Terrifying shroom trip pls help

[Readyforchange1111]

Hi hope this is ok to post and in right place

I recently had my first psilocybin experience, 5 days ago. 1.5g cubes lemon tek.. im on no medication at all and I’ve just had a bit of depression and anxiety mental health wise.. and despite it being a terrifying trip, I’m not put off and am going back,I know it’s my time to evolve.. there’s one thing bothering me though that I’d like some advice on.
Whilst tripping a deep regret/shame came up, and the message behind it came as ‘you don’t deserve to live kill yourself’
I snapped myself out of it momentarily and anxiety went through the roof that I’d lose control of my physical body and kill myself , or that I’d been possessed, or had something implanted to at some point in the near future kill myself.
I have no plans to btw I’m not suicidal and I don’t want to be ..and I’ve been looking at the trauma that arose and I am starting to forgive myself..

my question is is that a possibility? To become suicidal from another trip ?? If I approach my next trip correctly and safely with a Sober trip sitter out in nature and willing to surrender.. what’s the likelihood that I come round from the trip suicidal..? has anybody had anything like where I’m at atm before..?
Tia xx

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Are you actually suicidal or depressed? Do not trip when you are anxious, depressed, stressed out, etc.

If you do trip again having someone there may help. Some people take benzodiazepines if they have a bad trip.

 

[December Flower]

I think it's positive that the suicidal thoughts scared you

I'm para-schizo and I'm often plagued by thoughts like this out of the blue, but I'm in no means suicidal. It's just thoughts I have little control over. It takes time to master those, and become Sherlock Holmes-ian in the case of the loose screw.

I wouldn't dabble too much with this if I were you. If you're actually suicidal you might find yourself acting on it on a trip. If you're schizophrenic, too, it's the same thing, with the added risk of the schizophrenia breaking out in psychosis.

If you just had a bad trip, you're going to find out soon enough. Try to trip when you're content and happy, never when you're anxious or sad.

 

[deficiT]

Shroom trips can be intense and make you think some pretty wild stuff. I would be careful about tripping again until you've processed your first experience.

Don't forget while tripping that it's all in your head. Any time I've had weird thoughts like that come up while tripping, they eventually go away when I get sober.

Having a friend there with you, or someone you can call that knows whats going on would be really helpful for you.

 

[burn out]

my question is is that a possibility?

That's the wrong question to ask. Of course it's possible. A good rule of thumb is that anything that it's possible to think or feel when not tripping is also possible when tripping, only when tripping it could be intensified by a lot.

Maybe a more interesting question to ask would be why am I so afraid of becoming suicidal? Not saying you shouldn't be afraid of it but if you find yourself very afraid, it might be better to just not trip. There are other things that you can do to heal or grow. One thing that I have found can even have some similar healing effects to those one might find through psilocybin is spending a lot of time in nature. It is way less immediate than mushrooms, but if you keep it up regularly the effects can be more lasting.

One of the downsides to using mushrooms is how they quickly take you into another reality that is in some ways so different from your normal day to day reality, only to wear off and then you find yourself having to go back to work the next day having just had this amazing experience that no one you're interacting with knows about or cares about. It can be very alienating.

 

[TripSitterNZ]

I have been down though trains of suicide on psychedelics. They are not good to entertain and usually means somewhere in your life you are unfulfilled. On mushrooms it can be very hard to change your train of thought compared to psychedelics like LSD. But it still is possible by changing the setting i.e walking into a different and playing different music.

 

[PsychedelicSummer]

A MDMA session, preferably with a therapist or with someone you trust 100%, with a focus on processing your regret/shame issues may be a good idea before returning to psychedelics. Or just some therapy sessions with the same focus.

 

[Ismene2]

Don't take your thoughts while tripping so seriously it's just your mind having fun think about something nice and forget the depressing shit.

