I've never done this before, but I'm going to get straight to the point. My boyfriend & I have been together about 2 years. We have a good relationship for the most part. But we do have one HUGE problem. He would be happy to have sex all day long, everyday & I, on the polar opposite of this, could go months without. I've read blog after blog, article after article. Most say to please him, through oral or other things to 'hold him over'. That is freaking ridiculous. But I tried it anyways. Only to have it blow up in my face. When I give in & do have sex or try to please him, I'm not into it enough & that also makes him mad. If I refuse completely, he gets really mad. I feel like I'm losing it here. So, today I told him I had been thinking of leaving because I can't please him & we have two very different feelings about it. He got very upset with me & thinks I don't care about him. Which is entirely untrue. I just feel like I can't keep up with his needs & he's always pissed or giving me a guilt trip, so I assumed he was unhappy. I don't want to leave, but the pressure is unbearable. We have sex at least twice a week with fill ins in between. Sometimes, 4 & 5 times with additional.. 'Things' between. I'm going crazy. Someone please help!
Sex or (lack thereof) is ruining my relationship
- Thread starter Chaos_92
- Start date
LuGoJ
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2005
- Messages
- 2,763
Sounds like you are just sexually incompatible. I have a higher sex drive than my wife and it definitely makes things difficult sometimes. I want to have sex every day but she is more of a once a week or once every two weeks kind of girl. Sometimes she compromises and we have sex two or three times in a week, sometimes I have to compromise and go a few weeks without sex.
You seem to be willing to compromise, yet he isn't. At this point the ball is in his court. Instead of getting angry, he should be empathetic and understanding, trying to work with you to find an amicable resolution.
Both of your sex drives are incompatible... there is a "womens Viagra" coming out onto the market soon. But I'd say, break up... let him find a woman who will fuck him every day. There is one on this forum " msthang1103 " who wants to get get laid every day. But her BF will only do it once every two weeks. Maybe you both live in the same city and trade boyfriends?
At least my wife and I seem to be okay with sex every 2~3 days, but will also have sex 3~5 times in a single night.
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship... you two don't have it.
At least my wife and I seem to be okay with sex every 2~3 days, but will also have sex 3~5 times in a single night.
Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship... you two don't have it.
pofacedhoe
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2008
- Messages
- 7,080
this problem will never get better because you cannot change your sex drive and he cannot tolerate your desire levels
Danman8552
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 20, 2015
- Messages
- 1
Hello. I'm new to the board and I am going through a similar situation with my girlfriend. It definitely sucks to be the one witha higher sex drive in the relationship. Try making a game out of it. Think about what turns you on and tell him. Sometimes all it takes for my gf is time and honesty. I've gotten real good at foreplay because we have invested in sex board games to add an additional layer of excitement. On Saturday nights we play and we have sex like rabbits afterwards.
I think it's the anticipation and the build up that helps her. The games usually start off slow with light kissing and touching and towards the end you're exchanging oral for short periods of time.
msthang1103
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2015
- Messages
- 21
I'm having the opposite issue with the guy that I'm "dating"; the difference is I think he's gay and refuses to accept it because of his religion. I'm not sure what the deal is with him because he's so secretive. He has admitted that he's had to do things that he didn't want to do or like to survive, but he hide everything from me in the beginning and only came clear after someone told me somethings. So, the guy I fell for was a big ass lie, he was affectionate and wanted sex all the time when he was hiding the truth from me. Once he had to tell the truth sex decreased and is almost never happens. We have not even been together for a year and he keeps asking me to be patient, but I know it's only going to get worse and I want out. There is no affection what so ever, he will play my PS or be on his cell all day long and won't look at me, touch me, or kiss me. He knows what I have gone through and knows that I have to have affection to function, but now I regret being so open about myself because it seems like he uses all of it against me. He uses sex like a weapon just like a bitch and it's so
. So, I'm off to see what I can get into because I refuse to be faithful in a relationship that I don't want to be in because I'm tired of doing everything when he's ready. I would rather be with someone who wants to be with me in every way.
