Sober 5 years and thinking about throwing it away...........

[chucky1432]

I haven't posted here in a really long time. I can't believe I actually remember my password. Anyway, long story short I have been sober 5 years from Drugs and Alcohol and I have become ambivalent about my sobriety. Like I don't even care about it anymore, which is kind of sad, because I worked so hard to get here. I have had so many repercussions from my drug and alcohol use, from 2 DUIs, with the second resulting in a BAC of .358, almost losing my job as school counselor, and having to jump through many hoops to get my License as Mental Health Counselor. Not to mention all the money I spent on rehab and fines and stuff. I should be totally happy moving forward in life, currently I'm working on my dissertation and will have my Ph.D hopefully in 2017.

So why do I want to throw all that away and go back out? Because I know that's exactly what will happen. I can try to remember all the good times, but if it were that great, I would never have stopped.

I don't go to 12 step groups because I can't stand to listen to people's stories over and over, I primarily use physical fitness as my way staying sober. Have run numerous marathons and ultra marathons as my sober recovery method.

Just needed to go on rant and get that out.

 

[manboychef]

I am here for you. I would sit down with a piece of paper or journal and right out the reasons you want to use and the possible solution/outcome if you do. Will it get better or worse?

You can do this. Obviously there was a reason you stopped five years ago. Maybe refresh that in your mind.

One more thing. Always remember that it is never as good as you build it up to be in your mind. Every time I relapsed I had built it up so much and it was incredibly underwhelming and came with lots of guilt.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

You should be congratulating yourself since you have 5 years of sobriety.

Can you talk to a family member, friend, or counselor/therapist about this? Some people find AA/NA meetings helpful, maybe try that out?

I have almost 4 years of complete sobriety coming up and sometimes I do get ambivalent about it; but then I just focus on other things and remind myself that I can't drink or use other drugs.

You said how you're in school working on a PhD. and a dissertation, can you focus a lot on that instead of using? Your cravings will go away but sometimes it takes time.

I also suggest that you do what manboychef said and make out a list of what your life was like when you were using and all the negative consequences from drinking and using drugs, and then in another column write all of the positive benefits that you've gotten from becoming sober and not using alcohol or other drugs. Good luck.

Also, tell yourself that the cravings or wanting to use again are just temporary. That's what I do when I get them, and I focus on other things and eventually they go away.

 

[chucky1432]

Thanks for the quick responses guys, that means a lot. I plan on talking to my therapist about this on Thursday when I see him. I mentioned this to him before, I don't think understood how close to the other side I'm starting to veer. I know how disappointed my family would be in me, especially me partner who got sober with me, but the desire to use has been so high so recently. I don't have many friends to talk to at the moment, as I have distanced myself from a lot of people with all the work I've been doing on my doctorate. I don't know if that's part of my problem, that I have fear of failure or something and maybe I'm seeking to sabotage myself. Not sure. Most people I know in sobriety talk about how great life is and that they never think about ever picking up and I just look at them like "Are you kidding me?' I'm not saying my life isn't great. I just always feel like something is missing. Why do I have that missing feeling and no one else has it? I have flavored sparkling water bottle that I put in my frig, filled with Vodka. I'm afraid I might drink it tonight. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of drinking and going back to my old ways or drinking it and realizing this was stupid idea, why am I doing this. All I know is the more I write here, the better I feel. So I guess that's a good thing. Thanks for listening. Maybe I just need to come back here and contribute to the boards and help people stay sober. Not sure.....I guess we'll just see.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Poor the vodka down the drain. Generally when people leave drugs laying around like that they end up using them.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Poor the vodka down the drain. Generally when people leave drugs laying around like that they end up using them.

I second this. You're tempted to drink or use and having it around is not going to help things.

 

[manboychef]

Just get that vodka down the drain. If you cannot you yourself do it, have a friend do it. This is important.

Anyone in recovery that says they do not think of using is lying to your face. They are just too afraid to admit that they too have the obsession that comes with addiction that never truly goes away.

Did you pitch out the vodka?

