Mental Health So depressed I dont know what to do with myself, I need advice.

[m00nlight]

I'm only 18 and recently graduated high school so luckily I have time to improve myself, but right now I dont know what to do. I posted earlier about my drug cravings and stuff. But I'll briefly touch on that. I abused drugs and alcohol through high school every day and over the summer I went to a shelter home and a psych hospital for various reasons and I was extremely depressed and angry without drugs. Drugs were the only thing that took that away and now I have nothing to fucking help me.
I lost my friends when I went away to the shelter, now I have no one there for me. No one congratulated me on getting clean. Nothing. And at that point I couldn't congratulate or be hopeful for myself. I also have lost all of my interests and joy in life. I was like this before, except now I dont have drugs to ease the pain (Ill get kicked out if I use again) and I dont have real friends. I never hang out with anyone. I go to school and Im looking for a job but between that time I have nothing to do. When I try to create something I just hate it and it makes me even more pissed off. I feel hopeless and pissed at everyone and to be honest I find myself wishing so many people were dead because I feel like they are such pathetic assholes lol. I've also been bulimic for two years, and I'm not even fat at all. I never have been, I can see my ribs for fucks sake. I dont even binge eat, I just throw up and hate eating and the feeling of food, it doesnt even have anything to do with my physical appearance. I do take mood stabilizers to manage, because before I started them I was super impulsive, mixing drugs, cutting myself, getting in fights, ruining relationships, etc. I don't necessarily hate myself, I'm confident in my appearance and personality and such. It's more the external world that bothers me along with my clinical illness. There's too much injustice, too many fake people, a society driven by sex and money and greed. I've never had a real friend before or someone who was actually there for me. And now I dont even have anyone to go out with and socailize or do anything. I drive people away because I can never trust them, all they've ever done is let me down when I was a good friend, always supportive, etc. I dated a manipulative guy all through high school who controlled me with guilt and pity for him. He was 10 years older than me, and at the time I didn't understand what was so bad about that, but now I realize he has ruined the last bit of faith I had in people to be good, to be trustworthy. I don't feel like things are ever going to improve, and I find it hard to give a fuck about anything. I really, really need advice, experience, something, anything, from someone who has been in this place before.

 

[jammin83]

just keep that head up and don't let the BS keep you down.

Ive been depressed for almost twenty years now. I used to want to kill myself and still deal with the thoughts but i think ive moved on from the trap that is suicidal ideation. you may get passed your depression, you may not, find the root, and cut it out if you can. otherwise stick life out, its not so bad, even after a long battle with depression, i find my life is worth living and i am beginning to feel happy in spite of my issues. don't let yourself or anyone ever tell you your life isn't worth living. don't ever give up, no matter what. keep pushing, you only beat this thing with heart and you can beat it. you have to think outside the box. people will try to put you in a box and tell you who you are. we decide our destiny, not the insane world around us.

first thing you need to do is ditch the validation efforts. no one really cares that much about what you are going through, sure a little, but in this crazy world everyone is depressed except the crazies that don't understand the world. don't mean to sound harsh, but we have to get used to the fact that its a cold world out there. you can handle it without me sugar coating it...i think. sugar coating and being 'nice' cause huge problems in the world. be tough, be strong. forget friends, you don't need them, but a few close people that are positive influences in your life are key, but ultimately, you need to be self-sufficient. you need something greater than people can offer you. people will let you down again and again. they are just people after all.

the world seems like a hopeless place. there is nothing wrong with you for thinking that way. you are one of the sane, congratulations! promiscuity, sex, drugs, money, have little to offer you besides more emptiness. ive been down that road and there aint anything there that you want in your life.

keep yourself busy, work hard, do what you need to do, keep your life in order. get a job, no matter how menial it seems, work hard at it. learn skills. learn to rely on yourself. battle your depression every day and believe that you will beat it. know that people generally suck and don't let it get you down. learn everything that comes across your path, but be critical of it. lots of what we are told is going to be brainwashing BS but it will help you to get a better job. be critical of what you learn and don't accept things you are told as truth. its complicated, but most people will lie to you. its the world we live in.

avoid the psych drugs, its a futile endeavor. im going to get flac from the medbots for saying this, but keep your brain in order. its what you have to make sense of the world. psych drugs destroy your brain and can create permanent anxiety/depression/schizo feelings even if you never had that before. they aren't what you are looking for. i have severe brain damage from taking an AP for depression. now i have a lot of issues that take a lot strength to deal with. if i could go back to just being like you and depressed because the world sucks, I would do that. life would be easy if it were that way. don't listen to anyone that tells you need this crap. you don't. preserve your mind, and preserve your body. its what we have. don't take that for granted and I could care less what anyone thinks of me for telling you this. Do NOT take this crap, you may never come back. Im traumatized from these meds and it makes my life HARD. most couldn't deal with the things that I have to deal with. its not worth it. psychiatry is a pseudoscience and a huge scam. dont let the 'studies and science' crowd tell you that it is that way. the studies are fraudulent and not REAL science. aint nothing wrong with your receptors. theyre fine. life causes chemical imbalances, as well as the poison we are fed on a daily basis. watch what you eat and what you consume, those ingredients in those snacks you eat might be the source of your problems. you have to have balance in your life and watch what you are putting into your body.

