she's still not over her ex?

[hexagram]

so I've been with this girl about a month now, was seeing her for a little longer before that.

I met her just before easter, when we hooked up at a club. This happened two weeks in a row, but a few days after the second time she told me she didn't want to take it further and she felt bad because she still wasn't over her ex.

Fair enough, whatever. I was a bit upset, but yeah. She went home for easter and I got over it. (we're uni students)

She comes home after an unsuccessful attempt to get back with him. She calls me a few weeks after she got back, tells me she's over him, and we hook up again, then we start seeing each other. We seem to have fun together, we always have a laugh when we meet up, she doesn't talk about her ex much and it seems to be going ok. About a month later she says she wants to make it official, she really likes me, etc, and we do.

But this last week or so, she just seems to have gone right back to how she was again. Weirdly enough, it's a similar sort of time as last time- summer is nearly here and she's about to go home. She hasn't told me explicitly, but she talks about him much more again, she keeps coming out with random bitter statements about their relationship, seems angrier and sadder about it. For the past week her blog has been filled with shit like ' your the reason I don't believe in love anymore' and ' two people can fall in love but not be together' and pictures of things with phrases like 'I still like you' on them and stuff.

Is she just getting sentimental cause she's going home again? she didn't seem bothered at all really until a week ago. or is she still not over him?

To be honest I'm getting a bit pissed off. Really, she was with him for 8 months, half of them she was in a different city or country, and they've been broken up for six months now. It's getting a bit silly, and it's unfair on me. But idk, people are complicated, and she could still like me even if she's still a bit broken up about her ex, or she could just be getting sentimental. She told me the night we made it offical she would rather be with me than him but obviously that could quite eaisly be bollocks.

Cheers for the help anyway.

 

[llama112]

That would annoy me too, for sure. Have you talked to her, in depth, about it? How YOU are feeling? Maybe she's so wrapped up in her own feelings that she actually hasn't considered how you'd feel about it all.

I can't tell you if she's still not over him or if she's just bitter about whatever happened, or if she's just "reliving the good times" or whatever. Either way, she's with you now. I understand that talking about your exes comes up but it shouldn't be overly excessive.

She obviously does like you, but it's confusing with the ex. If she's not completely over him yet, I would suggest taking it slow. Don't worry about labels and all that. Just take it slow, don't get too serious with her. She has to choose at some point and she can't just keep going back to her ex whenever she is feeling sentimental.

 

[Chipping Away]

Seems like she got really attached for 4 months of being together.She might just be going through the stages and she is finally dealing with the last set of feelings. It's not right that you have to go through this. This is easy for me to say, because I'm near 40 and have been through a lot of this crap. After dealing with BS like this you learn to recognize it very early on and are able to GTFO.

Sounds hard now, your young and you think she could be the one. Believe me if she's this hung up on it than she may have some mental issues and that will not translate to your relationship very well.

I would back off and leave her alone. See what happens.

 

[Mysterie]

how old are you guys?

she doesn't seem very emotionally mature if she is still having trouble getting over this guy, but so long as it doesn't interfere with your relationship in a way that puts you off in a big way or makes you uncomfortable, then I don't see anything wrong with just seeing where this whole situation goes.

if your both very young then its unlikely that your relationship will last forever so you could try and enjoy the time you spend together (that is if the time you spend together is enjoyable?)

thats just what I would do, I can see where the girl is coming from, because its easy to form a deep infatuation for someone and let that be the 'cause' of her sorrow, what it really is from my perspective is that she is not comfortable in her own self, and she is putting the 'ex-bf' label on that melancholy

also you dont need to get angry at her, and definitely dont think being passive aggressive or anything will help the situation, time is a great healer of wounds and so is genuine love, do you think she is blindsiding you and just using you as a back-up? I cant really give feedback as to how you could ascertain that

 

[lola]

OP, have you told her how this makes you feel? As llama112 said, it might be that she's so wrapped up in her own bitterness/hurt about it that it simply hasn't occurred to her to consider your feelings. Selfish, I know, but happens to us all from time to time. Perhaps you can try following the lines of non-aggressive communication - something like:

It seems to me like you're thinking about your ex a lot now that you're going back to where he lives and you're writing a lot about him in your blog.

