Seeking Experiences in Fentanyl

[WillingButStubborn0612]

Hi there. I hope whoever is reading is healthy. I just wanted to spill to whoever might give a shit my struggles in trying to stay clean off of fent. That stuff has cost me so much mentally, and literally. Bridges burned. And people hurt. Mainly my parents. I was more worried about a nod than I ever was appeasing females, so intimate relationships are not something that I have figured out to a T. I am 24, and from the Mid South. Fentanyl has become a huge thing here. Heroin virtually does not even exist anymore. So the literal risk of death that comes with being an addict, some of you understand, exponentially multiplies. I used to think lightly of it. 4 overdoses later, and believe me when I say that I understand that you have to tread lightly, or it will fucking kill you. Overdosing is traumatic, I believe. Anyone who has before knows what I'm talking about. Like many addicts, I believe I know to measure the stuff. Especially the stuff I see daily. The thought of overdosing never leaves you, though. It is there. You cannot forget. I've reached a point in my addiction where honestly, truly, all I want is to have some money and be able to chill in a hotel or something and just get high. I know that mindset is nothing short of toxic, maybe even suicidal in some ways. A life without honestly just seems depressing, and un satisfying. Clearly this high, the nod, has become something completely different to me. Day after day, buying the stuff. Completely aware of the money that was spent. In that moment it was the opposite of wasted. Shit, money is good for nothing else to me. Marijuana doesn't really do jack shit for me nowadays, and I don't favor speed at all. I don't drink. Everything falls short. I've been using off and on for like 5 years, now. I just recently started another attempt at cleanliness. I have like 12 days sober, really just now getting past all the sickness. Went to work every day last week dope sick. It wasn't that cool. But my life has become so irreparable, that unless I am prepared to get down and live rough, I will never make it out there. Not chasing a high. Success in any context of the word is simply a daydream. A daydream only if you're chasing dope simultaneously. It is something that I reflect on and simply just give in to the reality of it. Every good thing, every opportunity, was ultimately squandered due to my addiction. I've "relapsed" many times. In my mind, it's like I never stopped. That is one of the things that I struggle with. Over 10 days sober now, and every day I just want to go get some. Like seriously. I bombard myself with rationalizations and excuses, but I know that is all just the dope talking. A powerful force it is, though. I just kind of wanted to throw my situation out there, and I really want to hear from other people how they themselves cope with all of the facets of early recovery. For to me, stopping is not the hard part. It is staying stopped.

 

[telepathetic]

Hi there. I hope whoever is reading is healthy. I just wanted to spill to whoever might give a shit my struggles in trying to stay clean off of fent. That stuff has cost me so much mentally, and literally. Bridges burned. And people hurt. Mainly my parents. I was more worried about a nod than I ever was appeasing females, so intimate relationships are not something that I have figured out to a T. I am 24, and from the Mid South. Fentanyl has become a huge thing here. Heroin virtually does not even exist anymore. So the literal risk of death that comes with being an addict, some of you understand, exponentially multiplies. I used to think lightly of it. 4 overdoses later, and believe me when I say that I understand that you have to tread lightly, or it will fucking kill you. Overdosing is traumatic, I believe. Anyone who has before knows what I'm talking about. Like many addicts, I believe I know to measure the stuff. Especially the stuff I see daily. The thought of overdosing never leaves you, though. It is there. You cannot forget. I've reached a point in my addiction where honestly, truly, all I want is to have some money and be able to chill in a hotel or something and just get high. I know that mindset is nothing short of toxic, maybe even suicidal in some ways. A life without honestly just seems depressing, and un satisfying. Clearly this high, the nod, has become something completely different to me. Day after day, buying the stuff. Completely aware of the money that was spent. In that moment it was the opposite of wasted. Shit, money is good for nothing else to me. Marijuana doesn't really do jack shit for me nowadays, and I don't favor speed at all. I don't drink. Everything falls short. I've been using off and on for like 5 years, now. I just recently started another attempt at cleanliness. I have like 12 days sober, really just now getting past all the sickness. Went to work every day last week dope sick. It wasn't that cool. But my life has become so irreparable, that unless I am prepared to get down and live rough, I will never make it out there. Not chasing a high. Success in any context of the word is simply a daydream. A daydream only if you're chasing dope simultaneously. It is something that I reflect on and simply just give in to the reality of it. Every good thing, every opportunity, was ultimately squandered due to my addiction. I've "relapsed" many times. In my mind, it's like I never stopped. That is one of the things that I struggle with. Over 10 days sober now, and every day I just want to go get some. Like seriously. I bombard myself with rationalizations and excuses, but I know that is all just the dope talking. A powerful force it is, though. I just kind of wanted to throw my situation out there, and I really want to hear from other people how they themselves cope with all of the facets of early recovery. For to me, stopping is not the hard part. It is staying stopped.