 

[chucky1432]

I didn't drink, I took everyone's advice and poured it down the drain. I can't believe I came that close, but luckily something came over me and said this wasn't a good idea. Not sure what all this means for my sobriety. I guess I'm on shaky ground and will have to re-establish my resolve to stay sober. Thanks for the help everyone!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Youve got a good head on your shoulders chucky, keep up the good work!

 

[cj]

You need to work with your therapist to identify the reason you feel the need to use. It sounds like you are really stressed with your PHD stuff. Many of us with drug problems have a lack of coping mechanisms for stress because we always just used drugs to deal with it. But yeah this is why you pay a therapist. I might even call and try to get a sooner appointment if its available. This is a mental health emergency on par with a return of symptoms pertaining to any other mental illness. Whatever you do don't downplay the seriousness of how you feel. Try to be kind to yourself.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Very well said, this whole episode reqyires immidiate treatment. The work is just beginning (once again - but then again, if never really ended, you probably just started getting a little too relaxed about it). Try not to let your recovery stress you out OP, you have enough to worry about. But you do need to light a fire under your ass and talk to a therapist who knows addiction about this whole thing.

How are you doing with self care OP? I too am super busy, abd I struggle to balance work and play. Always have. Before it was too much play and not enough work, not it is more towards too much work and not enough play. The trick is finding healthy things to do for self care activities. What this means in specific will vary from person to person, but you can easily figure out what a couple good activities might be for you.

Now, if you are already engaging in fun, healthy, safe extracurricular activities, then you really just need to worry about getting some follow up trearment. If you can a good IOP in your area would be useful, if you really want to put in your all I mean. Otherwise you really need to get your ass to a therapist. Good luck!

 

[manboychef]

OP: Do you ever go for long walks and just reflect on your life? I haven't had to go on a long walk for a long time. Here is an example. I had a very bad OD. Heroin and 60mg xanax (no I was not trying to kill myself....with xanax I tend to blackout and keep taking it.) I was in the hospital when I came to. I didn't want to get baker acted or put on an involuntary psych hold again so I ripped the IV out of my arm. Got dressed. I could have called someone for a ride, but I realized that things in my life were going absolutely batshit crazy. I decided to take the four hour walk home. I thought long and hard about my relationships with people, my feelings of low self worth, my desire to escape from reality constantly. I realized I had been walking around with a lot of pain on my shoulders. Lots of unrequited feelings of anger and abandonment swirled around in my soul so much so that I could never be honest with myself about why my life had gotten to the point that I was a regular at the hospital and at psych wards. On that walk I was able to finally be honest with myself and come to a place that I could accept that I had really, for lack of a better term, fucked up along the way somewhere, and it was nobody's fault but my own. I had spent my entire life blaming others for the things that were happening to me when in reality it was my skewed way of looking at things that kept bringing me back to the same place. The walk saved me. I was able to recognize my errors and understand that my best thinking was causing me to unravel.

Try a nice long walk by yourself. Sometimes when things are weighing heavily on your mind it is a lot easier to think on the move. Answers will present themselves when you are ready to hear them.

 

[Jetthecaf]

Try to remember what it was like during addiction it's never worth it no matter how bad life seems for a temporary high

 

[chucky1432]

You need to work with your therapist to identify the reason you feel the need to use. It sounds like you are really stressed with your PHD stuff. Many of us with drug problems have a lack of coping mechanisms for stress because we always just used drugs to deal with it. But yeah this is why you pay a therapist. I might even call and try to get a sooner appointment if its available. This is a mental health emergency on par with a return of symptoms pertaining to any other mental illness. Whatever you do don't downplay the seriousness of how you feel. Try to be kind to yourself.

I probably am putting too much emphasis on my Ph.D. at this point and finishing in a timely manner. I look at the people who don't finish and all the time I have put into this already, and it gets me paranoid. I don't want to be part of 60% that don't finish or are working on their dissertation for the next 10 years. I want to be done, so I can have free time, live a normal life where I'm not always doing something and actually be young enough where I can get some quality benefit from getting this damn degree. Plus I have the voices in the background who want me to be done, so we can rejoin the world and be social beings.

