Self-treatment of PTSD using MDMA - how I did it

[Pallyress]

I'm in my early 40s, with no history of drug abuse. I never though I would try psychedelics, but by chance I knew of MDMA supported PTSD treatment through media. I actually read up on it, past the news headlines, as I was baffled by the contrast between the traditional warnings we learned in school growing up and the story told by drug advocates and scientists. I actually started reading to be able to dismiss the advocates, but ended up changing my own mind.

Ok, it's not as bad, it seems beneficial used the right way. I wasn't going to try, I had too much to lose.

And then the traumas happened. It was several different events over a period of two years, and I barely kept it together. It culminated in a violent rape from the person I trusted and loved above all others.


I will write about my experiences of MDMA and LSD use as a mean to self treatment and symptom relief of high degree PTSD, combined with ADHD.

I have used MDMA about 7-8 times over the cause of 1,5 years.


1) 1st time MDMA - the exception
It was almost on a whim, on a party, and I didn't even know at this time that I was raped due to dissociative amnesia. I had started acting differently, engaging in risky behavior, and it led me to try MDMA. It was pure, tested.

ADHD meds:
I did not take my regular Ritalin in the hours before rolling, as a safety measure. First time I rolled. First and last time I rolled without a small amount of Ritalin. For those with ADHD doing research right now: There is a difference between taking amphetamines/mehtylphenidate in prescribed therapeutic dosages, and taking them purely for recreational use. Me without meds is more like a regular person on stimulants. With my meds I am able to relax, sit still, and have a calm head. However, I have always reduced the stimulant dosage to half. My advice is start small, and build up. MDMA is likely to make you less able to control your impulses, at least that is my experience.


Dosage: 130 mg MDMA - highest purity. Measured by my weight and a bit extra "because you seem to need it".

The roll:
I had an amazing night. I was so euphoric that I could not move or control myself. I moaned like a (euphoric) creature from the crypt every time this random guy caressed the skin of my arm with his fingertips. Each time! It gave them the giggles. I did not take my ADHD meds as a safety measure, first and last time I tripped off of meds. Any ability to control impulses for talking or cuddling was OFF the menu. I realised it myself, tried to force myself from my happy talk by holding my hands over my mouth, and 2 seconds later I was blabbering away in a euphoric state. The party had to escape me, they tried to do the introspect candy-flip version with suggestive house music and surrendering to deep thoughts.


Factors affecting this experience, positive or negative direction:
It was first time MDMA.+ ++
Hypervigilance was turned off. - difference between fight/flight mode and pure euphoria as extreme. +++
Had a couple of small drags of a joint before rolling - first time in 20+ years - regretted that as it fusses up my head. Think it was hash, and as many with ADHD that is a negative for me. Head gets muddy, without calming down my hyperactivity (or PTSD related Hypervigilance). -
Earlier that day I witnessed a traffic accident, and I was tense and worried about it, my fight-flight response was through the roof. Enhanced the effect MDMA gave when this was turned off. ++

Effect after roll:
I had a positive, noticeable, afterglow for over a month, I started to feel more alive. Still, my body was just this thing following me, and I had a lot of PTSD symptoms, but I was not spiraling out of control anymore.
MDMA turned off my hypervigilance, and allowed me to ground myself again. I realised that I had a mirror, and that the person in there was me, and I liked myself a little more. I felt love and compassion for myself again, and the people around me. I started feeling more whole again, and also started having deeper (and fewer) friendships.

Also: Very embarrassed over my behavior. Decided not to take it around others until I got the dosage right. This was what stopped me from doing it again, I though I perhaps needed a boyfriend for that stuff. But partying on molly all by myself didn't seem like the thing to do either. Besides, I had no idea where to get hold of drugs, wasn't about to ask the other moms when we picked up kids at school.

I didn't have any therapeutic effect beyond that, in fact, I didn't understand why I had these signs of PTSD yet. My doctors and I believed it was the "totality of it all". I had just gotten through a couple of years with hugh negative and difficult events both professionally and within family.
I started functioning better again, but was very sensitive to triggers. And not knowing I had had a trauma, my new anxiety and panic attacks was also suggested to be caused by "keeping the lid on for too long, having to be the strong one".

