social interpersonal violence - slappin bitches

[tantric]

and don't come at me sayin i'm misogynist and shit. i'm usin' 'bitch' as a general term for anyone who is deliberately annoying you. anyone, of any gender, can be an annoyin bitch

just after college, when you have those friends who are central to your life, i sucker punched my roommate. see, i couldn't find my stash. that's not uncommon, only users loose drugs, right? i looked for hours. finally, i asked him. he said, "i got rid of it. you need to learn to deal with your emotions without that crutch". i was nonplussed, but i thought, okay, here goes....and punched him in the gut. fuckin pompous windbag, anyway. he doubled over, shit hurts, but no damage done, then stumbled to his room and locked it.

what followed was the weird part, at least to me. all of my friends disowned me. one of them actually said, "you're not human anymore i look in your eyes and there's nothing there". ostracised. and you know, i specifically remember years before, i blew smoke in one of these friend's face, and she flat slapped me, in public. i just shook it off.

i don't get this. humans are apes, apes smack each other around. someday, you might end war, but there will still be bar fights.

dig this: my last relationship ended when i beat the piss out of the MF with a baseball bat.
[deafening silence]
right, i'm an abusive SOB, should be locked up, danger to civilized live....hear me out (from my journal)

i went with a guy in chef school for over a year. he was a sexy MF and loaded and paid for all kinds of shit, but he was also a narcissistic lying sack of shit end stage alcoholic. but i felt why he fell in the bottle, we both lost somebody close and blamed ourselves, so i loved him a bit. couldn't cook for shit. ...

i said i'm tantric, but not a good buddhist. i *am* everyday people. my relationship with said chef ended when i beat the shit out of the mf with a baseball bat. see, he liked to get drunk at expensive bars, like ordering a plate of raw oysters and drinking vodka straight, dumbass, and me drive him home and fool around, 'cept when we got to his place one night and he says, its time for you to leave. and i say, i'm drunk as piss on drinks you been buyin' me all night, i can't drive 60mi to my house, what the fuck i gone do? he said, get out or i call the cops - and that was over between us. i drove three miles and parked at a gas station to sleep it off. until a cop knocked on my window and said there'd been a call about my car, someone driving too drunk and needing help and could he be of MOTHERFUCKING assistance? i said no. and i didn't do anything about it. i just stayed away. until the next week, an EMT calls me and says someone beat the hell out of this guy, and he wants me to be called, cause he gone be in the hospital and no one to pick him up. i know its my chef, and i know the nigga who beat the piss out of him is the guy he was cheating on me with. still, he gone be at a hospital in ghetto DT and fucked up and no where to go, and i don't leave my people like that. so i drive 50mi to get him. when i get there's he's got a black eye, split lip, dislocated shoulder, etc, cause he is a hairy, sweaty bareknuckled mf, else i wouldn't be going with him. gets up and pushes the nurse aside, pushes me against the wall and kisses me, the nurse's mouth hanging open - that's okay, cause i'm fucking tantric and tasting the blood in his mouth was hot as shit, me about to pop out my jeans, you know? so we leave and he wants to stop on the way home and get a drink and get his script filled (which is mine and he knows it), and i tell him - i gone spend the night with you, on your couch or up your ass, agree to that and he does. and we get drunk and back at his place and he gets this shit eating grin on his face, like i don't know he called the police on me already once, and says, it's time for you to leave. okay, i don't play. i took the baseball bat beside the door and beat the piss out of him, only hitting where the mf he was cheating on me with already hit him, then i yanked his shoulder back out of joint. i put my knee on his chest, while i swear to god he was begging for his momma, and said, i'm gone call you an ambulance, and you gone tell them you fell down the stairs cause you drunk and on pills (true) and i was just trying to help you. i did, he did and nothing came of it. i threw the baseball bat i a river. i *hate* that shit. it was my fault for trusting or thinkng with my dick or what the fuck ever, but it was wrong. but i'm everyday motherfucking people and you don't call the cops on me cause you fucking feel like it.

you have to understand this guy. once when we went to see iron man2, he was so psyched and drunk he wouldn't stop talking, feeding me fanboy trivia. this is at a theatre that serves beer in decatur (featured in many OutKast songs). a woman turned around and politely asked him to stop talking. he flat called her a 'nigger cunt'. i ran - bugged the fuck out and drug him with me, threw his sorry ass in his truck and sped off. shit.

i'm of the opinion that some people just need to be beaten. you know its true, you know some of them too. their entire MO is being way past cool and getting away with it because no one will do anything. see, prison isn't like that. in prison, if you seriously cross a line, nigga gone bust you in the mouth. particularly if you bald face lie to somebody and they know you're lyin - you likely to lose some teeth.

