The Friday Thread - Creating havoc in a cerebellum near you.

[Josh]

Yeah, I always say weed just amplifies whatever emotions I'm feeling. Fine if I'm in a good place, but no help at all when I'm not. To be able to legally grow my own weed and mushrooms would likely satisfy my drug needs in the most part too I reckon though.

Well, I made it to London for brunch with my ostomy crew and it gave me a bit of a boost because I managed a couple of hours chatting to complete strangers, which reminds me that I'm not a total social failure. Only required one xanax bar too so hopefully I wasn't too slurry and incoherent.

Did a deep clean and tidy up of everything which also always makes me feel more relaxed, cleanse the home, cleanse the mind and all that. Went to the shops and bought a couple or days worth of healthy food but also a 5 pack of reduced to clear doughnuts so I've just eaten them instead. Carb loading for run club tomorrow or something - must force myself get out to that.

But now I'm just back to staring into space, or scrolling through the same stories on my Facebook news feed. Don't feel like I can get any pleasure from the things I enjoy at the moment so don't feel like there's much point starting something. Inside (the game) is out on the PC today, the sequel of my all time favourite cult indie art game (the best genre!), Limbo. It looks like it may very well be the most beautiful game I've ever played (and as a game artist by trade this ought to be a big deal for me), but I couldn't motivate myself to play it for more than a few minutes. It meant sitting up and I'd rather be lying down right now.

I've totally stuffed the Friday thread too by wallowing all over it with my own feeble self pity, sorry guise. This too shall pass, I know. It's of little condolence in the moment though.

 

[koneko]

Yeah, I always say weed just amplifies whatever emotions I'm feeling. Fine if I'm in a good place, but no help at all when I'm not. To be able to legally grow my own weed and mushrooms would likely satisfy my drug needs in the most part too I reckon though.

Well, I made it to London for brunch with my ostomy crew and it gave me a bit of a boost because I managed a couple of hours chatting to complete strangers, which reminds me that I'm not a total social failure. Only required one xanax bar too so hopefully I wasn't too slurry and incoherent.

Did a deep clean and tidy up of everything which also always makes me feel more relaxed, cleanse the home, cleanse the mind and all that. Went to the shops and bought a couple or days worth of healthy food but also a 5 pack of reduced to clear doughnuts so I've just eaten them instead. Carb loading for run club tomorrow or something - must force myself get out to that.

But now I'm just back to staring into space, or scrolling through the same stories on my Facebook news feed. Don't feel like I can get any pleasure from the things I enjoy at the moment so don't feel like there's much point starting something. Inside (the game) is out on the PC today, the sequel of my all time favourite cult indie art game (the best genre!), Limbo. It looks like it may very well be the most beautiful game I've ever played (and as a game artist by trade this ought to be a big deal for me), but I couldn't motivate myself to play it for more than a few minutes. It meant sitting up and I'd rather be lying down right now.

I've totally stuffed the Friday thread too by wallowing all over it with my own feeble self pity, sorry guise. This too shall pass, I know. It's of little condolence in the moment though.

I wish I could give you a big hug Josh

You've been through so much and tbh I'm not surprised you are having this downer at this point of your journey. Man you have had more suffering than the average person will ever experience - surely there must be some come down from that? You're expecting a lot from you. Too much maybe. It's going to take time and patience to get you back into things flower.

This is just a phase for you in your recovery and it will pass. Before you know it you will have moved on to something else, maybe a new partner, new lifestyle... it is all out there waiting for you Josh. In the meantime it sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching and reigniting your spirit after all that surgery and illness.

Take it easy and be patient lovely. These things are never in a rush, just heal and do what it takes to be healthy for now. Loads of good advice here, let it sink in and go for it.

You're one of the most amazing spirits I've ever met in eadd Josh - keep on in there

 

[Josh]

Thanks K, it's a weird point in my recovery for me. For quite a while after I realised it was all over - I was actually finally getting better and there weren't going to be any more years of being in and out of hospital, in and out of surgery etc - there was a definite honeymoon period where I was on top of the world. I vowed to make the most of my life, not waste any good days and prove to everyone that I could still do anything. I wasn't going to let anything hold me back. Of course, now I'm back in the real world, reality sets in and I realise that it's not all good times, there is still plenty of shit to deal with. And although I tend not to associate with prejudiced types, there is no denying that I am different now, I have something which a lot of people don't understand, find hard to talk about or are grossed out by. It is isolating at times.

Managed to struggle around 11km in 56mins with club this morning though, prepped myself for an awkward confrontation with the boss but he was actually away at a race and a couple of my favourite members were there so that was nice. Remnants of a cold, smoking too much and the weird things that ketamine does to your lungs made it an ordeal, but I feel quite good now. Just made myself a leek and shiitake mushroom omelette (thanks to the strange array of ingredients in the fridge) which was alright too.

Supposed to be cutting the grass but it's rained a little bit, which I'm going to use as a convenient excuse to stay indoors now.

 

[Urbain]

I'd like to echo what everyone else has said Josh.

Mate, from what you've been through, how you've even coped with it all, and come out the other end with absolute determination - that's something to be massively proud of, and I have the utmost admiration for you.

Wish you all the best man.

 

[Josh]

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone on here who posted supportive words over the last few days. My head has been in total meltdown and I genuinely don't think anyone outside of this community has any idea. I guess that therein lies the key issue, I have absolutely no support in the real world right now, my closest friends are scattered about the country, have enough shit going on in their lives to not need to deal with my repetitive episodes of self centred sadness, for me to not want to trouble them. Since I've been moving about for work every couple of years ever since I finished uni I haven't built up any trusting friendships either at work or in my home life. This was ok when I was in relationships but as a singleton it means I haven't got anywhere to release this bullshit (actually, that also explains why I am a singleton I guess, takes a special kind of person to deal with my crap). Anyway, just gotta make it through this week then I have a week off to spend with my folks and other assorted family members, which I hope will give me a bit of a boost. But I really need to sort out this loneliness issue long term somehow, so I gotta find ways to work on that going forward I think.

Anyway, enough rambling, thanks y'all