Sexless partnerships

[Foreigner]

In a nutshell, my partner is a sexual abuse survivor. He's had more than one relationship that turned to rape. Suffice it to say, he is sexually fucked up.

We've been in a loving relationship together for about 6 months now and we're committed. I was aware of his past from the start and we agreed to proceed with sex in a highly conscious, respectful manner. However, sex for him is not getting better. It's an act that he dreads. We've combed over this issue thoroughly and although we both understand the source of his problems, we are both helpless to change it. The pressure of sex hanging over him is enough to send him into spiraling anxiety, so we have mutually agreed to put sex on hold.

So... in effect, I'm in a celibate relationship right now. I'm being asked to wait, perhaps indefinitely, for him to work through this before we can really get it on again. We don't think it'll be forever, but "indefinitely" is quite gulp-worthy.

I'm left with limited options. I can decide that a sexless partnership is not an option and break up with him. I know to everyone else it seems like an obvious choice, but I feel loyalty to this person and I'm not ready to give up just like that.

The second option is to stay with him, but have an open partnership where I can have sex with others outside of the relationship. This is really hard for me because I'm the monogamous type. Usually in relationships I'm the one being paranoid about whether my partner is cheating, and now I'm being granted a reprieve to basically "cheat" for the sake of sexual sanity. Problem is, it's not just sex that I want, but sex with my partner. I don't think I'll feel fulfilled with strangers, knowing that I really do love someone else.

This is really causing a lot of heartache, and it's not the first time I've been with a partner that withholds sex. I don't know how/why I attract these people, but I do. I've confirmed that it has nothing to do with me specifically -- i.e. my technique, demeanor, level of attractiveness. Men and women show sexual interest in me often. The problem is my partner, his history, and his triggers. He has expressed feelings of unworthiness, especially in the attractiveness department. No matter how many times I tell him I think he's hot, he just doesn't believe it -- he doesn't believe that anyone could be genuinely into him.

Another aspect to this which he denies is true but I really suspect is that because he has had such a history of abuse, that sex must have some kind of rough / rape / forced aspect, even if just an act, in order to really turn him on. And I'm just not capable of doing that. I'm not as big of a turn on because I'm a 'nice guy' that shows love, respect, honour and integrity. His past relationships where he was passionately into the other person was when they basically didn't want him and expressed relationship ambiguity. In other words, if they don't want him, he wants them more. If they want him, he loses interest.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with society when people are turned off by those who treat them decently, and are attracted to those who treat them like utter shit or are ambivalent about committing?

Advice is appreciated. It's kind of a "can't stay, can't go" situation. He needs to get better and I need to sexually connect, and I'm not sure how to facilitate either.

 

[8ft-Sativa]

Nuts! .... I mean that's some deep stuff. It's the kind off scenario I would only entrust with a qualified relationship therapist.

I hope you get some decent advice ... All I'm saying is this is a tough, tough scenario. I can tell you really love him though.

I mean rape can the the most insanely traumatic experience especially when you're young. I'm not sure most of us could even remotely fathom the mental damage.

 

[Mysterie]

my thought would be to either stay in the relationship, with the knowledge that you love the person deeply, and that they are putting in a lot of effort to work with their past trauma. (maybe psychotherapy / meditation / or something?)

or, perhaps stay friends (if such a thing is possible), and pursue sex elsewhere, until he lets you know that he is able to be sexually active again.

 

[cybergollum]

Since we are on drug forum... what about drugs (empathy and/or sex enhancers; or maybe some psychedelics for psychological rework of bad memories)? Far in the past I read some papers about complex situations and treatment with MDMA, couldn't this work somehow with your problem?

 

[Beachcat]

Wow, what a tough situation. Is he willing to work on the problem by going into some sort of therapy? I think if I was in this situation, as long as my partner was willing to actively work through it, then I would be able to commit to staying and supporting him. Ultimately you will have to look hard at the big picture..ie is this relationship sustainable while your needs are not being met? I know that we can't expect our partners to fulfill each and every one of our needs, but sex is more than just a need IMO..it is a basic drive within us. I think you could work it all out, but it sounds like his phobias go so deep and are co mingled with trauma that he really needs to seek professional help to deal with it.

 

[goodcall]

You love him then stay and try to help him recover. Have you tried starting it off easy? you know...first second third base.

 

[Foreigner]

Since we are on drug forum... what about drugs (empathy and/or sex enhancers; or maybe some psychedelics for psychological rework of bad memories)? Far in the past I read some papers about complex situations and treatment with MDMA, couldn't this work somehow with your problem?

