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Social The Dark Side Social Thread v. Darksiders Forever

It seems my weight has stabilized at 175 after training and stuff for a week+ now. I got weights at the apartment (Im homeless and live at my grandmas, which isnt so bad after getting my shit more straight) and walk alot everyday, just alot and then even more some days.

Thanks mate. I ll keep away from that shit we talked about and gotta focus more on the good stuff.
 
I don’t feel like making a thread but I got this issue.

Whenever an uncomfortable memory from my past comes to my mind I feel the need to utter the words “my cock”. I am 100% serious and it seems like a “Tourette’s-like response”. I have also noticed a lot of middle aged women claiming they have Tourette’s syndrome. My theory is these women are not suffering from actual Tourette’s but are instead suffering from PTSD and the random words they shout is an unconscious defense mechanism.

Furthermore, I think benzodiazepines really fucked up my brain. I was way smarter before, and while I was on them. Ever since I came off klonopin I have suffered from hypersensitivity to sound and extreme nervousness around others. Unfortunately I have had so many traumatic events and dealt with prolonged isolation so it’s impossible for me to pinpoint the cause.

Anyway, I hope everyone here is doing alright.
 
So, I was sitting in the community corrections lobby this morning, waiting to see my parole officer for our regular monthly office visit. I'd just left the suboxone clinic minutes before, that rancid melange of artificial orange and ass lingering steadfast on my tongue. In my state of bored tension, a feeling I've found unique to the purgatory of that one particular waiting room, I got the bright idea of googling an opioid strength/dosage comparison chart, curious to see how my government-subsidized habit stacked up against some of the pharmaceutical compounds I previously copped on the street.

Now, I've long been careful to harbor no delusions about it - I'm not clean, I'm not sober, but I'm not committing crimes to buy illegal street drugs, I'm not waking up dope sick every morning, and I'm not risking a probable or eventual likely overdose every time either.

That said, and going into it already knowing that 16mg bupe is a pretty hefty dose, I really could have lived without knowing I still consume the equivalent of 1,280mg of morphine DAILY.

Fuck, I didn't even do that much morphine when I was ON morphine. I topped out at about 600mg a day.

I got a fucking problem, really need to rein that shit in..
 
sigmond said:
Furthermore, I think benzodiazepines really fucked up my brain. I was way smarter before, and while I was on them. Ever since I came off klonopin I have suffered from hypersensitivity to sound and extreme nervousness around others. Unfortunately I have had so many traumatic events and dealt with prolonged isolation so it’s impossible for me to pinpoint the cause.

Anyway, I hope everyone here is doing alright.
Click to expand...
Longterm use of benzodiazepines cause a permanent downregulation of the GABA receptors in the CNS. That's why I'm a bit scared to jump off clonazepam at this point, I've been taking it daily for the past 4 years(2mg at night).
I also feel rebound effects from it like you mentioned but I can't be 100% certain it's just from benzos since I've been a polyaddict and have abused almost every single drug I came across with.
Addiction has brought so much unnecessary trouble and suffering in my life, nevertheless it has also showed me the light, what's good and what's not, mystical experiences, forge the character of who I am today.
Not everything is bad about drugs, but there's a ton of shit I've experienced that I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy.
xx
 
sigmond said:
I don’t feel like making a thread but I got this issue.

Whenever an uncomfortable memory from my past comes to my mind I feel the need to utter the words “my cock”. I am 100% serious and it seems like a “Tourette’s-like response”. I have also noticed a lot of middle aged women claiming they have Tourette’s syndrome. My theory is these women are not suffering from actual Tourette’s but are instead suffering from PTSD and the random words they shout is an unconscious defense mechanism.

Furthermore, I think benzodiazepines really fucked up my brain. I was way smarter before, and while I was on them. Ever since I came off klonopin I have suffered from hypersensitivity to sound and extreme nervousness around others. Unfortunately I have had so many traumatic events and dealt with prolonged isolation so it’s impossible for me to pinpoint the cause.

Anyway, I hope everyone here is doing alright.
Click to expand...
Well shit, you'll definitely have to work on thinking of other things to say lol. But I wish you the best, benzos can royally mess you and your brain up. I've been addicted to pretty much all forms of gaba drugs except for ghb. But you can still heal. The longer time you spend away from them the better it'll get. Maybe take a GABA supplement or L-Tyrosine, something to help produce dopamine in your body a little more naturally and safely.

