been working out. At least I had that.
keeping
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^ don't beat yourself up Shroomy mate, fucked my own opiate clean-time right out the window these past three weeks -
was even pining it which is something i never normally do.
knocked the shooting on the head and worked myself down to a sensible (if there were such a thing) level.
༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽ you mentioned your knees are playing up from meditation?
i practice a form of TM meditation but i only do that in a chair, i find that any surplus of physical sensation, pain included, would ruin my focus.
and ha if you want your callouses back just take up smoking crack! swear i've practically burnt my fingerprints off - at least now i can join the Men In Black?
\_(ツ)_/
was even pining it which is something i never normally do.
knocked the shooting on the head and worked myself down to a sensible (if there were such a thing) level.
༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽ you mentioned your knees are playing up from meditation?
i practice a form of TM meditation but i only do that in a chair, i find that any surplus of physical sensation, pain included, would ruin my focus.
and ha if you want your callouses back just take up smoking crack! swear i've practically burnt my fingerprints off - at least now i can join the Men In Black?
\_(ツ)_/
ShroomySatori
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I practice guitar on my meditation cushion cross legged for 4 hours a day so my knees are just getting used to that. They start to hurt by the half our mark, but it fuels my playing so I don't really care.
Too funny about the crack. Well I sure like coke a lot more than I thought I did. I'm not really into meditation.
Happy to hear you cut back on your use. I am really beating myself up though. I can't find a fucking part time job it is insane. How am I supposed to function without work. My callouses will grow back quickly, I'm cool with blistering my fingers for now. Then my fretboard has a little blood on it anyway. I can't stop beating myself the fuck up about these ruined relationships and not being able to get a job. Opiates are the last thing on my mind, I haven't had a single craving.
I'm having cravings for cocaine now. I had no idea it could make me that social, where I could rush around like a maniac handing out job applications and actually being able to talk to people I normally wouldn't, like that sexy foreign lady who worked in health care. After we exchanged numbers when I was out and the coke was still working, we had a three hour phone call that was amazing and realized we have so much in common and planned a date too. Then I got obsessed with the coke and lost the opportunity fiending lines, I had to dispose of it because I couldn't stop doing it and now I want more.
Too funny about the crack. Well I sure like coke a lot more than I thought I did. I'm not really into meditation.
Happy to hear you cut back on your use. I am really beating myself up though. I can't find a fucking part time job it is insane. How am I supposed to function without work. My callouses will grow back quickly, I'm cool with blistering my fingers for now. Then my fretboard has a little blood on it anyway. I can't stop beating myself the fuck up about these ruined relationships and not being able to get a job. Opiates are the last thing on my mind, I haven't had a single craving.
I'm having cravings for cocaine now. I had no idea it could make me that social, where I could rush around like a maniac handing out job applications and actually being able to talk to people I normally wouldn't, like that sexy foreign lady who worked in health care. After we exchanged numbers when I was out and the coke was still working, we had a three hour phone call that was amazing and realized we have so much in common and planned a date too. Then I got obsessed with the coke and lost the opportunity fiending lines, I had to dispose of it because I couldn't stop doing it and now I want more.
keeping
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oooh damn mate, sorry to hear about the women and the jobs. and yeah,
sounds like you're really into the cocaine at the moment so def keep away from the crack, its a true liferuiner -
more so emotionally for me than anything else, ruined my relationships with my family because of crack way worse than opiates.
but heyooo it'll get better lets not dwell and beat ourselves up sounds like you're making some positive steps to improvement and happiness, we're not un-redeemable ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
and omg whose duckling is that??? ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
sounds like you're really into the cocaine at the moment so def keep away from the crack, its a true liferuiner -
more so emotionally for me than anything else, ruined my relationships with my family because of crack way worse than opiates.
but heyooo it'll get better lets not dwell and beat ourselves up sounds like you're making some positive steps to improvement and happiness, we're not un-redeemable ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
Welcome back all... and goodnight!
and omg whose duckling is that??? ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽
ShroomySatori
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Yeah, and I got my baclofen script back so I have a gabaB drug to take with my benzos like I wanted before. That should help take the edge off my back pain and help me decrease my benzo use. So it is time for guitar hour #2. I'm trying to create structure in my life and I like that I have committed to 4 hours a day. It's like committing to a workout routine but with my fucked up spine I'd never step foot in a gym again. Plus I turn into a sweaty beast when I play guitar haha it's definitely physically exhausting.
Yeah out of all this shit the failed relationship was the hardest to deal with. It wasn't just me messing up though. I'm trying to find a damn job, I am not really getting into coke, but I also have no money. I've been doing it for like 15 years sparingly. As in the spare little binge when times are tough. I have to be very careful with that stuff though especially since times are very tough these days.
