ScaredofMyself
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2016
- Messages
- 182
This will be a bit long, so I apologize for it. I understand if you would not like to read it all.
People call me Raze. That's the name I prefer. I'm 20 years old and a college student. I live with my adoptive parents and my sister.
I have something different about me, something that affects me greatly. I have ASPD, more commonly know as Sociopath behavior disorder.
Throughout elementary school, I was picked on offtenly for being very overweight and unattractive. I was made fun of ruthlessly and cried often.
During the 5th grade I started excercising regularly with the help of my sister. As much as I despise her, she played a big part in my weight loss.
By the time I got to middle school (7th Grade) I had lost more than 60 pounds.
I was finally feeling confident about myself. But still, I was ruthlessly bullied for dressing "emo", having long straight hair and wearing dark makeup/nail polish.
One kid from elementary school, was much shorter than me. He was the meanest to me. He still called me fat and homophobic slurs. But, I wasn't getting sad anymore. I was feeling angry.
So, I let him have it. Pretty badly.
No one looked at me the same. I developed a different personality.
I never turned in homework, I swore a lot (Even at teachers), and would be generally a aggressive person.
The thing that alarmed my parents however, is when I stopped smiling and stayed in my room all day. They sometimes went days without even seeing me.
And I was even more toxic in high school.
But now the main point, no matter what, I've never held on to a relationship. I'd break up with everyone within a month. I had no feelings for them, it was just a "social status". I've never had sex or my first kiss to this day. I wouldn't let any of them touch me.
I've dated girls and boys. Often flip flopping my preference.
Being alone is sad, especially when you're empty and people try to fill the void, but fail miserably.
I've never been able to keep friends either.
But, after I eventually found everyone disgusting, I stopped going to college.
My sister became concerned, so she started taking me places. She'd often barter with me. She'd buy me a 12 pack of Mountain Dew a week if I spent time with my parents.
But 2 months ago, she took me to a college party. I was awkward and just sat on the couch eating potato chips. I was harassed often by guys asking me to perform sexual acts. It further pushed my hatred of humanity.
But eventually, a strange girl came in. She had pale skin and a weird haircut. She had slightly muscular arms, and she was taller than me. She looked around, not talking to anyone. I stared at her aggressively, I don't know why, and eventually she noticed me.
She gave off a unpleasant smile and walked over to me. She talked to me in a strange voice. It sounded seductive in tone, but it was her natural voice. It was a little soft, but she still managed to give off a unpleasant vibe.
She said she heard about me. She heard of my trips to the hospital. I felt like sighing because I knew I was about to get roasted. But she seemed to be impressed, which was strange.
She also always kept eye contact without breaking. That upset me a lot.
My sisters boyfriend then came over, and to my surprise he basically told her to go away with a few vulgar words thrown in.
She seemed to be amused and walked away. He then told me to stay away from "Cancer" like her. I was confused, why did he not like this girl.
Eventually my sister and I walked outside to leave, when the strange woman came over and gave me a sprite. I don't like sprite, but I was thirsty so I took it. My sister looked annoyed, but didn't say anything. Eventually the woman gave me her number. Then insulted my sister before walking away.
On the drive home, my sister randomly broke the long silence and called the woman a female dog and told me to stay away from her. I was baffled, why was everyone hating on this woman.
I'll now be referring to the woman as "Lilith" so things are no longer complicated.
A few days later, my sister and her boyfriend were cuddling and watching Breaking Bad on Netflix.
I came in to ask them about Lilith, because I couldn't get her off my mind. This has never happened before.
After asking, they explained she was toxic. Rude, mean, and hateful. She apparently took fighting classes, so she's very cocky. They then told me how in high school she'd savagely beat other girls. Not like hair pulling or slapping as her boyfriend said. She actually knew what she was doing, and I guess she was good at it.
They said she beat many guys as well, leaving one guy with a broken hand.
Apparently she'd taunt people until they attacked her, so then she'd have an excuse to hurt them.
She even hurt a guy at our college.
They told me never to talk to her, and... I had no intention of listening.
I texted her that night, and the first thing she said was vulgar but basically meant she was waiting for my text. We talked all night, it was basically me just listening to her brag about how smart and talented she was.
I hung up around 7am and slept all day.
In the afternoon, she asked to hang out and that she would pick me up. I asked if she could pick me up two blocks away so my sister wouldn't see.
I don't know why, but she fascinated me.
While we hung out, I was very nervous, even scared. She was much stronger than me. She yanked me into a store and I moved like I was a little feather.
I may be exaggerating a bit, but she was very strong.
Anyway, she would know when I'd get nervous, and he she'd try to comfort me, complimenting me. Nothing crazy, just little things.
I went home later, and realized I was about to go insane.
I couldn't stop thinking about her. She amazed me. Every day I eagerly waited for her texts.
I felt happy for once.
