Suicide and the Thought Not To.

[Demetre]

"Death to death"

To write something down is much easier to do than doing said written something. To even write that something is harder than thinking it, which is naturally harder than not even thinking it to begin with. Is this my ultimate goal? To do absolutely nothing? I am pulled toward this goal more often than finding motivation, and suicide seems to be the solution to this goal because in death, there is nothing. However, some part of me won't pull the trigger, because the knowledge of what could have been, and that I still have a chance to find out. I put the safety back on and remove the rifle out from under my jaw. Am I good enough for this world? Should I be allowed to live? Can I actually change? At least for now I can think of these things and that's good enough for now, it has to be, until I get up and push forward.

 

[herbavore]

Sometimes I think that we need to come face to face with our own non-existence to find that little ember still glowing inside--the one that was on fire the minute you took your first breath of air out of your mother's womb--that says, I am alive. When you have absorbed all the suffering around you and have become only attuned to suffering in your own mind, the miracle of you, of this actual brief experience gets buried under layers and layers of pain. It is possible to force yourself to reach out of all that you have made comfortable and familiar.

You do not have to be worthy. You do not have to be "allowed". You do not have to prove anything to anyone. Just hold yourself as if you are a crying baby that needs not fixing, but simple human comforting. Allow yourself to be enough in your own thoughts.

I am glad that you wrote this. Writing can be a way through. I know that it took courage to turn away from the comforting thought that death has become in your mind. You can change. You will change. Feel free to PM me anytime for encouragement or anything else.

 

[Demetre]

Thank you soo much Herbavore! writing definitely helps and I hope to one day be able to do what you do and help people get through addiction

 

[Stickman Roxy]

Sometimes I think that we need to come face to face with our own non-existence to find that little ember still glowing inside--the one that was on fire the minute you took your first breath of air out of your mother's womb--that says, I am alive.

You do not have to be worthy. You do not have to be "allowed". You do not have to prove anything to anyone. Just hold yourself as if you are a crying baby that needs not fixing, but simple human comforting. Allow yourself to be enough in your own thoughts.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you, herbavore

 

[cduggles]

Forgive me if I get tangled, but I am still recovering from losing someone to suicide. Put the rifle down.
I agree with herbavore, in my own words, that you have to stop judging yourself so harshly. It's something I'm working on myself. It's not easy.
And you are right. All your potential, everything you want or need to do dies when you do. There are no more chances. No more possibilities.
And people who care about you are left with unanswerable questions and agonizing pain. Don't kid yourself that you're doing them a favor, or that this just affects you. It will leave a hole in some people that won't ever be filled.
I would have done anything to prevent my friend's suicide. I was gutted to hear about it and I think about it every day. It's been years.
I'm sorry you're having these thoughts and I'm hopeful that you posted. My best hope for you is that you can find the right person to talk to about it and they respond with love and the gentleness that herbavore describes. CD

 

[Demetre]

You guys are all so great!!! I can't thank you enough for taking the time to respond! I am hopeful and you're exactly right, it's definitely not a favor for anyone, the complete opposite actually..
again, thank you all so much you are all so awesome! Truly perfect words that I needed to hear