When he's on MDMA all he wants to do is have passionate sex, but to me this is all an illusion. It brings us closer and then he defaults back to not wanting it. I've explored the idea of using MDMA as a therapeutic tool for this, but MDMA wrecks me for weeks after taking it.

Wow, what a tough situation. Is he willing to work on the problem by going into some sort of therapy? I think if I was in this situation, as long as my partner was willing to actively work through it, then I would be able to commit to staying and supporting him. Ultimately you will have to look hard at the big picture..ie is this relationship sustainable while your needs are not being met? I know that we can't expect our partners to fulfill each and every one of our needs, but sex is more than just a need IMO..it is a basic drive within us. I think you could work it all out, but it sounds like his phobias go so deep and are co mingled with trauma that he really needs to seek professional help to deal with it.

Yes... I think therapy needs to be mentioned. I don't think I can go on forever without my needs being met, and I agree that sex is more than just a need it's a basic way of connecting.

What's hard for me to process is that he has had wild sex in previous relationships, and now suddenly he's shut down. He claims that it's because his past traumas are now coming up, but seriously? After 6 months in you think he'd be more into it. I'm an assault survivor too but when I'm with someone I really trust I can do it.

 

[TacototheCloud]

OP - When did the abuse occur? Was it abuse that was sustained during his childhood, or did it happen later in his life?

Maybe he is just now becoming able to come to terms with what happened to him. Is it possible that you're the first partner he feels comfortable enough with to be open about the abuse? I sincerely hope he is open to talking to someone about the trauma he endured. I have a friend who was the victim of sexual abuse. She is in her late twenties and she is just now opening up to someone about what happened to her. She turned to drugs and alcohol to help her cope with the pain at first, but after she got sober and started talking to a therapist she started remembering a lot about what happened to her.

 

[Foreigner]

^ That's perceptive of you. Yes, I am the first partner he can talk openly about it with. That's why it's hard for him, I think.

Does this maybe mean that in his previous relationships where the sex was hot and heavy, he was just repressing? That's the part I don't get. Maybe I shouldn't have taken on the role of hearing about his past so much, but I did want to practice openness.

Either way, he definitely needs outside help.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Is this a male/male relationship? Not that it makes a difference, just wondering.

 

[Mysterie]

foreigner is a dude if that clarifies

 

[mabzie55]

I was in a sexless relationship with my girlfriend for about a year before we started seriously dating.

It was fine, but it wasn't for the same reasons as your situation.

But my advice is stick with it if you really care.

 

[fakeplastictrees4]

wow this is similar to what I'm going through right now. My girlfriend (I am also a woman) has absolutely no interest in sex. We have been together for over a year now and we tend to go through phases. Well...she is the one who goes through phases, I find that my sex drive is always about the same, and rarely ever am I not in the mood. Usually at first, the problem makes me feel as though she's unattracted to me , but then we'll talk about it, and she says it's purely that she has no desire for anyone at all. I think this usually happens when she's feeling less confident. I am in love with her, so I stick with the relationship...even if I wanted to break it off I couldn't. I keep telling myself to just have patience and talk to her about it. She's been doing too much MDMA lately and I think that has something to do with it honestly....

I've thought about the possibility of having another partner to meet my own sexual needs. But im along the same thoughts as you...I want to have sex with my partner, not just anyone... sometimes I notice when I stop showering my girlfriend with affection and basically just stop giving her much attention and focus on other things is when she comes on to me...it's pretty sad honestly.

Wish I could give you advice other than stick with it and hope that patience pays off.

 

[nuttynutskin]

Like I think someone already said, I guess my only advice would be for him to see a therapist.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

I wish i has a girl like you know, i know what he's going through I've never been abused but I think I'm
Not attractive when people tell me all time and had gf break up with
Me because I was to good looking for them >>and they couldn't figure out why i was with them and why i couldn't Cum

I think it's because I thought I was awkward at the time and looking in the mirror in the act turned me off plus I have been scared from porn

 

[Foreigner]

This is a male/male relationship, if that's relevant to people, though I don't think it's relevant.

sometimes I notice when I stop showering my girlfriend with affection and basically just stop giving her much attention and focus on other things is when she comes on to me...it's pretty sad honestly.

