Hey all,
So to start off I am fairly upset that I now find myself here having to make these decisions. I absolutely love drugs for many many reasons. Sadly after months of slowly recognizing many negative effects I am now faced with the decision that many of us find ourselves with, do I need to stop. Before I go any further I want to say that support groups very specifically have not worked for me personally. Something about letting others have this kind of knowledge about my life closes me off and makes me aggressive and defensive. I am looking for out of the box kind of solutions. My plan already includes improving my diet and exercise as well.
So first off you need a little backstory of some of my medical history and personal life to understand my triggers. I have minor to moderate bipolar. Don't just jump in with "this is likely caused by drugs", I actually went through a 2.5 year period of abstinence and during this time is when I finally sought help because my condition was actually becoming worse. I also have a shit ton of debt and my finances are a daily struggle for me. Finally I am transgender and this has increasingly made my sex life difficult. In general depression, anxiety, and lack of physical contact together lead to me desiring to use drugs to make myself feel better. It's a stupid reason and I am aware of this. Coupled with the positive light I shed upon drug use in general leads to me mostly not giving a fuck and deciding to indulge.
Now a little about the drug use and how I use them now as well as in the past. I began smoking pot when I was 15. From this time til I was 19 I experimented in literally anything I found out could make you high, excluding rare circumstances where it just simply was not available at all. I never developed any kind of addictions however, the only exception being weed. I started to focus on school from 19 til shortly after I turned 21 and abstained a great deal from everything. After I turned 21 my girlfriend of 5 years left me and it destroyed my world. I dove deeply into anything I could find. This led to me developing a serious addiction to meth. For a period of about three months I literally locked myself in my room at my parents house and kind of lost my mind. I began to not sleep fairly regularly and if I did it was when everyone else was awake. During the last month I went out of my way to avoid talking or being seen by anyone. My room was filled with trash and everything was torn apart, I was peeing in bottles and cups, it was very very bad. Thank god my friend came to my rescue because I probably would have soon killed myself. He came over and told me I had to come with him and I had no choice. I refused and he kicked in my door and forcefully took me to his truck. Instead of calling me out and making me feel guilty he simply took me camping for three days. That's all it took. From that point on for about two years I went through a period of complete abstinence trying to figure everything out. Finally things had improved so much in my life and my understanding of myself I decided to dabble again with much more constraint. At first this was responsible and controlled to an amazing extent. But for the last two years this has slowly changed into abuse again.
Now to the present. For the last six months I have consistently been abusing my adderall prescription. When it runs out and somehow I manage to set aside a little skrilla I have also been using rc stims, specifically 2-FA, EPH, 4-MEC, and even Hexen. I only use about a gram of any of those and only during the time in between scripts. This results in 5-10 days a month of sobriety, which is where all the negative effects have become crystal clear. During these days I deal with considerable depression, fatigue, agitation, and even flu like symptoms in certain situations. This has directly affected my work on many occasions, and in a serious way twice now. Work alone is actually the reason I am sitting here writing this as I don't want this to happen any longer.
I feel like I need some direction. The number one way I am going to be able to get out of this pattern is through diet and exercise, but I want to supplement this in some way. I have heard of people with bipolar using certain supplements to maintain proper dopamine levels which in turn leads to a decreased desire to use. I am also fairly certain that there is something out there I could start to regularly eat that may help this as well. My current psychiatrist has on more than one occasion explained that this a real problem for people have ADD and bipolar, and I have both so....
If you have any tidbits please let me know. Don't just reply with that's all you can do. Please help make this easier for me as I want to work towards a healthier and happier life.
Thank you for reading this.
So to start off I am fairly upset that I now find myself here having to make these decisions. I absolutely love drugs for many many reasons. Sadly after months of slowly recognizing many negative effects I am now faced with the decision that many of us find ourselves with, do I need to stop. Before I go any further I want to say that support groups very specifically have not worked for me personally. Something about letting others have this kind of knowledge about my life closes me off and makes me aggressive and defensive. I am looking for out of the box kind of solutions. My plan already includes improving my diet and exercise as well.
So first off you need a little backstory of some of my medical history and personal life to understand my triggers. I have minor to moderate bipolar. Don't just jump in with "this is likely caused by drugs", I actually went through a 2.5 year period of abstinence and during this time is when I finally sought help because my condition was actually becoming worse. I also have a shit ton of debt and my finances are a daily struggle for me. Finally I am transgender and this has increasingly made my sex life difficult. In general depression, anxiety, and lack of physical contact together lead to me desiring to use drugs to make myself feel better. It's a stupid reason and I am aware of this. Coupled with the positive light I shed upon drug use in general leads to me mostly not giving a fuck and deciding to indulge.
Now a little about the drug use and how I use them now as well as in the past. I began smoking pot when I was 15. From this time til I was 19 I experimented in literally anything I found out could make you high, excluding rare circumstances where it just simply was not available at all. I never developed any kind of addictions however, the only exception being weed. I started to focus on school from 19 til shortly after I turned 21 and abstained a great deal from everything. After I turned 21 my girlfriend of 5 years left me and it destroyed my world. I dove deeply into anything I could find. This led to me developing a serious addiction to meth. For a period of about three months I literally locked myself in my room at my parents house and kind of lost my mind. I began to not sleep fairly regularly and if I did it was when everyone else was awake. During the last month I went out of my way to avoid talking or being seen by anyone. My room was filled with trash and everything was torn apart, I was peeing in bottles and cups, it was very very bad. Thank god my friend came to my rescue because I probably would have soon killed myself. He came over and told me I had to come with him and I had no choice. I refused and he kicked in my door and forcefully took me to his truck. Instead of calling me out and making me feel guilty he simply took me camping for three days. That's all it took. From that point on for about two years I went through a period of complete abstinence trying to figure everything out. Finally things had improved so much in my life and my understanding of myself I decided to dabble again with much more constraint. At first this was responsible and controlled to an amazing extent. But for the last two years this has slowly changed into abuse again.
Now to the present. For the last six months I have consistently been abusing my adderall prescription. When it runs out and somehow I manage to set aside a little skrilla I have also been using rc stims, specifically 2-FA, EPH, 4-MEC, and even Hexen. I only use about a gram of any of those and only during the time in between scripts. This results in 5-10 days a month of sobriety, which is where all the negative effects have become crystal clear. During these days I deal with considerable depression, fatigue, agitation, and even flu like symptoms in certain situations. This has directly affected my work on many occasions, and in a serious way twice now. Work alone is actually the reason I am sitting here writing this as I don't want this to happen any longer.
I feel like I need some direction. The number one way I am going to be able to get out of this pattern is through diet and exercise, but I want to supplement this in some way. I have heard of people with bipolar using certain supplements to maintain proper dopamine levels which in turn leads to a decreased desire to use. I am also fairly certain that there is something out there I could start to regularly eat that may help this as well. My current psychiatrist has on more than one occasion explained that this a real problem for people have ADD and bipolar, and I have both so....
If you have any tidbits please let me know. Don't just reply with that's all you can do. Please help make this easier for me as I want to work towards a healthier and happier life.
Thank you for reading this.
