It ended. On Christmas he ditched me, did a bunch of MDMA with his ex and they had a lot of sex and intimacy together that I was denied. His ex will never love him but he "had to do it" and claims the experience was healing.
Anyway, I ended the relationship. Well, correction, I ended it because he didn't have the guts to. Been fucked up about it ever since even though I know I treated him well. He has such low self esteem and self loathing that commitment scared him away. He claimed in the end that I felt more like a friend and a brother to him, but it's just a cop out. Once the infatuation phase ended he was not able to carry a commitment forward, and conveniently abandoned all our agreements.
He can't face an authentic way of living so he was not able to avail himself of the golden opportunity he had to transform himself in the presence of a loving, caring, high values healer. My mistake was giving too much and thinking that martyrdom would save the relationship.
People like him need relationships to be shorter and intense because they can ride the high of the initial lust and then get out before the need to get real sinks in. He's an addict so that's his modus operandi. Unfortunately he skillfully displayed all the traits of exactly what I wanted in a partner which made me switch into long term partner mode and by the time things were breaking down on his end, all my defenses were down and I was completely vulnerable. He told me to my face on more than one occasion that I was the man of his dreams, that he had prayed for a high integrity healer to enter his life, someone loving and genuine. I opened myself up to him, and in the end he couldn't walk through the door that he himself opened. He's a user, and he went as far as he could until his old patterns surfaced. I blame myself for working so hard to raise him up, only to end up lowering myself. I am worth so much more than what happened in the end -- the level of dishonor was nothing short of epic. Last time we spoke he claimed he still loved me, and that may be true, but he has too many issues thst prevent him from living from a loving place within himself. And I fell for something that I thought was quite the opposite.
That he would run back to his ex who showed him nothing but unrequited love for the 5 years they were together is nothing short of borderline and the sign of a disturbed person. Not to mention, shortly after our breakup he was ready to become friends again right away, requesting all the material benefits we both shared as partners, assuming he could get more out of me as a friend... yet not really acknowledging my extreme level of grief and sorrow. So while he was busy cheating on me and betrayibg me in the worst way and at the worst possible time, I was learning sexual healing techniques from a therapist to try and help him. What an idiot I am, I did way too much.
I know this shit is mostly his fault and I know where I went horribly wrong, but when that relationship ended a piece of me died. It has triggered major anxiety and depression, and a flare up of crohns and colitis. I'm in the hospital on dilaudid and my entire life is in ruins -- all because I entrusted my heart, my future, my hopes and dreams to someone who was conning himself and me as a result.
Good Luck
