Mental Health Rock and a hard place

[WaterOverLiquour]

The title isn't a pun, I just didn't know what to call this thing and gave up after staring at it for over 10 minutes.

I'm sorry if this might be difficult to read since I don't think I bother formatting it.

Starting at the beginning, I have always been very insecure about myself, maybe it was the toxic parent I have cut out of my life, maybe it was being fucked with in school because I was fat, maybe it was lack of validation but I know that it's always been like that. For a brief period in my life it actually wasn't the case for once and I was by far the happiest I've ever been I think. Only thing that changed was that when I looked in the mirror I genuinely liked what I saw. It feels incredibly stupid talking about this and part of the reason why I chose to bring it here. It was the hair that gave me the confidence and positive perecption of myself I feel I sought all this time. I found a haircut that I actually liked, like the one piece missing from the puzzle was finally there. I was completely and utterly satisfied with myself. Calling it vain wouldn't be wrong but it wasn't all there was. I was in love with who I had become, proud that all those hardships before had culminated in something worthwhile, the self hatred melted away and was glued to the past, to stay there for the rest of eternity. But life's wonderful sense of humor struck again, and decided that I should be the punchline. Washing away the soap from my body that morning, what was supposed to be a nice and relaxing shower, turned into concern that pushed my eyebrows so close together that you wouldn't be able to tell that there was still a gap between them. The water was up to my ankles and when I reached down to unclog the metal shield, in my hand appeared a fistful of hair. I don't remember when the first time was I had to do this in order to prevent my bathroom from being flooded, but each consecutive shower was not once exempt from that step. The temples were the first to show signs of this, becoming thinner and thinner. What once was a head of hair dense enough to make carpets, was disappearing day after day. I was crushed, it chewed me up, spit me out and smeared me over the pavement. Just as things were starting to go smooth, before I was fully able to catch my breath from the struggle of yesteryears, it was ripped away from me. I cried myself to sleep more times than I could count when it was getting really bad. Only managing to compose myself when i was forced to put on my shoes and go work my shift. Maybe I ws the fool for thinking that shit was finally taking a turn for the better. I was angry but I didn't know who I was angry at. I felt cheated and betrayed. Believeing in karma is something most people are surprised to hear I do, and most of the first months after this whole situation started, I was scouring my memory for a wrongdoing I partook in to deserve this. I had my moments in the past, but that was long ago and I have changed since then, deciding that I want to only do good for the sake of it long before any of this was even close to beginning. People I spoke to about this often comment that my new shaved hair looks great, thinking that would make me feel better, and while I do appreciate the effort, it does not have the desired effect. I think it looks horrible, I hate it and I want my fucking hair back. I liked how it looked and didn't care much for others then, same as I dont do it now. I don't wanna feel like this anymore but I just dont know what to do anymore. I've been to doctors who think they can fix it but nothing seems to be working. I feel like what are supposed to be the best years of my life, are going down the drain because I feel like complete ass all the fucking time. I can count the times i went out without a hat on one hand, I dont wanna be seen like this, jesus chirst I hate it so fucking much. I dont know if I will ever be at peace with this and its been fucking with my mind for the past two years almost. I'm at my fucking limit here and dont know how much more i can take. Nobody is kicking me harder than I am myself and I cant remember the last time someone had a negative remark about me. Im not suicidal and dont plan on ever being. But what will happen when i finally do snap? I just wanna go back to when none of this was happening and stay there forever. I'm sick of feeling like this and will just take anything to make me forget about it just for a few hours. I spent the entire last week amped out of my fucking mind just so I could take a fucking break. I'm done with everthing and simply wanna go back to enjoying life, is that really too much to ask? I need help but dont know where i can get it. I cant afford a therapist, i barely afford the meds my doc is giving me. Im scared that i will feel like this forever, that i will never have the courage to do what i want to because of it, that even the people who love me now are going to leave me once they had enough. I dont understand why this is happening and know there isnt an explanation for it thats gonna be what i want it to be. I dont know what else to say other than that its pathetic and that im putting too much value into looks. I hate that i feel like that because of it, my emotional and mental state dont feel like an appropriate response, like they are not justified in proportion to what is happening. I dont know anymore and i am on the verge of completley giving up, cutting everyone out of my life and spending the rest of my days couped up alone in this tiny apartment.

 

[G_Chem]

This isn’t pathetic man, there’s a reason male hair regrowth treatments are advertised to us constantly. It’s a problem for many men, pretty much everyone in my family is bald. My younger brother went bald in high school.

My one comment is that most women expect a lot of men to lose hair, as long as you don’t try to pull a comb over and cut it accordingly most I think (coming from a guy) are more concerned with an athletic healthy physique.

Do you workout these days? That’s what I would be focusing on, that is something you more often than not can change.

-GC

 

[WaterOverLiquour]

Thats the thing though, its not genetic, nobody in my known family has it.

The cause for it is a type of dermatitis which results in fungal overgrowth. In theory, it should grow back after the root cause has been eliminated but thats exactly the mistery here. Nothing I do seems to have an effect.

Had another consult today with my dermatologist who just told me to repeat the inital successful treatement for a week and get my gut tested for a bacteira.

As long as the root cause isn't eliminated, no traditional mpb treatment will help because it falls out faster than those remedies can regrow.

Edit: forgot to mention that i dont care what women or anyone else thinks of me in terms of appearance, this is what i think of myself and would like to change

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey mate, thanks for confiding in us with this, I appreciate how sensitive an issue it is for you. Firstly I just wanna validate how you feel, losing your hair is pretty crushing to your confidence and self image. It's actually really normal and common to feel the way you feel, so please stop beating yourself up about it. You didn't do anything wrong to cause this. Even if you do believe in karma (I do too), that's actually not how karma works and you shouldn't use it as an excuse for self-loathing. The reality is, this happened by pure chance and you didn't bring it on yourself.

Alopecia can make you feel really alone and isolated, especially for young people. But there are actually support groups for people with alopecia now (online and in person, depending on where you live). Is that something that might help you??