My wife is going through the same: She has actually had to have counselling to learn how to deal with me. And that really isn't uncommon.
I can only repeat what I have said to my therapists and recovery workers and what they have told me:
First and foremost he is probably feeling tremendous guilt. I am still struggling with this. It's very likely he is getting thoughts like "I do not deserve her. I have ruined everything between us." and it's likely he has thoughts spinning around his head thinking of happier times before he was addicted - and the weird part is that those happy memories actually bring tremendous suffering because he feels like he does not deserve them because he's become an addict.
Well, all those thoughts and feelings are actually a form of mental self-harm: He is figuratively beating himself with a stick, mentally, because he feels like he deserves to be punished.
I get this feeling from your later posts when you get angry for him for lying about his use and he goes away and goes and scores more heroin - first thing to remember about this is that you have every right to be angry and not enable him, but it's also important to remember this behaviour comes from intense feelings of guilt and low self-worth but on the positive side also does really show he cares about you very much still.
Guilt and feelings of low self-worth and feelings you need to be punished are very common, even though they are illogical and ultimately self-destructive. Getting over this guilt unfortunately does take time, patience and effort. Someone already said patience is really important and yes, it really is. But the very fact you have gone to the lengths to start a profile here and post about this shows to me your relationship is strong
You wouldn't be here if you didn't love him and he wouldn't feel so guilt ridden if he didn't love you. So take that as a huge positive. My wife is going to see a counselor at my outpatient rehab every 2 weeks and she said it's been absolutely amazing for her. I don't know if this an option for you but i'd really recommend you give it a go. But each to their own of course.
You have to take care of yourself during this period too. You are no good to him or anyone if you let yourself get depressed about this too and he will drag himself down with you.
In terms of what you can do: My wife just appreciates the fact I am trying everything I am offered through my treatment. I am working (we are both self-employed which is a huge help) as much as I can but i'm only running at maybe 25% of my capacity. She is fine with that and has taken the work on for me. After all, I would do the same when she gets sick.
She sometimes walks me to my appointments. We spend at least 2 hours quality time together a day, like watching shows we like in the evening, or sometimes just actually sitting down and chatting (it's amazing how many people don't do this - just brew some tea and talk to each other): Whatever it is, just make sure you are connecting.
On the flipside, actually spending some time apart can be very healthy too. My wife is going back to Canada to visit her friends and family, for 3 months: She deserves it after everything we have been through the past year. I am sad and anxious about spending 3 months apart, but it's really not that bad: Military families have to deal with it and most do perfectly fine for even longer periods! It may sound negative that you want some time to be apart, but it's not - in every relationship you need time apart. And in this situation it can be really beneficial for both parties: He can focus on his recovery, and you can focus on you and get some downtime. Your life does not have to stop because of him, and nor should it. That is not being selfish, it is being sensible and mature to the situation.
Hope this helps in some way.
F'loki
