Taking a break; does it work?

[wizzlethef]

So, I'm a new bluelighter, and I posted a couple days back about the issues my girlfriend and I were having. Just some background; I had a car accident end of may, and only got released from hospital first of September. I am not mangled, just have a (temporary, until November 25) squint, and some (temporary) minor hearing loss in my right ear. I can walk, run, cycle, and swim, and am not physically damaged in any respect.

Anyway, my girlfriend and I haven't had sex or been intimate from the accident, and we'd spoken about this. She said she effectively didn't have a boyfriend whilst I was in intensive care, and things haven't been the same after the accident. I have told her about feelings of resentment, and my fear that she lost attraction to me after the accident, and agreed to keep hooking up as minimal as possible for now. I was worried she may have cheated on me, but even after letting her know of my understanding of looking elsewhere - and my surprise that she hadn't - she felt it would still have been a betrayal to do this. After continually trying, I told her today that we should wait until her exams are over - in a months time - before resuming dating again.

I am under no doubt that she still loves me - we have dated for 2 years - and that her feelings still exist, she just doesn't feel comfortable with me physically right now. I was advised on another thread to lay off and wait for her to express her attraction to me physically. She also said she felt like I was trying too hard, and that the pressure of the relationship effectively going back to normal after 4 months of rehabilitation and recovery was too much for her, and although she really wanted to do something with me, she felt like she couldn't be the same with me after the accident, and it was too much too quickly for it to return to normalcy. I was tired of being rejected and feeling unwanted, so I suggested we not talk to or see each other until her (exceedingly stressful) final exams for this year were over, about a month from now. She doesn't have a car, and is someone who over-estimates the need for study and preparation (has always been), so we wouldn't have been able to see one another much at all over the exams.

What I want to know is whether or not being apart from one another for this time can help rekindle the relationship to a point. If it does not, we break up and go our separate ways. Any and all advice would be helpful, especially from women who empathize with her point of view; men can often conclude (sometimes in error) that cheating must be at play, an issue I myself had suspected until she even refused any wrongdoing had happened without fear of punishment on my part.

 

[GoodGrlGoneBad]

It's possible that she is uncomfortable for any number of reasons.

It could be she realized she almost lost you in an accident and it has completely freaked her out and now she wants to take it slow getting back to normal. After dating my boyfriend (and living with him) for seven years, he hit a deer while riding his motorcycle, broke several bones, and was in an upper body cast for several months. It was hell on both of us, but it was nearly a year later and I would sometimes burst into tears thinking that I'd almost lost him. The thought crossed my mind that if I didn't care for him so much (i.e. we broke up) that I couldn't hurt so much. Think of her withdrawal as a defense mechanism.

Another alternative is that she was forced to find other avenues of entertaining herself (not necessarily sex, but studying, time with friends, etc.) while you were recovering and now isn't sure how to bring her life back into balance. You say she's a little OCD, so she has likely developed a scheduled routine that now needs to be adjusted again. You may not realize how difficult it is for control freaks to adjust their routines. Again, my boyfriend travels for work and is gone 50% of the time. When he has off for any length of time (recently 7 months for an extended paid leave), it drove me up the wall and I ended up telling him to take a trip to see his parents for a couple weeks so I could have some space. Maybe she just needs to slowly work you back into her routine.

A third option is that she really did find someone else and is now wondering how long to let you recover before pulling the plug on your relationship. She doesn't want to keep dating you, but she doesn't want to be the bitch who kicks you when you're down. In my opinion as a female, those are the only three options.

 

[wizzlethef]

Well, she basically pointed out that when we hang out we don't connect as well, and she feels that there's too much pressure to do things with me. The plan is just to not see her for a month, and when we see each other again, to try and start over a little bit. The greatest motivating factor would be that the break can result in there not being this pressure on her, or we feel fine, and appreciate the break, and it makes going into a break up easier for the both of us.

 

[double ewe]

i was in a similar situation several times during a previous relationship. for whatever reason, the attraction dwindled, we eventually broke up, and then later got back together. but before we got back together, we would end up dating other people, getting jealous, and kind of screwing those people over. we also hurt each other a lot during those breaks, and as time went by the nastiness accumulated. towards the end, our relationship was defined as much by the crappy things we'd done out of jealousy as by our attraction to each other. so it's definitely possible, but it can require a lot more time, effort and drama than you'd expect, and you run the risk of getting stuck in a vicious and unpleasant cycle.

 

[LadyElaine]

My husband and I were constantly at each other's throats. I moved out. We see each other only on the weekends. We haven't had a fight since I moved out. Taking a break is certainly saving my marriage.

 

[pokepoke420]

Don't talk for a few days. That is the best advice I was given, and is pretty effective. If she really misses you, she'll come back.

 

[Gratuitous Grace]

I'm really sorry to hear about your accident. But, it sounds like you're about recovered. Good job.

I've gotta tell you, I really don't understand this at all ---v

She said she effectively didn't have a boyfriend whilst I was in intensive care, and things haven't been the same after the accident.

I know you're looking for a slightly different angle on this, but I can't get over the lack of being-there-for-you. I was in similar circumstances all summer. My partner had a skydiving accident at the end of April, broke a few vertebrae, and was in a torso brace until August. Like you, I guess, death was a near miss. Anyway, this person was obviously super-fragile during that time, and sex was absolutely out of the question. Sure, it was frustrating. But, I mean, come on! What do you do when your lover is helpless? You wait on that person morning, noon, and night. That was totally obvious to me. I had more of a partner than ever when in intensive care, staying in the hospital, and trapped on the couch depending on me. We spent entire days together -- as I had to do absolutely everything. We've never been so close, and that was a total joy. I actually miss it. (Not the being in pain and incapacitated part, obviously.) And of course our sex life resumed when the cast/brace came off.

Maybe this is a really inconsiderate thing to post ... IDK. I don't mean for it to be -- just sharing my own very similar experience. Anyway, I truly don't get it. And I don't think I can even consider the question you're asking until I understand more. Maybe someone else is more on your wavelength. What in the world is keeping things from returning to normal? She should be ecstatic to have you back -- not to mention alive -- and making the very most of it.

 

[Foreigner]

I've found that taking a break can help if you feel like you're too intertwined with the person or situation to really figure out where you stand. Distance can renew or destroy relationships, and both are valid. All I know is that if you feel so close to each other that you're confused about what's best, then distance can help for gaining perspective.