How are you doing with self care OP? I too am super busy, abd I struggle to balance work and play. Always have. Before it was too much play and not enough work, not it is more towards too much work and not enough play. The trick is finding healthy things to do for self care activities. What this means in specific will vary from person to person, but you can easily figure out what a couple good activities might be for you.

For self-care, I typically run 40-50 miles a week and go to the gym a couple times a week. That has helped me immensely with my sobriety. My problem is this past year or so, I have become ambivalent about sobriety. I hit 5 years and I was like "Is this all that there is to life?" Will talk this over more with my therapist on Thursday.

OP: Do you ever go for long walks and just reflect on your life? I haven't had to go on a long walk for a long time..

Yeap, I have done this quite often. Sometimes I think I spend too much time in my thoughts and that gets me carried away. Maybe I should think less and just be. I ponder too much about how things could be different, instead of just letting things be. I'm constantly thinking I'm missing out on things in life. I look at my life and say, OMG I'm almost 40 and all I do is work and study, I better do more stuff, before I look up and I'm too old. Life moves so damn fast.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I know people who finished getting their doctorate. It's totally worth it. Don't give up.

 

[cj]

This ma be controversial but I think there is truth to it. You may be able to use certain substances in a controlled manner if you truly feel its what you need for happiness. I am able to use certain drugs without many problems even though I was once a raging heroin addict. Forever sobriety isn't for everyone. You just really need to make sure you just want to get high and you don't want to relapse and self destruct. Two very different things. Give it some thought. Talk it over with your therapist, friends ect.

 

[Jabberwocky]

IMHO self care doesnt include going to the gym or running, but it definitely does include the odd hike. If running is all youre doing for self care I can see why youd be so stressed!

 

[manboychef]

chucky: I too get complacent sometimes. Something that works well for me is to read my old journals and think about the mindstate I had before recovery, in early recovery, and now. It really puts things in perspective for me, and keeps just how bad it was fresh in my mind.

I like the idea of talking to your therapist about it, and I am glad you came here and posted before you did anything rash.

@cj: That is what I am always saying. Sobriety does not equal abstinence and vice versa.

 

[chucky1432]

I know people who finished getting their doctorate. It's totally worth it. Don't give up.

Definitely going to finish this degree if it’s the last thing I do. Spent too much time and money to turn back now.

This ma be controversial but I think there is truth to it. You may be able to use certain substances in a controlled manner if you truly feel its what you need for happiness. I am able to use certain drugs without many problems even though I was once a raging heroin addict. Forever sobriety isn't for everyone. You just really need to make sure you just want to get high and you don't want to relapse and self destruct. Two very different things. Give it some thought. Talk it over with your therapist, friends ect.

Actually this is something I talked about with my therapist. It might be a route I decide to head down in the future. He seems supportive of the idea, especially since we worked through a lot of the issues that made me abuse in the first place. Something like Soberish…….. I like my sober life and don’t want to go back down that rode, but I would like to have the occasional drink every now and then on a Friday night to unwind.

IMHO self care doesnt include going to the gym or running, but it definitely does include the odd hike. If running is all youre doing for self care I can see why youd be so stressed!

Damn, I'm screwed then, because that's all I've been doing.

chucky: I too get complacent sometimes. Something that works well for me is to read my old journals and think about the mindstate I had before recovery, in early recovery, and now. It really puts things in perspective for me, and keeps just how bad it was fresh in my mind.
I like the idea of talking to your therapist about it, and I am glad you came here and posted before you did anything rash.
@cj: That is what I am always saying. Sobriety does not equal abstinence and vice versa.

Yeap, I do that from time to time. Actually I went back the other night, when I thinking about going out. Reading about my spiral into addiction and how I had to pull myself back up. However, I can see now that it had a different effect. Like before when I would read it early on in my sobriety, I would be like “Damn, I never want to go back there.” Now I’m like, I don’t think that will happen this time, I think I will be able to be more responsible. I’m not sure what would really happen, but I know I would definitely be more cautious and careful. Kind of like rationalizing the possibility of going back out in a way.

 

[cj]

What drug where you addicted to if you don't mind me asking?