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sexual misconduct, buddhism and gay culture

tantric

tantric

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 2, 2004
Messages
867
buddhists are enjoined to avoid 'sexual misconduct', which seems to mean different things in different cultures. i'm having some difficulty adapting that to how life works as a gay man. mostly i go by the fourteen precepts of engaged buddhism, which has this to say:

Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only an instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realisation of the Way. (For brothers and sisters who are not monks and nuns Sexual expression should not take place without love and commitment. In sexual relations, be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.
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after a long dry spell, i broke down and agreed to a hookup. didn't go well - i couldn't go through with it. despite this being a couple with a rugged dominant older guy and cute, younger sub, and them wanting me in the middle. this may make no sense to straight folk, but for a complicated guy like me, being able to be dominant and submissive at the same time is just intoxicating, like leaning against a cold stone wall on a hot summer day. when i feel something like that, then the next day its just gone, it fuckin hurts. either casual sex isn't fun cause i'm not into it, or i'm into it and it sucks when it gets yanked away. and no, it *never* turns into a friendship.

so i changed my profiles to say i don't do casual sex. i'm 42, i may never get laid again. thoughts?
 
okay, so lots of y'all read this, and i have an exhibitionist streak. this is what i changed my profile to:

i don't do casual sex. i really am tantric and when i give you my cum, there will always be a piece of me with you, so i need to respect and trust you before that happens. also, i been through some hard shit in my life, including prison. don't be shocked, but don't ask me about prison sex, either. i also been in a phd program studying ecology and epidemiology, so i can talk educated, standard english, but when i speak from my heart, it don't sound like that, so when you hear me talkin shit, consider it a good sign. peace, y'all.

for the dominant guys: i'm not a submissive person and being in prison taught me that while i may get fucked from time to time, i'm nobody's bitch. i've been dominated twice in my life, both short term relationships less than a few months, and that was before prison. i liked it - one guy was big brotherish, the other hardcore who once backhanded me when i choked on his cock and tried to pull back. it was hot. but these days, i got issues with authority and men who presume to have it over me. you pat me on the head, you will likely draw back a bloody stump. i do want to find a man i can serve, but when i do, it will because you are flat out a better man than me. i know that if and when i accept you in that role, it'll be my instinct to obey you, and i'm gonna make damn sure i trust you first. also, i don't get shared. if i accept you, you're the only man on this green earth who gets that. i'm not your bitch or slave or boi, you're the superhero, i'm the sidekick. if that appeals to you, if you're tired of men who stick their butts up in the air for anyone who passes by like a purple-assed baboon, drop me a line. no offense to those guys, but its not my thing

for the subs and bottoms: that's all good with me. i like being aggressive, especially if you're attractive in that way and like being my chewtoy. but i can't respect weak men. being a bit fem with some fur is hot to me. but still, as above, only this time i'm the superhero, you're the sidekick.

for the vers guys and the middles like me: for me, sex without power and control is like a cig without nicotine, not that i smoke. it just doesn't do it for me, even though i can do it and enjoy it. if you're vers and you understand that there's always going to be a subtle struggle for dominance between us, well, that's not just hot, that's smokin' hot (haha).
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oh, my, i've been having so much fun. for the curious straight folk, on these chat sites, which is basically where many if not most gay men make friends and talk with them, it is considered appropriate to introduce yourself to a new person by unlocking your x-pics, with no message attached. yep, straight the fuck up bonobo shit. you say hi by flashing your junk. i don't get much out of porn, but the other day i caught a glimpse and was hooked - a guy with a fantastic lopsided grin, wicked mischievous eyes...and then the camera when back to the naughty bits and i was pissed. but now, i don't even have x pics online to unlock. we gone talk for days fore you see that shit, then we're gonna be kids again, i show you mine, you show me yours. there's actually an element of seduction. SO MUCH BETTER.

fuck free love. i hereby declare tantric's first principle of sexual desire: THAT WHICH IS FREELY GIVEN IS WORTHLESS; THAT WHICH IS HARD EARNED IS PRICELESS.
 
It seems like that's a good direction to go in based on what you wrote.

I like Buddhist ideas a lot and my view of sex is that it's really something kind of sacred, it exchanges karma so it's important to already have a really gd relationship with who ur having sex with. LTR and monogamy, that's my belief I suppose.

That's just my subjective opinion though and my personality is where I need a deep emotional bond to be attracted to someone. But it would be different for everyone.
 
well, thanks, y'all. i'm very pleased. plus, this is a guy thing, i no longer have this must-get-laid thing going on in the back of my head. it's very liberating. i understand the point of the precept now, and its very rewarding. fyi i'm considering going with baseball rules about dating - third date, third base. not only do i enjoy thinking like this, apparently my principle of desire works both ways, as it seems to make me more attractive (and lord buddha knows i could use a boost).

i don't need a bond to be attracted to someone, i need it to enjoy sex. i get off on feedback - i'm watching my lover's face. i want to give him exactly what he needs, even if he doesn't know it or can't ask for it. when i can have that connection, that's time for tantra, and i honestly don't care if i cum. plus i'm likely to have half a bottle of robotussin in my system, and while it does nothing to inhibit erections, it can make it impossible to cross the orgasm line. it should be possible to tailor a dissociative for just that, actually....
 
I'm bisexual and I've had a few hook ups in the past but after bad experiences with having sex with strangers I no longer have them, or want to have them with women or men.

Get rid of the hook up apps like Grindr, etc. and you wrote about being on bear411 ignore the people who message you asking for hook ups who don't read your profile.

While it can be difficult to do this meet people who are more interested in dating and having a relationship.
 
its so hard to meet people looking for relationships.

open relationship couples already bored of each other like to come onto a lot of men on these apps.
 
pofacedhoe said:
its so hard to meet people looking for relationships.

open relationship couples already bored of each other like to come onto a lot of men on these apps.
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LOL, open relationship couples, and men looking to cheat also do that in bars, and dance clubs.

With my first ex he and I had an open relationship but it was not because we were bored of each other; but it was because of other issues, and it was what he wanted when we first started dating and having a relationship.
 
Well-written post. I think more people out there want what you want than you think; perhaps you need to explore some different options for locating these people? Obviously certain apps are only going to cater to the hookup crowd. You might have better luck on an app that isn’t even centered around dating, but on finding people with mutual interests.
 
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