Relapse the moment right before you mess up!

[Jabberwocky]

y'all ever felt that moment of despair right when u about to be on ur way 2 cop while knowing that you could easily go without it since u have barely any discomfort anymore, yet the thought sounds so alluring and you know that fix will be so damn satisfying after weeks or months of PRETENDING to be ok without it, pretending to actually like your job, or enjoy your retarded hobbies? it what i feel rn. normally a call to my dad might stop it but fuck me if i will be the reason he cries today, no sir. i also tried to start reading another book, but nothing beats the awesome scenery i get to see on my way to cop, plus knowing that the best is about to happen when i get there! aye, all that shits just sad, but writing about it was my last attempt to stop myself. it didnt work.

 

[AbbeyLee]

I feel that despair when I get back from the bottle shop. Reminds me of drinking around my daughter when she was little

Meth is relatively new for me and I just feel excited.

 

[Eligiu]

I feel regret mainly. And I feel a sense of immense self loathing. There's no excitement anymore in terms of the drug. I actually get far more excited picking up clean needles or finding spare ones in my apartment than I do the drugs.

 

[Jabberwocky]

@strangeaeon long time no see! it sounds like you've made a lot of progress and managed to get a period of abstinence. i don't know if its the same for you but i found heroin extremely underwhelming after a long time of abstinence. i've only had 3 lapses since rehab it and didn't do what i wanted on any of those.

what psychological help are you getting? it sounds like you've been white knuckling it, you would benefit from getting some treatment to help deal with the feelings that force you to have to pretend to be ok without it.

 

[Lil'LinaptkSix]

the best is about to happen when i get there!

Or the worse!
After running to a trap with popos and all once a long time ago this is all I think about when attempting to acquire drugs... it does make it that much more relieving when it isnt a trap and I get home or where ever.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel that despair when I get back from the bottle shop. Reminds me of drinking around my daughter when she was little

Meth is relatively new for me and I just feel excited.

I cant even go to a pharmacy without crying, it's really frustrating. Here u can get boxes of rigs really cheap and oh god i cant look at them

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel regret mainly. And I feel a sense of immense self loathing. There's no excitement anymore in terms of the drug. I actually get far more excited picking up clean needles or finding spare ones in my apartment than I do the drugs.

I was just telling this to a friend, that even if i feel disgusted at the thought of the smell of it, id rather do that than feel what im feeling rn without it
My self loathing starts when i push the plunger. Not even fire could cleanse me of the guilt i feel

 

[Jabberwocky]

@strangeaeon long time no see! it sounds like you've made a lot of progress and managed to get a period of abstinence. i don't know if its the same for you but i found heroin extremely underwhelming after a long time of abstinence. i've only had 3 lapses since rehab it and didn't do what i wanted on any of those.

what psychological help are you getting? it sounds like you've been white knuckling it, you would benefit from getting some treatment to help deal with the feelings that force you to have to pretend to be ok without it.

Hi.
Ppl laugh at me when i tell em how i managed to stay off it for as long as i did.
I cant go to see my doctor because he lives next to one of my plugs. Maybe i should just find another one but here its not common, they are hard to find.
Am literally nauseous just thinking about dope, but the anxiety i feel is so extreme and i dont want to end up on antipsychotics.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Or the worse!
After running to a trap with popos and all once a long time ago this is all I think about when attempting to acquire drugs... it does make it that much more relieving when it isnt a trap and I get home or where ever.

Both my plugs have been good friends since before i even knew they sold dope haha i just go to their house an they let me use their bathroom. Only twice have i been arrested for paraphernalia or whatever but it was 200% my fault

 

[AbbeyLee]

I cant even go to a pharmacy without crying, it's really frustrating. Here u can get boxes of rigs really cheap and oh god i cant look at them

Don't even start me on the bottle shops in this country. Ok you already did lol.. I am obsessive about the hypocrisy when it comes to pretty much every psychoactive drug vs alcohol.

Even cigarettes are kept in this filing cabinet thing with exactly the same plain packaging so the staff behind the counter are always hunting for the right thing. Not to mention it's cheaper now for me to smoke meth!!

