It really isn't fun eh? Panic attacks are one of the worst feelings I have ever felt in my life. I started to get them several times a day, I was always either in a full blown panic attack, or so high strung with anxiety that I couldn't so much as move around, let alone read. When I was panicking I would pace around and wait for the shots to kick in. I would immediately slam shots or chug beers because I simply could not handle that shit, and like I just went through cold turkey H withdrawal without bitching about it very much... those attacks were awful.
I think my anxiety will go down once I see improvement in my life. I was completely lost at the time and my chronic pain was relentless and very stressful. However, those attacks went on for a year and I couldn't handle it anymore because every time my heart felt like it was in a vice grip, like I was about to have a heart attack. I would pace and pace and beg for mercy... I never begged for mercy in opiate withdrawal. The anxiety I have is extreme and eventually I went in to the ER and the psychiatrist there told me to stop taking seroquel and antidepressants and take a milligram of xanax 12 hours apart. They only gave me one script though, I could never get it refilled so I ended up getting like 10 grams of etizolam and making my own 2mg doses. I've been through a lot of trauma not to sound weak but I cannot handle the anxiety; at this point, it's a matter of the best option for me like you say. I do have a long term benzo script now but a small one.
I can function with chronic pain and honestly the anxiety is even still impacting my life much more than having near-constant agony in my thoracic spine. I know benzos don't work long term but I need to stabilize on a strict dosing regime and get on another medication that might help. I am sick and tired of taking these fucking benzos but what can I do when my anxiety is that extreme?
What pissed me off about my last relationship is that I didn't know at first, but she was drunk every time we hung out for the first little while. She had so much extreme social anxiety that she wouldn't even go to dinner and meet my family months down the road. Or meet any of my friends. She was constantly asking me for benzos too... and guess what, I gave her some valium and they sent her home from work because she didn't realize how wrecked she was. I really regret that because ever since she has wanted a script for them and she doesn't need it! I have seen her have one panic attack and I really helped calm her right down. Benzos really shouldn't be used for people who are too nervous to talk to people... that is something CBT could easily fix I bet. And she is dead set on benzos now, I'm so pissed at myself. I'm never ever giving someone an addictive substance again and I had to keep refusing her, but eventually found out she was dipping into my etiz stash. People like to hide their problems and it ends up being a fucking waste of time.
It wasn't all bad, we could relate through it but I am very worried about her getting ahold of benzos. She's going to either way and I know it and I can't do a thing about it because despite showing her sites like benzo buddies she doesn't get that they simply do not work long term, even if they are not abused.
So this new lady I am speaking to is amazing so far. She is a nurse, foreign and beautiful, and has some chronic pain issues as well that we pretty much deal with the same ways (healthy natural ways for me now, no pain meds at all). I am totally up front about my problems when I start to feel an attraction sparking up. My new friend already knows I'm two weeks clean from heroin and that I got way over my head with china white. Like what do I do tell her a month down the road? Then she really opened up to me and we are promising honesty to each other. I need to make sure that she is mentally stable because when I get with someone else mentally ill it can be really passionate, but inevitably unstable.
Funniest thing I've seen in a while, laughed my ass off so hard about this. I don't use any social media well I guess other than this:
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