An armed society is a polite society. Manners are good when one may have to back up his acts with his life.
Robert A. Heinlein

i'm not saying that it's right, but it damn sure felt right. it was fuckin civilized.

so, am i a savage subhuman?

 

[Anamo7tram]

I don't think this thread is spiritual or philosophical.
And we aren't apes, at the very least we have evolved.


TBH I find you, the friend and the whole story to be nauseating.

 

[ForEverAfter]

so, am i a savage subhuman?

No... You just sound like a teenager trying to impress his peers (to me).
Being violent is part of being human, but so is learning from your mistakes.
Doesn't sound like you're learning much of anything.

Fighting unarmed people with baseball bats doesn't make you tough.
It makes you a coward, in my book.

...

If this is a joke thread, my bad.
Otherwise, you should be ashamed.
How old are you: fourteen / fifteen?

Grow up.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Sounds like you go looking for and putting yourself in situations like this. It's not like this random shit just happens to you and your only choice is to punch your way through life cause they're assholes. So what is this? A confession, braggadocio, some contorted justification for your behavior? If there is a point in all this you lost me. And don't go playing the "I'm everyday people" card when it's convenient. You project something very different in almost all your posts.

 

[swilow]

I tend to agree with some of the other posts. What are you trying to discuss here?

As already stated, this isn't really the correct forum. I'm going to shift this to second opinion, where you might find a more willing audience.

Mods of SO, hopefully this thread is something you can work with.

P&S =================> Second Opinion

 

[tantric]

yes, there's more to this, and yes, i was spun when i wrote the above, it concerns my life transition as a 40ish man, and i seem to be becoming an alpha male, whereas i previously spent my life avoiding conflict and confrontations. now, i just have zero fear of such things. the other day when i was in the clinic, the secretaries were giving me the run around, they couldn't tell me this, and privacy protections and blah blah. i shrugged and turned on the alpha. my voice dropped, i tensed my jaw and, i blustered a bit and problem solved. i honestly don't even remember what i said. but the secretaries fluttered away and within seconds, the boss lady was shaking my hand like an equal. shit - that's *useful*. but what i did, there, was violent. it worked because of primate brain wiring reacting to the underlying threat of violence. before, i couldn't do shit like that, because i wouldn't fight. now that i have fought, and survived and realized its not so bad, things are different.

i'm not fully okay with this. it seems as if in order to become a more effective person, i have to internalize 'la vita violenta'. and it bothers me that i prefer the social climate in prison to the one i find myself in these days - people are unbelievably rude and hateful, and they do it because they assume they can. you don't go into another person's private stuff and fuck with it - that's a fucked up ape thing to do and i think it deserves an ape response.

i've always known: pain is the only teacher. learning something that's reinforced with pain is very different from learning something from a book - pain learning goes deep. when i blew smoke in that girls face and she slapped me - well, i'll never do that again. and prison? i would much rather them just have taken me out and beat me, flogged even, than what i went through. but no, physical punishment is 'inhumane' - nonsense, people scrap and whoop on each other. and sometimes it works. but how the fuck am i supposed to navigate this?

 

[tantric]

and while i'm writing this, a post about being a bad buddhist, my one and only piece of jewelry broke - my buddha pendant fell off. that's BAD. i'm down a twisted path, i know this - i know that i've become an asshole, when i used to be the nicest guy you'd know. but there's something here i have to integrate, and i don't know how to go about it. i don't *want* to live in an armed, polite society. when i ask my sister something, and she just flat lies to my face, i don't want fo feel like i have a right to slap those lyin teeth right out her mouth. but i know, from my studies in primatology, that a bitch slap would in fact knock her down in the hierarchy and cause her to behave in a way less dangerous to the band as a whole. (btw, since i turned her geeked up ass in to the methadone clinic, she's left me alone and she's doing better herself, at least the methbug scars are gone) is that the answer? contrived social violence? what i did to her was pure Lawful Evil. i channelled cersei lannister. how is that less evil than slappin her?