It profoundly changed me, beyond my PTSD. It brought back tenderness and ability to show more care for others, because I was able to feel the same about myself. It gave me back a dimention of myself that I perhaps lost many, many years ago. I stopped being so "shut off", and started feeling more. It ended one phase of my PTSD, and reduced the symptoms for weeks, until the new phase started tightening its grip.



*******
Ok, I'm going to have a litte break now. I'm still suffering from PTSD, lack of concentration and avoiding stuff that is emotional difficult. I'm on 40μg LSD to write this (as if ADHD isn't enough to mess up a text on its own). I'll tell you how LSD dampens symptoms of depression, anxiety and ADHD later on, enabling me to function better for days and weeks from one single use. I have used MDMA and LSD to avoid having to be committed. And frankly, it is less costly, more convenient and helps me more than a time-out in a white ward with kind faces.

LSD makes me able to work and function for weeks after a single dosage,

...but right now the garden smells of a warm summer evening,
with shy birds wing flapping and singing, and tiny bugs are silently claiming the cool, moist shadows of blossoming garden trees.


I'm not sure how to tell this story, because it is so many things intertwined. And I didn't even get to the terapeutic parts, yet. Just my first try. agh!

yeah. LSD. Getting very wordy here. Better not check my writing, I will never get to posting this. Let me know if anything is incoherent.

 

[Pallyress]

2. time using MDMA

It was less than a year after my first attempt. I had gotten hold of the MDMA, it had been stored away while I waited for an occasion that "never" came. I was afraid to trust men, so the idea of cuddling up to someone during a new MDMA experience was very appealing, but also terrifying and not possible to do. I was scared of meeting new people, I pulled back from people with exception of the few friends I grew a bit closer with.

Then this very random thing happened, but it triggered something in me, and I started to remember bits. Images, with horrible, shattering emotions, lit up in my head for fractions of seconds, before it exploded into blackness, denying me to revisit my own memory. I felt I was spiraling down into a errupting volcano, the anxiety and shock and horror was about to consume me.

And my first, instant reaction is to get hold of a friend and do MDMA. It happened the same day. I laid in my friends arms and recalled the night of my trauma. And now I was able to remember more. And I realized what he had done to me.

I got professional help right away. I had a full blown, full scale, acute trauma reaction. All the symptoms from the last year fell in place. They reassured me that my reactions was normal, to a very unusual experience. I used the afterglow of my MDMA trip to be able to tell what I had experienced, what I needed help with.

I don't think I would been able to tell about it without the MDMA afterglow. I was able to stay out of hospital, but I had a lot of help from friends and professionals 24/7. At the time my job health insurance covered emergency psychological help, so I had psychiatric nurses visiting me at home, talking me down and getting me to doctors for emergency medication. Between ADHD meds (calming me), Atarax and diazepam I could hardly walk straight. I was not alone for a second, I needed friends around me at all time. I was paranoid, and the fact that this had been in my mind, hidden from me, really freaked me out. It was very hard for me to truly understand how I could have denied and forgotten what he did to me. Professionals helped me, but being so drugged on meds I could not really process anything. I was either drooling, lost in space by drugs, or constantly fighting flashbacks. It got really difficult to eat, and eating had already been difficult the last years due to ADHD meds.

I was so sick that I had to call my ex and turn over custody for my children. I was so sick that I was only able to see my children for a couple of hours a couple of times a week, visiting them. And it got worse and worse the longer from my previous MDMA use. I had marked the date, and functioned enough to get the MAPS manual for assisted therapy from their website. I read it and copied it as best I could.

Safe environment. Dark. Comfortable.

Therapist seem to be pretty important....I needed a substitute. I could not use friends as it would be irresponsible for me to expose them for the traumatic details and emotions suppressed within me.

I could get all benzos I wanted, but I didn't want to stay on them. I was stuck in limo between unmedicated and suicidal, and sedated and not getting anything processed. I was either too sedated to eat, or to panic-frozen to be able to recognize hunger.

I researched about MDMA, interactions with other medications I used, used forums like these, and planned. If nothing else, focusing on the research gave me a few minutes break from the horrible flashbacks that haunted me every moment I was awake. My body would make involuntary protective movements when flashes of unorganized memories exploded in my mind.

