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    A memorial
    to Bluelighters
    who have passed away

RIP FlyWithCloudNine

Im very sorry to hear that someone died a death through drugs.
My thoughts go out to his family, friends &b fellow Bluelighters..i know Captain Heroin was one of them so a thought gous out to you.

Let us look back at our lives and do what we can to grow old.

Rest In Peace.
 
DeLee said:
Let us look back at our lives and do what we can to grow old.

Rest In Peace.
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Very true DeLee, thank you for the kind words.

I am still very saddened by the news of Chris dying. :(

I'll go ahead and email his mother to see if we can get a link to an online obituary.
 
^ Yeah, 21 years old... As we say in French, he died "dans la fleur de l'âge", in the flower of age...
 
i didnt no krs.
but i do no more people in the grave than i still have aroun
we gott to stop killing our selves dilberitly(i cut and burn)or on accedantlike tim apirl..................................RIP
 
Yeah, last time I talked to him he sounded pretty messed up and told me he was on a lot of butalbital (fioricet), and of course he was taking methadone. He sounded REALLY out of it, which was unusual for him but I didn't think much of it. Now I wish to god I had... knowing that I was talking to him in what were likely his final moments and then I just casually took off and left him (though I'm sure he was talking to a few others) is something that is definitely going to be haunting me for a while. I feel like crying my eyes out but for some reason my body won't give me that release, so today has been an absolute daze for me, constantly on the brink of breaking down but just can't get it over with. I only knew him over the Internet but really, he was closer to me than practically anybody I know even offline. I imagine this is a hard one to swallow for a LOT of people.

His mom, a RN, doesn't seem to know conclusively what the exact cause of death was though, but I'm sure everybody here (as well as her) has some sort of idea, even if the exact details are unknown.

Wow though... just wow. I am totally shocked. I don't even visit BL anymore but I talked with him pretty much every day, really a great guy with a shitty hand dealt to him. I hadn't seen him sign on for like two weeks so I was a bit concerned but thought maybe he was travelling or something (though I found out later he tended to make up a few stories, on the whole he was apparently remarkably honest with me.) As far as the Costa Rica thing goes, I believe that's one of the stories I was talking about. His mom tells me that SHE was in fact in Costa Rica due to an emergency with a niece, but that he was back at home the entire time. Chris suffered from a few mental health problems which he tried to cope with by self-medicating (I'm in the same boat, there's no shame in it), but I guess he felt the need to embellish on some things to appear more functional than he actually was.

The only reason I found out about his death was from talking to his mom for a solid hour today. I thought this was a joke at first (I really wouldn't put it past him) but... just damn, I really never expected something like this to happen to someone like him.

One of the brightest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, but he had issues to deal with and really just found himself unable to achieve what he was truly capable of. It's a shame he never got a chance to get past all that and really shine, a lot of people are going to be affected by the loss of Chris and most will never even have heard of him...

RIP
 
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Chris was delusional, not embellishing the truth.

emjay said:
but I guess he felt the need to embellish on some things to appear more functional than he actually was.
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No, he had Bipolar Disorder. He was having a break from reality; this isn't the first time this has happened to him. He once took some Valium one night (while on methadone) and ended up consuming three grams of diazepam within Valium tablets before his parents found him unconscious in his room.

He tended to get delusional when he consumed GABAergics with a solid dose of methadone.

You brought up the fact he had mental health issues, so I figured I would explain why he was telling people he was in Costa Rica, even though he wasn't. As far as I'm aware, Chris really did believe he was in Costa Rica.

I know someone else in real life with bipolar disorder; they often end up saying things and doing things that would lead you to believe they are schizophrenic due to the complete disconnection with reality. :( People with bipolar disorder do not think they are embellishing reality; they think they are completely lucid, though that is obviously not the case.

The only reason I found out about his death was from talking to his mom for a solid hour today. I thought this was a joke at first (I really wouldn't put it past him) but... just damn, I really never expected something like this to happen to someone like him.