Hang in there, it will get better. 10 days in you are almost all the way through.. power through!! You got this!

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Welcome to Bluelight. And thanks for sharing your story. I know you probably have considered methadone or suboxone therapy at some point. But have you really considered it? It could be your way out of street drugs and despair in that it will give you a steady source of opiods without spending a fortune and isolating yourself. It will get you stable with your job and hold you over ( physically and mentally ) until you can get to a place where you can quit altogether.

Being isolated, alone and addicted is soul crushing. Methadone or subs could help you come back to a place where your life was your own and not the street drugs calling you to them. It could help you decide that fent is not who you really are.

Stay strong man. Addiction sucks. Try and tell yourself that you are better than that. Because you are.

 

[jessidawn6585]

i got addicted very late in life to substances...never drank, smoked pot, nothing...umtil i suffered post partum depression with no healthy way to cope along with prescription pain meds for real medical conditions and thats where the storm started. I was able to get myself off with bup and never touched any other substabce again...I dont even like drinking coffee becasue its too stimulating. I was the most naive one on the rooms of NA and was there becasue the board of nursing forced me to do meetings. which defeinitely helped with my depression and shame...however i learned more in those rooms than i ever would have known otherwise. and trying fentanyl once out of curiosity led me down a darker path. im trtying to get off now, if anyone knew the goody two shoes mama hen who i had always been was stuck in this situation now, they wouldnt believe it. my hair is faliing out, ive lost like 30 pounds, i bruise easily...it kills me what this stuff is doing to me in just a short span of 5 months. maybe i need this fear to move past...ive tried to detox many times but that bridge of 3-5 days before you can take bup has to make this drug one of the very worst....i cringe every time i see news stories on tv and then think that im involved in using that stuff. i need off this horrible stuff and just need to vent. i worked all my lifew to have a strong career at 24 and i accomplishecd all my carrer goals only to have this happen to me and feel like i threw away everything i worked my whole life for....its so hard not to feel like a total waste and failure of a human being...

 

[Jerry Atrick]

i got addicted very late in life to substances...never drank, smoked pot, nothing...umtil i suffered post partum depression with no healthy way to cope along with prescription pain meds for real medical conditions and thats where the storm started. I was able to get myself off with bup and never touched any other substabce again...I dont even like drinking coffee becasue its too stimulating. I was the most naive one on the rooms of NA and was there becasue the board of nursing forced me to do meetings. which defeinitely helped with my depression and shame...however i learned more in those rooms than i ever would have known otherwise. and trying fentanyl once out of curiosity led me down a darker path. im trtying to get off now, if anyone knew the goody two shoes mama hen who i had always been was stuck in this situation now, they wouldnt believe it. my hair is faliing out, ive lost like 30 pounds, i bruise easily...it kills me what this stuff is doing to me in just a short span of 5 months. maybe i need this fear to move past...ive tried to detox many times but that bridge of 3-5 days before you can take bup has to make this drug one of the very worst....i cringe every time i see news stories on tv and then think that im involved in using that stuff. i need off this horrible stuff and just need to vent. i worked all my lifew to have a strong career at 24 and i accomplishecd all my carrer goals only to have this happen to me and feel like i threw away everything i worked my whole life for....its so hard not to feel like a total waste and failure of a human being...