When I start pulling away he comes closer again, just like you're talking about. He admits that he's used to partners treating him like shit, and he doesn't know how to deal with someone who wants to love, adore, respect and protect him. It makes him uncomfortable and triggers all his feelings of low self-esteem. He has told me on more than one occasion that he just doesn't believe that anyone can genuinely find him attractive, and that he's accustomed to people just using him. The very act of kindness is what's turning him off. I find it sad and somewhat pathetic... that people in our society treat each other so badly that it has become the norm -- that to experience a genuine person and real love becomes a turn off. It is totally heart breaking and disillusioning, and makes me feel ashamed of myself for being a "nice guy".

Maybe if I treated people like garbage, I'd have a long term partner. I know, that's not logical at all, I should be grateful for who I am... but I've encountered this problem more than once. I'm physically attractive, people hit on me. Then they experience my loving personality and it repels them. I'm not clingy, attached, or anything... I just show people respect and authentic care for their reality. The state of the world is fucked... up is down, right is wrong, hate is love, freedom is slavery. I feel like I'm in some kind of twilight zone where people have forgotten what love is and I'm the only one around who maintains it. My relationship is a reflection of that. People want the bad boy who will fuck them like a rag doll and then tell them to get out in the morning; that's what seems to make people fall in love, the fact that they can't have someone. But if you bare yourself and give them soulful acknowledgment of their whole being, body and spirit, they can't run away fast enough.

I don't want to sleep with other people to meet a basic need that would take 20 minutes of effort with my actual love interest. But somehow this has become an insurmountable obstacle because I won't ignore him, act ambivalent, rape him in his sleep, talk to him like he's a sub-human, and all the other crap. I'm sorry for my intense words... I'm just so angry. How can two people fall in love and then this happens...? Why do people harden around their pain so much that they act like they can never move past it? It's like they forget their own fucking free will. I am so pissed. It's like... stop being such a fucking coward about your emotions and man up already. Fuck. I hate it when people act like they can't change when deep down they know they can, all because their pain has become their fucking comfort zone.

Wish I could give you advice other than stick with it and hope that patience pays off.

I'm sticking with it, because I'm foolishly committed now. I can't break my word. He has to end it because I won't. Isn't that just perfectly dysfunctional?

 

[FULLofSTARS]

He admits that he's used to partners treating him like shit, and he doesn't know how to deal with someone who wants to love, adore, respect and protect him. It makes him uncomfortable and triggers all his feelings of low self-esteem.

Once had a girlfriend like that. She dumped me because she said i was to good for her. When i demanded more explanation, she admitted that being treated like shit turned her on and she was bored with me. Felt out of place without a daily portion of drama and fighting. At first i was angry but then realized how fucked up she was and that there was no way she would be able to form anything resembling a happy relationship with that state of mind.

To me it seems like your partner has some serious problems that he should deal first with, before attempting to be in a relationship with anyone. If he's to weak to see it clearly or act, then it is your responsibility to do something about it.

Maybe if I treated people like garbage, I'd have a long term partner. I know, that's not logical at all, I should be grateful for who I am... but I've encountered this problem more than once. I'm physically attractive, people hit on me. Then they experience my loving personality and it repels them. I'm not clingy, attached, or anything... I just show people respect and authentic care for their reality. The state of the world is fucked... up is down, right is wrong, hate is love, freedom is slavery. I feel like I'm in some kind of twilight zone where people have forgotten what love is and I'm the only one around who maintains it. My relationship is a reflection of that. People want the bad boy who will fuck them like a rag doll and then tell them to get out in the morning; that's what seems to make people fall in love, the fact that they can't have someone. But if you bare yourself and give them soulful acknowledgment of their whole being, body and spirit, they can't run away fast enough.

Don't be so bitter dude. You can't fix all the fucked up people in the world. You can try to help them, but be sure to keep distance because if you don't, they will drag you down into their hole. In other words, maybe your partner needs a therapist and a lot of work on himself more, rather than a sexless guilt/self hate-ridden relationship that brings down both of you.

I'm sticking with it, because I'm foolishly committed now. I can't break my word. He has to end it because I won't. Isn't that just perfectly dysfunctional?

Yes it is. And yes, being committed to a relationship that is going nowhere can be really foolish. Sometimes changing your mind and breaking some promises is better than staying on a wrong course that hurts more than helps in a long run.

 

[Afoolinlove]

Hey, @foreigner - I HEAR YA. Check out my post on my sexless situation here - http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/738739-ISO-Empathy-in-dealing-with-chemical-impotence

Interestingly, I have had some experience with sexual abuse as a child. Its a tough situation. And many people do feel more comfortable in the pain (have you ever heard of BDSM?). Its hard to deal with because this trauma is part of their development as a person and becomes a part of their identity or ego. You might want to explore this website called "fetlife.com." Mostly people use it for meeting others and masturbation, but there are a lot of good groups dealing with the kind of issues you are facing. If this desire to be treated in this way is the ONLY thing that turns him on, maybe you guys could make it part of the "in the bedroom" fantasy part of your sex life and maintain your style of loving relationships as the "out of the bedroom" style. Sometimes channeling these energies into something helps a lot.