Last edited:
msthang1103
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2015
- Messages
- 21
I've tried to end this bullshit many times and he gets all bitchy on me. I'm tired of being the fucking man in my relationship; I need a man who wants to be the man all the time. Once a week or once a month is for the birds and talking to this clown doesn't help anything. I just told him that I'm not doing this anymore and he thinks I'm playing with him. So, I think cheating will solve my problem in many ways. Hell if her bf is my type I would trade her in a millisecond because he thinks it's ok to withhold affection and sex just to get under my skin. He told me in the beginning that I would probably cheat on him because of the lack of sex (why didn't I listen to him then and let him know that it would happen without a doubt) I was a dumbass to tell him that I would break up with him before I ever cheated (wish I could take that shit back).
Last edited:
Thanks guys. I appreciate the feedback. We talked/ argued & I told him that I was out of options & I felt as if I couldn't keep up or please him in the ways that he needed to be pleased. & That I had been thinking about a civil break up. He was extremely upset & crying. He told me that it wasn't that big of a deal to him. So, now I'm kind of confused. Was/ is it a big deal? I mean, when we do have sex (mutually) it's pretty awesome. I like the submissive type of 'strange' sex & I feel like (after the trial runs) he really started to get into it. Is it possible we could move past this? I mean sex drive peaks & dips at different times in their lives right?
@msthang1103 : First, do you have a legal contract with your BF in which you would not have sex with others. Second, you both share the same home? Is there really any reason why one of you can't move out? 3rd, get laid... tell your teenage son(? right), that the relationship is over and you're going to be dating other guys. SERIOUSLY, why are you with the guy? Since he lied to you from the beginning, then so what if you "cheat" - not cheating if he doesn't give a shit about you, eh?
Now go out there and get some cock!
@Chaos92 : Am I correctly assuming you are about 23 years old? Love and sex and two different things, but love and sex is still part of a relationship. People in their 60s and 70s still have sex drives. 80s and above - no so much...
Getting a hard-on for your woman is an expression of love to a guy. But as you posted, you don't care about it. You're not into it. You only tolerate what sex you do get and rarely seem to actually enjoy it. If you don't like giving head, but do it anyway - a guy knows. If he pounding into, and you're laying like a dead fish waiting for him to finish so you can get back to facebook... well, by bother. I wouldn't waste my time or yours by sticking around.
If you're in your early 20s and like this - then its likely this is your sex life. OR there are other issues going on. Maybe you're almost A-sexual, maybe you're a lesbian, maybe he's lame in bed. Perhaps talk to a sex therapist - NOT read another 100 articles on sex. My wife sucks cock because she loves doing it and is good at it. If he's not good in bed for you, then that'll effect you as well... there is more to good sex than "Fuck her right in the pussy!".
He has feelings for you, but the anger and lack of sexual intimacy isn't fair to him. He sounds young and inexperienced because he's still hanging around the way guys in their early 20s would do. Consider a compromise. He can still hang out with you, don't get laid... but on the weekend, he's going to go out to parties or clubs or date women and get laid. Give him the option to move on when he has a replacement. But in general, he should stop being a BF to you and later just be a friend.
If the mutual sex is option - then why not be excited for more? To clarify, the "mutual" is when you're actually in the mood for that month or so? Typical women in their 20s~30s like having sex 3~5 times a week, not including rag-week for some. Peaks and dives - usually over time with age and being with the same partner (boooring) or having a baby. After 5 years, my wife is talking to me about some kinky & fun ideas she wants to try out - so of course I'm working on it.
Explain more about "I like strange submissive type of sex". Remember, we don't know WHO you are, doesn't matter. You're talking 50 shades of grey type stuff? Which is nothing more fantasy/abuse with bad writing. Who is being submissive? What part of it do you like?
Now go out there and get some cock!
@Chaos92 : Am I correctly assuming you are about 23 years old? Love and sex and two different things, but love and sex is still part of a relationship. People in their 60s and 70s still have sex drives. 80s and above - no so much...
Getting a hard-on for your woman is an expression of love to a guy. But as you posted, you don't care about it. You're not into it. You only tolerate what sex you do get and rarely seem to actually enjoy it. If you don't like giving head, but do it anyway - a guy knows. If he pounding into, and you're laying like a dead fish waiting for him to finish so you can get back to facebook... well, by bother. I wouldn't waste my time or yours by sticking around.
If you're in your early 20s and like this - then its likely this is your sex life. OR there are other issues going on. Maybe you're almost A-sexual, maybe you're a lesbian, maybe he's lame in bed. Perhaps talk to a sex therapist - NOT read another 100 articles on sex. My wife sucks cock because she loves doing it and is good at it. If he's not good in bed for you, then that'll effect you as well... there is more to good sex than "Fuck her right in the pussy!".