 

[JackARoe]

Easier said than done, but in a way I think all thoughts are around, and we have to pick which ones we let in. In order for me to have fun tripping, if a voice in my head said "kill yourself" I would say "take a freaking hike buddy!! in some light hearted way. I've been fucked with on strong tryptamine trips but not in a long time. You really have to direct your thoughts, keep it light and let go of a lot. I remember the story of someone summoning the devil by accident and the devil made the person that summoned him give him one command. The devil would not leave at all unless he got a command. So the guy says "ok, a command. Get Lost". And he got rid of him.

As far as forgiving yourself life really is all about making peace with it. I had an uncle that could not acscept his daugher was lesbian. Total unpeace. Then one day his heart opened and he made peace with it and his life got a lot better. It is important to cut ourselves some slack. None of us are saints. I know we are hardest on outselves.

 

[Readyforchange1111]

Thank you all for your replies so far! So no I’m absolutely not suicidal, Not at all I wouldn’t ever do that I have two children. What I have is a fear of losing control and of becoming suicidal obviously. Throughout my life I’ve avoided drugs etc out of the fear of losing control like if I had too much alcohol I would panic if I felt I was getting so drunk I couldn’t navigate myself about etc. So is it surrendering I need to do? I do have anxiety but it doesn’t feel like it’s chronic all day..just when I worry about feeling rejected or that someone’s upset or angry with me mostly.. so when I’ve been in a stressed state Before just after the loss of my mother. I remember being stood on a balcony and being scared that my brain would malfunction and jump off it.. or I’ve been led in bed and scared that my mind will malfunction and will take over and make me go out and become addicted to heroin or something crazy like that. (I’ve never touched it btw) It’s never an ACTUAL thought to get some heroin or jump off a balcony ... it’s confusing. I don’t think I’m schizophrenic as it’s only ever my own inner voice I hear, I used to be a sex worker and I think I hold regret over that and a lot of shame and there’s some deep wounds of abandonment, rejection, not being good enough .. I’m reading a lot of books on psilocybin now and I want to continue with this way in the future as I feel like it will force me into the art of surrender where I hold myself back so hard... I will absolutely wait before going again and ensure I’m fully prepared.. My plan is to take the same dose again whenever it feels right, with a good very trusted sober friend, out in nature. And have her know my concerns and be ready to talk me through it, she’s helped a lot already by helping me forgive myself for the specific thought that popped up which was me actually doing sex work whilst pregnant therefore putting my unborn child at risk..

My last one, I forgot to mention, I was with my partner who is very narcissistic and feeds the shame of my past by using it against me etc , (Which is another reason I’m doing this, facing the shadow to give me the courage to help heal my co-dependence) and I was at home, he took them too for first time and randomly turned round and called me a demon about an hour into the trip which is where it started goin left..

Thank you so much in advance for any replies.. I really hope someone can offer some kinda insight xxx

 

[Readyforchange1111]

I have been down though trains of suicide on psychedelics. They are not good to entertain and usually means somewhere in your life you are unfulfilled. On mushrooms it can be very hard to change your train of thought compared to psychedelics like LSD. But it still is possible by changing the setting i.e walking into a different and playing different music.

How did you overcome that eventually? Obviously the whole psilocybin experience is to master the art of surrender and face and let go of the darkness within to make space for new syntax etc etc:. But I’m just confused about how to surrender to these thoughts without ‘agreeing’ with them? I microdose now .25 a time and I’m doing a lot more meditation and making real effort to get to the bottom of this. Tbh it has only been since I been with my partner he can be a very evil man and has punished me verbally for my past (from before I even met him) a lot which I feel has built my repressed shame up.. but I just feel like if I can heal this darkness I can finally leave him. I’ve been trying for 3 years to but he knows every trigger . He holds so much control over my thoughts perhaps that’s why I’m so uncomfortable xx

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Do not believe everything you think, especially on psychedelics.

I've definitely had some really nasty bad trips and one time overdosed on 3-ho-pce and was convinced I was going to kill myself. Another I was in the fetal position in the shower for about 5 hours with the water running. Horrid. I've always come out of those trips unscathed, I generally only internalize the good trips and can shrug off the bad ones.