One of the brightest guys I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, but he had issues to deal with and really just found himself unable to achieve what he was truly capable of. It's a shame he never got a chance to get past all that and really shine, a lot of people are going to be affected by the loss of Chris and most will never even have heard of him...

RIP
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I wouldn't have put it past him either man. You're not alone in being sad that Chris is gone, I also was talking to him when he was intoxicated on butalbital and methadone; I thought something was fishy about what he was saying, but I had no method of contacting other members of his family, and I live on the opposite side of the country, and would have never gotten to him in time if I was to go check up on him. :| :(

Thanks for the positive words man, please don't beat yourself up about this. Chris lived a full life, albeit that life was cut way way way too short.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
No, he had Bipolar Disorder. He was having a break from reality; this isn't the first time this has happened to him. He once took some Valium one night (while on methadone) and ended up consuming three grams of diazepam within Valium tablets before his parents found him unconscious in his room.
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Oh I'm sorry. Yes, I know he had Bipolar Disorder and I was aware of the past Valium overdose as well, I had always thought these embellishments were just him trying to keep up a strong front in the eyes of others, but what you are saying makes sense as well. His manic episodes must have been more severe than I thought. I know a few other people with bipolar as well and, while it has sometimes caused them to go out and DO the most intensely ridiculous things, I guess I'm just not as familiar with it when it's such pure fantasy, often without even acting upon it, as was sometimes the case with Chris.

But I believe you've known him a fair bit longer than I have, and were undoubtedly closer to him. It's a shame I'll never get to know him quite so well. But thank you for the supportive words. You probably already know this but it was obvious Chris really looked up to you. You were the only BL'er I've ever really heard him talk about and it wasn't infrequently.

The only person he liked to talk about more was his mom. It was clear he really loved her and that their relationship was a far closer one than I could ever dream of having with any of my family. As much as Chris' passing pains me, his mother must be going through hell on Earth right now and I think it pains me more making a poor attempt at imagining the suffering this whole ordeal must be causing the person he loved the most, even if he managed to pass away relatively comfortably. I say poor attempt because there's really just no way I could possibly imagine the absolute agony she must be feeling every time she wakes up (if she's even really able to sleep much at all) and realize that Chris isn't ever coming back. And it really validates all the strength that Chris saw in her to know that she's able to bear it at all... I'm practically at breaking point as it is and wouldn't be able to go on with the kind of strength she's showing. It says a lot about her as a mother and her character that when talking with her she couldn't but express a great deal of concern for me.

I know it sounds weird to go on about somebody's mother, but I don't think you one can really know Chris without knowing how important their relationship was to him, and it's not my own loss that saddens me so much as knowing that the person he valued so dearly now has to endure the pain of losing a child so close to her in such a senseless manner...

Though even on a personal level, I really feel like this is going to take a lifetime for me to get over it and used to it. I can still barely believe it's actually happened...
 
emjay said:
His manic episodes must have been more severe than I thought.
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For people with bipolar disorder, the manic episodes are almost always typically the worst. When I was in a psychology class, we watched a video of someone who had bipolar disorder, and they seemed schizophrenic to me.

Often people with bipolar disorder will be high functioning, but in a manic episode, their sanity goes out the window.

I guess I'm just not as familiar with it when it's such pure fantasy, often without even acting upon it, as was sometimes the case with Chris.
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Well put. Most people aren't like that, so it's hard to imagine what being in a delusion is like unless you have been there yourself, or you've observed it often/frequently enough to know what it looks like.

But I believe you've known him a fair bit longer than I have, and were undoubtedly closer to him. It's a shame I'll never get to know him quite so well. But thank you for the supportive words. You probably already know this but it was obvious Chris really looked up to you. You were the only BL'er I've ever really heard him talk about and it wasn't infrequently.
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It's a shame none of us will get to know him much better, outside of talking/meeting his other family members. :(

I don't even have many friends that I talk to regularly off of Bluelight, but Chris was definitely one of them.