Getting exercise, essential amino acids, and worrying about things like staying hydrated can help you feel better. Meditation has helped me a lot in the past too. It's tough to get into, but once you do, it's helpful.
 
Psychlone Jack said:
So, I was sitting in the community corrections lobby this morning, waiting to see my parole officer for our regular monthly office visit. I'd just left the suboxone clinic minutes before, that rancid melange of artificial orange and ass lingering steadfast on my tongue. In my state of bored tension, a feeling I've found unique to the purgatory of that one particular waiting room, I got the bright idea of googling an opioid strength/dosage comparison chart, curious to see how my government-subsidized habit stacked up against some of the pharmaceutical compounds I previously copped on the street.

Now, I've long been careful to harbor no delusions about it - I'm not clean, I'm not sober, but I'm not committing crimes to buy illegal street drugs, I'm not waking up dope sick every morning, and I'm not risking a probable or eventual likely overdose every time either.

That said, and going into it already knowing that 16mg bupe is a pretty hefty dose, I really could have lived without knowing I still consume the equivalent of 1,280mg of morphine DAILY.

Fuck, I didn't even do that much morphine when I was ON morphine. I topped out at about 600mg a day.

I got a fucking problem, really need to rein that shit in..
Click to expand...
Yo just saying I was on 16mg Suboxone for quite some time, it fucked my stomach up to the point that I had a bloody bm every time. Luckily I'm now completely off for a month or so now, and haven't touched any kratom in a bit really now either. I can start to feel some of my natural endorphins come back, but still find myself relying on stimulants or other substances to make myself feel better. It's a shitty cycle a lot of us are stuck in, but honestly fuck, that's life. Let's just try to get the most out of it while we can, because I do believe there are ways for addicts to moderate their use. Personally.
 
deficiT said:
Yo just saying I was on 16mg Suboxone for quite some time, it fucked my stomach up to the point that I had a bloody bm every time. Luckily I'm now completely off for a month or so now, and haven't touched any kratom in a bit really now either. I can start to feel some of my natural endorphins come back, but still find myself relying on stimulants or other substances to make myself feel better. It's a shitty cycle a lot of us are stuck in, but honestly fuck, that's life. Let's just try to get the most out of it while we can, because I do believe there are ways for addicts to moderate their use. Personally.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I actually have a doctors appointment tomorrow for this complete and utter loss of appetite I've been experiencing for the last week or so, accompanied by at minimum a low level underlying nausea and sometimes outright vomiting. Not sure if it's the subs or not - sometimes a vomiting bout is triggered by just putting the strip under my tongue, other days I'm fine, but at the same time, when I was in the depths of my heroin addiction, using a ball of China a day, I never got over the nausea, even with a full blown habit as that. So much shit going on with me right now, medically and psychologically, it'll be hard to pin down.

I agree whole fucking heartedly with that last sentence of yours. A common analogy tossed around in the na rooms is a comparison between addiction and diabetes for the argument that it can be managed, though not cured - well, you show me a diabetic who never, ever, EVER indulges in a little sugar, and I'll show you a miserable motherfucker.
 
Psychlone Jack said:
Yeah, I actually have a doctors appointment tomorrow for this complete and utter loss of appetite I've been experiencing for the last week or so, accompanied by at minimum a low level underlying nausea and sometimes outright vomiting. Not sure if it's the subs or not - sometimes a vomiting bout is triggered by just putting the strip under my tongue, other days I'm fine, but at the same time, when I was in the depths of my heroin addiction, using a ball of China a day, I never got over the nausea, even with a full blown habit as that. So much shit going on with me right now, medically and psychologically, it'll be hard to pin down.

I agree whole fucking heartedly with that last sentence of yours. A common analogy tossed around in the na rooms is a comparison between addiction and diabetes for the argument that it can be managed, though not cured - well, you show me a diabetic who never, ever, EVER indulges in a little sugar, and I'll show you a miserable motherfucker.
Click to expand...
If the taste is getting to you that bad you could always ask to switch to an equivalent dose of Zubsolv. I did that, they don't really taste like shit, and they dissolve easier imo. Something to think about.
 