He has feelings for you, but the anger and lack of sexual intimacy isn't fair to him. He sounds young and inexperienced because he's still hanging around the way guys in their early 20s would do. Consider a compromise. He can still hang out with you, don't get laid... but on the weekend, he's going to go out to parties or clubs or date women and get laid. Give him the option to move on when he has a replacement. But in general, he should stop being a BF to you and later just be a friend.
If the mutual sex is option - then why not be excited for more? To clarify, the "mutual" is when you're actually in the mood for that month or so? Typical women in their 20s~30s like having sex 3~5 times a week, not including rag-week for some. Peaks and dives - usually over time with age and being with the same partner (boooring) or having a baby. After 5 years, my wife is talking to me about some kinky & fun ideas she wants to try out - so of course I'm working on it.
Explain more about "I like strange submissive type of sex". Remember, we don't know WHO you are, doesn't matter. You're talking 50 shades of grey type stuff? Which is nothing more fantasy/abuse with bad writing. Who is being submissive? What part of it do you like?
pokepoke420
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 11, 2012
- Messages
- 415
This is so spot on about guys in their young 20's. Basically described everything I went through a couple years ago. It definitely is time to walk away, it won't change.
I wasted so much time with my feelings for women in my 20s. Being the caring nice guy, sticking around women who had far more problems that they themselves were not willing to fix at that time. A lot of bullshit.
BUT I'm not saying all women do this, hell, there are guys who are full of shit - wasting women's time.
You can have casual sex and respect the other person, after all you're the other half doing the casual sex, right? Thus, I got a lot more sex with women in my 30s than any other time. I still have a hand to my friends and some of the women I had fun with - but only so far. Sure, I'll help you with a flat tire. NO, I'm not paying your $2000 bail!
BUT I'm not saying all women do this, hell, there are guys who are full of shit - wasting women's time.
You can have casual sex and respect the other person, after all you're the other half doing the casual sex, right? Thus, I got a lot more sex with women in my 30s than any other time. I still have a hand to my friends and some of the women I had fun with - but only so far. Sure, I'll help you with a flat tire. NO, I'm not paying your $2000 bail!
msthang1103
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2015
- Messages
- 21
We agreed that we would not have sex with others, but he has double standards for everything. He's the type everything is ok if he's doing it, but if someone else does it there's a problem. I shouldn't have to move because it's my house, but he has no where else to go. I'm on a fixed income and I'm barely making it. I'm not heartless enough to put him out on the streets, but I have gotten him out of my bed. I have a daughter and I have never really had guys around her ever. I went through my "I'm going to wait for Mr. Right for sex" phase (July 2007- January 2015). During this time I had a spinal cord injury and I still have medical issues that make it difficult for me to put myself out there. When he and I started dating he did not have an issue with my indwelling catheter, severe nerve damage, and chronic pain. Even though he's no longer in my bed, when I try to talk to someone else on the phone, he cock blocks. He claims if I have anyone over, he's going to cock block and show his ass. To me I feel like I'm in a no win situation because I still have to put up with his crap and then I have to deal with my insecurities dealing with my medical crap. I've been dealing with medical crap since 2009, so I don't see that insecurity going anywhere no time soon. I think that I put up with his trash because I feel like who wants to date a woman who has to carry around a bag of piss? I've had people say some really mean things to me after they found out about what I have going on. The fact that I have been emotionally abused most of my life does not help at all. You're right, it's not cheating if he doesn't give a rats behind about me. I don't have a clue what I'm going to do.
1 - Unless you REALLY REALLY need this childish douche in your life - ie: he's paying your bills. Kick his ass out. If there is no entertainment or positive things that fake relationship - why bother? Grab a few guys to come over... if he shows them his ass, they can shove a baseball bat up his ass. Or would he enjoy it? Also, Douchy and YOU are not being a good role model for your daughter.... she is more important this his well-being. You're teaching her to be a victim and of course - have less respect for you and women in general. If you apply the amount of energy here bitching about this wimp of a man as you should getting him out of your life, you'd be done by now.
If Douchy is not on your lease (you say its your house) - kick him out. Fuck him... he sure isn't fucking you. Join a dating site and be on the lookout with guys who have the same piss-bag issue (that sucks).