 

[herbavore]

To me everything you have written paints a picture of just one more twisted human in the shape of a weapon that the machine that is america churns out every single day. The prison that you feel more comfortable in seems to have been factory installed in your head. You are an intelligent person, Tantric. I've seen it in other things you have written. Listening to you trying to justify self-righteous violence (they all deserve it in your mind) is a wrong turn you are making in your thinking and I sincerely hope you come to recognize that. It is the same crap every violent person uses to justify power over someone else. I'm wondering if you have ever been on the receiving end of the extreme kind of violence you are talking about and whether you felt you learned the lesson the person was supposedly giving you about your behavior or attitude or thinking; in other words do you agree that you deserved it because they think you did?

 

[Erikmen]

This sort of feedback is important to realize it takes two or more to know about yourself. What I (myself) think is full of justifications and due to my personal history it all seems to be correct and absolut. But the confrontation of ideas is something important to allow ourselves to think out of our own beliefs.

I understand it may be hard to accept some different ideas specially when you are certain about yours. Different ways of thinking but important to our growth and self critique in a good way.

 

[hydroazuanacaine]

sounds like part of a sexual identity you're trying to assume -- the savage alpha male. you've got the image in your head, but it might not look as attractive to others. and if you really are going around hitting people, expect that to catch up to you.

 

[Erikmen]

Exactly.

 

[Jabberwocky]

alright Tantric. Have a good laugh. We got love here, don't forget. You're living your struggle out loud. You're an alpha male now. Now use it to get out of your situation. Please don't actually hurt people. Do it with your eyes. You know you can. Ride it as long as you need to, just don't be a dick more than you need to to get free and transform your life. It's an evolutionary stage like the rest of them. This'll produce change. This'll get you moving on to better things.

 

[tantric]

To me everything you have written paints a picture of just one more twisted human in the shape of a weapon that the machine that is america churns out every single day. The prison that you feel more comfortable in seems to have been factory installed in your head. You are an intelligent person, Tantric. I've seen it in other things you have written. Listening to you trying to justify self-righteous violence (they all deserve it in your mind) is a wrong turn you are making in your thinking and I sincerely hope you come to recognize that. It is the same crap every violent person uses to justify power over someone else. I'm wondering if you have ever been on the receiving end of the extreme kind of violence you are talking about and whether you felt you learned the lesson the person was supposedly giving you about your behavior or attitude or thinking; in other words do you agree that you deserved it because they think you did?

oh, yes, i've been beaten. it's not about 'deserves', it's about how the lesson is learned. lessons learned with pain conditioning (once the subject has experienced real pain conditioning, threat of such is enough) create a very strong neural pathway. i remember this from my beatings - how i'd cringe at the thought of it. it was very effective, in fact, i suspect there's evolutionary reinforcement. i've spent a ridiculous amount of time watching apes be apes. fact - they slap each other around. even bonobos. not the killing rage of chimps, but social violence. when i was collecting southern aphorism to add to my idiolect, one of my favs was "you wouldn't be like this if yo mamma had beaten you more often as a kid". but that's TRUE in many cases. you can tell.

for me, i wasn't capable of social conflict until i realized i could 'go all way'. i wouldn't stand up to people because i knew i woulldnt' fight if it came to that. i know different know. not that i'm gonna win, very unlikely, but that i'll take those risks.

i'm an ecologist - this is an extension of the hawk dove game for me. doves always share food, hawks always fight over food, winner take all, hawks win over doves. in that situation, doves can only exist if the hawk violence is extreme. but if you add a new player, a crow, who fights with hawks and shares with doves, the equilibrium changes so that many more doves survive. that's what i want - to become the protector.

 

[tantric]

alright Tantric. Have a good laugh. We got love here, don't forget. You're living your struggle out loud. You're an alpha male now. Now use it to get out of your situation. Please don't actually hurt people. Do it with your eyes. You know you can. Ride it as long as you need to, just don't be a dick more than you need to to get free and transform your life. It's an evolutionary stage like the rest of them. This'll produce change. This'll get you moving on to better things.

this is helpful. i have to accept the capacity and use that, not actual violence, which would never work for me (i'm skinny).