I counted down the 4 recommended weeks until my next MDMA session. I could barely wait, but I did. This time well prepared. I needed to get well enough so I could spend time in the same room as my children, more than just half an hour at a time.

And, I needed to remember more so I could press charges. I had tried to force myself to remember more details, but it was impossible. I knew it was there, but my own mind refused me to piece together my fragmented memories to a whole story. I remembered a little bit, or a little detail in the timeline, but it was a slow and horrible process where panic made me blacken out the memories, at the same time as I could not stop them from bubbling up to the surface. Anything would trigger me. What EVER I looked at, it would make me remember the betrayal and violence. My shoes reminded me of his shoes. If I ate, I remembered a time when I dined with him. It engulfed me, and I was drowning. I could not watch news, I had to shield myself from everything. I was so very sick and unstable. I could have a couple of ok hours, then be close suicidal 2 hours later. And back. And forth. I was angry, I was paranoid, I felt strong, I felt like this body was just something that followed me around, it had nothing to do with me. I was either function (relatively), thinking of practical things and trying to fix them (but never got anything finished), or having complete meltdowns when emotions took over.

And then...it was finally time for my first real session.

 

[Pallyress]

Self treatment MDMA session, getting serious.

My setup:

A) I used "MDMA-assisted psychotherapy treatment manual" to guide my set-up, as found in pdf format at maps.org (Thank you!)

B) Setting the sceene
Alone, undisturbed, dark bedroom and comfy bed. Mute phone, told people I would be off the grid.
To work inwards I must reduce external stimulation. No vibrant moving colours/videos to fixate on. Forget electric sheep videos, they are too hypnotizing.
Confortable clothes, prepare thin layers (blanket, soft clothing) so you easily can adapt to a comfortable temperature. You will not move, and heat will not be an issue in a normal/coolish room. Preparing is a way to start caring for myself, and to avoid the need to take small brakes later on. This is work, surrendering to emotions that bubbles up. A glass of water is nice.

C) I've learned that I should not be sleep deprived or starving when starting a session. It can be a bit tricky with strong PTSD symptoms preventing me from both eating and sleeping, but it is important for therapeutic reasons. I have experienced insomnia due to anxiety, and when I have taken MDMA the next night to turn off my hypervigilance it has caused me to relax and fall asleep before the effect had worn off enough. Woke up with a lot of blisters in mouth due to jaw clenching in sleep.

I have also experienced being starved due to issues with food, and ADHD meds had already used what was available to neurotransmitters. It was nothing left for MDMA to work with. That time my first wave was the strength of what was normally the second wave. And second wave was a bit to weak to enable me to work. I good a boost from drinking a fluid meal (smoothie), and I did have a positive outcome of it, but it was not optimal. Sleep and get enough nutrition, it is important. Fluid meal replacements are a good option, also during the session, if food is difficult. Eating disorders and digestive issues often accompany PTSD.

D) Therapist substitute: Youtube videos.
My apologies to any therapists reading this, I am not suggesting that videos are the better choice. It's a matter of availability.
I use two tracks in a repeat loop when I work:
1st track: guided trauma relief visualisation: https://youtu.be/H8e4sATalz8
Very comforting, wonderful to listen to. This is of course preference based. It should be pleasant to listen to, both voice and sound/speakers.

2nd track is instrumental, relaxing: https://youtu.be/KLsIJfTnq94
- the leaves are nice to watch when relaxing, but most of the time I worked with closed eyes. This track gives a resting break and opportunity to work freely.

PS. I don't believe in the particular binural "sience" stuff, it is not at all convincing in regards to documented research. The key is to have a calming music to put you in the right mood, without limiting the ability to work in a certain direction. Music is a powerful way to set the mood. The songs often listened as binural or "spa music" are good for the open/relaxing part of the session. This particular track is a favourite because I find it plesant, it is instrumental with hardly any obvious rhythm. Calming, not stimulating. You are looking for that dark, deep water within, and the calm to welcome any feeling that rises to the surface.