But everyone hates her.
I've come to you guys, to ask your opinion on the situation.
People call me Raze. That's the name I prefer. I'm 20 years old and a college student. I live with my adoptive parents and my sister.
I have something different about me, something that affects me greatly. I have ASPD, more commonly know as Sociopath behavior disorder.
Throughout elementary school, I was picked on offtenly for being very overweight and unattractive. I was made fun of ruthlessly and cried often.
During the 5th grade I started excercising regularly with the help of my sister. As much as I despise her, she played a big part in my weight loss.
By the time I got to middle school (7th Grade) I had lost more than 60 pounds.
I was finally feeling confident about myself. But still, I was ruthlessly bullied for dressing "emo", having long straight hair and wearing dark makeup/nail polish.
One kid from elementary school, was much shorter than me. He was the meanest to me. He still called me fat and homophobic slurs. But, I wasn't getting sad anymore. I was feeling angry.
So, I let him have it. Pretty badly.
No one looked at me the same. I developed a different personality.
I never turned in homework, I swore a lot (Even at teachers), and would be generally a aggressive person.
The thing that alarmed my parents however, is when I stopped smiling and stayed in my room all day. They sometimes went days without even seeing me.
And I was even more toxic in high school.
But now the main point, no matter what, I've never held on to a relationship. I'd break up with everyone within a month. I had no feelings for them, it was just a "social status". I've never had sex or my first kiss to this day. I wouldn't let any of them touch me.
I've dated girls and boys. Often flip flopping my preference.
Being alone is sad, especially when you're empty and people try to fill the void, but fail miserably.
I've never been able to keep friends either.
But, after I eventually found everyone disgusting, I stopped going to college.
My sister became concerned, so she started taking me places. She'd often barter with me. She'd buy me a 12 pack of Mountain Dew a week if I spent time with my parents.
But 2 months ago, she took me to a college party. I was awkward and just sat on the couch eating potato chips. I was harassed often by guys asking me to perform sexual acts. It further pushed my hatred of humanity.
But eventually, a strange girl came in. She had pale skin and a weird haircut. She had slightly muscular arms, and she was taller than me. She looked around, not talking to anyone. I stared at her aggressively, I don't know why, and eventually she noticed me.
She gave off a unpleasant smile and walked over to me. She talked to me in a strange voice. It sounded seductive in tone, but it was her natural voice. It was a little soft, but she still managed to give off a unpleasant vibe.
She said she heard about me. She heard of my trips to the hospital. I felt like sighing because I knew I was about to get roasted. But she seemed to be impressed, which was strange.
She also always kept eye contact without breaking. That upset me a lot.
My sisters boyfriend then came over, and to my surprise he basically told her to go away with a few vulgar words thrown in.
She seemed to be amused and walked away. He then told me to stay away from "Cancer" like her. I was confused, why did he not like this girl.
Eventually my sister and I walked outside to leave, when the strange woman came over and gave me a sprite. I don't like sprite, but I was thirsty so I took it. My sister looked annoyed, but didn't say anything. Eventually the woman gave me her number. Then insulted my sister before walking away.
On the drive home, my sister randomly broke the long silence and called the woman a female dog and told me to stay away from her. I was baffled, why was everyone hating on this woman.
I'll now be referring to the woman as "Lilith" so things are no longer complicated.
A few days later, my sister and her boyfriend were cuddling and watching Breaking Bad on Netflix.
I came in to ask them about Lilith, because I couldn't get her off my mind. This has never happened before.
After asking, they explained she was toxic. Rude, mean, and hateful. She apparently took fighting classes, so she's very cocky. They then told me how in high school she'd savagely beat other girls. Not like hair pulling or slapping as her boyfriend said. She actually knew what she was doing, and I guess she was good at it.
They said she beat many guys as well, leaving one guy with a broken hand.
Apparently she'd taunt people until they attacked her, so then she'd have an excuse to hurt them.
She even hurt a guy at our college.
They told me never to talk to her, and... I had no intention of listening.
I texted her that night, and the first thing she said was vulgar but basically meant she was waiting for my text. We talked all night, it was basically me just listening to her brag about how smart and talented she was.
I hung up around 7am and slept all day.
In the afternoon, she asked to hang out and that she would pick me up. I asked if she could pick me up two blocks away so my sister wouldn't see.
I don't know why, but she fascinated me.
While we hung out, I was very nervous, even scared. She was much stronger than me. She yanked me into a store and I moved like I was a little feather.
I may be exaggerating a bit, but she was very strong.
Anyway, she would know when I'd get nervous, and he she'd try to comfort me, complimenting me. Nothing crazy, just little things.
I went home later, and realized I was about to go insane.
I couldn't stop thinking about her. She amazed me. Every day I eagerly waited for her texts.
I felt happy for once.
But everyone hates her.
I've come to you guys, to ask your opinion on the situation.
