Relapse Problems - Any Advice Would be Incredible Helpful

[WobblyWagon]

Hello All,

I'm new to bluelight but have been reading the forums here for years. I love the community and the posts in the forums have kept me out of trouble more than twice.

Here's the problem. I have a long history of substance abuse; going on 12 years now. During that time I have always managed to keep my head above water and stay out of trouble. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that I started using powerful narcotics on the regular, which became very expensive and became quite detrimental to my health. Over this 3 year period, I have successfully kicked the habit three times, only to relapse several months later after my brain started functioning normally again.

I've seen several different therapists but it hasn't helped one bit. From a very early age, every time I succeeded in something, I would always reward myself by getting high and partying. The better I feel about myself, the more dark thoughts begin to creep into my head. "Well I'm doing so well now, one bag won't set me back that far back!" - Ya we've all been there. The truth of the matter is that I have to find a different way of rewarding myself for good healthy behavior. I've only recently come the conclusion that alcohol is something that significantly reduces my will power. But what am I supposed to do? Never drink again?

The reason I'm writing this today is because I can't believe I'm the only one on this forum that suffers from this pattern of behavior. Does anyone have any tricks they've learned over the years (meditation, etc.) that they found successful in conquering their narc addition. I understand this is a very complex issue and I'm not entirely confident I have the correct mechanism identified, but I just thought that the bluelight community might have some valuable insight and tool to help me get my life back on track. It would be a lot cheaper than going to see another therapist or some inpatient rehab.

Best of luck to everyone and stay safe!

 

[herbavore]

He WW, welcome to TDS. I think that the pattern you are describing is one of the most common pitfalls people encounter in recovery. I also think that it is surmountable. The real crux of recovery is not recovering from drug abuse but from the dis-ease in one's life that supports the drug abuse. It sounds obvious but when so much of a person's energy and willpower and strategizing have to be spent simply getting through WDs, then cravings and PAWS, this distinction can get lost.

I think that meditation, or at the very least, a practice of mindfulness, is a world shifter. When you can learn how to step outside your own thoughts and observe them rather than emotionally reacting to them, they are far less likely to define your behavior. I can attribute the most helpful changes in my life to learning the tenets of mindfulness and putting them into practice. But beyond that, there is the question of reward. What do the drugs give you that you need? A sense of belonging or peace? An adrenaline fed adventure? Life is figuring out how to meet your own emotional needs within the context of relationships with others, with nature and with whatever we choose to do for personal meaning. When you have conditioned your brain to think only of drugs (or sweets or gambling or whatever it is you've gotten addicted to) it can be difficult at first to retrain that impulse; especially since meeting the needs otherwise is rarely as instantly gratifying. But push your discouragement or impatience aside and really try to find things that make you feel rewarded.

Being aware that alcohol reduces your defense is a good observation. I don't think you necessarily have to announce to yourself that giving it up is 100% forever. Just say it is for now, until you feel strong in your recovery from addictive patterns.

Again, welcome!