 

[nuttynutskin]

Beating someone with a baseball bat that isn't armed isn't a fight, it's being a little bitch. Remember there's always going to be someone out there tougher than you and some of them might be armed. But by all means go out there and prove how "alpha" you are. lol

 

[tantric]

you had to be there - i returned him to the state in which i found him. i can't explain to you how horrible a human being he was, but this usually gets people: when we were watching iron man 2 in decatur (featured in a OutKast song - Decatur Psalm), he we so drunk and in fanboy mode he wanted to talk during the movie, so i wouldn't 'miss anything'. a rather respectable lady leaned back and asked him to be quiet....he flat called her a 'nigger cunt'. he had real racist *hate* in him. i stayed with him as long as i did because at that time i thought i deserved him, and because weirdly, he made me feel safe when we were asleep together. but he NEEDED to be beaten, actually - the stocks were designed for such as him, public humiliation. there are people out there who will run all the hell over you and fuck your life based solely on the idea you won't beat the shit out of them. sad but true.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Wouldn't it be a bit easier to just not associate with such people rather than putting your own freedom at risk? lulz

 

[ForEverAfter]

So, if he needed to be beaten, I assume it turned his life around?
(Because, generally speaking, it doesn't help.)

 

[tantric]

you're missing the poetic justice - i returned him to the state i found him in. after he'd been beaten the first time, it was my mistake to get drawn back into that. he went right back to the ER to set his arm relocated, with no one to help him. and, by my philosophy, those who reward altruism with treachery earn spite. i can show you the math - reciprocal altruistic networks have punish 'cheaters' with spite, harm done to the violator at a cost of harm done to the network. what should i have done? let him have me arrested? that was his plan - he'd decided, i think, to show me i couldn't leave him. i'm sure he'd have visited, maybe, he'd like that. when i say this, it isn't about how i feel, it's about math - traitors must be punished.

did it turn his life around? no. have you ever been beaten for a reason, maybe as a child? say for stealing cookies. for the rest of your life, the thought of stealing cookies will make you cringe. just maybe, when he thinks about fucking over someone who's trying to help him, he'll cringe. unlikely.

i did the least wrong thing i could think of. and, you'll note, it worked like a charm (which bothers me). and when i think about it, regardless of what y'all think of me, i cringe. it was sick. i'll never allow myself to get that deep in the shit again. frankly, that episode cured me of the idea that i couldn't do better than him and deserved all that. i had thought of him as my thelma and louise guy, the one i was going over the cliff with. that was the whole point - mutual destruction. but i woke up - decided i wanted to live, or maybe he pissed me off enough to get me to stand up and fight again. i really loved him, too - just listen...



I said "Brother, you speak to me of passion
You said never to settle for nothing less
Well, it's in the way he walks,
It's in the way he talks
His smile, his anger and his kisses"

I said "Sister, don't you understand?
He's all I ever wanted in a man
I'm tired of sittin' around the T.V. every night
Hoping I'm finding a Mr. Right"

Misguided angel hangin' over me
Heart like a Gabriel, pure and white as ivory
Soul like a Lucifer
Black and cold like a piece of lead
Misguided angel, love you 'til I'm dead

-cowboy junkies

^^^ was my song then, what i wanted. then i woke up. when i think of him, i miss him - crashed on his bed, snuggled up, he smelled like HOME. there was no other place i wanted to be. it was the rest of the time that was a nightmare.

 

[Cliffy78]

Dude you gotta find a better outlet for your anger. I've been there man, grew up in the projects, stood on the corner where the meanest most savage prosper, same as in prison, been there done that like many others here. When I was young I reacted to perceived slights a lot like u seem to. Disrespect=beat down without warning, after all that's what they seemed to want, don't they know the rules? Thing is they were raised differently, I.e thinking shits sweet I guess if u get my drift? You gotta find a different way to deal with this shit bro on it's right back to the can for u bro and maybe deep down that's what u want? Many of the people I grew up with functioned much better in prison. What happened in prison to make u this way bro? Like u said u weren't like this before so what happened to make u bug at the drop of a dime? Survival tactic? I don't like people either but I learned to just ignore the ignorance an out distance between them and I. Not risk my freedom to teach them that life lesson that I feel deep down people need to learn, I'm guessing u feel the same on some level. This is the only post I've seen of urs so idk ur history or anything but I do feel your pain and fear, fear of being hurt, used, discarded. You gotta find a way to deal with this shit or it looks like more yrs in the box for u bro. Take care brother!