im assuming you have a big giant hole inside of you, right? we all do, only one thing fits that hole IMO, and that is God, the real, one true God and I am a pretty non religious guy. religion is man made, spirituality is real. you have to forget all this stuff that people are telling you and make your own path. think for yourself and don't be sucked into 'doing what you are supposed to do'. The world is celebrating its demise, you have to go the opposite direction. you are not defined by what you do. its only a small part. being successful is pretty hugely overrated. find somebody to love and somebody to grow with. its a process, but should help you make sense of things.

its a tough time be alive, most people are struggling. try not to view yourself as broken.i assure you, you are not. you are okay, and life is hard. time to let go of being coddled and make your path. you have what it takes to figure this out. it may be a challenge, but something you can overcome. don't let it get you down. its all part of a greater plan. you have a purpose and a destiny, its your job to fulfill it. be strong and keep pushing, being 18 sucks. im in my 30s and really starting to come around and it feels pretty good. im content and pretty darn OK after all these years. it was a lot pain, but most was from my own stupidity. dont be a dumb ass bc you are depressed. its something to overcome, not something that victimizes you.

feel free to drop me a PM if you need anything. i don't post often anymore, but im available for somebody that needs something.

be good, life is complicated, esp when you are 18.

cheers.

 

[m00nlight]

thank you I should also mention that my depression is clinical and its genetic, and yeah the drugs made it worse lol but I still miss getting high. but these circumstances just make it worse. And when I say I have no friends I literally mean no friends, like no one to go out and do anything with, to socialize with, nothing, nada, zilch. I'm on mood stabilizers because without them I'm literally crazy, getting in fights, super impulsive, abusing and mixing drugs, cutting myself, and throwing up my food so I need meds at this point to keep me from going over the edge again and ending up in another hospital:/ Thank you though, the advice means a lot and I'm really glad to hear you're doing better than before.

 

[deadendgame]

Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you. Life is a really horrible thing in my opinion. You are 18 now, so it is predicted that you will live 60-70 years more. So, on the surface, you may be going through some stuff now, but there is actually several decades more of this bullshit. Clearly God is not done fucking with you yet if that is what you believe in. You see, in the beginning, your life starts out good, because your parents provide everything for you: food, shelter, medical, etc. But once you reach 18, these problems are problems you now have to worry about. Now you have to obtain these resources on your own and let me tell you something, that is really hard to do in America. You see, in the early days, you didn't have to do much because land and resources were abundant enough for every living being. That is not true in today's world. In today's world, natural resources are scarce and tightly controlled by the government. In order to gain access to even the most fundamental resources such as food, water, etc, it has to be bought with money. You have to find a way to make other peoples' money in order to gain access to the resources you need. Living space is also limited and has to be rented/bought with money. I say rent because most people cannot purchase their own plot of land for themselves. They have to pay to "borrow" someone else's land for a certain length of time. You have to have some kind of skill to survive in this age. You have to be good enough to make other peoples' money. What I'm trying to say is, friends are a sort of monetary transaction. If someone helps you, they expect to be paid back a favor in the future, and if you don't pay them back, then you lack credit and they will cut you off. This may be the source of your problem and this is the way friendship is nowadays because this is the world's situation. You can see now why everyone is greedy and is not willing to help you. What I usually find though is that Christian communities are usually more forgiving when it comes to friendship in that they will help you out when you need it as long as you are in their friend circle. As much as I don't get along with Christians, I feel that this is one thing that separates them from other people in that they try to be more accepting of everyone. I'm not trying to push Christianity on you, but I'm saying that if you are looking for friends, try joining a Church organization or something. Also, if you are not in school or at work, it will be extremely difficult to make any friends. The few years I wasn't working or in school, I too felt a kind of depression like you because you can't make any friends sitting your ass at home!! I went through what you went through before and this is just a snapshot of how your life is right now. It can get much worse.

 

[jammin83]

just know that you are greater than the circumstances that surround you. it may seem like that brain of yours is indestructible, but its not. you can come undone when you try and let these things go. i sure did. lol.

making a friend is easy. you just have to be real with people. people that are genuine, will accept you as you are. you just have to make that first step once in a while. try to make a real connection with someone, there are good people out there. just make your life one that you want to live.

I don't mean to be condescending about the meds. i still have to take one, because i am pretty dependent on it. but they aren't the answer, only a tool. it can take many years to untangle the web that is meds. we may not always have that luxury. if you were ripped off your meds tomorrow, would you be ok? that's something to consider. they may not always be there. we have to learn to deal without.

genetic and clinical depression aren't what you are. i am sure some of mine is just part of my personality. i am a super critical guy bordering on being super negative lol is what it is. don't put faith in labels. you aren't a label or a walking diagnosis and tbh, some of these diagnoses will make you suicidal. look beyond that, bc i believe you can beat it. but if its helping you, than i don't mean to discourage you. we all have things that we are taking, doing, etc. just realize that your brain has limits, and these are limits that many shrinks have a sub par understanding of. you do not want to destabilize your nervous system, bc they won't be able to help you once you do. plenty of docs are idiots in spite of their diplomas.

just realize that you may be going down a dead end. sometimes we have to open doors for ourselves. keep that mind open to other things besides standard treatments.

 

[m00nlight]

thaanks man.

I think the people thing has a lot to do with my area tbh. But yeah I agree, I'm not a walking mass of mental illness haha.