 

[deficiT]

How did you overcome that eventually? Obviously the whole psilocybin experience is to master the art of surrender and face and let go of the darkness within to make space for new syntax etc etc:. But I’m just confused about how to surrender to these thoughts without ‘agreeing’ with them? I microdose now .25 a time and I’m doing a lot more meditation and making real effort to get to the bottom of this. Tbh it has only been since I been with my partner he can be a very evil man and has punished me verbally for my past (from before I even met him) a lot which I feel has built my repressed shame up.. but I just feel like if I can heal this darkness I can finally leave him. I’ve been trying for 3 years to but he knows every trigger . He holds so much control over my thoughts perhaps that’s why I’m so uncomfortable xx

I think you have the right ideas to make progress. Just continue with the meditation and trying to let go of your need to control the universe, and just let the universe happen. It can be really difficult to just let go, but I think it's something a lot of people struggle with.

And in regards to your relationship, if it's really that toxic I would definitely focus on doing whatever you can to leave it. I'm going through a breakup now too, and it's a breath of fresh air to be able to get away from all the toxicity that built up in my relationship. It's not easy at points, but ultimately it's for the best.

 

[deficiT]

Do not believe everything you think, especially on psychedelics.

I've definitely had some really nasty bad trips and one time overdosed on 3-ho-pce and was convinced I was going to kill myself. Another I was in the fetal position in the shower for about 5 hours with the water running. Horrid. I've always come out of those trips unscathed, I generally only internalize the good trips and can shrug off the bad ones.

I had a terrible trip on a shitty batch of 3hopcp. There was basically people in the TV chanting at me, and I felt I was very close to death. It was terrifying and confusing.

 

[December Flower]

Thank you all for your replies so far! So no I’m absolutely not suicidal, Not at all I wouldn’t ever do that I have two children. What I have is a fear of losing control and of becoming suicidal obviously. Throughout my life I’ve avoided drugs etc out of the fear of losing control like if I had too much alcohol I would panic if I felt I was getting so drunk I couldn’t navigate myself about etc. So is it surrendering I need to do? I do have anxiety but it doesn’t feel like it’s chronic all day..just when I worry about feeling rejected or that someone’s upset or angry with me mostly.. so when I’ve been in a stressed state Before just after the loss of my mother. I remember being stood on a balcony and being scared that my brain would malfunction and jump off it.. or I’ve been led in bed and scared that my mind will malfunction and will take over and make me go out and become addicted to heroin or something crazy like that. (I’ve never touched it btw) It’s never an ACTUAL thought to get some heroin or jump off a balcony ... it’s confusing. I don’t think I’m schizophrenic as it’s only ever my own inner voice I hear, I used to be a sex worker and I think I hold regret over that and a lot of shame and there’s some deep wounds of abandonment, rejection, not being good enough .. I’m reading a lot of books on psilocybin now and I want to continue with this way in the future as I feel like it will force me into the art of surrender where I hold myself back so hard... I will absolutely wait before going again and ensure I’m fully prepared.. My plan is to take the same dose again whenever it feels right, with a good very trusted sober friend, out in nature. And have her know my concerns and be ready to talk me through it, she’s helped a lot already by helping me forgive myself for the specific thought that popped up which was me actually doing sex work whilst pregnant therefore putting my unborn child at risk..

My last one, I forgot to mention, I was with my partner who is very narcissistic and feeds the shame of my past by using it against me etc , (Which is another reason I’m doing this, facing the shadow to give me the courage to help heal my co-dependence) and I was at home, he took them too for first time and randomly turned round and called me a demon about an hour into the trip which is where it started goin left..

Thank you so much in advance for any replies.. I really hope someone can offer some kinda insight xxx

I think I have a better understanding now, thanks.
You're afraid to lose control, that's why you had these thoughts on the trip. Trips, for me, manifest my angst if I'm feeling anxious; and my happiness if I'm feeling good. You had your first experience with psychedelics, and from said experience became afraid of losing control over yourself, that's pretty normal for someone in your position. You have responsibilities, and if I may assume, everyone you hold dear would be crushed if something happened to you.

Schizophrenia doesn't necessarily mean you hear voices. Some do hear voices, some see things, it's more or less defined by the thought patterns. Sometimes feels like there's something in you that wants you to fail, or wants to scare the shit out of you, or annoy you, at least that's my personal experience.