The other thing I highly recommend is taking the pressure of actual fucking out of it and just explore ideas, sensations, and other types of shit. Making sure sex is always fun and not pressure helps a whole lot.

 

[adder]

Honestly speaking, I used to have a warped attitude towards sex and sexuality in general after I fell for a girl when I was 14 and my feelings were not reciprocated. I began thinking that feeling something to a girl or wanting sex is bad because it would lead me to feeling diminished. Then I got addicted to opioids and benzodiazepines and for years it was getting worse and worse. I basically tried not to show anyone that I even liked them, although I've always had a great need for love and intimacy and seen sex as inextricably linked to feelings. I was trying to act as if I was the opposite. However, I never lost interest in sex, I simply wasn't the first one to initiate it because I feared a girl would think wrong of me. I always thought I would be healed once I would find a truly loving girl with as much need for love and sex as me but none of my relationships ended good for me and I was never truly happy. I rather changed my attitude through spiritual growth or however you'd call it. I simply realised that my past way of thinking was essentially wrong and was a result of trauma. I'm 24 now and while most of the guys at my age that I know still look for sex without relationship, all this time I've been dreaming about meeting a grown-up woman who would love a serious intense relationship just as I do. It's as if everything happened much sooner for me but as a teenager I simply couldn't find a girl who was ready for such a deep level of intimacy that I felt I needed and unfortunately it had terrible consequences for me and I basically ruined my youth.

After I quit methadone and then benzodiazepines, I began working with myself through self-hypnosis and meditation. I guess I got unlocked once I quit those drugs and I began rapidly learning stuff about myself and the world around me. Honestly, I've helped myself much much more than I think any therapist could ever help me no matter how open I would be. I've learned to respect myself and my needs, and I've realised there is nothing wrong with them. I can't imagine being in a relationship with a woman and not having sex at all because sex has always been a great way for me to show affection and deepen bonds, and I need a lot of it when I love a woman, so I perfectly understand how you may be feeling now.

It's not easy to talk to a stranger about problems related to sex and so deeply rooted inside you. Like I wrote, I believe I've helped myself more than any therapist could ever help me, so my advice is that you suggest your partner that he tries working with himself. It's actually beautiful that you can work together. He needs to see the big picture objectively as if from the outside and realise that bad past sexual experiences with other women shouldn't be reflected in his relationship with you, you are not any of those women, you are a unique person different from anyone else and he may truly be happy with you sharing love in every possible way including sex. I can't imagine a better opportunity for him because now he's in a relationship with a loving woman who wants to support him and it would be such a waste for him if he lost you and had to move on with his problems still unresolved. He needs to grow up in a way because seeking relationships with women who dominate and rule him emotionally is not a healthy behaviour at all and has a cause. Given all those ridiculous stereotypes about men and sex, I always dreamed about a girl who would understand my problems and not laugh at me, someone with whom I could simply be fully myself not fearing superficial judgement. He's already lucky with your attitude towards his problems.

Maybe if I treated people like garbage, I'd have a long term partner. I know, that's not logical at all, I should be grateful for who I am... but I've encountered this problem more than once. I'm physically attractive, people hit on me. Then they experience my loving personality and it repels them. I'm not clingy, attached, or anything... I just show people respect and authentic care for their reality. The state of the world is fucked... up is down, right is wrong, hate is love, freedom is slavery. I feel like I'm in some kind of twilight zone where people have forgotten what love is and I'm the only one around who maintains it. My relationship is a reflection of that. People want the bad boy who will fuck them like a rag doll and then tell them to get out in the morning; that's what seems to make people fall in love, the fact that they can't have someone. But if you bare yourself and give them soulful acknowledgment of their whole being, body and spirit, they can't run away fast enough.

My thoughts on this world exactly. I don't want to change and I won't because I know this is all not like it should be, the world has gone mad and not us, I can't even believe that I almost agreed to change only to fit. If I had done that, I wouldn't be myself any more. I've learnt to value myself for who I am instead and you should value yourself too because you're like pure gold among fakes.

 

[Foreigner]

Thanks for your feedback everyone. I don't know if I'm ready to end this relationship because a lot about it is still promising. I think time will sort out whether or not this can work.