Mental Health Recurring memory loop of a bad trip, 11 years and counting now, plz help me

[Gr8efulNotDeadHead]

Okay, This is the first time Im reaching out to the world about this cause the doctor and everyone Ive met is stumped and cant relate, hopefully someone here can... I abused every drug but heroin from 15-23, and 11 years ago, i took too much LSD and ended up in some kind of "moment of death loop" of some sort. I thought I died, and it was done, and when I eventually pulled out of it, i feel like i left myself behind in another dimension or something, or im in some strange afterlife to take care of unfinished business? I wonder if i was cremated... buried... I can keep going... I worry so much about it 24/7, even in my sleep... i eventually got clean a couple years later in July of 2007 (from absolutely everything!) It's now 2016, and i still experience these mumbled up jumbled loop broken record messages over and over that are annoying as hell... I've taken series of different medications, under the observation of a doctor, and being completely honest with him. The Doc prescribed things like wellbutrin, celexa, lexapro, risperdal, cymbalta, albilify, xanax, atarax, buspar, and thorazine, some have put swim in a better mood for a few months and would constantly switch up and mix under doctors order... i didnt handle xanax so well and ended up abusing them and throwing away 3 years and 3 months of sobriety... im about to lose my freaking mind that's hanging on by a thread... i just quit smoking cigs and vaping 8 months ago (for the 99th time) and that still didnt help... I've done 12 step recovery programs and meeting (AA, NA, Celebrate Recovery) community involvement, church, bible reading, hypnotherapy (from youtube... lol) and im running out of options... However despite all what im going through, i live on my own, very mechanically and electronically inclined, im a single father, work full time, and volunteer in my son's school and im involved with my daughter part time. i can hold conversations, do daily activities, but its seriously like a freaking war... ive been calling them "flashbacks" cause HPPD seems more visual and I dont see things, i do however constantly hear a slight ringing sound, especially around electronics... I dont know what to do or who to call anymore and feel trapped. i always have to convince myself that im not dead, and have to go into a distraction-less room, light a candle, burn an incense, read a self help book... listen to different types of music... can anyone relate? I havnt used any illegal drugs in 4 years, and a month. I'm afraid of even a flake of pot, or a drop of beer, and cant really even talk about hallucinogens cause those are what brought him to his knees and probably did some brain damage... please help... Mri? Brain Scan of some sort?

 

[aihfl]

It sounds like you might have PTSD from that bad trip. Have you tried seeing a psychotherapist? I have PTSD from being violently physically abused as a child and have been doing Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy with my psychotherapist.

http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/emdr-what-is-it

 

[cj]

I am going to move this thread to the mental health forum. Hopefully you can find an answer OP.

 

[Ligaturd]

I have always theorized that PTSD is absolutely possible from a psychedelic trip. When I was 16 I got drunk and ate an ungodly amount of mushrooms. I was sitting beside my parents house and was transported into a seamless "movie" of me experiencing the lives of everyone throughout history in an extremely fast and infinitely complex stream of experiencing rach and every one of these loves doing and experiencing everything that has and ever will have throughout the history and future of mankind. I started crying as I had reasoned that everything has been experienced before and in a way I was present throughout all of it and everyone that has and will ever live was just me experiencing everything possible throughout countless lives. I reasoned that I should just kill myself as nothing really matteted.

This experience was followed by 6 months of suicidal depression. It was traumatic. I was able to get over it and do psychedelics again but that is just me. Psychedelics put you in am extremely vulnerable state and depending on predisposition to having mental health issues or just experiencing a trauma that can affect someone so horribly that they just can't shake it. What I experienced was manageable and I got over it but you are obviously suffering still because of it. Definitely get treatment for PTSD because it does make sense. I hope that maybe if your doctor approaches it from this angle that maybe they can help you better and that you can heal and be released from this torment. My thoughts are with you, I truly do hope you get the relief that you deserve because this sounds absolutely horrible.

 

[Undefinededges88]

I have no answers, but I just wanted to tell you that I will send you positive healing vibes. If there is such a thing... It just sounds horrific and I feel so bad for you I really hope that you find some help soon.

 

[no_id]

wrong post

 

[Openbook]

An old post but wanted to reach out -
Have you looked into dissociative treatment? There are even doctors who will administer ketamine for this treatment.
These are useful because they can completely get you out of that headspace without the hallucinations. 3meopcp (an analogue research chemical) may be easier to acquire for these purposes.

Dissociatives like ketamine and 3meopcp (and best of all MXE, but no longer available) have been used to treat (potentially cure) depression, severe addiction, among other things. These are also non-habit forming types of chemicals, which is important for your sobriety.

Best of luck!