Man, can't deny that I love my snow though. Just makes me social when I otherwise have trouble with that.My brothers just like man don't do coke it's fucked, lol. I guess I'm doing okay, I haven't been clean for long and I'm already dedicating myself to my music! My life just fucking sucks right now, it is hard to live with these errors of ways. I have always had problems and I'm not expecting to be magically cured from quitting dope. It's just a really good choice.
Yeah out of all this shit the failed relationship was the hardest to deal with. It wasn't just me messing up though. I'm trying to find a damn job, I am not really getting into coke, but I also have no money. I've been doing it for like 15 years sparingly. As in the spare little binge when times are tough. I have to be very careful with that stuff though especially since times are very tough these days.
Man, can't deny that I love my snow though. Just makes me social when I otherwise have trouble with that.My brothers just like man don't do coke it's fucked, lol. I guess I'm doing okay, I haven't been clean for long and I'm already dedicating myself to my music! My life just fucking sucks right now, it is hard to live with these errors of ways. I have always had problems and I'm not expecting to be magically cured from quitting dope. It's just a really good choice.
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Shroomy if you live in a big city with a lot of churches and your guitar skills are high, look into that avenue.
I make about $1000 USD a month as a contract musician at churches, playing bass.
Typically it?s going to be a mega-church with a budget that wants high quality they can?t get from volunteer musicians or newer, smaller contemporary churches with money behind them.... that?s where you?ll find them be willing to pay some decent money.
Especially now that you?re clean, but even myself, as a functional addict, can do it. Sure I pop some pills on a Sunday, but nobody knows and I try not to think about what a hypocrite I am by looking at it as a job, and not a spiritual service. (I grew up in church so I know the culture, and I still believe in something... just not sure what exactly. But I?m definitely not on the same spiritual wavelength as the other musicians).
Anyway, long story short, if you?re looking for a way to make money with your music, churches are the most viable way to do it. I definitely make more doing that than I ever did doing bar gigs, etc...
On another note, am I the only one who has apostrophes showing up as question marks, and other weird punctuation errors?
I make about $1000 USD a month as a contract musician at churches, playing bass.
Typically it?s going to be a mega-church with a budget that wants high quality they can?t get from volunteer musicians or newer, smaller contemporary churches with money behind them.... that?s where you?ll find them be willing to pay some decent money.
Especially now that you?re clean, but even myself, as a functional addict, can do it. Sure I pop some pills on a Sunday, but nobody knows and I try not to think about what a hypocrite I am by looking at it as a job, and not a spiritual service. (I grew up in church so I know the culture, and I still believe in something... just not sure what exactly. But I?m definitely not on the same spiritual wavelength as the other musicians).
Anyway, long story short, if you?re looking for a way to make money with your music, churches are the most viable way to do it. I definitely make more doing that than I ever did doing bar gigs, etc...
On another note, am I the only one who has apostrophes showing up as question marks, and other weird punctuation errors?
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keeping
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yeah this is a site-wide problem - earlier BL just went down unexpectedly but the admins got it back up really quick but there's still a little fallout - the punctuation errors being one of them.
how you been anyway man? your job sounds pretty cool - is it at like those mega tent-churches or normal ones?
ShroomySatori
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Thanks for the tip. My brother did that. I'm not practicing so much for money as for passion of music. I'd like to form a hardcore band in about a year's time because it would be epic. In the meantime I wouldn't mind any job that isn't hell on my back.
Don't really understand why I have to suffer so much. Feels like I ruined my life and my mind and wasted my 20's away getting high. Playing catchup is too much. I can't take this shit anymore, maybe a sencha tea will cheer me up because I was too depressed I had to stop my practice midway through. I'd prefer a line of blow but I'm broke. I have NEVER had it this bad in all my life. I never knew such lows existed. I was happy at first but it was only because I was not waking up sick anymore. Now I'm back to my miserable old fucked up self. Total waste of potential, I completely sabotaged it. I should be an engineer with a house and a wife. I have hardly anything left.
Don't really understand why I have to suffer so much. Feels like I ruined my life and my mind and wasted my 20's away getting high. Playing catchup is too much. I can't take this shit anymore, maybe a sencha tea will cheer me up because I was too depressed I had to stop my practice midway through. I'd prefer a line of blow but I'm broke. I have NEVER had it this bad in all my life. I never knew such lows existed. I was happy at first but it was only because I was not waking up sick anymore. Now I'm back to my miserable old fucked up self. Total waste of potential, I completely sabotaged it. I should be an engineer with a house and a wife. I have hardly anything left.
Been good bro. Started a rattle yesterday but went ahead and scored some overpriced pills, since the kratom didn?t take the edge off like it used to. Picked up some more, better, stuff this morning so all is well.
The church gig is just a side job. Extra income. It started out as a small church with big money behind it and I jumped on board as a contract musician. It?s grown a lot since then, from meeting in a school at first, to now having their own building with a 700 seat auditorium used over 4 services. Then I play around at different places depending on where the money is.
