Relapse on opiates (TW death/sui)

[tryingnot2die]

I've been trying so hard to stay clean. So fuckin hard.
I've been clean off pills (dillys/oxys) for 2 months and 20 days and I've been clean off kratom for 29 days.
My mom died on Feb 4th (or that's when we found her- she was gone probably a week before that.)
Started drinking after mom died but it didn't work and the depression's just been getting fucking worse and worse and worse
no excuses I know but I have been so goddamn suicidal this last week I ended up getting formed (involuntary detention) and it was even more trauma on top of that.
I bought enough dillys to OD but I decided not to. I just got a little high (really small dose, can barely feel it really).
I guess I'm just wondering if I'm gonna go back into full blown WDs after this or if I'll be ok if it's just this one time (yeah I know 'just one time' is BS probably).
I tried googling it but google just keeps sending me to rehab sites. Figured y'all would know.
I'm not happy with myself but I'm happy I'm not dead. Wondering now if I should tell my partner or hide it from him or what. Eeeeeeeek.

 

[GetMeOutOfThisCRAP]

You won't go into full blown withdrawal--but you can expect some ahedonia (inability to feel joy) and a robotic lack of emotions/maybe depression for a maximum of 3 days or so in my opinion.

You're not the first to relapse on opiates, and you definitely won't be the last person. You can beat yourself up, but in reality it happens all the time. What other substances kill anxiety, depression, give you energy, and have euphoria that ALSO enables the user to sleep? There are so many beneficial properties of the class of drugs that when a user quits the opiate lifestyle, he or she must learn to live without them. It's hard. Actually impossible for many. So don't feel ashamed. Just keep trying to quit and eventually you'll make it out. It's also important to cherish the time that you are actually clean--because as many of as know that could end at any moment.

Also, should relapsing happen again please take note of your lowered tolerance. You do not want to OD, it's just a hard temporary time period. You need to feel the grief, not try to escape it. I personally would not tell my partner about it, but that you are struggling with the death of your mom and depression as of late. A real partner would attempt to be more involved and help you get through it.

 

[Mafioso]

Hey tryingnot2die, hope you are doing ok with everything that is going on.

It mostly depends on how much you use, but more than likely one day isn't going to cause much withdrawal. It will probably trigger the urge to use again, which is why no one really uses just once. Being only a few months clean, you will probably be more sensitive to the withdrawal symptoms, so a week or two of heavy use could give you some pretty severe withdrawal. Best thing is to obviously not use so you don't get addicted, but if that isn't realistic then the next best thing(in my opinion) is to take advantage of your lowered tolerance and use less.

Have you ever considered an opioid replacement therapy like methadone or suboxone?