I had these two tracks on repeat after the first wave. The first time I had this setup I also redosed for the first time, so it was some good 5 hours all together just listening to these tracks on repeat. I re-dose if I need to work more, and discover that the effect is diminishing.

Comments for session 3
I Tried to remember it all at once. I do not recommend it.
The emotional pain was excruciating. I was rid of the overwhelming anxiety, the lump in my throat dissapeared. It was replaced with a physical pain (or so it felt) in my lower chest. It felt like something was crushed inside me, the intense sorrow was beyond anything I imagined was possible to feel.
I cried, I forgave myself for trusting someone who harmed me, I forgave myself for not being able to take care of my kids. The immense hurt that somebody could to this to me. Logically I had accepted no blame, and rightfully so. Emotionally it was a different story, and I only released it when doing the session.
It was a healing pain, and I also felt a lot of warmth and love and forgiveness for myself. If I didn't feel so calm and safe, I would not be able to break through the anger and anxiety that normally protect me from these feelings.

I cannot feel this when not on MDMA, at least not for more than a second or two. I was able to feel it for 5 hours, and my advice to others is to go a little more easy on it. Start in a corner, don't spash all in. I did this because I needed to remember the details, my first attempt of pressing police charges was prohibited by my inability to recall the memories.

I found my preferred dosage to be 125 mg MDMA, with a boost of 60 4 hours later, if needed. Higher dosages gives me too much side effects (jaw clenching and jittering), which is disturbing when working with the trauma. Being too euphoric is in my experience an inhibitor, it makes it difficult for me to focus on the trauma. When I get past the first wave of intensity I always start working, but not before.

After the session
I was in bed for almost 3 days, for each day the pain in my chest got a little lighter. It was not a physical damage, I knew it was emotional hurt. It was so strong it felt like a heart attack, I think I even googled it to make sure. I was only up to eat or use the bathroom.

During these 3 days I played the meditating videos over and over again, for hours each day. The afterglow made me able to work, and I had uncovered a massive pile of emotional pain. I hurted a lot, but worked through it. After-effect stayed with me for days and days, even if I started out in immense emotional pain. I could still work with it.

It was hard emotional work. After those 3 days I felt better. It had improved a bit for each day, and I was finally able to get up. I felt lighter than before the session, some parts of me had healed. I still had a lot to deal with, but less than before.
I stopped using prescribed benzo, my daily Atarax meds was reduced from maximum dosage to 25 mgs or even half of it, and not every day.
I still had very pressing PTSD symptoms, but now I was off off all the tranquilizing medications, and I was able to function a little bit more, saw my kids more.

Both my children also responded to my change. They started climbing more into my lap, put their arms around my neck and had more eye contact. They felt the difference, and so did I, even if I saw them days after session.

It was still a very bumpy road, but now I was a tiny bit better without having to use a lot of calming medication. Earlier I was feeling worse, even if meds made me zombie-like.

Comments to the 3rd session:
It was pretty heavy. It worked, but I do not recommend taking it all at once like I did. Work with a little at the time. I used the MDMA to force me to remember, and I did, but it would have been easier to have spaced it out over several sessions. This was my first time I worked with intent and focus, and I had no idea of the intensity and duration of the emotions it would bring forth. I believe it could have harmed me emotionally, and set me back, if I at some time had chocked up and not taken those 3 days to surrender and feel the pain. I surrendered to the feelings, felt them,I let the pain engulf me and just felt. And then it slowly left me.

 

[Pallyress]

That is the setup I have kept ever since, I have repeated it every 1-2 months, when needed. I sort of dread doing it, it certainly isn't the fun & happy way to do MDMA. I am convinced it has saved my life, and my PTSD symptoms are no longer life threatening.

I must stress the importance of testing MDMA, and not mixing it with anything that prohibits one from processing emotions. Alcohol, or other drugs, should be avoided. I haven't tried it myself, and my research/reading suggests that it will diminish the terapeutic effect.

I do combine it with a low dose of adhd medication, because adhd symptoms with jumbled up thoughs increases/petsists with mdma. Ritalin or vyvanse helps me relax my body/hyperactivity, and allows me to stay longer in each memory/feeling/line of thoughts.

