TDS The First Step is The Hardest. But What is it?

[GreenGnome]

Hello All.

I have been on BL for a bit of time now, done my lurking, done my intermittent posting about drug use, stopping and other things. But now here I am for the first time have these words been uttered. I am an Addict. (Well i guess not verbally, but this is the next closest thing)

I have been an opiate user for about four years now. I'm finally realizing that it is having a negative impact on my life. It always made me happy, and gave me insane amounts of energy. I was never the nodding type. I was always a quiet kid, it made me a social superhuman, always tired moped and depressed, it put a smile on my face and the ability to conquer any task. I excelled at work school, everything. Or at least so i thought....

It may have seemed that way, and very well may have been that way in the beginning. But now here i am 24 years of age. I cant finish college, couldn't find a job, (thankfully one of my old internships took me in with the understanding i had a few classes left), still home, still a bum, still an addict...

In the last few weeks I've truly realized that my addiction is the source of all my problems. Personally i feel i always suffered from depression and anxiety since i could remember, but it took college for me to get out and loose myself and i thought i found something that helped. so what was I doing? in my mind i was self medicating. Obviously not the right thing.

I have been in therapy and been seeing a psychiatrist for the passed two years now. As my struggle with school made my depression visible to those around me, and i finally got the help i should have gotten many moons ago. but there's still this little problem... I am an addict...

I am an addict and nobody knows it. Not my girlfriend, mother, friend(s), co-workers, therapist, no one... So here i am on BL, tryiong to make the first step in what i hope is the right direction.

Little bit of history on my abuse. My ex gf in college had a lot of pain management problems. and it was just one of those "here try one of these, you'll fell better" i felt like a million bucks! Little did i know that that is what the cost was when i tried that one little pill. I have since abused opiates for the passed four years. just kept sniffing down every painkiller i could get my hands on. (non acetaminophen of course) i tried H for the first time several months ago, and it made me hate myself. thankfully i have stayed away from the stuff. but i have found connections for pharmaceuticals that make it impossible to get away from. Every day i use. Last week i started a suboxone taper.Probably my 6th or 7th time I've done this. But I pray that this time will be my last.

Today, to top things off, i lost my job. just another pile of crapola to add to the laundry list. So here i am. Living at home with my mother who knows nothing of what is truly going on. I cant graduate school because i have such bad anxiety that developed from my abuse, and i abuse when the times get tough, creating avoidance behavior. So i keep retaking the same classes over and over. And now i have no job to even pay for those classes. I go to an amazing school that has attempted to kick me out several times because i cant pass. But by some miracle i am still there..

I conciser myself very lucky to be where i am in life. I know there are others that would kill for where i am. but if anyone really knew where i truly was. My luck will only last so much longer before it all comes crumbling down, (as if it hasn't already started)


So I have come to you BL. I need help, but i have no one to talk to. i pray for change, but i know i cant do it alone. but putting the burden on my family is the last thing I ever wish to do to them. Thank you to all of you who took the time to read my story and listen. Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated. i most definitely could use a companion on this struggle bus.

Thank you.

 

[herbavore]

You are shouldering a very heavy burden by keeping this secret from everyone that loves you. Yes, it will be difficult for them and their initial reactions may be close to hysteria but if you can A) expect that and ride it through with them and B) establish mutual respect (just because you are an addict does not mean that you are incapable or undeserving of respect), then you can begin to receive very necessary support.

Sometimes you have to let things go and take care of a crisis. People feel that they need to keep all the juggling balls going while they attempt to bandage a wounded hand--not possible. Maybe you could take a leave from school and attend an outpatient rehab. Find one that really teaches you life skills and does not simply focus on the drug dependence alone. Chances are that your parents already suspect something is up. Facing it together can be tough (I've been the mother in this situation ) but the best thing you can do is to get educated together. Families need support and education as much as the person going through recovery.

I'm glad that you are reaching out here for support. It's a good platform for it and I hope it will strengthen you to also seek support IRL through counseling at your university, possibly a rehab and with your family and close allies in your life.