I'm so sorry you're going through. In some ways I think it's common to have some self loathing - you've been clean for a year and a half, which is great, but you're still healing. Many addicts I know in recovery still had issues a year and a half into recovery, myself included. There is still a lot going on - you're getting used to sober life, clarity is still coming to you, and there's a lot to process regarding the addiction that I think may still be left unresolved. There is still the underlying issue that caused you to use in the first place, most addicts don't immediately resolve it when they first get sober. Early recover is a good time to start dealing with it, but often it takes time.
The posts you've made recently make me feel like you have a lot unresolved - past and present. I feel like you have some issues prior to addiction that you need to come to terms with, and I feel like you're very disappointed with where you are at in life now, and still dealing with lost opportunities from when you were addicted. I don't feel like you've accepted your addiction as an illness, and continue to judge yourself based on that singular aspect of your life, even though you're so much more than your addiction. The travesty of the situation is that you don't let yourself acknowledge all your positives.
If you want to progress forward you have to address that underlying issue - the one that causes you nightmares. You have to find a way to reconcile it. I think EMDR is helpful - I had a major breakthrough with it. I dealt with stuff that with stuff that I wouldn't even allow myself to think about for over 20 years. It gets amazingly granular, and I remembered events with a clarity I didn't think was possible. In a way it was being an outsider looking in so I could be objective, which is something I couldn't do on my own. You still have to be honest with yourself while you do EMDR, and I'm concerned that you're very skilled avoiding any direct interaction with that issue.
As painful as it may be to face, the sooner you face it the more power it loses over you and the freer you become. Going through it sucks, and you may feel worse at first but it does get better. Do you want to spend the rest of your life your tortured by it and running as it's going to dog you until you confront it. I know you're strong and you can face this and come out stronger on the other side, it's not going to break you. I don't think you're going to have peace until you face it. As painful as the process is, it's very liberating and allows the true healing to begin. You deserve peace.
If you want to discuss EMDR feel free to message me. I have a bad tendancy to write too much or give too much detail, and this response is too long already.