There is no CHEATING if there is no relationship. He broke the contract deal with you. Throw him out, get a retraining order. Get a local friend to help you get this sorted out.... here is what ya do.
1 - Next time he is out, quickly go to the house to do the following:
2 - Police/court house to get a restraining order, maybe a protective order. Also helpful if he has any police record.
3 - If you are renting a house - talk to your landlord about having a non-leased person in the house and to help get rid of him.
4 - Have all of your locks changed, disable or change your garage door opener code. (Each lock is about $20 + labor)
5 - Attach the restraining order to your door, maybe with a sign with "douchy" on it.
6 - Go to walmart - they have the cheapest moving boxes. $30~1.30 each, a large one is about $1.30... Figure how many you need to throw his shit in.
7 - Maybe with help of your daughter - throw all his shit into the boxes. Do not break any property.
8 - Have two male friends or family members at home with YOU when he shows up. Hand him his boxes of shit. You can put it ALL out on the lawn, or give him 1-2 days to come pick it UP from your lawn.
**DO NOT EVER LET HIM STEP FOOT INSIDE YOUR HOME**
9 - Tell your friends, family and daughter that HE IS NOT ALLOWED in your home and to call the police everytime he shows up. This is were the restraining/protective order come in handy... as they can arrest him on the spot for knocking on your door.
10 - Tell him to FUCK OFF... and if he continues to attempt to communicate~harass you, post his dirty secrets on facebook as to "why you are dumping Douchy".
Its your home, not his. He's ain't giving you anything of value. At which point - anything you have to complain about is ON YOU. Sounds like you'll have a better relationship with a vibrator than Douchy.
If Douchy is not on your lease (you say its your house) - kick him out. Fuck him... he sure isn't fucking you. Join a dating site and be on the lookout with guys who have the same piss-bag issue (that sucks).
There is no CHEATING if there is no relationship. He broke the contract deal with you. Throw him out, get a retraining order. Get a local friend to help you get this sorted out.... here is what ya do.
1 - Next time he is out, quickly go to the house to do the following:
2 - Police/court house to get a restraining order, maybe a protective order. Also helpful if he has any police record.
3 - If you are renting a house - talk to your landlord about having a non-leased person in the house and to help get rid of him.
4 - Have all of your locks changed, disable or change your garage door opener code. (Each lock is about $20 + labor)
5 - Attach the restraining order to your door, maybe with a sign with "douchy" on it.
6 - Go to walmart - they have the cheapest moving boxes. $30~1.30 each, a large one is about $1.30... Figure how many you need to throw his shit in.
7 - Maybe with help of your daughter - throw all his shit into the boxes. Do not break any property.
8 - Have two male friends or family members at home with YOU when he shows up. Hand him his boxes of shit. You can put it ALL out on the lawn, or give him 1-2 days to come pick it UP from your lawn.
**DO NOT EVER LET HIM STEP FOOT INSIDE YOUR HOME**
9 - Tell your friends, family and daughter that HE IS NOT ALLOWED in your home and to call the police everytime he shows up. This is were the restraining/protective order come in handy... as they can arrest him on the spot for knocking on your door.
10 - Tell him to FUCK OFF... and if he continues to attempt to communicate~harass you, post his dirty secrets on facebook as to "why you are dumping Douchy".
Its your home, not his. He's ain't giving you anything of value. At which point - anything you have to complain about is ON YOU. Sounds like you'll have a better relationship with a vibrator than Douchy.
Never mind then. Lol. Well, being as you're right & no one knows me, here it is. I'm not lesbian or asexual. I know this. & the sex was great, (still not everyday) in the beginning. I think I may be turned off by his temper & the fact that we can't drink together without him having sex with me while I'm passed out. It freaks me out. Do people with high sex drives think like this or do things like that? I mean, yes he's my boyfriend, but is it that important? It seems really creepy & I don't know how many times he's done it. I always thought I was getting an infection from over drinking. (sorry for the tmi) My first thought was never what was actually going on.
deano88
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2010
- Messages
- 1,830
He has sex with you when your passed out? That's RAPE! seriously get out while you can. How can you even trust him around your daughter?
@deano88 - The one with daughter is not the OP, that's mstang1103 who hasn't responded in a week or so who has the opposite problems.
@Chaos_92 - If you're 23 and not interested in sex... is it because of him or with ANY man? Many women in their early 20s initiate sex quite a bit with guys, to have intercourse a few times a week. Him having a temper is a problem.
