Hi all. I’ve been using meth on and off for around 20 years. I have a major heart attack about a year and a half ago. Was in coma and icu. Anyways I went to rehab last summer for four months. Came back and used on and off. It’s sounds terrible but I hate being sober. I don’t like anything about it. But I also don’t like being hi. I’ve been using steady since December and I have chest pain every day but still I don’t stop. Yesterday I had a heart cath done and they placed a stent. I stopped using for a week before the procedure. Now I’m home and have relapsed. I feel freaking terrible. What’s it going to take. I’m going to end up dying. I just don’t know wtf to do. I’m miserable either way. I pray and talk to god and I hope he lets me enter heaven when my time comes. I’m 41/female. Thank you for listening.
Sobriety
- Thread starter Trpatten
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I hope you don't find this comment out of line or offensive but have you considered looking into spiritual routes instead of praying? After a lifetime of unanswered prayers, mediation introduced me to many deities and lead me to many fascinating spiritual routes that have given me that sense of purpose all those bullshit NA people talk about in sobriety. If your open to it, maybe pray to a god that will actually answer you. YouTube has plenty of guided meditations to help you form your own technique. I hope this helps, I'm rooting for you!
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I don't have much to offer you but I do hope you find something soon which works for you. Maybe the above poster is right and looking into spiritual solutions may be of some use. Maybe not. Maybe using a different ROA. If you are an IV user, switch to nasal or eating or plugging. I would recommend eating because it is probably the least harmful way of ingesting it that you can do.
Try getting out for some exercise on a daily basis. It sounds really simple but it can really help take your mind off things and is also great for your heart as well. Nothing strenuous of course, even just a gentle walk would be sufficient in your circumstances.
Start trying to eat healthily and sleep better. All things you can do to improve your chances of prolonging your life if you do continue to use.
Remember, it's about harm minimisation, not always abstinence. Abstinence would likely be the best outcome for you of course, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up.
Try getting out for some exercise on a daily basis. It sounds really simple but it can really help take your mind off things and is also great for your heart as well. Nothing strenuous of course, even just a gentle walk would be sufficient in your circumstances.
Start trying to eat healthily and sleep better. All things you can do to improve your chances of prolonging your life if you do continue to use.
Remember, it's about harm minimisation, not always abstinence. Abstinence would likely be the best outcome for you of course, but if you can't, don't beat yourself up.
Thank you for your responses. I’ve always smoked it. Never been an iv user or any other way actually. Idk if I could hold it down If I ate it. I just want to live a happy life. Be productive. Every day I wake up it’s the same thing. And I count the hours until bed. At one point I was looking into brain restoration to restore dopamine levels back to normal. I don’t know why I quit looking into it. Maybe cost?
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I don't know what brain restoration is, but what I do know is that after 9 or so months of pretty heavy use I had a horrible comedown for the first and only time in my life (excluding overamps) but after I stopped slipping up every 3-9 months and I made it to 18 months meth free, I can confidently state that my brain had essentially fully repaired itself and I had zero lasting effects from my use.
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
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i can feel the desperation in your words. i wish i had an answer but i don't. what i can see though is that you don't want to die. that is something to build on.
20 years is a long ass run, it will take a long while to get to a point of feeling comfortable sober. but you can get to a point of not being miserable sober. it takes a lot of work though. there will have been underlying mental health problems causing you to use in the first place, plus the general shit that happens as par for the course of a long term hard drug habit, plus the stress of the heart problems. all of that needs addressing and healing. try to be compassionate to yourself.
i do know how it feels when your unable to stop your drug use despite it causing obvious health problems. in my last year of using hard drugs i completely lost the ability to fight off any infection. i got bronchitis twice and was still trying to smoke drugs through it. i was also convinced my kidneys were failing cos i was getting horrible pain (it boke through heroin no problem) in that area, 'luckily they were fine i was just barely drinking water. anyway, neither of those are a heart problem so its not the same level, but if anything those issues made me worse rather than motivating me to try and stop using. cos it was just another way that i felt like absolute shite.