The only person he liked to talk about more was his mom. It was clear he really loved her and that their relationship was a far closer one than I could ever dream of having with any of my family. As much as Chris' passing pains me, his mother must be going through hell on Earth right now and I think it pains me more making a poor attempt at imagining the suffering this whole ordeal must be causing the person he loved the most, even if he managed to pass away relatively comfortably. I say poor attempt because there's really just no way I could possibly imagine the absolute agony she must be feeling every time she wakes up (if she's even really able to sleep much at all) and realize that Chris isn't ever coming back. And it really validates all the strength that Chris saw in her to know that she's able to bear it at all... I'm practically at breaking point as it is and wouldn't be able to go on with the kind of strength she's showing. It says a lot about her as a mother and her character that when talking with her she couldn't but express a great deal of concern for me.
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You are right, Chris and his mom were very close, which makes me all the more empathetic for his mom. I really cannot imagine how she must be feeling, and I hope that she finds peace one day.

Though even on a personal level, I really feel like this is going to take a lifetime for me to get over it and used to it. I can still barely believe it's actually happened...
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I agree. Chris talked about you too by the way, he did value your friendship a lot. I can tell Chris had a good way of finding out the good in people, everyone who he befriended that I've met so far are honestly good people.

I have yet to email his mother because I have been so busy, but I do plan on trying to find an online obituary for him when we can.
 
Wow, I don't know anymore... I don't like him any less, but his mom just told me stuff I kinda wish I didn't know.

I don't know if I wanna look back at the logs of us talking anymore, its really upsetting to know that his mental disorder fucked him up so that he didn't really have a normal reality. Some of the stuff we talked about was fluff, but he really did have good advice on girls and medicinal walkthroughs.

His own life though is gonna be pretty mythical, I haven't got the heart to read through the discussions we had right now since I'm going to be analyzing them too much. I knew something was off when I talked with him, but it didn't seem like a huge issue since he presented me with enough information to confirm some of the facts, so I accepted them all. Ahhh crap. Crap.

During the last few weeks, was he sleeping most of the time? When he was on, I IMed him and what ended up happening was his mom would just tell me that he was sleeping. Poor guy had such a life ahead of him, he told me that he was getting 120mg Dexedrine a day. In an ironic sense, he told me that Hitler committed suicide since he hadn't had his IV methamphetamines. He mentioned tapering off of it, remember when he lost his meds on the plane? I have no idea when that stopped, must have been a while ago.

I wish you were still alive buddy, but knowing what happened last time with your other OD, it might have been better in the long term if you didn't suffer more pain. Just kinda wish I could have said goodbye for real and maybe met you. Its awesome that you told me all that shit, gotta live the dream now!
 
Depressicaa said:
Wow, I don't know anymore... I don't like him any less, but his mom just told me stuff I kinda wish I didn't know.

I don't know if I wanna look back at the logs of us talking anymore, its really upsetting to know that his mental disorder fucked him up so that he didn't really have a normal reality. Some of the stuff we talked about was fluff, but he really did have good advice on girls and medicinal walkthroughs.
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Chris had a normal reality at least most of the time; having bipolar disorder doesn't mean you have episodes day in day out without relief.

He was mostly lucid most of the time. As you can tell if you talked to him the last few days he was on AIM and still alive, he began to "seem different".

When he used GABAergics, he tended to have a manic episode more often than not, especially when he would take large doses and keep re-dosing more and more.

I still suggest reading through the transcripts, he was still a good friend to have. That's what matters the most IMO.

His own life though is gonna be pretty mythical, I haven't got the heart to read through the discussions we had right now since I'm going to be analyzing them too much. I knew something was off when I talked with him, but it didn't seem like a huge issue since he presented me with enough information to confirm some of the facts, so I accepted them all. Ahhh crap. Crap.
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If it's any consolation, most people who don't even have mental disorders fabricate just as much about reality as he did. If you have talked to some of the ignorant people I have in life, they make Chris seem perfectly sane.

I mean, really... people have told me that every fetus is a precious gift from God. I think those sorts of people belong in the nut house before Chris ever did.

During the last few weeks, was he sleeping most of the time? When he was on, I IMed him and what ended up happening was his mom would just tell me that he was sleeping. Poor guy had such a life ahead of him, he told me that he was getting 120mg Dexedrine a day. In an ironic sense, he told me that Hitler committed suicide since he hadn't had his IV methamphetamines. He mentioned tapering off of it, remember when he lost his meds on the plane? I have no idea when that stopped, must have been a while ago.
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He lost his meds on a plane because he was nodding out, and also, this was not a flight to or back from Costa Rica, but to and/or back from New York. His grandfather was close to passing (if he has died as well, I do not know).

Hitler did commit suicide. He actually committed a murder suicide with his "wife".

Finally, Chris slept in a lot, because he had a tendency to take way too much Dexedrine and stay up too many hours of the day. He also had a tendency of taking too much methadone and nodding out, and also, running out of either or both medications early, and having to sleep off the withdrawal. Allegedly he also had ADHD (his mother is doubtful of this, because bipolar and ADHD overlap at times, but it is possible to have both) - and ADHD people often have sleeping issues, something I myself have experienced. Ironically, his doctors wouldn't let him get benzodiazepines. So abusing butalbital on methadone was such a better option then instead of giving the poor guy a small quantity benzo prescription? :|

Many people with mental disorders self medicate so as to assimilate with society as normally as possible.

I wish you were still alive buddy, but knowing what happened last time with your other OD, it might have been better in the long term if you didn't suffer more pain. Just kinda wish I could have said goodbye for real and maybe met you. Its awesome that you told me all that shit, gotta live the dream now!
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Seconded. He was in pain nearly daily, and I am sure methadone withdrawal with real pain was a bitch. :(

I feel the same way, I wish I at least had the chance to meet him.
 
Thanks everyone this is Chris's Mom and he is dead. We still do not have the tox report. He did NOT take 1150 mg of Methadone but more like 230mg -300mg.Thank you again for your kind words and will update you when I know more
 
Cloud_9 said:
Thanks everyone this is Chris's Mom and he is dead. We still do not have the tox report. He did NOT take 1150 mg of Methadone but more like 230mg -300mg.Thank you again for your kind words and will update you when I know more
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:(

Thank you for the update, Chris' Mom. I was really shocked to see that his account posted, and was hoping for a prank via Chris but.... alas. I am still sad. :(

Thanks for the update; I think it was a typo that he said "1150" probably meant "150" and took another 150 or so after that.

Much love and respect, hope you are doing OK! <3
 
Greetings Bluelighters. This is Linda (AKA Chris's Mom). We received a "cause of death" for Chris. The coroner decided that it was a fatal interaction of butalbital and Methadone. No comfort finding this out as it could have been prevented, if only.....what is that song, I think by the Frey??... "I could have stayed up all night, if I had known how to save a life". It just shows that life is precious, sometimes fragile. Love each other. My last memory of Chris is him giving me two wonderful hugs and a kis on top of my head, telling me to tell his cousin he loved her and he loved me. I have no words unsaid, nothing unresolved but I sure miss him. I would give anything for one more hug.
Take care you all and I would love to read your stories about Chris. He was unique.
 
Cloud_9 said:
Greetings Bluelighters. This is Linda (AKA Chris's Mom). We received a "cause of death" for Chris. The coroner decided that it was a fatal interaction of butalbital and Methadone. No comfort finding this out as it could have been prevented, if only.....what is that song, I think by the Frey??... "I could have stayed up all night, if I had known how to save a life". It just shows that life is precious, sometimes fragile. Love each other. My last memory of Chris is him giving me two wonderful hugs and a kis on top of my head, telling me to tell his cousin he loved her and he loved me. I have no words unsaid, nothing unresolved but I sure miss him. I would give anything for one more hug.
Take care you all and I would love to read your stories about Chris. He was unique.
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Thank you Linda! Chris was a very special, gifted person, and I'd love to recant our times we've had together online. I wish I could do more typing tonight, I have had much going on in my life.

I'm going to email you, and I'll talk to you later. Take care!
 
Although I have never known Chris on a personal level, I have read many of his posts, and am saddened to hear about this. My thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. Thank you Linda for sharing this information, as many might not have. Thank you.
 
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