The deal with the passed-out sex, which isn't the same as black-out sex... is that it could be two different issues. Either he LIKES doing it that way, a form of necrophilia *OR* because you reject having sex with him so much that he does this tactic as the only way to have sex with you. If it was the later, most men and myself would walk away rather than wait for you to be unconsciousness to have intercourse with another person.
If your sex drive is that low (once every few months) then it may go up as you hit 30 and then die off before you hit 40. If you're not liking the sex you get from your BF, then it'll also zap your sex drive. Either way, consider seeing a sex therapist and also leaving him for the both of you. Some people are into passed out sex on the receiving end for some kink, but thats not you.
Answer to your question "Do people with high sex drives think like this or do things like that? I mean, yes he's my boyfriend, but is it that important?" it can, it does. A normal sex drive for a women at your age is open/wanting sexual release through the week... doesn't mean you'll get to masturbate or actually have sex. In a seriously relationship, doing it 1-3 times a week is the norm for your age. A guy with a over-active sex drive may masturbate several times a day and HAVE sex with his girlfriend as well. I remember on a HBO taxicab story in which a guy is going out to fuck a prostitute. Why? Because his GF can only handle sex with him two times a day and yet he still masturbates.
So end the relationship, let him find the girl that wants to be boned 2-3 times day. And STILL see a sex therapist yourself. See if you are really low or have deep emotional issues you may not be aware of. If you have a low-sex drive and want to be with a man, then find a religious one who thinks "sex is dirty", and he'll never try to have sex with you. But you'll be hearing about Jesus 24/7.
Nothing you said is TMI. nobody knows who you are. And that bit of information is needed.
Do you think about other men, or get wet thinking about guys? Go visit a male-strip club and see if that gets your juices going. Also, even consider going to a lesbian bar after that, on another day and see how it feels. I've known a few women who were "not lesbian" who did open them selves up a bit, and realized that their man issues was because they did actually like women. One of my lesbian friends is in love with a "straight" girl she had sex with a few times. again, this is where a sex therapist can help you 1 on 1.
@Chaos_92 - If you're 23 and not interested in sex... is it because of him or with ANY man? Many women in their early 20s initiate sex quite a bit with guys, to have intercourse a few times a week. Him having a temper is a problem.
The deal with the passed-out sex, which isn't the same as black-out sex... is that it could be two different issues. Either he LIKES doing it that way, a form of necrophilia *OR* because you reject having sex with him so much that he does this tactic as the only way to have sex with you. If it was the later, most men and myself would walk away rather than wait for you to be unconsciousness to have intercourse with another person.
If your sex drive is that low (once every few months) then it may go up as you hit 30 and then die off before you hit 40. If you're not liking the sex you get from your BF, then it'll also zap your sex drive. Either way, consider seeing a sex therapist and also leaving him for the both of you. Some people are into passed out sex on the receiving end for some kink, but thats not you.
Answer to your question "Do people with high sex drives think like this or do things like that? I mean, yes he's my boyfriend, but is it that important?" it can, it does. A normal sex drive for a women at your age is open/wanting sexual release through the week... doesn't mean you'll get to masturbate or actually have sex. In a seriously relationship, doing it 1-3 times a week is the norm for your age. A guy with a over-active sex drive may masturbate several times a day and HAVE sex with his girlfriend as well. I remember on a HBO taxicab story in which a guy is going out to fuck a prostitute. Why? Because his GF can only handle sex with him two times a day and yet he still masturbates.
So end the relationship, let him find the girl that wants to be boned 2-3 times day. And STILL see a sex therapist yourself. See if you are really low or have deep emotional issues you may not be aware of. If you have a low-sex drive and want to be with a man, then find a religious one who thinks "sex is dirty", and he'll never try to have sex with you. But you'll be hearing about Jesus 24/7.
Nothing you said is TMI. nobody knows who you are. And that bit of information is needed.
Do you think about other men, or get wet thinking about guys? Go visit a male-strip club and see if that gets your juices going. Also, even consider going to a lesbian bar after that, on another day and see how it feels. I've known a few women who were "not lesbian" who did open them selves up a bit, and realized that their man issues was because they did actually like women. One of my lesbian friends is in love with a "straight" girl she had sex with a few times. again, this is where a sex therapist can help you 1 on 1.
Last edited: