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Help! Repressed Trauma Emerging While on Psychedelics

Mr-Tambourine-Man

Mr-Tambourine-Man

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 30, 2009
Messages
131
Last night I ate a very large amount of magic mushrooms and tripped harder than I ever have. During the trip i became very emotional and was soon sobbing as I realized for the first time that I have been the victim of sexual abuse. It is something I can not remember cleary but I've always sensed it, an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. Growing up I developed all kinds of strange aversions (hearing someone use the word "tummy" would throw me into a panic attack). I'm not sure if that would make sense to anyone else. So last night I came to the conclusion that I've spent my whole life desperately trying to please people, while secretly being afraid of everyone and feeling like they all wanted to fuck me, like I was only worth the pleasure I could give them. I've struggled with my orientation. I've felt dirty and worthless as long as I can remember. I've had out of body experiences since childhood. I've attempted suicide three times and have been hospitalized more than I can count.
I'm really having trouble coping with all this. I'm not sure if it is real or imagined. I don't know what to believe or how to heal. The worst part is I've always felt that everyone knows, that they can sense my sexual vulnerability, my weakness.
Has anyone else had uncomfortable realizations of repressed trauma while under the influence of psychedelics? Should I take it seriously? What's wrong with me? Please help.
 
I don't want to say anything about what other peoples psychedelic states might mean.

In high school I took mescaline (probably actually LSD mixed w/ hot chocolate mix). I looked at my algebra homework. Not only did it all make sense it seemed like a divine message. I sped through page after page solving equations one after another. Problem was post tripping-none of my endless problem solving on paper made the slightest bit of sense.

So I'm very skeptical about the ability of psychedelics to bestow useful insights. I know it happens. It has happened to me at other times. Some psychedelic experiences should likely regarded like odd and fascinating dreams and others may be true important messages. So far I lack an absolute ability to discern much of what should be attended to or just mused by.

I can see a Dark Side connection with this thread but I think the Psychedelic Drugs forum will have much to contemplate and add regarding your story. If there is a forum that can out love bomb a new member more than TDS its PD, so get ready for the love--

TDS---------------------------------------------------------->>>>>>> PD

Usual proviso if I chose wrongly send back or after op gets more psychedelic input send back if we are the best fit :)
 
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Psychedelics can stir up all manner of emotional issues, but - as Enki pointed out - what you experience whilst under the influence of them is not necessarily a true reflection of reality.

I could certainly see that a strong psychedelic experience could open up a whole can of emotional worms that you maybe didn't realise were inside at all. Can be scary but ultimately a very healing thing too though.

Do you have a counsellor/support worker/doctor to discuss these issues with?
 
I set out to re-experience what happened when I lost my hand through the use of psychedelics as I was working on the notion that if I did, I'd be able to see it from an adult pint of view and better make sense of the trauma etc. It took a long time, but eventually I managed it with a combination of MET, ketamine & amphetamine. It worked and for a second or two I was back at that moment. A lot of tears fell after that, but since then I've been a sight better in terms of my mood etc.

Don't know how much help the above is, but before a problem can be dealt with, it has to be recognized as existing first
 
Take it seriously, because it is a serious subject.

But above all, remind yourself that learning more about yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it is at the time, will pay great dividends in the future.

This is something very personal - regardless of whether it's real or not, you have anxiety about the subject. While self-therapy with psychedelics can be a great tool, sometimes the most responsible step to take is to admit you might need someone else's help.

There are many resources at little to no cost available to you, and they can be as anonymous as you like. I wish you the best of luck addressing these issues.
 
First off let me say you are not the only one to have had experienced what you have and i know this first hand... Mushrooms have brought back some of the worst parts of my childhood. Physical, And Sexual abuse included. But just remember that they have brought you a chance to go and stop repressing what has happened, and now you can go get the help that you need to ease the pain... My advice see a therapist if you are not already, Explain what you have had happen to you and work through the emotional pain in whatever amount of time it takes you to be able not to forget that it happened, but to accept that it was not your fault, it took me years to achieve this and i feel much better...

Peace Love and Light to you If you need to talk, you can contact me on aim since you are still of greenlighter status, or you can email me at [email protected]

Mat
 
Wjile I always knew of my own sexual abuse, I didn't know the actual extent until only relatively recently....Just remember your clearly not alone, as attested to by above....Its tough knowing these things, but at the same time, its in the past- while its resurfaced NOW, well, NOW is always the best time to deal with things. You would not have had the "intellect" to do so as a child- hence, things get hidden away, but noithing important can hide forever.

You may not want to, but really look into your mind (sober) and try to remember everything. For me, at least, it was theonly way to make any sense of it, learned who to direct my anger at, forgave them and moved along.

The only way you can be certain that what you experienced under mushrooms to be real is to fully remember, and that ain't fun- but will lead to a certain degree of relief from the ensuing fuckery sexual abuse brings about. If you wanna chat, feel free to PM me mate- I'm all ears, and happy to speak openly about this....

The way I remembered- re-visiting places that had dark images attahed to them from my childhood- and while I have had no revevge, nor desire, I know now what happened, by whom- just not why. That, I don't feell, matters though.

Fotr interests sake- I could barely remember anything prior to the age of twelve- felt like I kinda popped into existence around then. I was violent from then on, often panicking or delerious- prior to that age, I experienced catatonia of varying degrees, enough to have family (the damn culprits behind the abuse too) begin trying to 'get me better', mainly through bullying and countless doctor's visits. I sleepwalk pretty regularly; I have "seen" things such as UFO's- I still don't feel like my childhood really happened to me- plus I've had the whole gamut of anxiety/panic syndromes associated with repressed trauma.

You may want to try hypnosis, or as F@B suggested, deep ketamine trance- be prepared though, and confront it with no fear- as you did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve abuse, and if indeed it did happen- such is life. You may find yourself a stronger more loving person if you allow these incidents to leave the subconcious and enter the foremind.

Peace brother; I will be thinking of you my friend, and offerring up positive thoughts your way. As I said, feel free to PM me about anything :) <3
 
lineartransform said:
Take it seriously, because it is a serious subject.

But above all, remind yourself that learning more about yourself, no matter how uncomfortable it is at the time, will pay great dividends in the future.

This is something very personal - regardless of whether it's real or not, you have anxiety about the subject. While self-therapy with psychedelics can be a great tool, sometimes the most responsible step to take is to admit you might need someone else's help.

There are many resources at little to no cost available to you, and they can be as anonymous as you like. I wish you the best of luck addressing these issues.
Click to expand...

100% agree, psychotherapy has been the hardest, most rewarding, helpful and satisfying thing I've ever done.

Of course I don't know the complete ins and outs, but too much of our consciousness is repressed and beneath our awareness for us to tackle it alone. Sometimes it needs to be brought up in an encounter.

And while an encounter with yourself might be useful (with the aid of psychedelics or just with heartfelt personal consideration/meditation), I guarantee that an encounter with a good therapist will make a world of difference.

But give it time, this is big stuff.

:)
 
Mushrooms, in my experience (which is admittedly more limited than many people on PD), are far more likely to cause outright delusions than LSD, mescaline, or any research chemical I've tried. So I think it's good that you're questioning whether or not what you experienced really happened. Also, in general psychedelics seem to reduce skepticism. This can be a good thing, as it opens us up to truths (or at least different, potentially more adaptive ways of viewing reality) that we might otherwise dismiss or never consider. The filp side, in my experience, is that you're more likely to entertain or accept ideas or concepts that are false or maladaptive.

So my advice would be to maintain your skepticism while at the same time, seeing, as Swillow suggested, if you can find other evidence or concrete memories in your sober state.
 
fastandbulbous said:
I set out to re-experience what happened when I lost my hand through the use of psychedelics as I was working on the notion that if I did, I'd be able to see it from an adult pint of view and better make sense of the trauma etc. It took a long time, but eventually I managed it with a combination of MET, ketamine & amphetamine. It worked and for a second or two I was back at that moment. A lot of tears fell after that, but since then I've been a sight better in terms of my mood etc.