It makes me feel like you care about him still, and even sometimes like you care about losing him more than you do about having me.

I need to feel that, if we're together, you really care about me and value me and that my feelings are important to you.

I request that you consider my feelings in this situation, give me reassurance that I'm the one you want to be with. I'm happy to support you when you're getting over your ex but the way you're going about it is upsetting me.

Obviously, you wouldn't say it in such a formal way, but as a template it's a good way to explain what you're going through, taking responsibility for your own feelings but still asking the other person to give you what you need and to be considerate.

 

[hexagram]

nah, i think I've had enough now. Was feeling good today then I just saw her post some picture with 'whatever we had, can we have it back?' written on it.

I've just had enough now, it's a bit headfucky that she was the one who wanted to make it official yet she clearly isn't over her ex. I refuse to be some second best compromise.

It's a real shame cause she was honestly super attractive, great fun and really cool. There's pretty much no girls i've met recently who I like as much as her, but I'm getting a bit fed up of this.

 

[lola]

^sorry to hear. That's just fucking disrespectful and rude.

You'll find a girl who will love you properly and who will be cool and fun and sexy. You deserve more

 

[Noodle]

shame really

that technology leaves us tethered to another that is far off and really unavailable

suppose that is a murphys law 21st century wireless style

...noodlism...

 

[kytnism]

im so sorry OP

if you ever need/want to vent, dont let this thread be a stranger. the support network in SLR is a warm and loving one.

...kytnism...

 

[Noodle]

move on I say man

MOVE on

there are oodles of doodles with that same affliction

and maybe one more philly that aint silly, and into you

for all that is worth

 

[footscrazy]

nah, i think I've had enough now. Was feeling good today then I just saw her post some picture with 'whatever we had, can we have it back?' written on it.

I've just had enough now, it's a bit headfucky that she was the one who wanted to make it official yet she clearly isn't over her ex. I refuse to be some second best compromise.

I think that's a good choice, to move on. I also think it could be important to actually tell her directly that you no longer want to continue the relationship, and the reason why. Not in a mean way, but I think she does need to know that it's not on to treat someone this way. Something like what you said would be good - that you refuse to be a second best compromise.

It does sound like she has kept you around selfishly, because she wants someone around, and has mislead you into thinking your relationship is meaningful, when in reality, it unfortunately sounds like the only reason she's with you is because she can't be with the guy she really wants. But as soon as she thinks it becomes a little more likely that she'll be able to get him back - like when she's going back to his area - she puts her efforts into him. It's not cool for someone to do that. I don't necessarily think she's done it to be consciously mean, but it is at least very immature and disrespectful to be writing the kind of comments you've mentioned on her blog.

This does seem to be a case of - it's her, not you. I do think that ending the relationship and telling her simply you won't be treated this way will make you feel better, and hopefully open her eyes to the selfishness of her behaviour.

 

[Mariposa]

. I refuse to be some second best compromise.

This. Thank you for saying this.

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.” ― Mark Twain

It's important to know that your partner isn't hung up on someone else, whether it be a dream or an ex. I suggest that you concentrate on your uni studies and your friendships while being open to meeting someone who will make you feel giddy and ecstatic rather than nervous and hostile. The great thing about being in school and having friends is that you get to meet other people who share your values. Who knows... one of those people you meet as you concentrate on your future might be instrumental in creating a future together.

 

[purpleprincess]

Well, not that you need to hear it at this point, but dumping the bitch is the right thing. The stuff you said about the blog made me cringe a bit. Not being over an ex is something that most people go through, but stringing someone else along and disrespecting them is vile and uncalled for. If her ex doesn't want her back then she should just be alone and sort her feelings out.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Confront her about the posts... I mean, you're not stupid. She'll probably deny it but break up with her anyways. I mean, you can't really have a successful relationship when she's clearly not over her ex. Also, the sudden onset could be because he texted her or posted something that triggered something. Or it could be just the fact that she saw someone or something happened to make her miss him again. No one wants to be the rebound but sometimes you get the short straw.