Sex Problems

[Regulus7000]

I have been with my girlfriend for four years now.

I love her, but our sex life is killing me. We went 11 months without her initiating sex. Not even once. I was still having it because I pursued it, but it certainly made me feel awful and unwanted that she never initiated it. She tells me that she never does so because we have it enough that she feel fulfilled. I explained to her that I felt awful and unwanted that she would never actually initiate it though. She still didn't do it until I practically begged her to do it. We have fought many times about it, and now she will do it on occasion, but usually only very late at night when I'm asleep. 2, 3, or 4 AM. She claims it's the only time she can relax enough to feel aroused on her own. It sucks.

Also, she will never give me oral sex. I'm lucky to get it once every three months. She will also ONLY do it in the shower. Yet, I go down on her every single time. This bothers me terribly. She says that she never once asked me to go down on her. I told her that she is right, but it makes her feel good, and I want to make her feel good. I explained to her that she should want to make me feel good too. She says that oral sex shouldn't matter. I explained to her how it hurts me emotionally, but she is either incapable of understanding it, or refuses to understand it. She claims I am keeping score and says things like, "I understand that you think I should do things for you because you do them for me." But it's not about that. It's about wanting to feel desired.

Also, our sex is so un-fun now. She will never have spontaneous sex, must always be put in the mood, etc.

We have been together for four years now, and it wasn't always like this. But it has been for a long time now. It is really hurting me inside. But at the same time, she is an absolutely wonderful woman that I love so much. But my needs just aren't being fulfilled. I don't know what to do at this point except either accept it, or break up with her. A part of me is saying that sex shouldn't be the only reasons to do this, but another part of me is feeling like less and less of a man.

Any suggestions?

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Is your girlfriend on medication, or does she take drugs? Or does she get depressed?

 

[queenbee1127]

Long term relationships ebb and flow in who wants sex more/how often etc, but eleven months is a really long time.

First, I would say stop going down on her. It's not going to magically get you blowjobs but it may even the scales a little bit so you're not feeling so taken advantage of.

How often are you initiating to make her feel like it's enough? You say you've talked about it, but have you really expressed how it makes you feel?

 

[Foreigner]

I agree 11 months is a long time to have that need unfulfilled. The longest I went in an LTR without it was 6 months and then I had to say sayonara.

 

[nygiants1313]

no offense man but we only have 1 of these things we called life, and you have made your concerns known, your partner clearly doesn't give a fuk and takes you for granted, knowing you'll always stay like a good puppy if she treats you once every few months



there are sooooooo many women out there that you can find someone who matches you perfectly on a sexual level that there is no need for your continued suffering. I truly hope you pack up and leave otherwise you'll regret it years later.

 

[pofacedhoe]

i wouldn't stay myself.

it sounds like she doesn't fancy you- actions speak louder than any words

 

[apatheist]

Has she talked to a doctor about this? Is she on any medications or drugs that might affect her libido?

 

[JayAZ]

From my own experience, it'll only get worse. It sucks to always be the initiator. It sucks to always be the giver of sexual enjoyment but, at best, get a half-hearted, insincere "attempt" to return the favor. I agree it's a turn-on to make someone else feel aroused and, once in while, being the recipient and not the take-charge person would be awesome, but I think the writing is on the wall that it's not going to happen.
So the question is, are there other variables in your relationship that you value highly, like close companionship, heart-to-heart communication, little kindnesses like calling at work (if allowed) just to say hi, etc.
Sex is important, and it's really discouraging when your partner -- knowingly or not -- is implying that you just don't arouse her, which makes you wonder if her sexual fantasies/fetishes can't be found in you. She should be honest if that's the case, but she might be embarrassed or not eager to hurt your feelings. Or she might just have low libido. If you want to stick it out, she should make an appointment with an OB/GYN to make sure her hormone levels are where they should be, that sex isn't painful, etc., and at the same time, you or the two of you could see a counselor for some sessions. It might be easier to talk with a neutral counselor away from your home (neutral territory) and the counselor can help the two of you draw conclusions and help you understand your and your gf's point of view.

 

[BadHero]

To be honest, it does sound a lot like she's not on the same page in the relationship journal as you.

Whilst it's not just about the sex, it's the lack of attention and initiation which would ring alarm bells for me. When it comes to oral sex, some people do it and others don't. I give oral to my partner, he doesn't like doing it so I don't get it. No big deal. The part of this whole story which has piqued my attention is that you are obviously in love with her and she's just not feeling the same way anymore.

Talk to her but not about sex. Talk about her as an individual as well as you as an individual and then talk about being a couple. If you can't say the words then write them. You're beginning to suffer mentally and emotionally and it seems she is already suffering. That isn't how a relationship should be.