Don't know how much help the above is, but before a problem can be dealt with, it has to be recognized as existing first
Click to expand...

might be an intrusive question but do you have bipolar(i do)
 
I can not give you any first hand advice about abuse in your past, but I can tell you that my experiences with mushrooms have always been a mixed bag of emotions and experiences. Normally my thoughts are quite serene and loving while tripping but I have experienced delusions while under the influence that were disturbing enough to make me question things, I would get blood flashes when looking at my body parts, it seemed that they were covered scabs and blood each time I looked down.

OP are you in school presently? If so I would suggest going to your school therapist or counselor to discuss the possibility of abuse in your past. You've surrounded yourself already with a huge support team here on Bluelight, in particular PD <3 This place is full of love and support.

Mat <3 good to see you in these parts, your input is always helpful <3
 
pofacedhoe said:
might be an intrusive question but do you have bipolar(i do)
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Yes, does it show? =D =D Although I still refer to it as (the unPC name) 'manic depression' as bipolar depression just sounds like a version of depression to most people unfamiliar with such things and the manic episodes (well thankfully hypomanic episoodes with me) can be almost as troublesome as the bouts of depression - although hypomania is characterized by a quite euphoric state of mind.

The manic depression didn't emerge until after I'd had a 2 year bout of quite heavy LSD use at age 19/20. Be aware that any traumas experienced might be a clinical symptom of a latent psychiatric condition becoming florid rather than a real repressed memory. If the incident continues to trouble you several weeks after it occured, it might not be a bad idea to go see a doc (and probably get referred to a psychiatrist) - ignorance most certainly isn't bliss when it comes to your health
 
^I've strangely had the "diagnosis" of hypo-mania after a recent psychiatric evaluation- hypo-mania being the lesser of the mania's yes? However, I believe its a result of both valium use and quitting cannabis, but I feel like a madman at times. I'd love to know how I can tell if I am or not :\


Mr T-Man said:
Thank you all for your insights. I am bipolar. I'm kinda all over the place right now.
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Take your time with this, and feel free to chat and ramble if you need to- works pretty good for me....:) <3
 
I have history of mania and depression, in my case psychosis associated with the mania persisted with a little more prominence than the mood issues so I got schizo-affective diagnosis.


Fish oil has evidence based studies showing it to be useful for bipolar. Lower stress situations and NOT doing sleep deprivation to compensate for screwed up circadian rhythms can help problematic periods from becoming full blown. There is a lot to say about medication but that is best left to you and your doctor. Do give medications that you agree to try a good trial, don't expect immediate benefit, but at the same time something that is making you feel shitty shouldn't be tolerated indefinitely. Good luck on getting a handle on all this. You may PM me also.
 
Yes, I too have had repressed trauma come loose due to psychedelics... and oddly enough it wasn't until I tool a heavy dose of mushrooms that I really was able to reconcile with my past. I think it's the animal body aspect of tryptamines that literally squeezes you through your most traumatic memories... Showing you how you came out alive regardless, and affirming that humanity.

I suspect I am bipolar as well, due to cyclical mood variations (full moon next week, anyone feeling manic?) It sucks because there is so much stigma towards it, especially if you do drungs... Also due to the mood-swings and general irritability/instability, which seems to come out and make itself known whether you are trying to "tough it out" or not... Yes, just know that you're not alone if you feel like your playing the game of life with half a deck... There's lots of fallen angels out there, stay strong.
 
Yes, just know that you're not alone if you feel like your playing the game of life with half a deck...
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It's not so much that I feel like I'm playing the game of life with half a deck, more like a case of while most people are playing with a full deck, it feels like I'm trying to do the same with a deck of happy family cards or the 'community chest' from Monopoly! =D
 
Being manic depressive I take a heavy dose of depakote and k-pins. Sometimes I'm feel I playing emotional russian roulette with psychedelics but sometimes I feel so amazing I could just dance and laugh all night.
 
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