Remember, you are in control, never the drugs.
You're not taking opioids here, or benzos, or crack cocaine, which have a strong addiction rate.
However, Psychedelics might give you the idea to do some impulsive shit, but you would still have to act on those ideas yourself.

 

[Readyforchange1111]

You guys are awesome!! Yes I had the chanting off the tv it was in am a creator I am a creator... I am HEROIN’ I shat myself and jumped straight up, also every atom Within my space was telling me to get TF away from him ASAP and go upstairs and I did. I felt mildly better for being out of the room he was in at the time.. I was looking in the bathroom mirror and I looked BEAUTIFUL. The min he walked in and was in view my face turned into that of an old ugly witch.. the shrooms were telling me to get away from
Him. I know deep down that’s what I gotta do to thrive but I am not quite there and able to let go yet.
one other thing.. When led alone In the dark I saw a big light blue wall, with lots of black cracks in, I felt a massive pressure like I was pushing against something or resisting or that the wall was being compressed I was holding my breath and eventually I either in or exhaled and cried so hard and saw the whole wall shatter.. any ideas wtf that was.. I started coming down after that.. I know I really really disrespected them mushrooms and will absolutely educate myself fully before I go again... wow lol. Tbh though as the days have progressed I’ve had lots of little epiphanies and ‘aha’ moments.. I suppose with it being less than a week ago and my first one I’m still ‘in’ the experience to an extent

 

[Readyforchange1111]

I think I have a better understanding now, thanks.
You're afraid to lose control, that's why you had these thoughts on the trip. Trips, for me, manifest my angst if I'm feeling anxious; and my happiness if I'm feeling good. You had your first experience with psychedelics, and from said experience became afraid of losing control over yourself, that's pretty normal for someone in your position. You have responsibilities, and if I may assume, everyone you hold dear would be crushed if something happened to you.

Schizophrenia doesn't necessarily mean you hear voices. Some do hear voices, some see things, it's more or less defined by the thought patterns. Sometimes feels like there's something in you that wants you to fail, or wants to scare the shit out of you, or annoy you, at least that's my personal experience.

Remember, you are in control, never the drugs.
You're not taking opioids here, or benzos, or crack cocaine, which have a strong addiction rate.
However, Psychedelics might give you the idea to do some impulsive shit, but you would still have to act on those ideas yourself.

Ok so I’ve now been googling schizophrenia and paranoid schizophrenia and I’m scared I’m gona give myself that now no I don’t know atm, i did have a long stint with regular cocaine Use last year .. but I’m fully out of that now . Maybe I’ve just fried my brain with all the overthinking or maybe I am just an actual para schizophrenic of some kind Or maybe .. I just need to open up the the darkness and as McKenna said..open up And sing into it in a safe environment not hide from it..

 

[TripSitterNZ]

How did you overcome that eventually? Obviously the whole psilocybin experience is to master the art of surrender and face and let go of the darkness within to make space for new syntax etc etc:. But I’m just confused about how to surrender to these thoughts without ‘agreeing’ with them? I microdose now .25 a time and I’m doing a lot more meditation and making real effort to get to the bottom of this. Tbh it has only been since I been with my partner he can be a very evil man and has punished me verbally for my past (from before I even met him) a lot which I feel has built my repressed shame up.. but I just feel like if I can heal this darkness I can finally leave him. I’ve been trying for 3 years to but he knows every trigger . He holds so much control over my thoughts perhaps that’s why I’m so uncomfortable xx

I have a very good playlist for getting out of dark trips plus alot of experince with heavy dose psychedelic trips. So i can surrender more but i went through some series of very dark trips in bad times in my life.

You need to leave your partner i know its easier said than done try find a womens refugee support group for leaving violent relationships and try escape or even court / police action.

I would not try trip to often while in this relationship. I hope things work out for you and you manage to do whats best for your wellbeing and life take care.

 

[Zephyn]

There are some free online peer psychedelic integration groups I've seen that at least used to meet regularly. Really dig that idea