I did a lot of research regarding mdma interacting with other drugs. There is ad always a safety issue, but also the importance of keeping the ability to work with emotions. The latter part isn't so important for party people just wanting go get high, but used in this setting it is.

Already having a diagnosis that takes thousand of lives each year, it is also important to consider possible negative effects after the session. Be prepared. Have the time to build up your serotonin levels. It is emotional draining, and after care goes beyond taking supplements.

Watch feel good movies, eat, give yourself TLC.

I have learned something new every time I have used this set up, but this is the mainframe.

I have more experience and knowledge than written so far, and even if this has worked for me, I do not believe it is risk free. Nothing is. I was desperate, close to dying at my own hands several times.

So far it has helped me. I am less dicosiative in regard to emotions, and flashbacks are reduced to a handfull each week, rather than overwhelming me every awaken moment.

Feel free to ask or comment any questions or concerns, and I'll answer them the best I can, based on my readings and own experiences.

 

[iamthetalker]

Hoo boy. Where to begin? So many questions. In the interest of time I'll probably have to split my response as well.

First of all, thank you for this. Regardless of others' feelings on self-medication, it couldn't have been easy for you to put everything down and I respect that immensely. My wife also suffers PTSD from a combination of childhood abuse and rape--by an unrelated individual--when she was 16, so I have a bit of secondhand experience with it (we've been together six years). She's been through ordinary counseling on and off for most of her life but due to a combination of poor therapists--"Maybe you should go to church"--and prohibitive costs hasn't found much success. She's aware of MDMA-assisted therapy but the difficulty is finding someone who's willing--and able, legally--to do it. We both have experience with MDMA, LSD, and a handful of other psychedelics.

In your first post, you mention using LSD as well as MDMA as part of your treatment; may I ask when you might get into more detail regarding its involvement in your treatment? Which do you feel (MDMA or LSD) has been more integral to your ability to get to where you are now? My wife and I used to trip together a few times a year (various psychs, based on what was around) but LSD's duration (13+ hours for her) and a rough experience with her PTSD on mushrooms has left her unwilling to touch anything without the aid of MDMA to soften the blow. Do you ever combine the two ("candyflip"), or are they always administered separately? You mentioned not mixing the MDMA with any drugs that might "prohibit one from processing emotions," but we had a four-person candyflip a few years ago that all involved agreed was incredibly therapeutic (each for different reasons) and possibly the most emotionally positive and productive drug-related experience of our lives.

Do you do anything to help with your fear/anxiety leading up to a session? Anxiety is something that often kept my wife from joining me or friends on a trip and even makes her hesitate before taking Molly despite it being her self-proclaimed "favorite" and knowing she'd have a good time. (She's always had a pleasant roll and never thought about her trauma while on MDMA). I suspect going into it without the intention of "having a good time" and intentionally reflecting on her trauma would make it orders of magnitude more difficult to actually go through with it.

That's it for this round of questions. I'll try to organize and post the rest of what I have tomorrow.

 

[Pallyress]

In your first post, you mention using LSD as well as MDMA as part of your treatment; may I ask when you might get into more detail regarding its involvement in your treatment? Which do you feel (MDMA or LSD) has been more integral to your ability to get to where you are now? My wife and I used to trip together a few times a year (various psychs, based on what was around) but LSD's duration (13+ hours for her) and a rough experience with her PTSD on mushrooms has left her unwilling to touch anything without the aid of MDMA to soften the blow. Do you ever combine the two ("candyflip"), or are they always administered separately? You mentioned not mixing the MDMA with any drugs that might "prohibit one from processing emotions," but we had a four-person candyflip a few years ago that all involved agreed was incredibly therapeutic (each for different reasons) and possibly the most emotionally positive and productive drug-related experience of our lives.

I have experienced MDMA (alone) as the best way to deal with emotional trauma.

The first time I took LSD I surrendered to the pain and cried, in a healing/processing way, when the trip was at its strongest. It is a more naked and cold way to face the trauma compared to MDMA, the pain was piercing, but it helped me process some of the pain. I sobbed like a child in the arms of a friend, but also letting my friend know that it was something I needed to do. It's not something I have tried to repeat because the comforting warm support I get from MDMA is not present on LSD. The reassurance was missing, and it felt very naked. I cried for 3x15 mins, taking breaks. After the third time I decided that it would be a quite exhausting and sad trip if I kept it up, so I decided it was enough. Being in a safe and controlled environment I could control the direction of my trip by changing the music. Sad music is a big no-no for me when I trip.

LSD is for me a drug that educe clear and logic thinking. The emotions gets easier to deal with, they don't roar over clear logic. I'm usually very ok and at ease after my trips, only feeling a bit tired the first day after.

Being a trauma patient with association issues, in the meaning that I'm not good at integrating my emotions in my daily life - they are either distant or overpowering - I do not think is will help me heal if I use LSD small/micro-doses to keep them even more tucked away. Sometimes it is a helpful tool if I need to function in a higher degree than my PTSD normally allows me to do.

Doing MDMA I am able to work with my emotions, so I heal - not just keeping it at bay. However, doing MDMA once a month can make me very emotional vulnerable, and that is not always a good thing either.

I use small doses LSD for these reasons, alone or combined:

• Reducing anxiety/depressions without having to take meds every day (My ADHD meds are NDRI, and I would rather not get dependent on a SSRI - it would be addictive and hard to get off. It would also probably be difficult to find the right dose)
• If PTSD symptoms are building up, and I still have to wait quite a while before safely do MDMA again, with beneficial therapeutic effect
• To reduce difficult emotions when having to deal with stuff that are emotional overwhelming - related to trauma.

Sometimes I have done MDMA and then a small dose LSD some days later, to balance me. Only doing MDMA makes rather mushy. My diagnoses make me very emotional vulnerable, and sometimes I need to get less sensitive or get a break from the grief I have uncovered.

Do you do anything to help with your fear/anxiety leading up to a session? Anxiety is something that often kept my wife from joining me or friends on a trip and even makes her hesitate before taking Molly despite it being her self-proclaimed "favorite" and knowing she'd have a good time. (She's always had a pleasant roll and never thought about her trauma while on MDMA). I suspect going into it without the intention of "having a good time" and intentionally reflecting on her trauma would make it orders of magnitude more difficult to actually go through with it.

LSD speeds up the thinking. I do not find it beneficial for healing trauma. When I do self therapy I try to linger in the emotions, letting them flow all over me and stay as long as they need. With LSD I find that my mind wanders, which is already a problem with ADHD.

Also, with ADHD I need to use a small dose stimulants, or my thinking gets messed up of both drugs. Already combining Ritalin with either MDMA or LSD, I'm not convinced it's a good idea of making a cocktail of it. I did try a candyflip earlier when I was on instant release meds. I believe I was a bit extra tired the next couple of days, and it is a strain I don't want to do, particularly if the extra upside isn't there.

If I were a party animal I would probably enjoy candyflipping. For self therapy I do not like it.


I dread my self therapy on MDMA. I have cried so much on MDMA, it's crasy. The pain is massive. The grief. The hurt. I am able to do it because I let myself have a way out. The pressure builds up, so I do my preparations, but I also tell myself that after the first wave I am allowed to not work with the trauma. When I do get a bit down from the first wave I have always felt that it's okay to work on the trauma, and chosen to do so. I just need an mental exit for sober, traumatized me. MDMA-me loves me so much and understands that I need to be healed, and goes to work with a brave heart, love and endless compassion.

 

[Pallyress]

I think I sound more confident in what I do than I really am. It's true, it has helped me so far. But I also worry. I have gotten heaps better, but I'm still journeying. I would have felt so much more reassured and confident if I had a therapist guiding me.

It's hours and hours of research. questioning myself. What if I do it too much? What if I have a bad trip/roll? Now that I have gotten so much better, what if I mess it all up again? It was easy when I was at the edge of life and had lost everything. Now I constantly question myself where the limit between a healing way and plain drug abuse is.

I don't know where I'm headed, just that it's darker behind me than in the horizon. I'm so looking forward and hoping for the FDA approval pending 2021 for this kind of therapy. It would make it a lot safer.

 

[fernando_bog]

Hi, it's Fernando from Argentina.

I am so grateful for you sharing this

My question is how are you doing lately ? after three years ... ?

Anything new to add ?

