Cheers guys. I've forced myself out of the house to go visit randoms off the internet (not from here heh, my stoma buddies on fb) this morning. I'm usually OK once I'm out of the house, just making that first step. And I will try to bite the bullet and go to club tomorrow. Got a 10k at the end of the month that I was planning to break 45mins on, so I need to do some speed training the next few days.
My drug use is an all time low but a full sabbatical is a good plan. Barring a couple of xanax a week on nights I can't sleep or mornings having with strangers, its just my weed consumption I need to manage. I'm not sure the flavoured rollie on the way to work hurts too much (creative job that I can get away with it) but the rest of the time it's the sneaking around you have to do when you live with a toker to hide it. I feel sure that any weed induced anxiety would be eliminated by social acception!
My monthly ketamine binge needs to stop too, can plough through an eighth in a night, such is my tolerance. I'm not experiencing particularly magical holes any more and the fucked up nostrils for days after really get me down. I don't notice any anti depressant qualities or an afterglow in the days after any more. Just more guilt at what I've done. My bladder hasn't been right since the last surgery, where my excised J-pouch was allegedly adhered to it by scar tissue and had to be cut away, it'll undoubtedly need to be replaced with a urostomy at some point (will even up my belly with bags I guess) but I'm naturally trying to make it as long las possible before more surgery. I clearly have an addiction problem here, this has been going on for about 4 years now (after I stopped an initial few months binging on up to 10g a day, but I failed to knock it completely on the head after I realised that was out of hand. But it only takes a few days or weeks for me to see the idea of getting more in as a good one again. And once it's in I have no self control, just keep going til it's gone.
Took 150mg of mdma last night, admittedly on a full stomach, but didn't come up at all. It's stuff that's floored me before but last night nothing. Goes to show how set is everything for these things. Maybe I should stick to more psychey psyches if I want to do some soul searching in future.
