m00nlight
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Sep 26, 2016
- Messages
- 28
I'm only 18 and recently graduated high school so luckily I have time to improve myself, but right now I dont know what to do. I posted earlier about my drug cravings and stuff. But I'll briefly touch on that. I abused drugs and alcohol through high school every day and over the summer I went to a shelter home and a psych hospital for various reasons and I was extremely depressed and angry without drugs. Drugs were the only thing that took that away and now I have nothing to fucking help me.
I lost my friends when I went away to the shelter, now I have no one there for me. No one congratulated me on getting clean. Nothing. And at that point I couldn't congratulate or be hopeful for myself. I also have lost all of my interests and joy in life. I was like this before, except now I dont have drugs to ease the pain (Ill get kicked out if I use again) and I dont have real friends. I never hang out with anyone. I go to school and Im looking for a job but between that time I have nothing to do. When I try to create something I just hate it and it makes me even more pissed off. I feel hopeless and pissed at everyone and to be honest I find myself wishing so many people were dead because I feel like they are such pathetic assholes lol. I've also been bulimic for two years, and I'm not even fat at all. I never have been, I can see my ribs for fucks sake. I dont even binge eat, I just throw up and hate eating and the feeling of food, it doesnt even have anything to do with my physical appearance. I do take mood stabilizers to manage, because before I started them I was super impulsive, mixing drugs, cutting myself, getting in fights, ruining relationships, etc. I don't necessarily hate myself, I'm confident in my appearance and personality and such. It's more the external world that bothers me along with my clinical illness. There's too much injustice, too many fake people, a society driven by sex and money and greed. I've never had a real friend before or someone who was actually there for me. And now I dont even have anyone to go out with and socailize or do anything. I drive people away because I can never trust them, all they've ever done is let me down when I was a good friend, always supportive, etc. I dated a manipulative guy all through high school who controlled me with guilt and pity for him. He was 10 years older than me, and at the time I didn't understand what was so bad about that, but now I realize he has ruined the last bit of faith I had in people to be good, to be trustworthy. I don't feel like things are ever going to improve, and I find it hard to give a fuck about anything. I really, really need advice, experience, something, anything, from someone who has been in this place before.
I lost my friends when I went away to the shelter, now I have no one there for me. No one congratulated me on getting clean. Nothing. And at that point I couldn't congratulate or be hopeful for myself. I also have lost all of my interests and joy in life. I was like this before, except now I dont have drugs to ease the pain (Ill get kicked out if I use again) and I dont have real friends. I never hang out with anyone. I go to school and Im looking for a job but between that time I have nothing to do. When I try to create something I just hate it and it makes me even more pissed off. I feel hopeless and pissed at everyone and to be honest I find myself wishing so many people were dead because I feel like they are such pathetic assholes lol. I've also been bulimic for two years, and I'm not even fat at all. I never have been, I can see my ribs for fucks sake. I dont even binge eat, I just throw up and hate eating and the feeling of food, it doesnt even have anything to do with my physical appearance. I do take mood stabilizers to manage, because before I started them I was super impulsive, mixing drugs, cutting myself, getting in fights, ruining relationships, etc. I don't necessarily hate myself, I'm confident in my appearance and personality and such. It's more the external world that bothers me along with my clinical illness. There's too much injustice, too many fake people, a society driven by sex and money and greed. I've never had a real friend before or someone who was actually there for me. And now I dont even have anyone to go out with and socailize or do anything. I drive people away because I can never trust them, all they've ever done is let me down when I was a good friend, always supportive, etc. I dated a manipulative guy all through high school who controlled me with guilt and pity for him. He was 10 years older than me, and at the time I didn't understand what was so bad about that, but now I realize he has ruined the last bit of faith I had in people to be good, to be trustworthy. I don't feel like things are ever going to improve, and I find it hard to give a fuck about anything. I really, really need advice, experience, something, anything, from someone who has been in this place before.
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