My main job is working as a data analyst for a global call center company. I spend all day in spreadsheets and power point. Which suits me perfectly. I eat pills and crank out reports. Living the dream lol.
keeping
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dude don't be so hard on yourself - you have all the time you need!
stop comparing yourself to other people, you've made mistake, you've learnt from them, now move on!
go get that life you want, i'm gonna start quoting cliches now but every journey starts with a single step.
go take that step instead of being trapped in this intolerable nostalgic regret for a past you cannot change.
but you can change your future - you have the time, you have the ability, so use it man. use it or lose it and use drugs - what more can be done
༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽stop being haunted by ghosts of the past Man
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Scrofula
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Jekyl Anhydride said:
Thank you, indeed you are all worthy of my usurious assistance; never has one man been so rich as I could be.
Nah I looked it up and saw it's only CE&P and buried deep in some "announcement" forum. Those folks deserve me in there.
The irony is it's still true that I haven't gone back to any news consumption or my old reading habits. Is that the handicap for posting with trump supporters? Literacy is a tough hurdle for many.
ShroomySatori
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Thanks keeping that cheered me up a bit. I just took a quarter tab of AL-LAD. I used to microdose that stuff for the stimulation / antidepressant effect and maybe it will add something to my guitar playing today. The risky thing is I was using coke not recreationally but as an antidepressant and stimulant from being a burnout. Before it was always recreational. I'll try a little blotter and see what happens.
Dude... I thought my ativan fell out of my pocket while I was out. Instant panic, but I found it luckily after a while of searching. See man this type of emotional instability is what fucked up the date I was supposed to have this week. I'm happy a lot of the time but sometimes I can't handle it and freak.
I can already feel the al-lad doing its thing. I used a lot of psychedelics last time I tried to quit but during acute withdrawal. I wonder if it can help me transition from depressed to functional today. Certainly there will be a shift in consciousness for a while.
Worked like a charm by the way. No more depression, I have too much energy that the guitar is calling to me. I really couldn't sit still and read or type or anything right now for long. The music I'm listening to (my favourite band, Architects) is tripping me out even. I bet this will totally change my playing today. Remarkable, and probably healthier than cocaine.
Dude... I thought my ativan fell out of my pocket while I was out. Instant panic, but I found it luckily after a while of searching. See man this type of emotional instability is what fucked up the date I was supposed to have this week. I'm happy a lot of the time but sometimes I can't handle it and freak.
I can already feel the al-lad doing its thing. I used a lot of psychedelics last time I tried to quit but during acute withdrawal. I wonder if it can help me transition from depressed to functional today. Certainly there will be a shift in consciousness for a while.
Worked like a charm by the way. No more depression, I have too much energy that the guitar is calling to me. I really couldn't sit still and read or type or anything right now for long. The music I'm listening to (my favourite band, Architects) is tripping me out even. I bet this will totally change my playing today. Remarkable, and probably healthier than cocaine.
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^^ Architects? Love that band. Don?t listen to them as much these days but now I?m going to jam them now after writing this post.
Love the Daybreaker album. The first track is killer and then Unbeliever is a beautiful song.
And then the bridge section of Learn to Live off the Here and Now album? OMG
Love the Daybreaker album. The first track is killer and then Unbeliever is a beautiful song.
And then the bridge section of Learn to Live off the Here and Now album? OMG
keeping
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^ bummed me out when the dude swithed to only singing, his screaming was insane.
i was like 15 - 16 when their first album came out and i still listen to it now sometimes... damnn
just wished they could have found a healthy balance of singing and roaring like ADTR but, hey ho ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽ boo
i was like 15 - 16 when their first album came out and i still listen to it now sometimes... damnn
just wished they could have found a healthy balance of singing and roaring like ADTR but, hey ho ༼ ༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ༽ boo
ShroomySatori
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I think they did just exactly that, with a heavy emphasis on the roaring and only occasional singing. Check out their latest.
ShroomySatori
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Yeah, I'm blasting that one right now. I was watching their music videos as I am a little high and the ones I mentioned blew my mind. They are so fast paced sometimes it is hard for me to pay attention to the fast paced imagery unless I'm on acid or something, like now. I don't know how that hit me like that but I'm having revelations. Got a lot of thinking to do my friend if I want to be keeping my life in line.
Hollow Crown is so badass! Forgot to mention that one. I've been listening to more of their newer stuff lately. I feel burnt out a little but I'm gonna force myself to play another couple hours today. I'm glad that the acid seems to have taken care of any secret coke cravings. That stuff is no good.
Hollow Crown is so badass! Forgot to mention that one. I've been listening to more of their newer stuff lately. I feel burnt out a little but I'm gonna force myself to play another couple hours today. I'm glad that the acid seems to have taken care of any secret coke cravings. That stuff is no good.
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