PS:

I discover fairly recently that I have severe PTSD, after a lot of ayahuasca (which became too heavy all at once and got retraumatized)

Then I found out about MAPS and started taking MDMA on my own.

Yesterday (after a month) was my second session (both really pleasant, but not detailed ..), the afterglow days after the first session were healing... tough barely noticed at times... like healing by itself in the underground... and at times letting me know about it...

Still found it hard to reach the core painful memories and emotions...

I'm undecided if to continue on my own or getting a sitter... sometimes I really need a hug from someone I can really feel at easy with (not easy, this therapy is so new I might be one of the few in Argentina going down this path...)

 

[AutoTripper]

Hi, it's Fernando from Argentina.

I am so grateful for you sharing this

My question is how are you doing lately ? after three years ... ?

Anything new to add ?

PS:

I discover fairly recently that I have severe PTSD, after a lot of ayahuasca (which became too heavy all at once and got retraumatized)

Then I found out about MAPS and started taking MDMA on my own.

Yesterday (after a month) was my second session (both really pleasant, but not detailed ..), the afterglow days after the first session were healing... tough barely noticed at times... like healing by itself in the underground... and at times letting me know about it...

Still found it hard to reach the core painful memories and emotions...

I'm undecided if to continue on my own or getting a sitter... sometimes I really need a hug from someone I can really feel at easy with (not easy, this therapy is so new I might be one of the few in Argentina going down this path...)

Hello and warm welcome. Sorry the Aya caused some issues for you. I have no experience with it myself but hopefully things are not as bad as they seem and it could be like an extended release of trauma which will take even longer to integrate and manifest for you to feel the benefits from. Or possibly it is an element of that combined with actual trauma from the intensity (and maybe darkness?) of it.


Regarding using MDMA for therapy and trauma, I cant advise here from experience, I mean I have extensive experience taking MDMA up to 2005 when I had to spend all my drug taking on account of illness.

I have suffered an enormous deal of trauma and stress ever since then and it has been my wish to take MDMA again for the sake of automatically releasing and freeing up so much trauma and negative emotion from recent years of illness and suffering.

I would be very confident about being able to to achieve this benefit and release myself simply by taking the MDMA in the right setting and time.

I think a lot of it is automatic and your subconscious and unconscious knows what to do and how to heal you just need to be in a completely free and relaxed headspace trusting this process and let it happen.

However I do not think I will be doing this myself because I have incredibly severe allergies and intolerances I can't take any medicines or supplements or tablets powders you name it 99% of all of the available foods and remedies and herbs and drugs in this world I have to avoid strictly.

I have decided it is far too dangerous for me to even think about taking my Dutch MDMA pills which will have unknown additives to which I will surely be allergic regardless of my potential reaction to the MDMA itself.

My nervous system is incredibly sensitive to stimulants and it could be very dangerous for me.

What I was going to say to you here now though is that you may not be aware of this but there is a very strong and building claim that there is a problem with the modern MDMA with huge variation between different batches and sources and production methods.

Most of the MDMA available today it would seem is inferior to the original and better quality MDMA which can still be found by the lucky few.

So Im just wishing to alert you to this phenomenon. If you took different batches of MDMA on those occasions that alone could have accounted for the different experience.

The "MehDMA" as it has been labelled, would not be anywhere near as useful for emotional healing and release and psychotherapy as the the true high quality MDMA, because it is highly lacking in the real transcendental emotional euphoria and empathy that true MDMA gives.

What is wrong with the MDMA available today?

NOTE: A handy draft summary (work-in-progress) of some of the key content covered in this thread can be accessed ⫸HERE⫷ Let me first give you a little background. I'm 51 years old and started doing ecstasy the last year it was legal in 1985. Needless to say the legal ecstasy from the so...

www.bluelight.org

Here is a thread on this very site dedicated entirely to this topic. There are many clever chemist who have been involved and it appears that excellent progress has been made at identifying the potential explanations for this variation and MDMA quality today.

So I just wanted to to make you aware that whenever you are using MDMA you don't know no how effective that particular batch or source will be so this is something to keep in mind when you are trying to make sense of your experiences.

Hope to see around my friend and welcome again from United Kingdom.