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I was just telling this to a friend, that even if i feel disgusted at the thought of the smell of it, id rather do that than feel what im feeling rn without it
My self loathing starts when i push the plunger. Not even fire could cleanse me of the guilt i feel

You shouldn't feel self-loathing or guilt or any of that just because you're using drugs. Put the guilt and the shame to where it belongs.

You can and should feel bad about yourself if you've screwed over people who care for you, and that you're supposed to be caring about, in order to keep yourself supplied. If you've stolen from friends, or lied to your family or made people suffer or broken their trust for the sake of your habit. If you need to kick yourself up the arse, kick yourself up the arse for stuff like THAT. But there really is no reason you should feel awful just for the drug - taking in and of ITSELF.

It's not a bad or immoral thing to be using, it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you're weak or morally flawed or deficient or some lower-class human, or whatever similar bullshit some people like to spew about drug users. From your own words in the original post, you're clearly liking it, it's clearly giving you something on some level you feel you can't do without. You need to ask yourself why that is. But in the meantime if you feel you have to have it don't beat yourself up over it, it's obviously fulfilling some function for you.

Keep in mind also that historically, before prohibition, any respectable person could walk into any pharmacy and legally acquire various opium preparations, and later morphine and heroin. Opiate use wasn't criminalised and it wasn't pathologised. And please don't fall into the black and white thinking trap of going, 'oh I broke my period of abstinence, I' ve fucked it all up now, might as well stop giving a toss and go right back to the races '. Too many people do that and it's self-defeating.

I just hope you're being very careful if you're anything like me. My tolerance drops very rapidly whenever I've reduced or cut out and it's a major risk factor.

 

[Jabberwocky]

You shouldn't feel self-loathing or guilt or any of that just because you're using drugs. Put the guilt and the shame to where it belongs.

You can and should feel bad about yourself if you've screwed over people who care for you, and that you're supposed to be caring about, in order to keep yourself supplied. If you've stolen from friends, or lied to your family or made people suffer or broken their trust for the sake of your habit. If you need to kick yourself up the arse, kick yourself up the arse for stuff like THAT. But there really is no reason you should feel awful just for the drug - taking in and of ITSELF.

It's not a bad or immoral thing to be using, it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you're weak or morally flawed or deficient or some lower-class human, or whatever similar bullshit some people like to spew about drug users. From your own words in the original post, you're clearly liking it, it's clearly giving you something on some level you feel you can't do without. You need to ask yourself why that is. But in the meantime if you feel you have to have it don't beat yourself up over it, it's obviously fulfilling some function for you.

Keep in mind also that historically, before prohibition, any respectable person could walk into any pharmacy and legally acquire various opium preparations, and later morphine and heroin. Opiate use wasn't criminalised and it wasn't pathologised. And please don't fall into the black and white thinking trap of going, 'oh I broke my period of abstinence, I' ve fucked it all up now, might as well stop giving a toss and go right back to the races '. Too many people do that and it's self-defeating.

I just hope you're being very careful if you're anything like me. My tolerance drops very rapidly whenever I've reduced or cut out and it's a major risk factor.

Thanks for saying that. It wasnt always that way for me. I used to think using wasnt a big deal, idk what made me change my mind, just one day i started feeling like shit, maybe because of what others think about me. I pay for my own stuff, always have. And i know that people who do wrong to stay supplied always get what they deserve, even seen em die. I have accidentally od'd after periods of abstinence but my tolerance does not drop enough to kill me. I know exactly what it does for me, ive always had some sort or existential dread, or just an irrational fear of life haha and it makes it all go away, its a true relief for me, i can exist and be normal. It went away when i started reading the bible again, but it was already too late, i had been iv'ing for more than 6 years, kind of a place devoid of the presence of god, lol. Things that are supposed to make me feel better just make me feel worse. It really sucks.

 

[Antiprosynthesis]

I was recently some yrs clean but couldnt keep myself from relapsing and my mom Saw me several moments totally stimmed and sleep deprived and she already asked if i was back on drugs but i lied and Just this week i accidently send het a text message meant for a friend in which I mentionned snelle, bruin and Kratom of which snelle en bruin are slang for speed and hash so this confirmed what she already knew and i reAlly feel bad about IT since she already suffered a lot due to my addictions also Friends dont like comming over that much anymore as they mostly want to. Chill and watch European football on tv but they really cant As im constantly stimmed talking obsessively and i felt like i was much happyer before relapsing and that already my life starts spiralling out of control and i only Just started using again the heavy shit is not even CLose and when relapsing i thought i was now able to control my use and avoid the heavy shit but now in back.in my obsession i realize.im Just not capable of avoiding the heavy shit...

