Suicide Ideation/Attempt from Acute polydrug use

[nznity]

Hey,
So I wanna ask if someone has been through the same shit as me. When I was 20 yo, during a 3-4 month period I was shooting speedballs like mad crazy. I nearly killed myself in the process( I'm around 6" and I was weighing 110 pounds) so they took me to rehab involuntarily and saved my life before one more shot of coke stopped my body from working. I spent 9 months in rehab but still had a fascination with injecting both morphine and cocaine, I'd abstain from iving coke as much as I could cause it was too damaging though. Until a day I bought a 5 gram bag and that day I finished it all with a friend but something happened to me when I did 2 shots back to back, got a massive ringer and got super paranoid. For some reason the coke was so intense, it wasn't fun anymore and I thought like I had to escape from when I was or I had to die. My family opened my room and I jumped out of my 2nd floor, needless to sa, I ended in rehab again...another 9 months to meditate.Since then something fuckimg clicked in my brain, rewired it and every time I've done iv coke after that....I GET PARANOID AS FUCK AND I WANNA KILL MYSELF.
It was fucking insane, I kept coming back for that retarded rush and always ended badly(slashing my wrists, I trashed my room twice, broke my window with a chair and slashed myself with broken glass..) so I'm terrified to ever inject myself with cocaine, it was only fun for a bit then just pure paranoia and misery.
Now, the thing is I'm not Normally a suicidal person but when I do that shit I can only think of death, it's like it possesses me and I have no control whatsoever. End up always badly splashing shit all over my loved ones.
I wanna know if anyone has experienced something similar with stims. I've met 3 ppl in rehab with lots of cuts in their arms so I'm not crazy as I think I am but I wanna know how recurrent this is.
Thx in Advance
Your lovely 3rd world bluelighter,
nico xx

 

[Mysterie]

i hope this doesn't sound insensitive but,
do you want to die?
that isn't me saying i will do it for you, but just my curiosity.
i haven't been through what you have been through, sounds like a rough set of cards from here. you seem pretty strong though.

 

[nznity]

i hope this doesn't sound insensitive but,
do you want to die?
that isn't me saying i will do it for you, but just my curiosity.
i haven't been through what you have been through, sounds like a rough set of cards from here. you seem pretty strong though.

No, that's the thing. I've been seen by shrinks and they've diagnosed me with Borderline and mild depression but I've never fucking cut myself or tried/NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT harming myself when I'm lucid. Btw, not even on crack this happens, I can smoke crack or cocaine paste here in peru all night and be chill. It's exclusive to IV cocaine(btw I was doing lots of morphine and I might have been wding on a few ocassions I cut myself) so I don't really know. I'm a fucjing beast btw, since coke is so cheap here and I'm a fucjing monster I was doing 0.2 shots right from the stsrt of some outstanding yay, I've had 2 grand mal seizures and God damn 1 mini stroke from it.

 

[Mysterie]

you know yourself best bro.
try make the best of it as you can, i'm here if you need to vent anytime

 

[nznity]

you know yourself best bro.
try make the best of it as you can, i'm here if you need to vent anytime

Yeah I think the excess of it doesn't suit me well and I'm already conditioned to get extreme paranoid from all the stuff I've done in the past. Thx for the offer brother, really appreciate the love ❤