This year has been a really, really tough one for me. In June of 2016 my girlfriend died after a previously unknown aneurysm ruptured. She was 19 at the time and while we had only been together for 7 months, she was the first woman I had been sure I was truly in love with. I did not cope with this loss very well and as usual, I turned to drugs to escape my problems. Long story short, I end up violating probation and sentenced to 364 days in county jail.
About two weeks after I was sentenced, I was called to meet with the woman who works in social services at the jail. She tells me that I need to call my Mother. I found this very odd, but after seeing the look on her face, I immediately knew what was happening. My Mother had recently seen her doctor and had been informed she had weeks to live. I don't think I could've felt more hate for myself than I did at that moment. Here I am, when my family needs me most, stuck in jail where I can't do anything at all to help.
There was no way I'd allow myself to not be with my Mother during her last days. So I spoke to my lawyer and an emergent motion for reconsideration of my sentence was filed. A few days later I was in front of a judge and I was resentenced to probation with the stipulation that once my Mother passed and I had attended the funeral, I would return to court to be resentenced to the 364 and finish my time.
This is exactly what occurred. I did not use, as I promised myself that despite all the terrible things I had done in my life, I would manage to not act like the disgusting person that I truly am the remaining time I had left with my Mother. She deserved that much respect at least. The day I was released was the last time my Mother would have the strength to speak coherently. As my sister wouldn't allow me to stay at the house, I spent the days with my Mother and nights getting so drunk I could convincingly act like none of this phased me.
In a bizarre series of events I return to court as agreed, instead of a 364 I get an 18 month prison sentence, only to later have out amended an finish my time in county as should have been.
So here I am, finally home. In probably the best financial position I've ever been in and I don't know what to do with myself. I've moved into a really nice luxury apartment, and I've been trying to distract myself by buying all kinds of things, taking girls out on fancy dates. None of this works. I get dumped, sort of, by girl A, I have girl B telling girl A she's going to stab her to death. I have girl B's boyfriend trying to message me all day talking so out of hand that I'm nearly willing to go right back to jail just so I can beat him so badly that he'll be eating through a straw for months. And then I have girl C constantly messaging girl B terrible things about her and her family. It really couldn't have worked out any worse for someone who didn't lie to any of them about anything and never was with two of them simultaneously.
I'm just a truly disgusting person. I've spent nearly $15,000 in the less than two months I've been home and I have very little to show for it. There's something so wrong with me and I don't know how to change things.
To make it all worse, I've been getting high for a week and now I'm want for even $50 just to get through tomorrow as I can't withdraw for my one account as the bank is closed until Monday.
Why do I always self destruct whenever I have even the smallest chance of doing better with my life?
About two weeks after I was sentenced, I was called to meet with the woman who works in social services at the jail. She tells me that I need to call my Mother. I found this very odd, but after seeing the look on her face, I immediately knew what was happening. My Mother had recently seen her doctor and had been informed she had weeks to live. I don't think I could've felt more hate for myself than I did at that moment. Here I am, when my family needs me most, stuck in jail where I can't do anything at all to help.
There was no way I'd allow myself to not be with my Mother during her last days. So I spoke to my lawyer and an emergent motion for reconsideration of my sentence was filed. A few days later I was in front of a judge and I was resentenced to probation with the stipulation that once my Mother passed and I had attended the funeral, I would return to court to be resentenced to the 364 and finish my time.
This is exactly what occurred. I did not use, as I promised myself that despite all the terrible things I had done in my life, I would manage to not act like the disgusting person that I truly am the remaining time I had left with my Mother. She deserved that much respect at least. The day I was released was the last time my Mother would have the strength to speak coherently. As my sister wouldn't allow me to stay at the house, I spent the days with my Mother and nights getting so drunk I could convincingly act like none of this phased me.
In a bizarre series of events I return to court as agreed, instead of a 364 I get an 18 month prison sentence, only to later have out amended an finish my time in county as should have been.
So here I am, finally home. In probably the best financial position I've ever been in and I don't know what to do with myself. I've moved into a really nice luxury apartment, and I've been trying to distract myself by buying all kinds of things, taking girls out on fancy dates. None of this works. I get dumped, sort of, by girl A, I have girl B telling girl A she's going to stab her to death. I have girl B's boyfriend trying to message me all day talking so out of hand that I'm nearly willing to go right back to jail just so I can beat him so badly that he'll be eating through a straw for months. And then I have girl C constantly messaging girl B terrible things about her and her family. It really couldn't have worked out any worse for someone who didn't lie to any of them about anything and never was with two of them simultaneously.
I'm just a truly disgusting person. I've spent nearly $15,000 in the less than two months I've been home and I have very little to show for it. There's something so wrong with me and I don't know how to change things.
To make it all worse, I've been getting high for a week and now I'm want for even $50 just to get through tomorrow as I can't withdraw for my one account as the bank is closed until Monday.
Why do I always self destruct whenever I have even the smallest chance of doing better with my life?