 

[Jabberwocky]

I cant go to see my doctor because he lives next to one of my plugs. Maybe i should just find another one but here its not common, they are hard to find.

you don't need to go to your dr to get help. there are a plethora of different types of meetings, NA/SMART etc. you can find a private therapist- literally any smack habit over here costs more than a weekly private session so you should hopefully be able to afford it, not sure prices where you are but think it should be similar. go to your drugs services. there are lots of places to get help that don't involve going to your dr.

I know exactly what it does for me, ive always had some sort or existential dread, or just an irrational fear of life haha and it makes it all go away, its a true relief for me, i can exist and be normal.

i felt like this. and then pretty early into my habit some stuff happened that meant that i truly could not function without heroin cos it dulled my cPTSD. cos of that, i was pretty sure when i went ti rehav that there was no way i was gonna be able to get and stay clean long term. i didn't even know i had ptsd cos heroin masked it so well. anyway, i feel much more normal now i'm not in that type of active addiction any more. cos deep down i knew being a heroin addict wasn't normal, it did get in the way of my functioning- having to arrange everything around being able to use at certain times and make sure i had enough dark.

but conceptualising heroin in that way is not useful if you actually want to quit. its also not accurate. you mentioned above that you've ODd a couple of times, that's not a normal part of existence. you know that. you will find things much easier, and get to a place of accepting abstinence from heroin, if you take a more realistic and nuanced view of its effect on your life.

you'll get to a time where you can cope with seeing where you used to cop or whatever. i used to have to walk past people waiting to score on my way to and from work every single day. it only got to me when i was in a bad place mentally. when i was in a good place, i looked at the people waiting and felt relieved i wasn't among them.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

Thanks for saying that. It wasnt always that way for me. I used to think using wasnt a big deal,

using truly doesn't HAVE to be a 'big deal', unless you're being conditioned that way and telling yourself that.

In fact I believe that one of the major failings of modern-day 'rehab culture' is to indoctrinate hapless troubled people with the concept that
a) you indulge ONE SINGLE TIME and now you've objectively and disastrously 'failed' in your unrealistic mission of total continuous abstinence, and should condemn yourself as hopeless and
b) that one instance of use, by some hypothetical autonomous process, will irresistibly COMPEL you to keep using thereafter.

..
No. I mean just NO.


There is no neurobiological or biochemical process by which ingestion of a certain substance will then physically induce the said individual to keep using that substance. This is not a thing and anyone who proclaims that as science has an agenda, or simply doesn't know what they're talking about.

If you used today, that means you used TODAY. Nothing less and nothing more. Doesn't mean you're somehow condemned or obliged to use the day after as well ; nor the day after THAT. You merely fell off the metaphorical bike. You might fall off a few more times or you might not; neither matters. Just scramble back up onto the saddle and continue to pedal.

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I know exactly what it does for me, ive always had some sort or existential dread, or just an irrational fear of life haha and it makes it all go away, its a true relief for me

That is my experience as well ; I'm diagnosed as autistic and I cannot cope well with ordinary life. Sometimes things and situations upset me profoundly which normal people just shrug off. If your DOC does a job of curtailing that distress you should not feel bad for taking it. Would you feel guilty for taking an anti - allergic to get rid of hayfever -?

It went away when i started reading the bible again, but it was already too late, kind of a place devoid of the presence of god, lol.

PLEASE fucking stop equating your use to being distanced from God, and thinking of checking your use as being close to God. Religion has nothing to do with it. If you think it does then that's because of attitudes you've assimilated about drug use; like it's an inherent failure, and if only you had sufficient spirituality you wouldn't feel like you needed or wanted it etc.

STOP.