Hello @jessidawn6585, welcome to Bluelight and The Dark Side. Thank you for reaching out

If you want, I encourage you to post your problems, experiences, and goals in the Tapering Support thread. It is a positive place for people who wish to taper off and quit whatever it is they are using. Hopefully you can get some solid advice and help from people who have been there before. Below is a link to the thread:

Positive - The Tapering Support Thread v 2.0

This is a social/support thread for those who may be tapering. It is meant to be a thread where we can share our experiences in a safe place. Whether you are getting ready to begin the tapering process or if you've been there before and wish to offer your valuable perspective.... Welcome! As...

bluelight.org

 

[Robi]

i got addicted very late in life to substances...never drank, smoked pot, nothing...umtil i suffered post partum depression with no healthy way to cope along with prescription pain meds for real medical conditions and thats where the storm started. I was able to get myself off with bup and never touched any other substabce again...I dont even like drinking coffee becasue its too stimulating. I was the most naive one on the rooms of NA and was there becasue the board of nursing forced me to do meetings. which defeinitely helped with my depression and shame...however i learned more in those rooms than i ever would have known otherwise. and trying fentanyl once out of curiosity led me down a darker path. im trtying to get off now, if anyone knew the goody two shoes mama hen who i had always been was stuck in this situation now, they wouldnt believe it. my hair is faliing out, ive lost like 30 pounds, i bruise easily...it kills me what this stuff is doing to me in just a short span of 5 months. maybe i need this fear to move past...ive tried to detox many times but that bridge of 3-5 days before you can take bup has to make this drug one of the very worst....i cringe every time i see news stories on tv and then think that im involved in using that stuff. i need off this horrible stuff and just need to vent. i worked all my lifew to have a strong career at 24 and i accomplishecd all my carrer goals only to have this happen to me and feel like i threw away everything i worked my whole life for....its so hard not to feel like a total waste and failure of a human being...

welcome to BL been there and done that(the drug), and recovering well enough, hope this for you

 

[qwertygina]

Hi there. I hope whoever is reading is healthy. I just wanted to spill to whoever might give a shit my struggles in trying to stay clean off of fent. That stuff has cost me so much mentally, and literally. Bridges burned. And people hurt. Mainly my parents. I was more worried about a nod than I ever was appeasing females, so intimate relationships are not something that I have figured out to a T. I am 24, and from the Mid South. Fentanyl has become a huge thing here. Heroin virtually does not even exist anymore. So the literal risk of death that comes with being an addict, some of you understand, exponentially multiplies. I used to think lightly of it. 4 overdoses later, and believe me when I say that I understand that you have to tread lightly, or it will fucking kill you. Overdosing is traumatic, I believe. Anyone who has before knows what I'm talking about. Like many addicts, I believe I know to measure the stuff. Especially the stuff I see daily. The thought of overdosing never leaves you, though. It is there. You cannot forget. I've reached a point in my addiction where honestly, truly, all I want is to have some money and be able to chill in a hotel or something and just get high. I know that mindset is nothing short of toxic, maybe even suicidal in some ways. A life without honestly just seems depressing, and un satisfying. Clearly this high, the nod, has become something completely different to me. Day after day, buying the stuff. Completely aware of the money that was spent. In that moment it was the opposite of wasted. Shit, money is good for nothing else to me. Marijuana doesn't really do jack shit for me nowadays, and I don't favor speed at all. I don't drink. Everything falls short. I've been using off and on for like 5 years, now. I just recently started another attempt at cleanliness. I have like 12 days sober, really just now getting past all the sickness. Went to work every day last week dope sick. It wasn't that cool. But my life has become so irreparable, that unless I am prepared to get down and live rough, I will never make it out there. Not chasing a high. Success in any context of the word is simply a daydream. A daydream only if you're chasing dope simultaneously. It is something that I reflect on and simply just give in to the reality of it. Every good thing, every opportunity, was ultimately squandered due to my addiction. I've "relapsed" many times. In my mind, it's like I never stopped. That is one of the things that I struggle with. Over 10 days sober now, and every day I just want to go get some. Like seriously. I bombard myself with rationalizations and excuses, but I know that is all just the dope talking. A powerful force it is, though. I just kind of wanted to throw my situation out there, and I really want to hear from other people how they themselves cope with all of the facets of early recovery. For to me, stopping is not the hard part. It is staying stopped.

I hope you're doing well!!