See, I don't think it's the taste, though. Not to say I love it, shit is vile, always will be, but I think on the occasions that had happened it was just the taste setting off an already precarious gastric situation from something else going on inside my body. Hell, just not even a month and a half ago I was diagnosed with dvt's in both my legs, second bout with a circulatory disease and I'm not yet 40... for example. 😜
 
deficiT said:
Hey y'all was going through the Recovery Support Directory and updating some links, realized there wasn't a proper TDS social thread to update. But I did already add the current vent, song, tapering, etc threads to the guide.

Figured I'd start a new one. All posts must follow The Updated TDS Social Guidelines, Bluelight User Agreement, and TDS Forum Guidelines

But I figured this would be a good place for people to check in when they're going through personal problems. Or just another place to bs and update about your struggle with mental health and or recovery. Just a general social thread for TDS.

Hope y'all are doing well and had a good weekend 😊

The prior thread can be found here.
Click to expand...
Just what I needed
 
deficiT said:
Well shit, you'll definitely have to work on thinking of other things to say lol. But I wish you the best, benzos can royally mess you and your brain up. I've been addicted to pretty much all forms of gaba drugs except for ghb. But you can still heal. The longer time you spend away from them the better it'll get. Maybe take a GABA supplement or L-Tyrosine, something to help produce dopamine in your body a little more naturally and safely.

Getting exercise, essential amino acids, and worrying about things like staying hydrated can help you feel better. Meditation has helped me a lot in the past too. It's tough to get into, but once you do, it's helpful.
Click to expand...
I really don’t understand why it’s that phrase but I literally feel the need to say it out loud. It’s infuriating and obviously looks really weird if someone overhears it.

I have been mostly sober, nearly entirely free of pharmaceuticals and hard drugs, for years yet I feel more uncomfortable and worse-off today than I did when I was physically dependent on opioids or benzos. I think the cause has more to do with isolation and trauma. I had many events in a 3 year span that almost killed me.

Im not sure what I can do. I can’t continue to use because my body can’t handle it anymore. However, I am far more miserable today than I was when using.

…

I have tapered from 12mg to 1-2mg of suboxone in a week or 10 days without experiencing significant withdrawal. I understand you’re on a clinic but I would get down to a low dose asap; suboxone withdrawal from 16mg would be hellish. I’m only on 1mg/day and if I go 3 days without subs I basically have to live in the bathroom because I have to puke or shit every 30 minutes. I also cannot get food or much liquid down without it coming right back up.

Only time I got off subs I tapered to like .10 mg and then I was in a rather moderate withdrawal for nearly a month; it’s way worse for me now though because I’ve been on it for three years.
 
Disney putting in "subliminal" (clear) messages of child trafficking in (even the old version) of Pinocchio and not having the sound of freedom released? Gee, I wonder what side is disney on???
 
Almost every mainstream corporation is on that side, schizopath. There was a time I took it upon myself to research everything thats happening and educate myself in the truth but it just leads to me feeling more alienated and depressed than usual.

I've been struggling lately. Just seem to get nothing but a headache from most people I know. No motivation to do anything. Permanently low feeling. Been the same way for a month or two now but it hit a new low this week when I finally realised not one of my mates even has my back.

Despite this I've still managed to keep drug use fairly low. Been sober most days with one night being stoned and had a couple bags h Friday night and found a rock on the floor of my car yesterday morning. It's like even being High doesn't take the edge off my life being utterly directionless or devoid of any meaningful relationships. I have one true friend, but he lives in another country now. My family do try to help since I moved back in but I think mostly they're at a loss of what to do.

Previously in these situations I used exercise as a way to make myself feel better. But since 2 years ago I have swelling on one side of my chest and any heavy weights etc seem to cause alot of pain later. I have tried to get to the bottom of it with ECG/cardiac mri/docs appointments and got nowhere.


Just feeling utterly hopeless today has been the worst so far soon as I opened my eyes I wished i was still asleep. Got up had breakfast and a shower and gone back to bed. Need to pull my head together.
 
Man, no matter what I do the darkness always comes around.
It's manageable and negligible but fuck what the hell....?
Lets just say that I feel my best effort(s) arent good enough for some.
I get that this isnt a "me" thing but I do need some fresh goggles to peer from behind.
The struggle continues: No escaping that event horizon.
=D

poor me
:rolleyes:
 
VERY. I just wouldnt have guessed the effects of low test withdrawals which were like.... benzos didnt help for anxiety, like wtf? This shit intense dawg. VERY VERY helpful though.
 
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