We all share the human condition, which is essentially one of suffering and pain. Anything that can help you endure this pain and make you feel better is a good thing. There's no morality attached to wishing to feel better. If there is some kind of god who loves his creation how could he both deliberately subject you to suffering AND subsequently condemn you for any action you took to lessen it. Think a bit here.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is my experience as well ; I'm diagnosed as autistic and I cannot cope well with ordinary life. Sometimes things and situations upset me profoundly which normal people just shrug off. If your DOC does a job of curtailing that distress you should not feel bad for taking it. Would you feel guilty for taking an anti - allergic to get rid of hayfever -?

i agree with everything you've said in this thread apart from this.

a hugely addictive, potentially deadly drug is absolutely not comparable to an OTC medication for allergies.

i agree that @strangeaeon shouldn't feel bad for using. but the sort of equivalence you are hinting at simply does not apply.

if you have similar problems to me due to your autism, you will have been offered drugs by a psychiatrist that can deal with them. in my case this was risperidone, which i don't take. there is literally no medical use for opiates apart from severe pain. if they worked for psychiatric and neurological conditions, they would be prescribed. being autistic put me at far more risk using heroin because i was easy to pick out by addicts as vulnerable and naive when it came to social cues. autistic people do self medicate at a relatively high rate, but it doesn't mean that such self medication is actually beneficial, usually it is massively detrimental.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

I got high again yesterday having gone 26 days. That’s the longest I’ve gone in years. I was so proud of myself for being strong. I had been attending a zoom 24/7 NA meeting every day. I totally feel disappointed in myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just stop for good. This addiction thing lasts forever. I feel like I’m doomed. What’s done is done, though. Today’s a new day.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I got high again yesterday having gone 26 days. That’s the longest I’ve gone in years. I was so proud of myself for being strong. I had been attending a zoom 24/7 NA meeting every day. I totally feel disappointed in myself. I don’t know how I’ll be able to just stop for good. This addiction thing lasts forever. I feel like I’m doomed. What’s done is done, though. Today’s a new day.

you aren't doomed. well done for not using this as an excuse to press the fuckit button. most important thing is not to dwell in the guilt and shame, because addiction feeds off that. you still got your 26 days.

it takes months for your brain to readjust and learn to cope with abstinence. for me it was over 6 months. it was fucking hard but i'm through it now and don't have to do it again. believe it or not, i went an entire year without even wanting heroin once. my life is so much better now and yours can be too. addiction DOES last forever but it doesn't have to dominate your life forever. it takes work though, intensive psychological work. well done on doing the meeting. are you seeing a therapist? are you in touch with your local drugs services?

@The UltimateFixx i deleted your post as off topic and completely inappropriate in the context of this thread and H&R in general. if you want to argue heroin is great then maybe don't do it with people who've had their lives comprehensively ruined by it and who understand that medical science has progressed beyond the time when opiates were prescribed for pretty much anything.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

you aren't doomed. well done for not using this as an excuse to press the fuckit button. most important thing is not to dwell in the guilt and shame, because addiction feeds off that. you still got your 26 days.

it takes months for your brain to readjust and learn to cope with abstinence. for me it was over 6 months. it was fucking hard but i'm through it now and don't have to do it again. believe it or not, i went an entire year without even wanting heroin once. my life is so much better now and yours can be too. addiction DOES last forever but it doesn't have to dominate your life forever. it takes work though, intensive psychological work. well done on doing the meeting. are you seeing a therapist? are you in touch with your local drugs services?

@The UltimateFixx i deleted your post as off topic and completely inappropriate in the context of this thread and H&R in general. if you want to argue heroin is great then maybe don't do it with people who've had their lives comprehensively ruined by it and who understand that medical science has progressed beyond the time when opiates were prescribed for pretty much anything.

Thanks for that. I could easily go on a downward spiral with it as I’ve done so many times before. I’m looking for a new therapist. Haven’t gotten involved with the drug services. Trying to deal with it on my own. I don’t live near family, so they don’t know and only have a couple of friends that I hang out with and it’s never come up. It’s crazy that I’ve been using and living this secret life for 10 years.

6 months! Ahhh It seems impossible. I do find some hope in what you said about going a year not even wanting it! Right now I feel like the wanting will never go away.

Thanks for sharing and and I appreciate your encouragement.

Are you in any type of program that has helped you?