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The Joke Thread
- Thread starter Harry@Piekarnia
- Start date
- Status
wibble
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2007
- Messages
- 5,698
too early? no. wrong nation? yes.
mattnotrik
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2009
- Messages
- 2,867
Here comes the joke police
mattnotrik
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 17, 2009
- Messages
- 2,867
your racism sickens me, leave this forum before i expell you
Chemical Samile
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2010
- Messages
- 350
And the second coolest is the hip replacement guy
parttime crackhead
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 30, 2007
- Messages
- 19,549
How does a madman/legend turn on his TV???
The Raoul Moat Control!
The Raoul Moat Control!
Sadie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 30, 2010
- Messages
- 13,057
In the Aberdeenshire countryside a man enters the local Catholic Church and at confessional says to the Priest, "Faither, it has been one month since my last confession, and I've sinned wi Fannie Reid every wik for i past month."
The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.
Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.
I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for i past twa months."
This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"
"A new quine in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.
The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,
"Is that Fannie Reid?"
The altar boy replies ... ..............
"A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection aff her sheen"
The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.
Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
"Faither, it has been twa months since my last confession.
I have sinned wi Fannie Reid twice a wik for i past twa months."
This time the Priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Reid?"
"A new quine in the neighbourhood, she is affa, affa bonny, she looks a wee bit like Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz" the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the Priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when a beautiful woman looking a little bit like Judy Garland, with a tiny dog a little bit like Toto enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she goes up the aisle, and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is very short, and she is wearing shiny ruby red shoes.
The Priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The Priest turns to the altar boy and asks in a whisper,
"Is that Fannie Reid?"
The altar boy replies ... ..............
"A dinna think so Faither, a think it's jist the reflection aff her sheen"
Sadie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 30, 2010
- Messages
- 13,057
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
Sadie
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- May 30, 2010
- Messages
- 13,057
Tommy Cooper
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent..'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'
Limpet_Chicken
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 6,323
On the national news today:
Islamic fundamentalists have stormed Bradford, in a series of armed uprisings,
news just in, is that they have started going conducting raids on private dwellings, searching through property, and beheading anybody in possession of a british passport.
Police fear the death toll may rise as high as three.
Islamic fundamentalists have stormed Bradford, in a series of armed uprisings,
news just in, is that they have started going conducting raids on private dwellings, searching through property, and beheading anybody in possession of a british passport.
Police fear the death toll may rise as high as three.
That tickled me haha.
Unnecessary additional, hateful comment on an already pretty racist joke removed. No more, please.
Last edited by a moderator:
Limpet_Chicken
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2005
- Messages
- 6,323
What is the easiest way to tell if a politician is telling lies?
Look at his lips and see if they are moving.
What do you throw a drowning policeman if there is no lifejacket available?
His wife and kids.
You have a labour politician, a lib dem candidate, and an american republican voter standing in a room together, what do you call them?
The phone number for Dignitas.
It is widely agreed that by all accounts, george bush is a little bit of a piece of shit, really, but the question is, which bit?
There are three criminals, all wanted for a a string of offenses, one is an englishman, the next a scot, and the last an irishman.
With the pigs hard on their heels, the three leg it to an old barn on a nearby farm, and finding nothing but a few bales of hay, a heap of manure, and three empty canvas grain sacks. Thinking on their feet, each quickly stuffs himself into a sack, just after that, the filth arrive on the scene.
Copper looks around, sees no sign of the three crooks, only the sacks, so he gives each one a good hard kick, the englishman barks and whines, the scottish crim makes a pitiful mewling meowing sound, and the cop feels bad, having just kicked the piss out of a dog and kitten, but has to keep looking for the crooks, so gives the last sack another hard kick, the irishman tries the same tactic as the first two, and shouts 'feckin' potatehs ye cunt' and promptly gets nicked and dragged off in the meat wagon.
Look at his lips and see if they are moving.
What do you throw a drowning policeman if there is no lifejacket available?
His wife and kids.
You have a labour politician, a lib dem candidate, and an american republican voter standing in a room together, what do you call them?
The phone number for Dignitas.
It is widely agreed that by all accounts, george bush is a little bit of a piece of shit, really, but the question is, which bit?
There are three criminals, all wanted for a a string of offenses, one is an englishman, the next a scot, and the last an irishman.
With the pigs hard on their heels, the three leg it to an old barn on a nearby farm, and finding nothing but a few bales of hay, a heap of manure, and three empty canvas grain sacks. Thinking on their feet, each quickly stuffs himself into a sack, just after that, the filth arrive on the scene.
Copper looks around, sees no sign of the three crooks, only the sacks, so he gives each one a good hard kick, the englishman barks and whines, the scottish crim makes a pitiful mewling meowing sound, and the cop feels bad, having just kicked the piss out of a dog and kitten, but has to keep looking for the crooks, so gives the last sack another hard kick, the irishman tries the same tactic as the first two, and shouts 'feckin' potatehs ye cunt' and promptly gets nicked and dragged off in the meat wagon.
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